


Surrendering to you

by clexa4ever



Series: Love is not weakness. [1]
Category: The 100, The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Clexa is Endgame, F/F, Lexa is most defintely alive, Multi, and will stay that way forever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2019-10-23 17:17:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 121,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17687630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexa4ever/pseuds/clexa4ever
Summary: The immediate aftermath of the battle of the Mountain, after Lexa's betrayal. How will Clarke handle what she did in the Mountain if she stays by her people's side and not in exile? How will Lexa''s actions in the Mountain reflect on her before her own people? How will these two find their way back to each other after everything that happened that fateful night?





	1. Breaking the news

_Lexa was sleeping in her bed at the nightbloods’ dorm, looking up at the ceiling as she laid down her head on her arms and thought about everything that happened. The day had been extremely tiring for everyone, especially for her. She had just returned to the capitol with Anya, after finishing a mission the Commander had sent the young warrior on, when she was told to participate in the lesson of the day and by the afternoon, Titus had pushed them further in their training than ever before. It had almost looked like he was preparing them for something that would happen soon and at that very same night, she found out what that something was._

_She was woken up by the sound of hurried steps coming towards their quarters. Lexa had always been a light sleeper, being able to wake up when her senses registered movement, something that was quite useful when her brothers and sisters, all older than her, sometimes liked to play pranks on the youngest ones, that ability would allow her to escape them before they even reached her. She had also always had very accurate perceptions and her senses were always very sharp which she also relied upon. And so tonight was no different, she woke up and waited as the sounds grew louder, closer to the door and soon, the doors were opened, and the Flame keeper stood by the door looking at them before he sighed and called out._

_“ **Nightbloods, wake up,”** He said and immediately, Lexa stood on her feet by her bed as the others started to wake up as well. She didn’t fail to notice a bit of pride in his eyes when he saw her ready for whatever reason he was there. Within a couple of minutes, everyone had woken up and he sighed before closing the door behind him. _

_“ **I have come here to announce something quite important to all of you as well as to all of our people,** ” He said to them as they waited with baited breath for what Lexa already knew would come out of the man’s mouth._

_“ **The Commander is dead,** ” Titus told them and the nightbloods were all shocked and surprised by the news though no one was sad about it. _

_Bosco kom Ingranrona Kru (The Plain Riders Clan) was not a loved and respected Commander by his people or by his nightbloods, he was quite a cruel and brute man and Lexa strongly believed his death was long time coming. She would even talk about it with other nightbloods how she was surprised that he had survived 8 years in command when everyone wanted to kill him. She had no good feelings for the man and was glad to see him gone but his death could only mean one thing for the nine novitiates and the thought of that broke her heart as Titus proceeded to tell them exactly what she has already figured out by herself._

_“ **His body is being returned to Polis tonight and is expected to arrive in the next candle mark. I will start preparing his body for the funeral and the purification ritual. As for all of you, the preparations for the Conclave have started as it shall happen tomorrow morning, at first light. Tonight, you must prepare your body and your mind for tomorrow one of you will ascend as The Commander of the Blood. May Bosco’s spirit choose wisely,”** He said to them before he moved out of the room and left the nightbloods to their own thoughts._

_“ **Well, it was about damn time that bastard died,”** Bron said as he cracked his knuckles with a smirk on his face as Lexa looked at him along with all the others. _

_“ **His death means the Conclave for us. Only you would be happy with the thought of slaughtering all of us, Bron. How Ice Nation of you,”** Dylan kom Louwoda Kliron Kru (Shallow Valley) said with a tone of disgust in his voice, as it was no shock that the Azgeda nightblood was the least liked member of their class. _

_“ **Stop being such a prude, Dylan and grow up. From the moment we were all brought here, from the moment we were born, we knew this moment would come and what we would have to do once it did. I have accepted my fate and so should you,”** Bron said firmly irritated at the overly soft nightblood._

_“ **How do you expect me to accept the idea that to survive I have to be ready to slaughter my own brother? My twin, who I shared our mother’s womb with for nine months? Who has been my best friend since our birth?”** Luna kom Trikru (The Woods Clan) asked the guy as she held her brother, Lyon’s hand in hers, him looking as distraught as she was. _

_“ **It’s not ours or our people’s problem that you are siblings and also nightbloods, is it? They must have a Commander and it must be one of us so why don’t you all shut up so I can concentrate?”** Tabitha kom DelfiKru (Delphi Clan) said in her monotonous voice. It was the hardest thing to get a glimpse of human emotion from the girl except the perpetual bored looked she wore ever since she came to live with them._

_“ **You and Bron deserve each other. You are both heartless, insensitive and unfeeling people and should commandership fall into one of your hands, our people will be worse off than they ever wore with Bosco and since the man was a lunatic, that is saying something,”** Luna said angrily to the girl who only smirked at her in return. _

_“ **Now, now, Luna. You are getting ahead of yourself. You and Lyon will be competing but who knows? Maybe one of you will get killed before you need to face each other? Would you like me to ensure that for you? Want me to kill your brother?”** Tabitha said in a serious tone although the hidden sarcasm could be heard through each word and Luna was about to cross the room and start the Conclave right at this moment but Lexa held her back and so did Lyon._

_“ **Do not engage in her provocations, Luna**. **It is exactly what she wants, to rile you up so you will make a mistake she can exploit. You are better than that, sister,”** Lyon said to his sister and she looked at him before nodding. _

_“ **How weak are you Luna? Even the kid hasn’t complained about the idea of dying tomorrow and yet, all you have done until now is to throw a tantrum about how unfair everything is for you and your little brother,”** Bron said to Luna and Lexa turned to look at him. _

_“ **And who exactly says anything about me dying tomorrow Bron?”** She asked him in her calm and undisturbed manner that usually unnerved those she chose to apply it to as he looked at her and scoffed. _

_“ **What? You think you can win? You think you can win against Tabitha, me?”** He asked her and Lexa simply and very calmly crossed her arms behind her back and stared him down._

_“ **Am I supposed to be afraid of you or Tabithat? Considering the very well-known fact that I have never truly lost a battle to either one of you before, I would say, yes, I do think I can win. Or at the very least, get rid of you both,”** She said impassively. _

_“ **Lexa is right though, Bron. She is better than you, better than most of us not just at fighting but at everything else. It’s no coincidence she is the Flame keeper’s favorite. I think I will watch out for her more than I will watch out for you** ,” Marlo kom Yuljeda Kru (Broadleaf Clan) said smirking. He was a funny guy, always try to make everyone laugh. Lexa liked him a lot and she would be sad if she had to kill him._

_“ **It will be my pleasure to crush your skull, Marlo. To hear my axe break the bones in your head will be music to my ears and I will remember those sounds forever and they will bring joy to me,”** Bron said to him and the guy simply shrugged, not fearful of the threats at all. _

_Bron turned to Lexa, “ **When I become Commander, my first act will be wipe out the Trikru from existence. You and your people are nothing but scum,”** He said with fury and disgust in his eyes but she wasn’t fazed by it and it was actually Lyon who answered him._

_“ **All the clans know that the only scum we have is the Ice Nation, full of dishonorable warriors following a mad Queen who cares little about the suffering of her own people and despite being here and away from that place for years, you are not different. You turned out the same as the rest and I hope that whoever wins this Conclave, which I assure it will not be you, will get rid of the Ice Nation once and for all,”** Lyon said passionately and others were nodding their heads since no one had any lost love to the icy clan._

_“ **Lyon is right. Ice Nation is the worst of the worst and you are too, Bron. I may not win this conclave but I guarantee you won’t either,** ” Marlo said, followed by Trini kom Podakru (Lake People). She was someone who had lost her brother and her mother to a war against the Azgeda so one could say she had a personal problem with Bron’s clan._

_“ **Their extermination should have been done a long time ago** ,” She said and Tabitha, Daren kom Ingranrona Kru, who a kind of ally of the Azgeda nightblood, and Bron himself started to argue with Dylan, Trini, Marlo, Lyon and Luna about whose clans should be exterminated as Lexa just watched and heard what they were saying but when she heard someone mention butchering little kids, she had enough._

_“ **SHUT UP!!! ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!!!!”** She yelled at them and they all stopped talking and turned to look at her. _

_They all knew her to be a quiet child, who more often than not stunned them every time she let them see what she was capable off as well as not being very open about herself. Even as a younger child, she never told them anything about who she was before except her clan, they had no idea about her parents, any family member or anything like that. From the 10 years in which she had lived in Polis, Lexa had never raised her voice against them, against anyone for the matter. Whatever she need to say, she always said it but never raised her voice to do it and now she just yelled at them. They could do nothing but obey and shut up._

_“ **Are you listening to the barbarities you’re saying?”** She asked them and she was livid which it was a rare but pretty scary sight to see, they judged, “ **Exterminating a clan? Murdering innocent people? Slaughtering families, children? What kind of people are you?”** She said to them walking to the center of the room where she could look at all of them. “ **We may come from different clans and there may be bad blood between them but you are talking about our** **people. My people** ,” She said to them as they listened,_

_“ **I may be from the Woods Clan but I care about Shallow Valley, Rockline, Broadleaf, Ice Nation, all of them as you all should do it too! We are novitiates and one of us will be Commander tomorrow, and as such our loyalty is to our people, not solely our clan. The only ones who rejoice in the division of our people is the Mountain Men, can’t you see that? We can never win against them if we are too busy scrabbling against each other when we should be working together to free our people from the terror they have inflicted upon us for almost a hundred years** ,” She said to them as they listened to her words of reprimand._

_“ **If all you care about is the power being Commander will give you, about how many of the people you dislike you can kill, then you are not worthy the color of the blood you have running in your veins and I am ashamed to call you my brothers,”** She said finally calming down. _

_“ **If this is all you have to offer should you win the Conclave, then I will make sure to win just so that I can prevent my people from suffering under any of your commands** ,”_

_“ **The people deserve a Commander that will care for their needs, that will protect them and their families to the best of their abilities from those who wish them harm. They deserve someone who will give a damn about them and their future and by what I just saw, that someone is clearly none of you. Butchering children? What kind of monsters are you? Those children are your children, my children, our children. You don’t deserve to be here. You don’t deserve your night blood. You are a disgrace to the Blood. Becca PramHeda would be ashamed if she could see and hear you now** ,”_

_“ **I had not made my decision before, having been feeling conflicted with the idea of killing you, the people I grew up with, shared my meals with, shared my blood with but you have helped me make that decision now. I will honor your deaths as well and as honorably as possible but comes tomorrow, I will fight with every bit of strength and passion I have in me and make no mistakes, I may be the youngest but I will win. I was born to be the Commander and I will do so and once I have taken my throne, I will give my people the best chance at a good life that I possibly can. The life they deserve,** ” She said firmly and finished her speech as she noticed that they were speechless._

_What was there left to say? None of them could find the words to fight her back on hers. Even Tabitha and Bron could not say anything against what their youngest companion said and could only look at her in awe. The others were having similar thoughts while also being afraid a little, Lexa has always been very good, always receiving the highest grades and the highest praises from their instructors, she was the youngest of them to be given a First to train her as a warrior._

_If memory served them correctly, under Anya kom Trikru’s guidance, Lexa had already fought in many battles and the last two wars. She was a remarkable warrior with just 12 years old, as well as the smartest one among them. If she was saying that tomorrow she would do her best to win, they were sure she was not saying it without meaning those words and for that, they started fearing for their lives, though some were more in denial than others. However, they were broken from the silence that seemed to stretch after the end of her speech when the doors were opened and a member of the Order came for them._

_“ **Flamekeepr Titus requires your presence in the throne room** ,” He warned them and they all nodded their heads understanding that it was time for the passing ritual. _

_Lexa was the first one to change her nightly, sleeping clothes and to move out of the room to wait for the others to do the same and join her. She thought about what she had said to them and felt the determination to see things through. For some time now, she had been wondering about if she should fight her brothers and sisters to be the Commander or if she should just accept to die and let the others be it. Her decision was made now. Not only would she fight to be Commander, she would be the best Commander her people has seen since Becca Pramheda._

_She has dreamt for so long of a world in which so many of them don’t have to die in pointless wars waged by leaders who only want more power and who forget who and why they are fighting for. Where war and death are not the only things they would know. When she was allowed, Lexa would walk around Polis, see the houses and the ruins and imagine everything that she would do to change it all and make things better for those living in their capitol. Create a larger healing tent in the middle for the most life-threatening injuries and smaller ones all around Polis for the minor injuries._

_Create a school where the children could learn how to read. She even started to think about a way to write books in their language as well so that their stories could be told to future generations in their own way. She thought about those things a lot but she judged how small she was and that maybe she was not capable of completing those tasks, that she would die before given the people a chance at a more peaceful life. But now those doubts were gone. Whether she thought herself capable or not, she would have to be for her people._

_Soon enough, more of the others joined her and once they were all in line, the member escorted them towards the throne room where they saw the Commander’s body resting on a table covered by a white sheet with candles lighting the room as people were there to oversee the Conclave and the Ascension of their new leader. Once inside, the nightbloods were each given a pair of gloves and were made to stand in lines before they bended their knees and their head in respect to their fallen Commander as the ritual demands even if not done out of respect._

_Bron, as the eldest being 18 years old, was the first one to stand up and walked towards the small table where the purifying powder was in the container. He lifted the lid of the container and grabbing an amount of the red powder before moving towards the table and dropping the powder over the body of the man who he could be succeeding in a few hours, either in death or in power. He desperately hoped that it was the latter._

_“ **May the Spirit of the Commander choose me** ,” He said before nodding his head and returning to his place but standing on his feet. Tabitha, 18 but a few months younger than Bron, went next and did the same thing, saying the same line before returning to her place._

_Daren, 17; Marlo, 17; Trini, 16; Dylan, 15; Luna and Lyon, 14, went next and they all did the same thing, and said the same thing as all the others since it was the tradition and it was Lexa’s turn so she stood up, grabbed the powder and dropped over the body._

_“ **May the Spirit guide me when I become Commander,”** She said as everyone was surprised by the breaking the tradition and by the sheer determination and unwavering certainty in the little girl’s voice as she said those words and as she returned to her place with the others shuffling awkwardly in their places. The Flamekeeper stood in front of them and the others and started speaking. _

_“ **Bosco of the Plain Riders has passed but the Spirit of the Commander lives on and is ready to choose. Today, a new Commander will rise and we shall rise along with the chosen one** ,” He said to the crowd as the first sun rays started shinning thought indicating that the sun was about to rise in the sky before turning to them. _

_“ **Nightbloods, the time for the Conclave has come. Your First and a member of the Order will accompany you to prepare and then lead you to your places. May the Spirit choose wisely,** ” Titus said and the nightbloods nodded._

_Each of them joined their Firsts, including Lexa who was joined by Anya, who proceeded to escort her way from the room. “ **You look tense, child** ,” The warrior said and Lexa looked at the woman with whom she spent the last 5 years with. _

_“ **I am not tense, I am anxious. There is a difference** ,” Lexa said as she rolled her eyes at the warrior and Anya snorted at the obnoxious nightblood she had grown to care for despite her reluctance and cold image. _

_“ **Must you always be obnoxious?** ” Anya asked her former second and Lexa smirked at her. _

_“ **Must you always be a bitch?** ” She said and Anya chuckled as they entered the elevator. _


	2. The Conclave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bold and Italic: Trigedasleng
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy this story. It took me a long time to be able to rewrite it and I am happy with the way it's coming together now and I coulnd't wait to share it with you guys so here it is. The first two chapters are flashbacks but after this we will dive into the story. So hope you guys give this a chance. Without further ado, here it is. Have fun.

_Once they arrived at the designated place for Lexa to wait for the summon and for the battle, the young nightblood immediately started to change her clothes into her battle armor: a dark green long-sleeved shirt, black pants, knee high boots and the armor with the sigil of her clan in the front of it. Every nightblood once they pass the age of eleven are eligible to fight the conclave, so they must choose their outfit and Lexa designed her own. Inside of the arm’s piece she wears, there are three small knives in each side. Just in case, she loses her main weapons and can’t grab another in time, she had the secret compartments made so she could surprise however was attacking her and kill them before they could kill her._

_Anya just stood to the side and watched her. She had no been thrilled when she had been called by Indra to meet a nightblood child the Commander had directed to be her second. She had not wanted one, at least not that time but it was a direct order she couldn’t go against it and when she entered the room, there it was a small looking child who stared her dead on the eyes with a strength she had no seen in many of her fellow warriors. The girl definitely intrigued her but she kept her cold posture so she could teach the girl what she needed to know and as she stood by now and watched Lexa prepare herself for this life changing moment, she couldn’t be more sure that she was in fact standing before the next Commander._

_“ **So what is your plan, child**?” She asked and Lexa, once ready having finished tying the last straws of her clothes and fixing the braids on her hair, turned to her. _

_“ **My plan is to win but if you are asking about my battle strategy, I will not speak of it here. Who knows if the walls have ears? You know I don’t trust Azgeda to play fair, better not give them any advantage. Isn’t that what you taught me?** ” Lexa asked the woman and Anya smirked and nodded. _

_“ **And finally, it seems you have actually learned something** ,” Anya said and Lexa smiled back at the woman she came to consider almost like a big sister._

_“ **In any way, I will do my best and do you proud as I said I would the day you took me as your second** ,” Lexa said and Anya sighed pushing herself away from the wall she was leaning against and coming to stand in front of the young girl. _

_“ **Of that, I have no doubt. You are a great warrior and most importantly, you fight for your people, all of them. There is nothing else you need to be able to win. You have the skills and the motive. You will win, I know it and once you do, it will be my honor to serve you as Commander** ,” Anya said and Lexa hugged her._

_There were many times during her training when Anya would beat her for no reason while teaching her some lesson she didn’t understand the necessity of, during those times she would doubt if the woman had come to care for her at all, especially since she had come to care for her first. Lexa had always admired Anya as a warrior since the moment they met and was delighted to learn she would be her second. She gave her best, did almost everything Anya asked of her, only questioning her when she disagreed with what the woman proposed._

_But at moments like this, in the brink of a battle when she would be visibly worried and concerned or at night when, she would lay on the woman’s tent and she would let Lexa crawl on her bed to hug her to sleep, Lexa knew that Anya cared for her and she considered the woman part of the family she didn’t have. Anya was the big sister she never had and she would always have a place in her heart for the woman._

_“ **Fight, Lexa. Fight** ,” Anya said and she nodded as they started to hear the crowd that was gathered and Titus’ voice as he made his speech._

_He started calling the names of the other nightblood and Lexa knew she would be the last one given her age but she looked at Anya who nodded at her, trying to convey encouragement for what was about to happen to which Lexa couldn’t help but be thankful for and they started to make their way out and towards the podium._

_“Lyon kom Floukru,” Titus called and the boy came forward, “Accept the sigil of your clan and fight with honor as their champion,” Titus said and put the necklace on the boy and motioned for him to take his place besides his sister before he called her name._

_“Alexandria kom Trikru,” He called as she made her way through the crowd and went up to the stage. “Accept the sigil of your clan and fight with honor, as their champion,” He said and put the necklace around her neck and she went to the banner of her clan as Titus faced front and the crowd made silence to hear his words._

_“ **In this moment, we shall start the Conclave. A battle to the death within the walls of Polis. The novitiates will fight until only one remains, when that novitiate collects all the sigils from the fallen and deliver them to me, they will be declared the victor and ascend as our new Commander** ,” He said as Lexa focused her attention on her people, the reason she would win._

_“ **We honor those who fall by the sword but follow the One who wields it the best** ,” He finished before he turned to them, “ **Now, you will go and choose your weapons, while we prepared the battlefield for the start. Once is ready, you will be called and only then will the battle begin. Go,** ” Titus said and they nodded as they left the podium going to the weaponry and training pit followed by their mentors. Luna and Lyon went for the spears. Bron chose an axe, Tabitha chose bow and arrows, Dylan chose the two daggers and so on._

_Lexa has an idea of which weapon she would choose but before she could move to get them, Anya stopped her. “ **My First gave this to me as a gift after my first battle as a warrior along the advice to always wield it for the greater good of my people and now I do the same to you** ,” She said and removed the two swords she had on her back and offered them to Lexa who looked at them and at the warrior for a while before taking the weapons offered. _

_“ **How did you know I would choose two swords instead of one? Even I wasn’t sure about it until a few moments ago,** ” She asked and Anya smirked at her._

_“ **I trained you for more than five years. While most warriors that choose a sword can only handle it with their dominant hand, you can do it with both very well, the best I have seen in a while, it was an obvious choice** ,” She answered the question and Lexa nodded. _

_“Thank you, Anya. This means a lot to me,” Lexa said and Anya nodded before she continued, “Can I ask you a favor?” Lexa said._

_Anya nodded intrigued that she would ask her anything given how independent the girl always seem to be. “ **Yes. What is it?** ”_

_“ **I know it is not part of the tradition of the Conclave but I would be honored if I could use your war paint?** ” Lexa said and this time Anya was shocked. Lexa was right, no novitiate wore war paint from their clan at the Conclave, only the nightblood who won would wear the Commander’s war paint design but Lexa had already broken tradition once today during the purification ritual, what was another? _

_“ **The honor would be mine, little Commander** ,” Anya said and went to prepare it and once she did, she painted Lexa herself. “ **May this give you the strength to do what needs to be done and win** ,” Anya said and Lexa nodded at her just as a member of the Order called out._

_“ **Mentors, to the tower. Novitiates, to your flights** ,” He said and walked away. _

_“ **Your fight is not over, little one. It has only just begun** ,” Anya said with certainty in her voice._

_Lexa nodded as the woman left along with the other mentors before the novitiates walked out and towards the streets of Polis and they all were separated to go to their starting places. Lexa’s was in front of the tower. As she got there, she looked at the sigil of her clan and pulled out her swords as she turned towards the front and awaited for what seemed like forever but it was only a few second before she heard the horn sounds indicating that the conclave had started and that in the next few moments her destiny would begin._

_She took a deep breath and twirled her swords before she took a step forward and started running towards the left. She was not very tall yet so she knew she could hide if she wanted to but they deserved better than for her to hide out and wait for them to slaughter themselves. If she would win this, she would do so with honor. She continued making her way through the streets, always checking her surrounding when she made a turn and was faced with Marlo who stopped also when he saw her._

_“ **So we meet, little sister** ,” He said to her using a nickname he had given her when she first got here and she nodded \t him. _

_“ **We do, stupid,** ” She said in turn using the nickname she had given him which didn’t fail to bring a smile out of him before they both took a fighting stance. _

_“ **Are you ready to die?** ” He asked her while she just stared at him. _

_“ **I will make it quick** ,” She answered him and he nodded before he yelled out and moved towards her with his sword and swung at her but she dodged to the side and cut his leg as he swung his sword back and cut her arm. They stared off again before she made her move and attacked him again and again as he defended with his shield and hit her in the face with it, breaking her nose as the blood started dripping._

_He moved to swing his sword at her, to strike her but she was prepared for him this time and at the last minute, she dodged, sliding forward on her knees through the ground while swinging her sword and cutting him on his stomach as she passed by him coming up to stop behind him, running her sword at the back of his knees making him fall to the ground. Then, she stood up and moved to stand in front of him as he looked at her with blood dripping from his mouth._

_“ **Your fight is over, brother. May you find peace in the next life** ,” She said and he nodded at her as she ran her sword through his heart, removing it as he breathed his last breath._

_He fell to the ground and she took his necklace putting around hers before moving forward as she noticed the member of the Order who was watching them left, probably to announce the death of one of them. She continued walking and soon she came to a clearing and noticed something was not right about it, her senses were alerting her that danger was near so she waited and soon enough, she felt someone come from the back and jump on her as she deflected only to have an arrow struck her near the hip and she knew she was fighting more than one person at a time so she managed to roll away and hide from them._

_She then gritted her teeth and broke the tip of the arrow that had come out in front and pulled the arrow as she heard voices say, “ **Come out, come out, wherever you are Lexa. You swore you would kill us, now is your chance. Come and fight us for your people**.” _

_She heard Tabitha’s voice, took a deep breath, gathered her weapons and walked out and into the open and she saw three of them facing her. Tabitha, Daren and even Trini. Lexa walked further as they closed in on her forming a triangle around her._

_“ **We didn’t want this Lexa but none of us wants to die today** ,” Trini said and Lexa nodded. _

_“ **I know. Maybe one day, I can change the Conclave and we no longer will have to slaughter each other** ,” She answered to the older girl with kindness in her voice as it was also painful for her having to kill them so she could survive. _

_“ **You really think that you are going to win, don’t you? Bron is still alive and is out for your blood. There is no way you can win** ,” Tabitha said sarcastically and Lexa just titled her head but said nothing in return. _

_“ **Enough talking. We do this now** ,” Daren said to his two companions and Lexa nodded her head at them to let them know she was ready as she took in a fighting stance._

_“ **Shall we**?” Lexa said to them and Tabitha was the first to move to her and swung her sword at her but Lexa dodged it as she ducked down and rolled out of the way to avoid Daren’s hammer and raised her sword to defend from Trini’s spear, pushing it away and using her other sword to deeply cut through Trini’s belly while her blood splattering on Lexa’s face. And as Daren came running towards her, the youngest nightblood used the column in front of her to step on it and flip backwards as she raised her swords and slashed Daren in his back before twirling around and meeting Tabitha’s sword holding it steady as the girl put pressure on it. _

_Lexa noticed that Daren was getting up so she used her strength to push the girl back as Daren swung at her again and she defended before kicking him in the leg and slitting his throat as Tabitha attacked her again tackling her to the ground as her swords fell out of her hands. Tabitha straddled her and started throwing punch after punch on her face. Lexa raised her arms to protect her head but then the girl just moved to punch her in the chest and ribs which ended up breaking one or two along with it._

_So while the girl was busy rotating where to punch between her chest and her face, who was bloodied now, Lexa quickly held one of Tabitha’s arms breaking it as she punched the girl in the face and changed their position, straddling her as she threw the punches now and when the girl did the same as her and protected her face, Lexa went for the neck and grabbed it with both her hands putting pressure on it. Tabitha moved her arms from her face and tried to swing at Lexa but the lack of oxygen made the attacks sloppy so the younger girl was able to defect them, putting more pressure and soon enough, there was no more life in the girl’s eyes._

_Lexa let go then but to be sure she took one of the knives she had and drove on the girl’s chest, pulling it back. She stood up, clutching her ribs and her wound and looked at her fallen friends. “ **Your fights are over. May the Spirit guide you in peace to the next life** ,” She said before she grabbed their sigils, her swords and continued on moving. The sun was beginning to simmer down when she came to a scene she had hoped she would not see._

_Luna and Lyon were fighting each other. Brother and sister. Twins. Lexa knew that whoever won that fight would never be the same again. The two of them were really close and Lexa knew how hard this would be for either one of them, especially to the one who survived and had to live with the guilt of having killed the other one. She was watching them go head to head when she heard a noise and hid out of view as a member of the Order came close to observe who would win the fight to report to the Flame Keeper as it was his duty. From where she was, Lexa could see the fight too but she already knew the winner._

_Luna was a much better fighter than Lyon and Lyon was much more compassionate than Luna. He would never be able to kill his sister even if he somehow bested her so she knew Luna would win and as Lexa watched her run her spear through her brother’s body, she knew the girl drove one on her own as well. He let go of his spear that fell to the ground with a thud and he fell down along with it but into his sister’s arm as she caught him and lowered them both to the ground as she held him whispering what Lexa could only judge was an apology filled of regret._

_The member noticed when Lyon breathed his last breath and left Luna to her grieving and as he left, Lexa came out of hiding and headed for the girl who didn’t even look up as Lexa kneeled down beside them and  swiped her hand on his face closing his eyes, as Luna continued to cry._

_“I should have let him kill me. I should have died. Not him,” Luna said with tears falling freely down her face as Lexa looked at her._

_“He never would have killed you because he had always wanted for you to live. If he could have chosen, I know he wouldn’t have changed this outcome and deep down, you know that too,” Lexa said to her friend._

_Luna and Lyon were the closest one to her in age so when she first came to Polis, they were the first one to try and get closer to her and she let them, they were her friends and she was always sad about the possibility that they would have to kill each other but she always knew it was worse for them which made her feel sorry._

_“ **Those were his last words. That I had to live or his death would mean nothing. I can’t stay here but I don’t want to die either, Lexa. I have to leave. I have to go** ,” Luna said to her and Lexa nodded understanding her._

_“ **I know. You should go to the Boat People, the Order will try to hunt you down but I won’t let them. You can make a life for yourself there, one where you can honor him** ,” Lexa said and Luna nodded at her. _

_“Promise something, that when you’re Commander, you will be different. That you will fight to end the bloodshed, that you will show them a better way than this,” Luna begged of her as she held Lexa’s hand in hers and squeezed it._

_“That is exactly what I plan to do, you have my word. I will find a way to end this and to have peace instead of war, no matter the cost,” Lexa vowed and Luna nodded looking once more at her brother before ripping his sigil and giving to Lexa as well as her own._

_Lexa took them and secured around her neck and helped Luna put her brother down and they said goodbye to him together before they stood up. They heard noises and looked at each other._

_“ **If you want to escape you need to go now, I will find Bron and fight him, that should draw the others away from you and you can get out unnoticed** ,” Lexa said and Luna nodded offering her arm, Lexa gripped it. _

_“ **The Spirit chose wisely. May it guide you** ,” Luna said to her and Lexa nodded. _

_“ **May you find peace too, my friend,”** Lexa said and as the noises came closer. _

_They both ran in different directions as Lexa made sure to draw the attention to herself so Luna could escape. Lexa was mentally wishing that Luna would be okay. It would be hard but she had confidence that the girl would honor Lyon’s wishes and live her life, help others. And with that Lexa ran. There were only two people left besides her, Dylan and Bron. She would hate to kill the former but the latter, she was ready for him._

_And she found the two of them fighting in the middle of Polis near the tower and the sun was fading away faster and faster. As Lexa watched them, she realized that she had almost killed them all, except three of them, the rest were her kills. She felt bad about it but she would honor their deaths, even Bron’s. He didn’t deserve it but they spent ten years living together, it was the least she could do. She focused back on the fight in time to see Bron swing his axe and cut of Dylan’s head that rolled out and ended up by her feet as she looked at it._

_“ **Your fight is over. May the Spirit guide in peace to the next life** ,” She said to him hoping the next life would be better for him._

_“ **I knew it would be you and me in the end, kid** ,” Bron said as she looked up to see him looking at her with a smirk on his face. “ **I knew you would come for me last so I waited for the others to die so it would be just you and me** ,” He said as she walked toward him. _

_“ **Did you have to cut off his head**?” She asked him referring to Dylan. _

_“ **Well, no but I wanted to** ,” He said and smirked as he pointed his axe at her before twirling it around as he spoke, “ **They are all watching us, the last novitiates. The last showdown.** ”_

_Lexa looked around the place they were in and indeed, a high number of the members were there as she expected them to be. She hoped Luna has escaped the capitol and their crutches already. “ **So what do you say, kid? Shall we end this?** ” Bron asked her and she nodded._

_“ **I am ready,** ” She said and raised her sword as did he. _

_“ **Very well.** ” With that, they started circling each other, waiting, watching, studying. Lexa knew he was stronger and Bron knew she was faster so they knew that they would have to kill the other quickly, the problem was neither was willing to make the first move. Finally, Bron decided he had enough and moved towards her and their weapons clashed together in a series of attacks and defenses as they both tried to end it quickly however they couldn’t._

_Lexa dodged out of the way after he delivered a hard blow, he turned to her and attacked again as she defended herself before a change in position and direction allowed her to begin to attack him, quickly, in fast speed while he tried to defend himself as fast as he could but he knew that he would lose that way so he made a choice and was able to throw both of their weapons away as Lexa had no choice but to step back._

_“ **We will do this the hard way.** ” He said out of breath raising his fists as she did the same. _

_“ **And** **so we shall**.” Lexa agreed and within no time at all, he came at her._

_He swung his arms but she ducked and punched him hard in the stomach and moved out of the way from his next punch, delivering one of her own on his ribs but unfortunately she didn’t duck the next one fast enough and he clocked her right at her arrow wound, so she hissed out in pain. After that one got in, Bron was on a roll and punched her in the face as she fell to the ground, hard, at the same time it started to rain on them._

_“ **You know. You fought well, kid. But it was a delusion to think you would win against me. I will be the Commander as it should be. Don’t worry, it will all be over soon for you** ,” He said as he came to stand above her and she looked up to him._

_Before he could do anything, she kicked his legs making them buckle, forcing him onto his knees and in the time that it took him to fall to the ground, Lexa twirled around on the floor, got up on her feet, got a good grip on his neck and broke it as the big figure slumped forward towards the ground as she stood above his now lifeless body._

_“ **For the first and last time, I will agree with you, Bron. It is over** ,” She said as she grabbed his sigil and Anya’s swords, putting them on her back as she made her way to the tower._

_She rode the elevator and walked out of it and into the room with the pose of the title she would soon bear until her last breath. She walked inside the throne room and past the candles and the leaders as she came to stop in front of the throne and Titus. She looked at him and pulled the necklaces from around her neck and gave it to him who counted the numbers and nodded. “ **Alexandria of the Woods Clan is victorious** ,” He said and she looked at the throne._

_And making her decision, she climbed the steps and came to stand in front of it, thinking of all those that died for this moment, for her triumph, before she turned around to face the crowd and sat down on it, on her throne. Soon enough, Anya was the first one to call her Heda and kneel, Titus was the next and slowly everyone was on their knees and she looked out at them. Now, she was responsible for them and she would honor the promises she made. She would lead her people to a better future. She steeled her gaze. Her life started now._


	3. Past Regrets

The moment she heard the words she knew what would happen.

Lexa was 23 years old, or close to be given that her birthday was but a few months away. She had been Commander for the past eleven years of her life, having been only 12 years old when her predecessor died in a fruitless battle he waged against an Ice Nation and Rockline Clan alliance and the novitiates were forced into the Conclave. She had been the youngest novitiate of her class with being six years younger than the eldest one of them, Bron kom Azgeda, but by far, she was always the best student Titus had in the years which he had been Flamekeeper, according to his own words spoken to her many times over the years.

Ever since Lexa was really young, close to 5 years old, she knew what being Commander would mean for her, for her future, for her life in general. It would mean she would need to sacrifice anything for the greater good of her people, absolutely anything. It meant that she had no wants as Lexa anymore, that what Heda wanted for her people should always come first. Her duty was more important than anything else. She knew that and went along with it once she became Commander, after all those were the lessons she had learned from Titus since she could remember being in his presence.

Love is weakness. To be Commander is to be alone.

She lived by those ideals for two years, a little more a little less. Until one fateful day, when she had been practicing with Gustus, she got hurt, a minor cut to the arm but still enough to alarm people and after much plastering from her bodyguard, she finally went to the healer’s tent and instead of seeing Mason, the chief healer of Polis the one she was already used to, she was met with his daughter, Costia, and the moment she saw the dark skinned girl, her heart seemed to have found another owner and it would not obey her wishes anymore. It wanted her as did Lexa.

Costia, unlike the others and her people, had no problem berating her for being stupid enough to get cut during practice, despite being the first time they had met and also despite knowing full well who, or rather what Lexa was. No one spoke to her that way since the day she won her conclave, not even Anya which got Lexa stumped at first and even more interested in the girl. After that day, Lexa would always come to the tent, faking some injury or asking for the girl to come to the tower and have a surprise prepared for her. Everyone in Polis could see that their Commander was falling in love and they were happy for her.

Ever since Lexa took command, there had been less wars and battles and there were talks that she wanted to unite the clans so they admired her. But she was also just teenager, she deserved to have love so while she started with the plans of her Coalition, Lexa started a relationship with the girl and it was well known that Costia graced the Commander’s bed day in and day out. Two years later, when Lexa was almost 16, she had nine clans in her Coalition besides Trikru and had just returned to Polis from securing the 11th clan and was excited to tell Costia when she entered her room and all she was greeted with was a box on top of her bed.

She had wondered if the girl had already heard the good news that most certainly reached the capitol before Lexa herself did and had prepared some gift for her to celebrate the victory and quickly moved towards it, opening the lids and being faced with something that would haunt her for the rest of her life. Costia’s decapitated head. Lexa screamed and Gustus along with Anya and Indra who had been outside the room talking about the latest victory all barged in the room, afraid for their Commander’s safety, instead found Lexa’s body shaking by the box. Gustus moved to her side, saw the content in the box and immediately pulled her away as she let him, being numb. Anya and Indra looked inside and gasped at what they saw.

Anya found a note on the inside of Costia’s mouth and opened it. She read that Azgeda accepted to join the Coalition and as she heard that, Lexa reacted. She burned with anger and desire for revenge but Anya talked her through it and in the end, she decided that the best way to honor Costia was not sentence people to die in her name but secure the peace they have talked about it so many times in bed. Alone in her room later though, Lexa trashed the place, chairs were broken, tables were turned, vases were smashed, etc.

After that, Lexa closed herself off of any feelings she could have, swearing that she would not let herself be weak like that again for anyone, that she would care for her people but only them. No one would have her heart again, since she had locked it away safely from those kinds of feelings. She slept with other women over the years, too many of them but never loved a single one for them, they were just there for pleasure but gone as soon as it was over, never once staying through the night. She never thought she would love again.

That was until the Sky crashed on the ground and she fell for the sky girl with sun on her hair.

Clarke.

The one person that made her feel alive again, made her love again, even without ever gracing her bed, ever going further than one kiss before battle. With the sheer strength of who she was and the strength of her heart broke down, better yet tore down Lexa’s walls to ashes. Lexa tried to pull them back up but with just one look into those beautiful blue eyes, it was pointless to even try so she just accepted it and wondered if the girl would ever return her feelings and in that kiss and with what she said after, she knew Clarke did feel for her and for the first time in five years, Lexa dared hope that she could be happy again with the blonde by her side.

But as soon as she heard the words come out of the Mountain Man, Emerson’s mouth offering the deal, two things became perfectly clear to her in that precise second. One, she would take the deal. She couldn’t not take it. She couldn’t refuse it no matter how much she wanted to. It was the safety of her people that was in the balance. There was no way around it, she needed to do her duty, Lexa would do her duty no matter what. And two, she would lose Clarke because of it. The blonde would hopefully maybe one day understand her decision but Lexa knew that she would never have her forgiveness. She would lose her before she even had her.

Lexa thought about the offer, trying to find a loop hole she could exploit, another way in which she could avoid betraying Clarke, a way in which they wouldn’t have to have their hearts broken at the end of this battle, a way in which they could save all of their people without leaving anyone behind. She thought and thought but there was nothing. There was nothing she could do about it so with the sound of her heart being torn into pieces, Lexa said yes to the offer and now had to face the blonde and tell her what she had done behind her back.

Telling Clarke was even harder than she had thought it would be, the sheer look of heartbreak caused by a deep cutting betrayal on her face when she realized that Lexa had betrayed her was something the Commander knew she would never forget and would see it in her nightmares for the rest of her days. She wanted to do something, to help the blonde but she couldn’t. Lincoln could and tried. He tried to fight for the Sky People, for Octavia, for justice but Lincoln was not a leader, he didn’t make decisions that would affect thousands of others so she had him knocked out and carried away from the place.

She had told Clarke she cares and just wished she could show the blonde just how much she truly cared about her, that what they had shared in the amount of less than a week was stronger than anything she had ever felt before for anyone in her life, so much that it terrified her to feel it or now to lose it. She would like to show Clarke how much she wanted for the blonde to be with her, in her arms forever but Lexa didn’t say that, she couldn’t. She said a ‘I do care, Clarke’ but she knew it was not enough, for the blonde, at least. She knew that Clarke probably hated, despised and cursed her but there was no way she could go back now.

As she started to turn around, Lexa let one tear fall down on her face before straightening up and turning around to walk away from the Mountain and following her people through the woods back to their camp, not too far from there. It took the group 2 hours to reach the camp because of the recently released prisoners who were too weak to walk faster and when they got there, Lexa ushered the rescued people to get some help from Nyko, in regards to the recovery from their time in Mount Weather and once that was settled, Lexa retired to her tent, finally getting her emotions out in the open.

She finally let the tears fall down on her face as she poured herself a glass of wine and drank it all at once before filling it again. She could hear the movement outside her tent, her people were probably starting a celebration or were simply walking around the camp, either way, truthfully, she didn’t care, she was beyond miserable at this point. She wanted so badly to go back to be with Clarke, to help her make the decisions and bear the burden with her but it would ruin everything if the Mountain Men spotted her and she knew she couldn’t do anything for the woman she cared about but there was still one thing she could do.

“ **Ryder** ,” She wiped away her tears and called for her new bodyguard, something it also pained her heart to do and think about, since Gustus had fulfilled that particular post since she became Commander. From day one, he had been there by her side through it all and now he wasn’t because he didn’t trust her. His own choices and lack of faith in her led him to his death.

Ryder came inside, “ **Yes, Commander**?” He asked her and she sighed.

“ **Get Indra for me, immediately** ,” She said monotonously and he nodded leaving the tent.

Lexa drank two more glasses of wine and filled in again when Indra walked inside her tent, “ **You called for me, Commander?** ” The older warrior asked standing straight.

Yes, she knew the young girl since she was a child and probably had the permission to talk to her as one would talk to a family member but she was still her Commander, Indra needed to show respect especially now that she could see the state of mind and heart that the girl seemed to be in. It may not be wise to try to speak beyond what was asked of her so the seasoned warrior waited for the Commander to speak and Lexa pulled out a knife before putting it on the table and pushing it forward so it could reach her general.

“ **Give that to Lincoln and let him escape** ,” Lexa said looking at the woman who seemed shocked by what she was hearing.

“ **I don’t understand, Commander. No one from our people can return to the Mountain, those were the terms, wasn’t it?** ” Indra asked her and Lexa nodded.

“ **Yes, those were the terms but you know as well as I do that Lincoln’s heart lies within the Skaikru. If he could choose, he would choose Octavia and therefore would be branded a traitor therefore, he wouldn’t be going against the terms since he would no longer be one of us. So what I am doing is I am giving him that choice, the rest is up to him** ,” She explained.

The older woman nodded before she dared speak up deciding to push her luck, “ **Is this about the Sky Girl, Commander? Is this about Clarke and leaving her behind?** ” Indra asked her and Lexa chuckled but without any joy in it.

“ **You know me too well, Indra. The last one of my generals that do so** ,” Lexa said to her and Indra stayed quiet as Lexa took a deep breath and a sip of her wine before continuing,

“ **The sacrifice I made tonight to do what my head demaded and not what my heart begged for doesn’t have to be his. I had to betray and leave someone I cared for behind because my position and my duty to my people demanded me to do it but Lincoln does not have to share the same fate as I do. He can choose his heart, I cannot. Only one of us has the need to be miserable, and it shall be me, like always** ,” Lexa explained to her and Indra only looked at her.

“ **I am sorry, Commander** ,” She said to the young leader and she really was sorry for the girl in front of her right now, whose heart has been trampled over and broken many times.

Even if Indra didn’t always agree with the decisions she made, she still believed that her Commander deserved the chance to be happy. The Sky girl certainly wouldn’t be her first choice but if that was who Lexa chose, she would have supported her. But now, once again, the young girl had someone taken from her because of the demands of her duty, Indra only hoped that the damage wasn’t as big as she imagined it to be.

“ **So am I, Indra. However, there is nothing left to be done about it. Go to Lincoln and do not let him or anyone else know that I sent you to free him** ,” Lexa said and the general nodded moving forward to grab the knife before excusing herself and leaving to go to the young man and do what Lexa asked of her.

Lexa was left to her thoughts as she closed her eyes and sighed deeply. This moment should have been one filled with joy, excitement, relief, both from rescuing her people and for securing peace with the Mountain Men, at least for now, without bloodshed from her people. She should be celebrating, should be rejoicing in her victory at the task of rescuing all of her people made prisoners by the Mountain, that only the minimal number on her side lost their lives yet Lexa was not celebrating anything.

She could not.

She couldn’t celebrate anything regarding her victory tonight when said victory came at the back of the sacrifice of the only person that could make her feel again since Costia had died. Someone that made her feel things she had never felt before, not even Costia herself. Abandoning Clarke at the feet of the Mountain had broken her heart to do it but it was like she had said, she had made that choice with her head and not her heart. Because the truth is her heart would have chosen to stay with Clarke since it now belonged to her even if the blonde didn’t want or would ever want anything to do with it or her, for the matter.

When Lexa said that she did what Clarke would have done, she knew it was the truth.

As she had said to the blonde two nights before the attack when she had been fretting over their plans and strategies, Clarke was born a leader much like herself, which meant she would be willing to do anything to protect her people, to keep them safe so Lexa knew that if Clarke had been offered the deal in the same conditions she was, the blonde girl would have taken it. It would have broken her heart as it did Lexa’s but Clarke would have made the same choice. Any good leader would have. It is Clarke’s heart that Lexa knows that she has broken tonight, if not condemned her to die.

Lexa knew that Clarke would never leave the Mountain without her people, she would never give up on her friends. Clarke was not capable of giving up. Either she managed to free them or she would die trying and that knowledge that Clarke is still in danger and there is nothing she can do to help her made Lexa throw her glass into the floor, breaking it. She couldn’t be responsible for another death of someone she cared about and she also couldn’t stay without any information about what the fate of the blonde would be so therefore, she called for one of her warriors, a trustworthy scout, and ordered him to keep watch in the Mountain and especially on Clarke and reported back to her.

The warrior received the orders and nodded leaving her tent as Lexa was left to her own thoughts remembering everything that has happened to her these last few days and it only made her feel sorry for the people that came to care for her, in one way or another, nothing good came out of it. Gustus, Anya, Costia, they all paid with their lives for caring about the Commander, for caring about her, for being by her side until the end. Maybe Titus was right in his teachings and she just never understood them. Not until now.

Maybe love was weakness.

Maybe **her** love was weakness.

Maybe to be Commander is to be alone.

She always thought that he said that because she could get hurt if others got too close to her but now she realizes that it was about people getting hurt if they came too close to her. That she was poisonous for anyone that dared care about her. When she gave her heart to Costia like a reckless teenager, Lexa thought that she could help her people achieve peace and a better future and still have someone she loved by her side while she did it.

She had been selfish.

She should have known that she cannot be both the Commander and Lexa, not at the same time at least. That Lexa has no chance against the Commander, would not have a chance to win against what was demanded of her by her duty. Her wishes were meaningless in the face of the needs of her people. That whatever dream she had for that part of her, the part of her that was simply a young girl in love needed to disappear because it could never be true. Happiness was something never meant for her and she knew that now. Costia paid for that mistake and now Clarke is the one paying for it again.

She should have known better.


	4. Needing Strength

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bold: Trigedasleng

As those thoughts invaded her mind, Lexa could not stop them from growing, she could not stop herself from believing in them. What other explanation would there be for everything she lost?  What else could possibly explain why she had to keep losing everyone she cared about? It was as if she was cursed. As if she was meant to bring pain and destruction to those that came in contact and came to care for her. There was no other way to see it, especially after the newest demonstration. If Lexa were to see Clarke after tonight, she knew destruction is exactly what she would see reflec5ted in those blue eyes, along with hate, disgust and pain.

The idea that she broke something in Clarke that may never be fixed, that she hurt the girl beyond repair, that she brought a pain that couldn’t be forgotten, it twisted even further the knife that had been stabbed in her heart the moment she took the deal. She would take all the pain in the world if it meant she could protect Clarke from it and to think that she was the reason behind that pain was excruciating and for that, Lexa reached for the bottle of wine and drank directly from it until there was nothing left before asking the guards standing outside to bring her more bottles and at that moment, Indra entered the tent, looked at her and the glass  broken by the floor and sighed.

“ **You haven’t drunk this much since that night** ,” Indra said and they both knew she was talking about the night after she accepted the Ice Nation into her Coalition standing in front of the Queen and accepting her pledge instead of striking her dead for what she took from Lexa.

“ **I haven’t felt so miserably incapable of doing what I wanted since that night**. **Am I cursed, Indra? Am I selfish or am I simply blind to see that getting close to people is the same as giving them a death sentence?** ” Lexa turned to look at the warrior, “ **Everyone that has dared care about me has died, one after the other. You’re the only who hasn’t yet and if you don’t pull away, that will be your end too** ,” Lexa said, and the woman looked at her.

“ **Everyone dies of something at some point. It is the only certainty in life, that we will die** ,” Indra said to the girl trying to offer some comfort, but Lexa just shook her head.

“ **Yes, but I am the reason of every single one of their deaths. I loved Costia and Nia killed her because of it. We both know she knew that Costia didn’t know my secrets, she knew I wouldn’t have told them to anyone. Not even Titus knows them. You know that the only reason that she had her kidnapped and killed was to break me. She wanted me to go to war, break the Coalition, she wanted me to lash out so she could strike me and kill me** ,” Lexa said to the woman who nodded.

“ **I cared about Anya but after she chose to leave Polis when we had that fight, I sent her to deal with the Sky People and sentenced for her to die. I should have never said the things I said to her that day. I was angry and I lashed out at her and I shouldn’t have. I should have never let her leave, I should have apologized but I didn’t. Instead, I gave the control of her unit and the mission to Tristan. I know I hurt her doing that. She would have wanted to prove herself to me again, to show that I could trust her, and she died for it,** ”

“ **Gustus was there when I won my Conclave. He was the first person I trusted to be loyal to me besides you and Anya. And every day he proved to me that I hadn’t been wrong to do that, that he would protect me and keep me safe, that he would be there for me, that he would stay. His loyalty to me was his doom. He wanted to protect me from the Sky People even if meant disobeying my orders. He only wanted me to be safe and I killed him for it. I drove my sword into his heart and I know he didn’t blame me for it** ,” Lexa said as tears started falling down on her face as Indra just listened.

“ **I don’t even have to mention Kristian, you know every well how that went, how he lost his life because I was once again inconsequential and careless about what my actions cause to other people. So, tell me Indra, what exactly am I? Selfish, blind or poisonous? Or am I all three of the above and worse? Because right now, that is exactly what it feels like** ,” She said and sighed.

“ **You are neither one of those things, Lexa. You have never been selfish, blind or poisonous** ,” Lexa looked at her general as the woman continued, “ **You have been one of the strongest people I have known in my life but that doesn’t mean you are not allowed to be hurt with all that you’ve lost. I understand what you said but you know that Gustus, Anya and Costia never regretted caring about you** ,” Indra said sincerely to her.

“ **Anya was my second and I knew her well. She cared for you as one would do to their little sister. She saw so much of herself in you, you were both so much alike. She was always so proud of you that I know that if she had to die for you, she would do so gladly. Gustus and Costia were no different. They loved the person you are, not what title you have, they would have sacrificed anything for you because their feelings for you were strong and real. As you said, we don’t even need to mention Kristian** ,” She finished, and Lexa was still staring at her.

“ **How many more people will I have to lose, Indra? Can’t I for once just have something that is mine, not the Commander’s but Lexa’s, without having it taken from me one way or another**?” Lexa asked with sadness in her voice and Indra looked at her.

“ **I don’t know if you can, but I do know one thing, you deserve it. I am sorry that you had to leave Clarke behind. I was not sure how much you came to care for the girl, but I am sorry either way** ,” She said, and Lexa shook her head.

“ **She will never forgive me, will she?** **I am not even sure she should or if I deserve it. Probably not** ,” Lexa said and asked Indra but neither one of them was expecting an answer to that question. They both knew that the betrayal would weigh heavily on both girls.

Lexa turned her back to Indra and faced her throne and what it represented. She thought about her conclave and what she did to have the right to sit in that throne, those she killed for the right to call it hers. She thought what if she had died and one of them had been Commander instead? What if it was Bron or Dylan sitting in that throne? Would they be right now facing the same crisis she was? Would they have the same complaints as she does? Would they accept it or would they break from the weight of it all? She didn’t know.

What she did know now as she knew then was that they wouldn’t have accomplished everything she did, their people would still be at war with each other and who knows what would have happened to the Sky People had they been in command, if they had simply wiped them out instead of hearing them out. With those thoughts in mind, Lexa straightened her posture and with heavy but determinate steps she walked up to it and sat down and looked directly at Indra who had been watching her.

“ **I swore an oath the moment I took this throne and the Flame and although at times it gets hard, I do not regret it. This throne, this title, this burden has always been mine to bear. Even when I am as broken as I am now, I know I made the right decision in the Conclave and I know I made the right decision now. I chose to give up Lexa’s desires and chose to let the Commander be born and I will not weaken my resolve now, too many have died for it and I will not let their sacrifices, their deaths been in vain. There would be no greater dishonor I could bestow upon them if I do that** ,” Lexa said firmly.

“ **Spoken like a true Commander** ,” Indra said admiring the strength and the intelligence of the girl standing in front of her and Lexa nodded.

“ **I am a true Commander** ,” She said and continued, “ **Tonight, I will break down and cry what needs to cried, I will feel what needs to be felt. I will let the pain consume me until I can feel nothing else. I will let regret weigh me down until I feel like I can never get rid of it. I will be as weak as I know how to be,** ” Lexa sighed before continuing,

“ **But tomorrow, as the sun rises and announces a new day to come, I will be back on my feet and together, we will care for those we have rescued and deal with whatever comes next** ,” She said with determination.

“ **Wise choice, Commander,** ” Indra said nodding her head.

“ **It is. However, I fear I need to ask you for one more favor besides listening to my cries and complaints** ,” Lexa said to her and Indra nodded, “ **Get London here**.”

Indra nodded at that before excusing herself and moving out of the Commander’s tent in search of the woman. London was the one responsible for the Trikru’s tattoos and calling for her could only mean that Lexa wanted a new one. She had inkling on what the Commander wanted with that, given everything they had been talking about, but it was not her place to mention it or question it, so all the general did was what was asked of her.

Lexa was still seating in her throne but this time, she had a scroll on her hand as she drew the tattoo she wanted. Commander did not take kill marks because there would no space for the amount of deaths they have on their hands but Lexa found that at least with tattoos she could honor those she had lost, which is why she has a tattoo on her back in the memory of her fellow novitiates that died when she was chosen by the Spirit of the Commander. All but Luna who was very much still alive and did exactly what her brother wanted her to do. Live.

She was finished with the drawing, she wasn’t as skilled at it as Clarke but she could do enough with paper and charcoal to be considered basic. It was one of the lessons she had as a nightblood, to draw maps of the clans by memory so she wasn’t that bad. Ryder called out from the outside of the tent and she looked up. “ **If it is London, send her in** ,” She called out and soon enough, the flaps of her tent were pulled, and the old woman entered with her kit in one hand as she came to stop in front of her and bowed.

“ **Commander.** ” She said respectfully.

Lexa came down from her throne to stand in front of the woman, “ **I need you to make me a tattoo, here is the design** ,” She said passing the paper to the woman who took a look at it.

“ **It’s beautiful. Where do you want it**?” London asked and Lexa pointed to the space in the middle of her chest. “ **Very well. You should lay down so you can be more comfortable** ,” She instructed, and Lexa did that while the woman prepared her tools. Lexa took her shirt and her chest biding, being naked from the waist up, not that she minded.

“ **Do you want to change anything, or should I start, Heda**?” The woman asked once she sat down on a chair by the side of her makeshift bed.

“ **Go ahead** ,” Lexa answered, and the woman nodded as she started

Lexa just closed her eyes, the pain was nothing to her, she was quite used to it so much that it didn’t bother her at all. If the one on her back was to honor those she had killed to be the Commander, than this one on the front was to symbolize who had been hurt or killed because of her. Costia, Anya, Gustus, Kristian, and now Clarke. She would have a physical reminder of everything they did or meant for her and that she was very lucky to have met all of them, even if they have left her. It took a couple of hours but soon, the tattoo was finished.

“ **It’s done. I hope you like it, Commander** ,” London said, and Lexa grabbed the mirror she used to apply her war paint and looked at it. It was exactly as she expected and wanted it to be.

“ **You have done an amazing job, London. Thank you** ,” Lexa said looking at the woman.

“ **Not at all, it was my pleasure to help you and I am content that you have enjoyed it** ,” She spoke bowing slightly in respect and Lexa nodded.

“ **I did, very much. Your work is very beautiful and well done** ,” Lexa said praising the woman and the Trikru artist nodded.

“ **Well, you know how to take care of it. It will take about 5 days before it is healed but until then keep it covered, including from the sun** ,” London instructed Lexa to do and she nodded. She had other tattoos, so she knew the healing process of it.

“ **Very well, is there anything else I can help you with Commander?** ” London asked her and Lexa shook her head at the woman.

“ **No, thank you, London. Your services are not required, you may be excused to go** ,” Lexa said to her in a grateful tone and the woman nodded.

“ **I understand. If you excuse me** ,” She said smiling as she finished locking her stuff before she looked at the Commander and left her tent as Lexa stood up and put on her shirt back before walking out of her private area and went back to the main part of the tent and went to sit down on her throne since she knew there was no way she would be able to sleep that night. She would just have to wait for the sun to rise.

She wondered what could be happening inside the Mountain? What has Clarke decided to do? Is she alive, dead, imprisoned, free? What was becoming of the girl whom made her question everything she knew about herself, about her duties? She had envied Lincoln, for having the freedom of choosing his own path, the path that would lead him back to the woman he loved. She had no such privileges, she wouldn’t have them for as long as she was Commander and unless she died, she didn’t plan on relinquishing that part of her.

Even if it sometimes what it demands of her comes close to breaking her completely, she still didn’t regret what her choice was 10 years ago. She chose her people above everything, above herself, above the lives of the novitiates, some of whom she considered friends. She chose her people over vengeance, she chose her people over the girl she was in love with and Lexa knew that whatever came next, she would choose her people over anything again and again and as many times as it was required from her to do it.

However she could not help but wonder what would have happened had she stayed? What would have happened to Clarke? And one thing was for sure, she would have lost more people than she would be okay with. Her people were already dying just trying to get inside, what would have happened once they got in? Would all the people that survived have survived then if she had stayed? Probably not. Too many of them would have died and instead of punishing herself for leaving Clarke behind, she would be punishing herself for letting her people die when she could have stopped it if she had taken the deal.

There was no good choice for either of them. One way or another, people would have to be sacrificed. Either hers, Clarke’s or the Mountain’s, one of them would have to die for the other two to survive. She wondered who might have won now that she pulled back. Something told her that Clarke would find a way to free her people, but she also knew that it would take too much for her to achieve that and she hoped Clarke would be okay, somehow, someway. She dared not hope for her forgiveness but she hoped that at least Clarke could understand her and know that she did care about her and her people, even if she couldn’t have chosen them.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to calm her heart and her mind from the emotions were swirling inside. She knew, that whatever news she received tomorrow in the morning would dictate what would be of their relationship with the Sky People and she just hoped that both Clarke and she would make the best choice for both of their people. Because Lexa was sure, that if it came down to war between them, she would never be able to kill Clarke or allow anyone to harm her, she wondered if Clarke would feel the same, if she would also not be able to kill Lexa if they faced each other on the battle field. She hoped but she didn’t know the answer to that.

At least, not anymore.


	5. Guilt and Doubt

_May we meet again_

Clarke has heard that phrase so many times over the years and yet she had never hated those words more than when she heard them being said by someone she had come to care about, someone she had trusted, not only with her people but with whatever was left of her heart. She didn’t want to believe it, she didn’t want to believe that Lexa would have betrayed her like this, would have let her people to die, leave her to die in the hands of the Mountain Men, in Cage’s hands, even as she saw the Commander release Emerson, even when she ordered the retreat, even when she turned her back and walked away.

Clarke didn’t want to believe that everything they had come to share was a lie.

Deep down, past the hurt and betrayal she was feeling, she knew in her heart that it wasn’t a lie. Maybe that was exactly why it hurt so much because she knows that whatever she felt during their time together Lexa had felt it as well. She knows that not a single look shared between them had been a lie or fake or even any indication that what happened tonight was even a possibility for either one of them and therefore it caught both by surprise that it did happen. There had been a strong connection between them and for Clarke, having it broken in this way was hurting really bad.

She had seen Lexa, truly seen the woman within, the woman hidden behind the mask of the ruthless and intelligent Commander the blonde had come to know and see. Clarke had seen the depts of Lexa’s heart and she had felt like she had been rapidly falling in love with the brunette. Clarke had been fascinated by her, she knew they had started something that day by the tent when they kissed. Everything she felt during that moment, she had never felt that way before with anyone. She didn’t even know if she was capable to truly describe what she felt.

It was like everything inside of her was burning with the touch of Lexa’s lips on hers, like every single cell on her body, every single atom inside of her was reacting to the brunette, yearning for her, wishing for more, wanting to feel her, feel her skin, touch her body, as if nothing would quench that desire until they became one. It was nothing she had thought possible to feel for another person. It was so primal, so essential, so fundamental for her to have Lexa like that, so much that it scared the hell out of her, especially as she remembered that Finn had died just about 5 days before she was feeling all of that for someone who indirectly had a hand in his death. As if anything about them had ever been anything short of complicated.

She had pulled away from the kiss despite the protests from her body and heart but it had not been the right moment for either one of them to deal with everything they felt and would be the consequence of that, not with a war coming, not with the lives of so many people on the line, not when she had just killed a boy she had deeply cared for. If they were to see if this could go where that kiss implied it could, then it would have to wait after the war was over, after they had won. She wondered now, if she had surrendered to her feelings, if the outcome would have been different. If Lexa would have stayed.

No, she wouldn’t have. Not if the situation in the Mountain had been the same and the deal was still made. The only thing giving themselves to their urges would have changed was that both would have been even more destroyed than they already were now, and Clarke thanked her mind for avoiding adding salt to the injury, there was enough hurt between them without that getting added to the mix. And now, as she made her way to the drilling room, moving past all the people she had killed, Clarke wondered if she would ever be the same.

Bellamy, Monty and she made their way inside as she moved to go straight to her mother’s arms. They held each other, crying, as tightly as possible before Clarke pulled back to look at her. “I tried…,” she said with a lump on her throat, “I tried to be the good guy,” Clarke said with her voice breaking and Abby tried to give her a comforting smile.

“Maybe there are no good guys,” She said, and Clarke nodded before hugging her again and trying to draw strength from her mother before she pulled back and Kane came to their side.

“We need to leave now. Everyone is restless to get out of here,” He explained to them and they nodded. Clarke was thrown back into leader mode, trying very hard to surpass everything she was feeling for the sake of her people, as usual.

“We need stretchers for the ones who were drilled, and the rest can walk,” She said to him and he nodded before he moved to do what she said and in time they were able to secure everyone. The rest of the 100 was given weapons, just in case the danger was not over yet and soon they started making their way out of the Mountain, passing by the corpses on level 5.

Clarke didn’t look at them, she didn’t need to. The image was well saved on her mind and she doubted she would ever forget it, no matter how much time passed, she knew that scene would stay with her forever, she just hope they wouldn’t haunt her for that long. Bellamy was by her side all the while and she noticed his intake of breath as well and she knew he had looked at them, at Maya, at the kids. She wished she hadn’t put that burden on his shoulders, but she also knew if she had to do it alone, the weight of her decision would have suffocated her and she didn’t know if she would recover from it so for her own selfish reasons, she was glad he pulled that lever with her.

Once the door was opened, Clarke and Bellamy were the first ones out given that they were leading the others away from the place so they walked further and watched one by one their people leaving those doors as Clarke remembered seeing the same thing happen a few hours ago but instead of her people, it was Lexa’s people coming out of those doors after she had taken their deal and had betrayed Clarke and left her behind. She didn’t think Lexa walking away from her was a scene she would ever forget as well. But she had too. She had to forget everything that could remind her of the brunette girl. She had to.

“Do you think the grounders will attack us?” Bellamy asked her worried about how they would defend themselves should an attack happen, but Clarke shook her head. Somehow, she knew they didn’t need to worry about that.

“No, I don’t think they will, but we can’t trust them so better to be careful,” She said, and he nodded, just as they heard movement coming from behind and turned around fast with their weapons raised.

They were ready to shoot but as soon as they saw that it was Lincoln, they both lowered their weapons as the man came to stand in front of them. “The Mountain Men?” He asked them and Bellamy answered.

“They’re gone. All of them,” He said, and they could see the shock on the usually stoic grounder. And before they could say anything else, they heard a cry.

“Lincoln,” Octavia said as she ran towards her boyfriend and they hugged each other tightly, never wanting to let go again.

“I’m glad you’re safe. I had feared the worst,” He said into her shoulder and she pulled back to look at him to make sure he was okay.

“How are you here now? I thought they had taken you with them,” Octavia said to him and he nodded his head at her.

“They did but I escaped with Indra’s help,” He said to her and the other three were surprised by the information.

“Indra helped you? How? Why?” Octavia asked him and he nodded sighing as he prepared to explain it to her and to the other two listening to him.

“She gave me a choice. Stay and leave you here or come back and be a traitor to my people. There was no choice to be made,” He said firmly and with certainty as if there was no way he could have chosen anything else but to be with her, no matter the cost to himself and Octavia hugged him.

“Why would Indra go against the Commander’s orders just to let you go and be with the girl you love? Isn’t she loyal to Lexa? Doing something like this could cost her her life, no?” Clarke wondered out loud and Lincoln turned to her.

“Yes, her life would be in danger, but Indra didn’t go against the Commander’s order. Lexa let me go,” He said to them as a matter of fact and now they were all shocked.

“Why would she do that after she took the deal of the Mountain Men and practically kidnapped you?” Bellamy asked and Lincoln shook his head.

“That reason is between Lexa and I but in the end of the day, now I am a traitor to my people, and I will not be allowed to go back. They will kill me if I do,” He said to them and Octavia held his hand intertwining their fingers together.

“You’re coming with us. We can keep you safe in the camp,” She said to her boyfriend and he nodded before they turned to walk away from before Lincoln turned around.

“Just so you know Cage is dead. I killed him with the red drug,” He said to Clarke and Bellamy before moving forward with Octavia.

“Why would Lexa let him go? I don’t understand. It seemed like there was a secret story to their relationship,” Bellamy said to her and Clarke nodded at him.

“I don’t understand it either, but it doesn’t matter to us anymore. The only thing we need to worry about is getting our people back home and safely. Whatever secret Lexa and Lincoln have, it’s theirs to know and I have no interest in finding out. Let Grounders deal with their people and we will deal with ours,” Clarke said firmly, and Bellamy nodded at her.

“Lead the way, princess,” He said as they moved along with their people going forward and trying to let what happened stay in the past.

It was deep in the night when the Sky People made their ways towards Camp Jaha through the woods. Clarke and Bellamy were the last ones of the group, guarding their backs and watching out for attacks coming from behind. Although, Clarke didn’t want to think that Lexa would attack them, she wasn’t sure she even knew the woman as well as she thought she did so right now, she wasn’t discarding any possibilities and although she was feeling destroyed on the inside, she was on high alert just in case.

Both Bellamy and she were thinking about what they have done and what it would mean for them next. They had irradiated the Mountain and killed every single one of the people inside, one way or another. Dante was killed by the bullet she put in his chest just to force Cage to let her people go, though she knew realized it was pointless. The man was obsessed, he would never have stopped. Even if they offered to volunteer and she was sure Kane must have tried that option, he wouldn’t stop so she killed the man for nothing.

Bellamy was thinking about the people that he had got to know during his days in that place, people like Maya and her father, the children, all people they had killed. He knew that there had been no other choice for them, and he didn’t think of a better idea than Clarke’s but still, he had hoped that they could have found another solution but the only choice they had was to kill everyone and the least he could have done was to share the burden with Clarke. But what was on both of their minds were questions they didn’t have the answer for.

How would they move past it? Was it possible to move past something as big and cruel and devastating as genocide? Would they change? Have they changed already? How would they be able to look at the mirror and still recognize who was there staring back at them?

As Clarke thought of these questions as she looked to the sky seeing the sun start to rise in the blue sky and the promise of a new day rising along with it. She knew that if she were to recover, it would not be easy, but Dante said something she doesn’t think she will ever forget. ‘I bear it, so they don’t have to’. That is what it means to be a leader, to shoulder the burden of hard choices and still make them again and again. ‘The dead are gone. The living are hungry.’ She hadn’t understood what Lexa meant by that at the time, but she did now.

As leaders, they didn’t had time to grieve or to break down because despite the deaths that haunted them, those who were still alive still needed them to provide, protect and to keep going. She could see that as she looked at her people. They still had a road to recovery, and she suspected it was a very long one at that but no matter her feelings and how destroyed she felt, her people still needed her to be there for them. They needed her to bear it and move on from it for their sake as well as her own. She wondered if she could.

If she could stand to be in the camp and look at everyone that was saved and know what she did to get them back? The lives she took, the innocents she murdered, the friends she betrayed, could she really stand to be around Jasper and see his pain for losing Maya knowing she was the one who did that to him? Could she look at Raven and her mother and see what was done to them and remember the children she killed to save them? Could she really stay with them and not crumble with the guilt she felt for what she had done?

“Hey, you okay?” Bellamy asked interrupting her thoughts as Clarke turned to look at him and sighed already knowing the answer to that question.

“No, I am not okay. You?” She returned the question to him and already knew what his answer would be, they did it together, they suffered the same fate together as well.

“No. But I believe we will be, someday, somehow,” He said to her trying to sound convincing and she looked away from him.

“Do we even deserve to be okay after what we did?” She asked out loud more to herself as Camp Jaha came into full view.

“We did what we had to do, Clarke. Nothing more, nothing less,” He said answering the question for her as they kept walking up the hill along with the others.

“Did we Bellamy? Did we really have to kill all of them? The children? I am not so sure anymore. How can we live with ourselves after that?” She asked as they continue to walk as the gates opened and the rest of their people came to help the newcomers.

“Hey, we can get through this,” He said as they stopped and watched their people enter their home.

“I don’t know if I can get in,” She said with her voice breaking down at the thought of facing her demons born out of the action she took in the name of everyone inside that camp.

“Clarke, if you need forgiveness, I’ll give that to you. You’re forgiven. Please, come inside,” He said the words she once said to him while looking worriedly at her and she looked back at him.

“Seeing their faces every day is just going to remind me of what I did to get them here,” She said to him and he turned to face her.

“What **we** did. You don’t have to do this alone,” He said to her, hoping that she wouldn’t leave him or them and she looked back at the camp and at her mother.

“I don’t know if I can do this at all Bellamy. I don’t know if I am strong enough to get through this,” She said to him, and he moved forward holding her hand.

“Yes, you are, and you can if you let us help you. Besides, where would you even go?” He said to her and she squeezed his hand back.

“I don’t know,” She said shrugging her shoulders. She really wouldn’t know where to go from here but right now, it was looking as if it was the easier choice.

“I know you’re hurting, so am I. But we did this together and we will move past this together. I am not leaving you so you can’t leave me either. I will be really mad at you if you go,” He said to her and she gave him a small smile as she stayed quite thinking about it before she nodded.

“Okay, I’ll stay. I don’t need another person angry at me for something I did,” She said to him trying to joke about it as he sighed relieved before he hugged her as she hugged him back.

“Thank you for not leaving when I need you the most,” He said sincerely to her and she nodded her head against his shoulder as she tightened her hold on his waist.

“Thank you for not letting me leave,” She replied to him and he sighed in relief smiling.

“You’re welcome,” He said before he pulled back and looked at her, “Well, I don’t know about you but I could use a drink,” Bellamy said to her remembering their talk during Unity Day and she smiled remembering it too as she looked in front of her at the place she once called home, wondering if it was still home, before looking back at him.

“I could use more than one,” She said, and he nodded. He started walking inside and she was walking along with him before she stopped and turned around to look at the woods and thought about a certain brunette with green eyes and for one moment, Clarke forgot everything that happened last night and spoke what her heart wanted to say, hoping that the message would carry on to the woman in question, “May we meet again,” She said before she walked back inside with the gates closing in behind her.


	6. Personal Thoughts

After speaking those four words, to the wind, in blind hope it would carry to the ear of a certain Commander, which confused the blonde who didn’t know why she still cared for the brunette girl even after the betrayal she committed against her people, Clarke walked inside the camp, hearing the gates close behind her and went straight to her mother who was still on the stretcher and kneeled down beside her. Abby turned to look at her daughter and sighed relieved before raising her hand and caressing Clarke’s cheek. “I was afraid you would leave,” Abby said sincerely happy to have been wrong and Clarke sighed as gave her a small smile.

“I almost did but Bellamy convinced me to stay,” Clarke answered truthfully, she was actually tired of the spiraling relationship she had with her mother since her father died and decided it was time to change that, as Abby nodded.

“Sweetheart, I can only try to understand what you are going through right now and I am sorry about the things I said to you in TonDC. I was wrong,” Abby said to her knowing how those words must have hurt her daughter.

Clarke shook her head. “There is nothing to apologize. You had your reason to think that, I thought it myself,” She said honestly but Abby shook her head.

“Yes, there is. I don’t think I understood what it meant to be on Earth until today and I tried to pretend that you were still the little girl that would hold onto me for protection whenever she was scared,” Abby said smiling at her and Clarke shook her head as tears threatened to fall.

“Right now, I feel like that little girl again,” She said as a tear escaped and ran down her face as Abby pulled her into a hug.

“I’m right here, honey. I always will be right here for you, no matter how old you are or how grown up you seem to be,” She said sincerely, and Clarke nodded.

But then they were interrupted by Bellamy and Kane who joined them, so Clarke pulled back before looking at the men. “Abby, we need to take you to Medical along with all the others. There, you will be better assisted,” Kane said looking at Abby and she nodded at him before two guards came and picked her up carrying her away.

Clarke sighed before she stood up, she knew that they still needed to have a talk, but it would have to wait for when her mother was feeling better. “How are the others?” Clarke asked Kane as he looked at her and sighed deeply.

“Alive, which right now is good enough for me. Raven is hurt and is in Medical too, but the others are mostly scared, they still fear that the Mountain Men would be coming for them at any moment,” He said to her and she nodded her head.

“I understand but there is nothing we can do about that fear right now. Only time can help us move forward from the horrors we seen and done inside that place. At least, that is what I am hoping for,” She said to him and both men nodded at her.

“What about the grounders? What will we do about them?” Bellamy asked them.

“There is nothing to be done about them,” Kane said to them, and the two young leaders looked at him as he continued, “I understand how you feel about what the Commander did but I truly doubt anyone in her position would have done differently. I don’t think I would have. She sought out to save her people and she did as we saved ours. We can’t blame them as we cannot blame ourselves. We all did what we had to do for our people, they’re no different,” Kane said as Clarke and Bellamy looked at each other.

“I would think that as soon as they hear about what happened, they will send a message to discuss what happens next, how will be the relationship between us all,” He said to them.

“You don’t think they will attack us? Especially now that we are still recovering and would definitely be at a disadvantage to defend ourselves against the Coalition’s Army?” Clarke asked him and the older man shook his head.

“Lexa has no reason to attack and if we don’t give them one, I think we will be safe. Like you said, it is only a matter of time now,” He said, and Clarke nodded at him.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe, we are actually safe for now,” She said to him, hoping that his words were true, and Kane nodded hoping the same thing.

“Now, if you excuse me, I have to go check on the others. Make sure that everything is taken care of,” He said and left them to their own thoughts.

“What are you going to do now?” Bellamy asked her and she shrugged before looking at him.

“Take a shower, get rid of these clothes and try to sleep if I can, I guess. What about you?” she asked him, and he shrugged too.

“I don’t know, probably the same. A shower does sound nice.” He said and she nodded before they both started walking away and as they passed by, they could see the families of the kids kept in Mount Weather being reunited with them and Clarke tried to focus on that, focus on the fact that she saved those people but at what price?

‘Victory stands in the back of sacrifice’ Clarke remembered hearing the Commander say those words after the bombing of TonDC , after Lexa made the decision to let all those people, her own people die for the greater good of the war, though Clarke hadn’t understood just how much that was true until last night, and Clarke also remembered what her words were after Lexa said that. Clarke said she wanted the Mountain Men dead, all of them. Well, turned out she got what she wanted, their end delivered by her own hands.

Now, that was something else.

When she had said those words, she had been angry because of all the deaths in TonDC caused by their missile sent by Cage. All she could see was the burnt bodies, the smoke and hear their screams asking for help or calling after their loved ones and Clarke wanted so badly to hurt them like they have hurt the grounders and the Sky People since this war started, she wanted them to pay for every life they took, every person they had captured and turned into reapers, every grounder that had been drained from their blood, she wanted justice. But she had never truly wanted all of them dead.

She knew that there were innocent people there, Bellamy had warned her about it when he made contact and she knew that whatever plan they made, the innocent needed to be saved. Women, men, elders and children. People that had helped them, people that didn't agree with their ways to treat the grounders. People that fought by their side to do the right thing. Like Maya. They were supposed to spare those people. They were supposed to punish the guilty and only the guilty, like Dante and Cage Wallace and their followers. The innocents shouldn't have died. She shouldn't have killed them.

But what other choice did she have at that moment?

There was no other choice, Cage saw to that. She had given him a chance to do better, a chance to make a choice that would have saved not only his people but also hers. However, be it his pride, his cruelty or simply his disbelief that she would do whatever it took to get her people back, he intentionally or not pushed her hand and she was forced to irradiate the Mountain and kill every one of them. She couldn’t even wait to try something since he was going to kill her mother, she could not let that happen. She had to save them.

She passed by them with Bellamy following her into Alpha Station before they went their separate ways in search for their respective rooms. Once Clarke opened the door, entered her room and closed it behind her, she leaned against the metal door and slide down to the ground with her gun falling down from her hand as well. She looked at her hands and although they looked clean, she knew that there was so much blood in them. She remembered the tradition that the grounders had of having kill marks in their bodies.

Her back was not big enough for over 600 hundred people she killed in less than three weeks, she knew that she had to do it, but it didn’t make it any easier to bear it. She had wanted so badly to believe that Earth was beautiful like she imagined it would be, but there is a darkness to it that she didn’t think any of her people, herself included had been ready to face it. To let it consume them. How could they have ever imagined that all they would know since coming down here would be war and death after death? How could they have been prepared for it?

She didn’t know the answer to those questions, but she knew that they would look up to her to continue leading them and although she had thought of leaving, she knew she couldn’t do it. It wouldn’t be fair on anyone of the people that cared about her if she did that, as it wouldn’t be good for her people or herself. If she had left, she had no idea where to go and how would she survive on her own? Besides, how could being isolated help her overcome her monsters? It would only made them grow bolder and have a deeper hold on her than they already have.

What about her friends? Bellamy, Monty, Raven, the rest of the 100? How would they feel if she just left them behind? She knew Bellamy was right when he said he would be angry with her and he would have every right to be. She wasn’t the only one that was hurting, he was too and all because he didn’t want her to do what she did alone, because he wanted to help her. How would she repay him? By leaving him to deal with it all on his own? That would be too cruel on her part and she knew if she did that, their friendship would be compromised and she didn’t want that, at all.

She may not be in love with him, but she did love him. As a friend, as a brother and she knew she needed him just as much as he needed her. She couldn’t abandon him especially when she knew he wouldn’t abandon her. And Raven? Who was facing an uphill battle now that her leg was even worse thanks to the drilling the Mountain Men did on her. How would she feel if Clarke left? Pissed off and hurt, for sure. They may have started out their friendship on the wrong foot, with Clarke sleeping with Finn and killing him, but in the end, they overcame it.

They were friends and Clarke didn’t want to lose that, she knew the girl would need her by her side to offer support, understanding, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to her complaints, a friend to not let her quit even when she wanted to, just as Raven would offer her all of that as well. Monty and the others, they trusted her to get them out and she did, Monty was also there when they made the fated choice, he was a part of it and she knew that with Jasper being as broken and angry as he is, that the young engineer would have to rely on the others to recover as well.

And her mother? Clarke couldn’t even begin to think about what her mother would feel if the blonde had simply turned around from the gates and ventured into the wild without a goodbye or a prospect of when she would return, if she ever did. They had their problems, their differences of opinion, their fights but Abby was her mom, nothing and no one could change that. And despite the fact that Clarke had been closer with her Dad, it didn’t mean that she loved her mom any less, in fact now she believed she would need her more than ever.

They would both need each other and to be honest, she just wanted to crawl into her mother’s arms and let her tell Clarke that everything would be okay, that she would be okay because at this moment, it surely didn’t feel like it. And on top of all of that, there were still her people that also needed her, she needed to take care of them or else everything she did was for nothing and she couldn’t let that be true besides something told her that the best things for them would be if she was in charge, even if she was still broken.

With that in mind, she let herself take a deep breath before she pushed herself from the ground and back to her feet. She walked towards the bed and started removing the armor she had been given by the Commander and put it in top of the bed as she sat down to remove her boots, followed by her pants and underwear and her shirt, she was naked and walked towards the bathroom, getting inside and started sponge bathing given that they didn’t had the time to fix that problem so they would have running water.

As she started her shower, she was swept in by the emotions invoked by remembering everything what she had done since they landed, everything she had done to ensure the survival of her people and Clarke started to rub her skin with as much strength as she could muster, which given her emotional state was not much to begin with, but still enough to get her skin red and sore as her tears started to fall down on her face and sobs wrecked her body as they were finally being let out.

How could she have done it? How could she have killed an entire civilization? Children? How was she capable of committing genocide? She was supposed to be the good guy. She had said to Dante that they were the good guys. Yet all she could hear was her mother's voice telling her that maybe there were no such a thing and she knew now that to be true. In the end, all them wanted the same thing, to save their people and make sure they were okay and all of them were ready to do whatever it took to do that however, she could not help but ask herself.

If they were not the good guys, if there were no good guys, then what were they? They were just people trying to survive day after day, was the only answer she could come up with. She could almost hear Bellamy’s voice as he said that who they are and who they need to be in order to survive are very different things. Was it really? Was she not the same person as the one that pulled the lever? Or the person that burnt 300 warriors alive?

She didn't think so. They may be different, but they were not opposites, everyone has lines they don’t cross even if for their own survival. She was ready to cross all the lines she thought she never would. She did cross them. She let Bellamy torture Lincoln. She almost got Murphy killed for something he didn’t do. She slit the throat of a grounder. She burnt 300 of them alive. She let a bomb drop on a village and she wiped out an entire civilization. She was the person that did all of that and if she wanted to have any hope of ever forgiving herself for it, she needed to own her actions and their consequences.

Clarke stopped crying and she told herself she couldn't be weak, that she needed to be strong for herself and for people and her thoughts were bringing her back to think about a pair of piercing green eyes she couldn’t get out of her mind. The most beautiful shade of green she had ever seen in her entire life, putting the green of the forest to shame, so beautiful that she could lose herself into their depths, desperate to uncover their secrets, eager to love every single part of it. Green eyes that seemed to hold the secrets but most importantly, all the beauty Earth had to offer her.

Green eyes. Her eyes.

Lexa.

She let her thoughts wander to the Commander as she dried herself and went in searching for clean clothes. She probably wouldn’t burn the coat, something would never allow her to do that, probably because Lexa had given her the coat to her herself, delivered into her hands explaining that every warrior needed one and most of all a leader such as Clarke. But as for the rest, she wanted nothing to do with them. She wouldn’t throw them away, burn them or rip them apart but she would get rid of them and everything that they reminded her of.

As she finished getting dressed in tight black pants and a blue shirt she found in the closet, she remembered green eyes adorning a bloodied face as Lexa’s betrayal was revealed but what Clarke remembered seeing the most was green eyes, moist with tears that were threatening to fall but refusing to do so. She remembered seeing one single tear fall down the older girl's eyes just before she turned to walk away from Clarke and the Sky People, leaving them behind and it was that tear, that one tear, that stopped Clarke from completely hating the Commander.

That tear betrayed the stoic image the girl tried so hard to maintain while leaving her behind. With that tear, she showed that decision to leave was hurting her just as much as it was hurting Clarke and that, in return, confused Clarke's heart and mind even further as they pulled her away in two different directions. One that wanted to hate the girl, wanted to believe that she was a heartless bitch that never cared about them or Clarke for the matter. That Lexa had just used them to get her own people out and just used her to do it. A part that wanted to blame Lexa for the actions the blonde was forced to take inside the Mountain.

But as soon as she would decide to follow that part of her, the other would remind her of gentle times, of rare and shy smiles, of understanding, of flirting, of protecting, of confessions, of a kiss that turned her world upside down, of a treacherous tear and Clarke couldn't hate her anymore. Yes, both parts could agree on being hurt and angry about what Lexa did, but she couldn't go any further than that. She couldn't blame Lexa for doing what she devoted her life to do, protect her people, but she had to stay away from the girl.

It would be too easy to fall back into the spell that it was Lexa. Clarke needed to protect herself, protect her heart from the brunette. She needed to think of herself first, of her own sanity. Besides, it could be petty, but she wanted the other girl to think she hated her, she wanted her to feel something for leaving Clarke. She couldn't give Lexa the satisfaction of knowing that Clarke could even understand her choice. No, if given the chance, Clarke would show the opposite. She would show Lexa that she was deeply hurt and angry and hateful, even if she wasn’t the last one.

They were supposed to have defeated and conquered Mount Weather together. They were supposed to have celebrated the victory together. They should have seen peace between their people flourish together. They should have been together. Period. They could have but now they could not. With that in mind, Clarke decided to try and get some sleep, if that was even possible. She closed her eyes, let out a deep breath and let her tiredness claim her as she prayed that her demons would be merciful on her and wouldn’t make her nightmares even worse than what they already were when she was awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys? How are you liking this story so far? Good? Promising? Boring? Garbage? I would really like to know your thoughts on this, after all this story is for you so please, comment a lot. I love reading your comment but please do it respectfully.  
> Anyway, I hope you are enjoying ti as much as I enjoyed writing it. Until the enxt update.  
> Kisses, Kisses,  
> Your Author.


	7. Mountain News

As the hours passed by and the sun started rising high in the Sky, in the morning after the battle with the Mountain, Lexa was still sitting on her throne in the same position since she first sat on it the night before, only that now she was with a glass of water to help with the possible hangover she would have from drinking so much wine last night. Indra had been right, she didn’t usually drink that much, she always liked being in control of her senses so she wouldn’t be caught by surprise from anyone trying to harm her but last night, she had let go of that control and drank to her heart’s desire.

Lexa had not sleep last night, at all. Not even closed her eyes and tried. How could she when her thoughts had not strayed away from the Mountain and the Sky Girl that she left behind to deal with such an enemy all by herself with the possible help from only a few of her friends? As much as she spent the night thinking about her choice to take the deal repeatedly until the point where her mind was begging to shut down, Lexa knew there was no other way out of that situation, no other outcome she could have had in that predicament.

There was no better choice for her people, not at that moment. She had told Clarke that plans don't last very long in battle and she was right, she had been in too many battles and wars to know that a leader has to know how to adapt to whatever situation is presented to them as fast as possible and try to win with whatever was thrown their way, whatever surprise they had. She wished desperately that their plan could have worked the way they wanted to, she wished for it so badly, but she knew it didn't. It wouldn't have, not without losing hundreds of her people in a matter of just few seconds.

She knew that she couldn't have chosen differently, no matter how much she had wished she didn’t had to. When she ascended to the throne, during the ceremony, she made an oath to always protect and serve her people before anything or anyone and by taking the deal, that's exactly what she did. She fulfilled her oath. She protected them the best way she could and even if some of her people could not see it that way right now thinking she had denied them their rightful justice on those who terrorized them for so long, which she was sure some did, she couldn't regret it.

She was sorry about it though. She was sorry that the price of that choice would be Clarke’s to pay. She had never meant or wished for the girl, with hair like the sun and eyes blue as the sky and as deep as the sea, to get hurt at all and especially not because of something Lexa did. She knew that Clarke and her people would blame her for either the death of their friends and kids or for whatever the blonde had to do to free them from the Mountain’s clutches. She knew she should expect retaliation for the betrayal, but she hoped Clarke didn’t hate her that much.

Lexa thought about the warning Indra gave her about the Sky People and sighed. Indra could be right, and Lexa would be blind and stupid not to consider it. People could think what they wanted of the woman, but Lexa trusted her. Indra was Anya’s first and Anya had been her first, so in a way almost everything she knew, she learned from the seasoned warrior and could only be grateful for Indra’s presence by her side. She had been all but a child when she rose to command, but Indra had believed in her strength to do all the things she wanted for their people, such as the Coalition.

Lexa also knew that she would have lost so many more battles if Indra had not been by her side, the woman saving her life more times than she could count, always having her back no matter what situation was it, or what Lexa had done. Indra was a good leader for the Trikru and she always followed Lexa with unquestionable loyalty. Of course, sometimes she disagreed with some of the Commander’s decision as Lexa suspected she disagreed with the last one, but Indra would never betray her. Of that she was sure of.

There were not a lot of people still alive that Lexa could say she trusted but Indra was most certainly one of them. From of all the things Lexa had to thank Indra for, staying by her side when she had lost Costia was number one. Indra was actually there the moment Lexa saw Costia’s head inside the box on top of her bed in her room in Polis. The general had been there when Gustus and Anya stormed in her room after they heard her screams, but Anya and Indra held her up as she screamed in pain, hurt and anger. They were the only thing anchoring Lexa through that difficult moment of losing someone she loved.

The other people who helped her in the same way were Gustus and Anya but neither of them was here anymore. They were both dead. She only had Indra left, she didn't want to lose the woman, she refused to lose one of the few people who really knows her and truly cares about her. Indra accompanied her when she went to offer Nia a place for Azgeda in her Coalition and Lexa knew if Indra had not been there, she would have done something that would have gotten herself killed or at the very least undone everything she had worked for.

All those things made the general someone she valued more than she probably should, for it was risky to care about anyone in her position of power but also which is why she had called the woman in her tent to talk to her. She could trust Indra and she was glad for it, she really needed someone to be there for her right now, after yet another loss of someone she loved. Her thoughts were interrupted by the very subject of her thinking. “ **Commander**.” The woman said bowing down in respect to Lexa and the position she held while the girl looked at her.

“ **I wanted to know if there is news of the Mountain or Lincoln?** ” Lexa asked her and Indra tensed and shook her head.

“ **Nothing as of yet, Commander**. **He escaped as you ordered,** ” She said seriously and Lexa stared at her before she asked the warrior a question.

“ **You have always spoken what was on your mind Indra. Don't stop now. Speak true. Do you think I made the wrong decision retreating**?” Lexa said firmly and Indra looked at her and knew she was allowed to speak her mind, so she did. 

“ **I wanted us to stay and fight, Commader. We could have won against the Maunon, they were already losing. We would have avenged our people but you made a deal with them**.” Indra said taking a deep breath before she continued with her speech while Lexa listened to her words attentively.

“ **You made a truce with the same people that treated our family and friends as animals, killing them, turning them into Reapers and you ordered us to retreat as if we were cowards who were too afraid to fight and die to defeat them and had to leave with our tails between our legs. And on top of that, we betrayed our allies while doing so, it was not what I wanted you to have done or even what I thought you would do** ,” Indra ranted as Lexa stared at her and listened to her without interrupting.

Indra noticed the stare and the silence. “ **Forgive me, Commander. I didn't mean to offend you or disrespect you. Forgive me,** ” The woman bowed her head in respect.

“ **I asked for your opinion, Indra and that's what you offered me**.” Lexa said as she sighed. “ **Believe me, I, more than anyone, wanted for us to stay and fight. To finally free our people from the fear of the Mountain. But what do you expected me to have done when I saw all of our people that were kept prisoners, the same people that we set out to rescue, with guns pointed at their heads and the threats of the guards to kill all of them if I did not take the deal**?” Lexa said and she could see the surprise on the older woman’s face.

No one had known about this. When she was approached by Emerson, she believed his name to be, she was by herself. Her guards fighting more Mountain Men so not even them knew all that happened during the meeting with the man, all they knew were her orders, the reason behind it was not their place to know. All they knew was that they were told to retreat. “ **Is that what happened, Commander?** ” Indra asked her surprised and Lexa nodded.

“ **You know me better than to think I would have made a decision such as that without a good reason behind it, Indra** ,” Lexa said with a pointed glare.

“ **My apologies Commander** ,” Indra said as she lowered her head in respect for her leader.

“ **Our plan was failing miserably and all that was happening was that we were losing more and more of our people and if I had not taken the deal, we would have died. Including the sky people. I tried to save as many people as I could the only way I could, Indra. That's all I live for. To protect very every single one of my people by all means necessary and that's what I did. Even if some of my own people will not think so** ,” Lexa said to her explaining and Indra nodded at her.

“ **And what about the Sky People Commander? What about the Sky Girl?** ” Indra asked her.

“ **It is true they were not part of the deal to be released from the Mountain but the truce I made with them extended to Skaikru as well. Clarke and the rest of the Sky People outside the walls of the Mountain would be left alone. That was the deal,** ” Lexa said to her and Indra nodded now understanding things a little better than before.

“ **But you knew the sky girl would not give up. She will fight for her people if it was the last thing she did,** ” Indra said to her and Lexa nodded. Clarke was too stubborn and loyal to her people to give up on them just because Lexa retreated her help.

“ **Which is why I sent Grant back to the Mountain to see what has happened to it and to report on the Sky people after we left them** ,” Lexa said to her and Indra was curious about something, so she took the chance to ask the younger girl.

“ **Do you think they will retaliate? Wage war? Try to kill you, at least?** ” Indra asked her and Lexa sighed. She has been thinking about that all night long.

“ **I don't believe they will, but I have something in mind to make sure it doesn’t happen at all. Do not worry Indra** ,” Lexa said as she took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. “ **You know, I envy Lincoln,** ” Lexa said, and Indra knew why she said that.

“ **Because of the Sky Girl?** ” The warrior asked as Lexa nodded. She always talked to Indra and Anya about these things, they were her confident, even if they were both hardened warriors.

“ **After Costia died, after Nia killed her so brutally, I swore to not open my heart to anyone ever again. You know that. But with Clarke, I could feel that resolve crumbling each second, we spent together until I was left bare for her to see me in a way not even Costia had in the years we spent together. Yet, I betrayed her because no matter what I want, it can never come before my duty to my people and once again someone I care about pays for it** ,”

“ **Because I'm the Commander, can only be the Commander, should only be the Commander. Leaving her was not easy, Indra but I had to ensure our people's safety so don't think I made that decision lightly. If it would had been better to stay and fight, believe me I would have. If that was the case, Clarke wouldn’t hate me as she does now so trust me, no one wanted things to be different more than me, but they aren’t and we must accept it, move on from it** ,” Lexa opened up since she knew she could trust Indra with that information.

“ **But you and I both know it will not be easy for them or for us, Commander. It is never easy to move on from things like this,** ” Indra finished, and Lexa could only nod as the warrior continued, “ **I'm sorry for doubting you and calling you a coward, Commander. I will accept any punishment you deem worthy for my disrespect** ,” Indra said as sincere as possible.

She had questioned not only someone she considered a friend but also her Commander and she shouldn't have. She should have known that if the Commander made that decision, that it was the best thing for their people, the same way she knew that if Lexa let the bomb hit TonDc, she had a good strategic reason for it and she knew that reason now that she knew the truth about how things really happened and what actually led the young girl to take the deal. She should be punished for her harsh words.

“ **I will not punish you for that, Indra. Although you did question me, I can understand why you would, and I was not offended. I just hope in the future you will trust me more than you do now. But remember that although I allow you to question me, never do so in front of the others or you know I will be forced to punish you and I would like if you could spare me the trouble, my friend**.” The Commander said and Indra nodded.

“ **My apologies once more,** ” As soon as she said that, Ryder called out from outside of the tent asking permission to enter which was granted.

“ **Commander. Forgive me the intrusion but Grant has returned and brought news from the Mountain** ,” Ryder said respectfully and that perked the attention of both women.

“ **Bring him in** ,” She said, and Ryder walked outside before coming back in with Grant following him. “ **So, what have you seen?** ” Lexa asked him curious and nervous about what she would learn to be the fate of Clarke and her people as well and the Maunon.

“ **The Mountain has fallen, Commander. From what I heard, the Sky Princess destroyed them all. The Mountain Men are dead** ,” He related to her and the air seemed to leave Lexa’s lungs for a while as she stood up from her throne and came closer to the two warriors.

“ **How did she do that?** ” Indra asked Grant, not believing that a single girl could destroy their long-lasting enemy just like that.

“ **Since our air was poisonous to them so she let them breathe it in and they all died. The Skaikru has returned to their camp with their prisoners rescued and the Mountain conquered. Every single one of them killed, their leader tried to escape but apparently Lincoln killed him and joined with them Commander. He entered their camp along with his beloved,** ” Grant finished his tale, but all Lexa could think about was that if Clarke made that decision that she would be haunted by it.

Letting so many people die especially when there are children and innocent people involved weights down heavily on you and seems to suffocate you with every breath you take. Lexa would know all about it since she had been forced more times than she liked to do the same thing and make similar choices throughout her years in command. She could only imagine the pain Clarke must be feeling right now. “ **What are we going to do now Commander? What if the Sky People attack us now that they have conquered the Mountain? We should attack them before they can regroup** ,” Indra said to her, but Lexa shook her head.

“ **No, they might be stronger than we gave them credit for, but they also are not stupid to throw their people into yet another war after they just finished getting out of one. No attack will be made against the Sky People, at least not unprovoked. I have an idea that can help ensure they won’t attack us at all** ,” Lexa said as she turned to Ryder.

“ **Get me Nyko and tell him I have a special mission for him. Quickly** ,” With that she turned around and walked back towards her throne and sat back as thoughts start forming in her head on how she could save her people.


	8. Delivering Messages

Clarke had fallen asleep but she was as haunted by her demons as they haunted her in waking moments which wasn’t that surprising, given everything that she has had to do in the last month and truly everything that happened to her since her father’s death. Clarke dreamt about the Mountain Men and watching them die, dreamt of irradiating the Mountain and killing everyone inside, only for the dream to change and then, it was her people being killed in front of her and she could do nothing to stop it. Cage was drilling on her mother and she couldn’t stop him. She just watched as he killed Abby and looked at the monitor, as if challenging Clarke before selecting another person and this time, it wasn’t one of her people.  It was Lexa.

 _She watched as Cage_ _ordered the doctor to get Lexa on the table and Clarke’s heart clenched in despair as it had never done before and she quickly grabbed the radio. “Cage, don’t do this. Let her go. It’s me you want,” She said desperately and Bellamy turned to her._

_“Clarke, you can’t do that. He will kill you,” He said trying to talk her out of whatever was going on through her mind but she simply shook her head._

_“If I don’t, she dies and I can’t let that happen, Bellamy.” Clarke said watching the monitor, “She can’t die. I can’t lose her,” She said scared and as her voice broke due to the tears._

_She couldn’t let Lexa die because Cage wanted to hurt her, there is no way that Lexa can die. Not when they have to see what that kiss could lead to, not before they got to know each other, not before they had the chance to fall in love and be together. There was something about Lexa that drew Clarke to her even if she didn’t feel ready for these feelings, yet here they were overwhelming her as she watched Cage pick up the radio to speak to her._

_“Well, Clarke, you should have thought about that before you killed my father and threatened my people. I will not stop until I have taken everyone you love from you. I will kill them all and then I will kill you so you can watch their deaths and know it was all your fault,” Cage said viciously and nodded at the doctors who started drilling and she could see Lexa struggling with the pain and the tears finally made their way down her face._

_“Cage, stop it. Please, she is innocent. She did nothing wrong. I killed your father, take me instead. Please.” She begged him but he didn’t give her any attention, “I have to go there. I have to stop him.” Clarke said and moved towards the door but Bellamy stood in front of her._

_“You can’t give yourself up, especially if it is for her. I won’t let you,” He said to her and she just shook her head trying to move past him._

_“Bellamy, please, I have to save her. Let me go,” She said but he didn’t budge._

_“Clarke, I know she means something to you, I know that but this is exactly what he wants. I know you want to save her but we need to think about this and what it means for our people. We have to save them and giving yourself up is not going to accomplish that. She wouldn’t want you to die in vain,” Bellamy said as tears fell down her face._

_“I can’t stay here and do nothing. He is going to kill her, Bellamy. I have to do something. I don’t want to lose her. Let me through,” She said and he shook his head._

_“Clarke,” Monty called and she looked at the monitor and watched as Cage drilled Lexa straight in her neck and blood started splashing everywhere, his clothes, his face and the floor before he looked at the camera and at her and smirked. Clarke was numb for a few seconds after seeing that before she reacted and screamed calling for Lexa as Bellamy moved to hold her and she wrestled against him but without any strength left inside of her. She screamed at the monitors once again. Lexa was dead, she couldn’t be. Clarke yelled out for her once more…_

She woke up screaming as sat up on the bed, breathing heavily and noticing the cold sweat that was running down her face, her heart racing almost as if it was about to explode inside her chest. She had expected to have nightmares about what she had done, would be worried if she didn’t, but she had not expected her dreams to be about Lexa dying in the drilling table and so violently. She didn’t know how to feel for the girl who betrayed but she knew that she didn’t want to think of the outcome of that dream ever coming true. Lexa could not die.

There was no denying that she had feelings for Lexa. Clarke had gone through so much in the last week that she wasn’t up to pretend to herself that she doesn’t care about the brunette grounder. Clarke has serious and very strong feelings for Lexa and despite everything she suspects that the Commander returns those feelings to the max. And even though, Lexa has betrayed her and all of that, Clarke still cares about her safety and to know that the grounder commander is okay wherever she is.

Clarke got up from the bed, walked to the table she had and grabbed a tower, starting to dry herself off. She was grateful that at least she was able to have a few moments of sleep before being awakened from that nightmare, however it seemed that there was no rest for the wicked as she heard a frantic knock on her door and immediately her senses spiked up. She put the tower down and went to open it, being surprised to see Bellamy, who apparently also showered and wore new clothes standing in front of her room with a not so good expression on his face which only made her worry more.

“What is it Bell? Please, don’t tell me there is something wrong,” She asked him crossing her arms as she waited for an answer.

“There is a grounder approaching saying he has a message to deliver from the Commander.” He explained and she felt the air leave her lungs. Lexa sent a message to them? What could it be? She thought before he continued, “I thought I should come and get you, with your mother in MedBay, you and Kane are running the camp so I believed it would be important for you to hear the message,” He said to her and she nodded at him.

“You did good. Just give me a second to change and I will be right outside,” She said before she went back to put on her boots, grab her jacket and her gun and they left the room.

They came outside of Alpha Station and could see that people were scared about the new addition outside of their gates and after everything, they had all the reasons to be. The grounders could want to have their justice for the warriors they had killed during the battle against them or simply wanted her people gone from their lands. Clarke walked faster as she saw Kane, Lincoln and Octavia and the guards watching the grounder.

“What is going on here?” She asked them when she got close enough to the group who was watching the man on the horse on the other side of the gate.

“It's Nyko. He said he has a message from the Commander for us,” Kane answered her. She looked at Bellamy who had a rifle in his hands and was standing by her side, as always giving her a sense of safety, before she turned to the guards and ordered them.

“Open the gates,” The guards looked at her before they did as she asked. As the gates opened, Nyko came down from his horse and approached the camp but that action seemed to perk the guards who all raised their guns, pointing at him ready to shoot.

“Stand down. No one is shooting anybody unless I say so,” She ordered them and they retreated lowering their weapons but didn’t put down their guard wanting to be ready just in case the grounder tried anything as she moved forward to meet with him, Bellamy close by as always. She trusted that no matter what, he would always have her back. Nyko noticing the uneasiness decided to raise his hand to show that he was not here to harm any of them which Clarke appreciated. She came to stand in front of him as he looked at her.

“What do your Commander wants with us? Wasn’t enough to betray us and leave us to die in the Mountain?” She asked him coldly but the man didn’t have any reaction to what she said or her tone of voice before he spoke.

“The Commander wants to meet with Lincoln and Octavia and has asked for Marcus of the Sky People to come to our camp,” He said as Clarke and Bellamy were confused by the unusual request of the grounder.

“Why Kane? Why not me?” She asked him and he shook her head.

“That I do not know. I'm only here to relay what the Commander asked me to say,” He explained to her and she sighed. Of course, Lexa would not tell him what business she had with her people, he was simply a messenger.

“What about Lincoln and Octavia? What does she want with them?” Bellamy asked him angrily as the man simply shrugged his shoulders, indicating that he also didn’t know the answer to that question.

“She probably wants to decide what will happen to them. If they can go back to Trikru or not,” Clarke explained to him and he frowned.

“Why would they want to go back anyway? She betrayed us. They are better off without her and right here with us.” He said to her.

“We will need to talk to them and see if they want to meet her. It is their choice, after all. We can’t decide for them,” She tried to play as if they had a choice.

She turned around and along with Bellamy following, they returned back inside of the boundaries of their camp where they would be safe. “Eyes on the trees. Watch for movements,” Bellamy said to the guards who nodded and raised their weapons, looking for any grounder who would be there.

“You don't trust he came alone?” Clarke asked him and he looked at her.

“I don't trust them. Period,” He said to her and she nodded understanding where his hostility towards the grounders was coming from, before they came to stop in front of the others.

“So, what does he want?” Octavia asked them impatiently.

“Well, he says that Lexa wants to speak with the two of you and with Kane,” Clarke answered as the couple looked at each other.

They were already waiting for it. They had both disobeyed their Commander's orders of retreating, of course there would be consequences to that and they were ready to face it together. Like always. Clarke admired that between them and was happy that the war had not pulled them apart as it did with her and… No, she wouldn’t go there, not right now. She had a job to do and for that, she needed her focus and her attention to be where it was needed and as usual, it was with her people and their safety.

“Me? Why me? I am barely part of the Council,” Kane asked her and Clarke nodded at him.

“He has no idea what she wants with you and neither do I, although I have my suspicions,” Bellamy said to him and Kane nodded.

“Maybe she wants to discuss the future of both people now that the war is over.” Kane explained to them.

“If that was the case, shouldn't she want to talk with Clarke? Abby is the Chancellor but Clarke is our leader,” Bellamy said to the man and Clarke froze on the spot. She was in no way ready to see Lexa again. She would need more time before that.

“We are going with Nyko,” Lincoln and Octavia interrupted her thoughts and the conversation between the other three.

“No way. You don't know what they will do to you if you go with them to their camp,” Bellamy said to his sister.

“It's our choice Bell. We are going. Kane, are you coming too or not?” Octavia asked him before they turned to the older man who nodded.

“I will go as well.” Kane said to them.

“Then I'm going too. You will need a guard anyway,” Bellamy said but Octavia shook her head.

“Not you. You will just make more of a mess. Choose someone else.” Octavia said and Kane agreed so another guard was chosen and soon the four of them made their way to where Nyko was waiting and then they left as Bellamy and Clarke watched.

“How do you think that is going to go?” He asked her and she shook her head.

“I don’t have the slightest idea but I know Kane has her respect, he will be able to deal with her and with what she wants,” Clarke said and she meant it. She trusted Kane’s abilities to be a diplomat now despite what happened.

“I don’t know about this, Clarke. I have a bad feeling that they are in danger,” Bellamy said and Clarke looked at him.

“Of course, you do and maybe there are but like Octavia said, it’s their choice and they can handle whatever it is,” She said and he nodded before turning to her again.

“And what about you? Did you manage to sleep?” Bellamy asked her and she nodded.

“A little. Nightmares woke me up just before you knocked. What about you?” She questioned him about it and he nodded his head at her.

“Somewhat the same,” He answered.

“Have you talked to Jasper?” She asked him and he shook his head sadly at her.

“I tried but he doesn’t want to see me if I am painted in gold,” He said and she nodded. She was expecting something like this from him. Bellamy, Monty and her were responsible for his girlfriend’s death. She didn’t expect him to forgive her anytime soon.

“Will you go talk to him anytime soon?” Bellamy asked her and she shook her head at him.

“If he doesn’t want to see you, can you imagine him wanting to see me, much less talk to me? No, I will let him be for now. Forcing my presence would only make things worse and I don’t want that,” She said and he nodded knowing she was right.

“What are you going to do right now?” he asked her and she shrugged.

“I think I will go help Jackson in MedBay. I don’t think they will be coming back for some time and I won’t be able to sleep anytime soon so might as well do something to keep myself busy,” She said and he nodded.

“Yeah, I’m helping set up patrol now that all of us are back. Kane gave me the authority to do it since Byrne is gone and Sergeant Miller is with Nathan,” He said and she nodded before she turned to leave and go in the direction her mother was being treated and Bellamy went to check with the guards whose turn it was to make the rounds and how long they should do it. Clarke could not help but wonder why Lexa had not called for her. Could she not want to see Clarke? Or was it because she couldn’t face the blonde after betraying her? She didn’t know.

All she knew that the dream she had with Lexa dying had left shaken and she was fighting against it with everything she had but there was a feeling of need to see the girl to make sure that she was okay, that there was no chance in hell that the dream would be reality. She didn’t want to feel this way. She wanted to forget the girl with green eyes for good. Lexa broke her trust and she didn’t know if she would ever be able to get it back.

If she would be able to trust the girl with her people and more importantly with her heart? No, she wouldn’t. Lexa made her choice and the choice wasn’t her. She chose her people over Clarke as she said she would always do. She couldn’t fault her for that but it only meant that she needed to protect herself from the girl who she knew she would never forget, no matter what happened and how long it passed. Lexa would stay in her mind and Clarke could only sigh in defeat as she continued walking through Alpha Station.

With thousands of grounders, why did she have to fall in love with the Commander of them all?


	9. Second Intentions

After debriefing Nyko on what his mission was and after he left, Lexa excused everyone else from her tent and finally decided to take care of herself, which was something she had hoped it would help to take her mind off of whatever her mind was conjuring up that was happening to Clarke. She had not slept at all the night before, however that was not a problem even because it was not the first and probably wouldn't be the last sleepless night she will ever have. She was actually used to it, she had spent countless of nights at once without sleeping at all, it didn’t bother her anymore.

However, Lexa needed to change her clothes from her battle armor as well clean the dirt and blood off from her face as well as check on her new tattoo to make sure that it heals the way it is supposed to and doesn’t get infected so she quickly ordered for a bath to be prepared for her and as soon as it was ready, she shed her clothes until she was completely bare and slide into the tub and let the water calm her weary heart and relax her mind although that relaxed state didn’t last very long as her mind started running thoughts over everything.

Lexa first thought about her life as Commander. Sometimes, Lexa wondered how things would have been if she was not Commander, if she had not won the Conclave, if one of the others had become their leader. Would things be better? Or worst? Lexa knew the answer to that which is why she fought so hard to win her Conclave. She was always the only one except for Luna who was ever interested in bringing peace. She had always questioned why the previous Commanders had never tried to bring the clans together and when she got to power, she started formulating her own ideas on how to accomplish that.

Besides it was pointless to ask herself those questions. She was Commander, she was always meant to be Commander and things were what they were, the way they were supposed to be. She had to focus on the now but even the now was problematic for her and she didn’t know how everything would turn out. What would the Sky People do now that they have conquered the Mountain? She knew she said to Indra that they wouldn't attack but she couldn't be sure. She figured Clarke wouldn't want that but the others, she was not so sure which is why she send for Marcus Kane to come and talk to her. Why him?

Because all he knew was that the Commander had betrayed her allies, he didn't know what went on between the two young leaders only hours before. Only Clarke did. So, she trusted that he would be more practical and perhaps less hostile with her beyond that. The girl was a strong leader, one of the strongest leaders Lexa had ever met but Clarke lead with her emotions and that was something Lexa loved and admired about her but that could backfire on her plans. She needed someone that could understand that there were benefits for both sides to have peace between their people.

The fact that the Sky People had single handedly defeated her people’s biggest enemy could have two different effects. The first was to scare the other clans away from them out of fear of being their next target, that would give them some sense of protection. The second way this could go was to install fear so much that her people would be even more determinate to kill them all, until they no longer presented a threat and that she could not allow to happen because that would mean Clarke’s death and even if the blonde girl hates her for all eternity, she would always try to protect her.

Lexa, quickly finished her bath, got out of the tub, wrapped herself in a towel and went to get changed to new clothes that had been laid on bed for her to wear as she saw that her coat had been cleaned up like she asked. She kept thinking of a backup plan in case the conversation with Kane didn't work out the way she wanted it to. The first thought that crossed her mind was to destroy the Mountain, but she had no idea how. Thoughts kept going through her head over and over again and as she finished braiding her hair, she heard Indra come inside.

She trusted the general enough to give her permission to enter her tent whenever the woman felt the need to see her unless given strict orders otherwise. “ **Heda. The Sky People are here** ,” The general said as Lexa finished putting her head piece in place but left out the war paint to keep the meeting as friendly as she possibly could. She got up and turned to the older woman.

“ **Then, let's not leave our guests waiting** ,” She said and passed the woman and walked to her throne taking a sit on it as Indra came to her side and the Sky People were let inside her tent.

“Commander,” Marcus said greeting her respectfully and Lexa nodded at him.

“Marcus of the Sky People. I appreciate you coming to talk to me,” Lexa said to him and he nodded his head.

“Of course, Commander,” He said to her and she nodded at him before she started speaking.

“I heard about the return of your people from the Mountain. I am glad you managed to get them back,” She said and Octavia scoffed.

“No thanks to you,” She whispered but Lexa still heard it. The girl was brave or just plain stupid. There was no difference between the two so Lexa let it go.

“I believe it’s better if I go straight to the point of this meeting. I asked you here to discuss future relations between our people. I understand that my actions on Mount Weather have hurt your people deeply and therefore they do not trust me or my people which is understandable given the circumstances. But, believe me when I say I wish no harm against your people which is why I propose a truce,” Lexa said in her Commander’s voice but a little more gentle than usual, the one she used when dealing with potential allies who could also be potentially very dangerous enemies.

“An alliance between our people? Is that what you are proposing?” Kane asked trying to make sure he understood her point and what she wanted from them, but she shook her head.

“No. I don't believe your people would be happy to join mine in an alliance, not so soon anyway given what happened. A truce is simply that. A cease fire if you prefer. The promise that as long as your people don't attack mine, then we will leave you alone,” Lexa finished explaining to him and he nodded understanding her intentions now.

“I understand, but how could we trust you Commander? The last time we did, it didn't work out very well for my people. And although I can understand the reasons behind your decision, as you said so yourself, we were hurt deeply by it. Some more than others,” He said to her and she nodded understanding of his reluctance. She expected it.

The last part almost made her choke on the thought of how much Clarke has been hurt by her actions. She wished that she could have prevented that, the last thing she had wanted was to hurt the one person who was able to open her up for love once again. She wished that Emerson had never gotten hold of her people and threatened their lives to make her agree with his deal. She wished that she could have chosen Clarke. She wished she could have had the chance Lincoln did to be with his beloved. But she didn’t and nothing would change that.

“You have my word that as long as you don’t break the truce, I won’t break it either,” Lexa said and this time, Octavia could not hold herself from speaking.

“Yes, because we both know that your word is worth so much,” She said and Indra was about to pull her sword and teach the girl a lesson but Lexa raised her hand and stopped her.

“I have never given your people my word about sticking to the alliance if it wasn’t in the best interest for my people. Clarke didn’t ask for my word, she asked for an alliance and I said yes. An alliance can be broken at any point as it was by me last night but to answer your question, Octavia, my word is worth more than any law for I do not go back on it once is given,” Lexa explained and she meant it. She had never gone back on her word even if she wanted to which is why it was difficult for her to give it in the first place.

Octavia realized that Lexa was right. She never gave her word to the Sky People to fight with them no matter what, the alliance was to get her people out and she did so with that in mind, she decided it was best if she kept quiet and didn’t provoke the woman who was holding her future and Lincoln’s in her hands. “Look Marcus, none of us want to go to war again. We both just got our people back from the Mountain and they need our care, let's not jump into something that can easily be avoided,” Lexa took a deep breath before she continued.

“The winter is coming, and you will need your people in their best form to go through it and mine are in need to have time to get their health back as well. I believe a truce is the best course of action for both sides. At least for now. What say you?” Lexa asked him and waited as Kane seemed to think about it.

“I agree that both people deserve a break from war. The Sky People accept the cease fire. We will not attack you unless you attack us first,” He said to her and Lexa internally relaxed though she didn't show any of it.

“That is much appreciated. Thank you for understanding the situation we’re all in,” She said to him and he nodded before she turned her attention to the other two.

“Since that is solved, we should move forwards to the other part of business here. Lincoln and Octavia, step forward,” She said to them and the two did as asked.

“I called you here because you both disobeyed a direct order from me, your Commander. A treason, some would say. But in the spirits of the victory of the Mountain and your participation in it, I will give you a choice. A choice I do not usually give those who dare to defy me so do consider yourselves lucky that I am even considering this,” Lexa said firmly, and they nodded.

“I decided to give you both a third chance so your choice is that you can either return with Marcus to Camp Jaha, both of you to be ultimately recognized as part of Skaikru therefore free of any punishment that comes from your disobedience or stay here, both to be recognized as Trikru leaving behind your previous relations with other clans and face punishment for your actions as I see fit,” Lexa said surprising everyone including Indra.

“You’re saying that if we choose to, we could stay here for good? To be part of Trikru?” Octavia asked her and Lexa nodded her head.

“You will continue to be Indra’s second and Lincoln would be reinstated as a Trikru warrior.” Lexa explained before she continued, “But you have to think this through for there will be no fourth chance. If you choose to stay, you will fully make the change from Skaikru to Trikru and any previous loyalty you had to them will end in favor of your new clan and your loyalty should be for Trikru and me as your Commander. The same would happen to Lincoln if you both choose to go back. He would be exiled from Trikru and would be known as Lincoln kom Skaikru, he wouldn’t be considered one of us anymore,” Lexa said to the couple.

“So what do you decide? If you need, you can have some time to talk between you two,” Lexa said to them and the couple looked at each other as they seemed to have a silent conversation with their eyes before Octavia turned back to her and made the announcement.

“We choose to stay with Trikru and we will face any punishment you seem fit, Heda,” Octavia said respectfully as she bowed her head in respect to the Commander as Lincoln did the same.

“Octavia, are you sure? What about Bellamy?” Kane asked her and she looked at him.

“My place is with the Trikru and with Lincoln. Bellamy will understand eventually,” She said to him and he seemed to understand.

“Are you two sure of your decision? Because I warn you that there will be no more leniencies from me should you decide to disobey me again. If you defy me, you will pay with your life, no questions asked, no apologies or begging for your life. I will strike you down myself, so you better be sure you are ready to follow me and do what I say without questioning my motives or doing what you want,” Lexa explained as she looked at both and waited for their answer.

“We understand and we accept your conditions, Heda. We would be most honored to be allowed back,” Lincoln said and Lexa looked at him.

“ **Against our traditions, I have allowed you back two times, you know very well that was it anyone else of my warriors, save Indra and I would have killed them the first time around. You better not force my hand again Lincoln, no matter our past, I will kill you just as I killed Gustus so think** **through of what you will do with this last chance. I will not offer again,”** Lexa said too quickly for Octavia to understand but Lincoln certainly did, and he nodded.

“I understand, Heda. I accept your conditions. I will not betray you or our people again,” He said firmly, and she nodded at them both.

“Very well. It is decided then. You both may go back with Marcus to get all of your stuff, say your goodbyes to those you care about. I'll send two warriors to accompany you safely back to your camp, Marcus. And make sure your people follow our truce.” She said and he nodded.

“We will. Thank you for the offer, Commander. I hope relations between our people can get better in time.” He said to her and she nodded.

“I hope so as well. Have a safe trip back to your camp,” She said as he thanked her for her kindness and soon enough, all three nodded at her and left her tent.

 **“Commander. Can I ask something?”** Indra asked when they were the only ones left and Lexa nodded at her.

“ **Of course, Indra, go right ahead and ask me what you want to know** ,” She gave the woman permission to say what was on her mind.

“ **Why did you give them a chance to join Trikru after what they did? It can't just be because of their part in the defeat of the Mountain** ,” Indra said coming to stand in front of Lexa who smiled.

“ **It seems you know me too well, Indra for me to be able to fool you. Fortunately, there are not many people alive that have that capacity or else I might be in trouble** ,” Lexa said smiling at the woman and Indra nodded before Lexa took a deep breath and relaxed her stance in her throne before answering the general’s question.

“ **Though that part is true, it is not the only reason I let them return. The other reason is that Clarke cares about Bellamy and Octavia. I doubt he would let anyone attack this camp knowing his sister is here and Clarke wouldn't go against him. She cares about him** ,” Lexa explained trying to keep her jealousy at bay but Indra seemed to see it anyway.

“ **Octavia’s presence guarantees that the Skaikru will not attack us as to not hurt her in the process** ,” She said understanding and Lexa nodded, “ **That is brilliant, Commander** ,” Indra said to her and Lexa shook her head.

“ **I'm just doing the best thing for my people. We cannot risk it. The desire for revenge is powerful and the Sky People are still learning how to live down here, we should be prepared in case someone tries something. But, in regard to Octavia and Lincoln, they will be punished accordingly but I count with you to help reintegrate them into our people Indra** ,” Lexa said and the woman nodded.

“ **You can always count with me Commander** ,” Indra said to her and she truly meant it, Lexa was a leader more than worthy of her loyalty and Lexa nodded her head at the older woman.

“ **Good**. **You and I have much work ahead of us, Indra. This is just the beginning,** ” Both women looked at each other and knew that it was true. Much more was to come for them to deal with, one of those things being the Ice Nation constantly breathing down their necks, only waiting for the perfect opportunity to attack as well as Lexa’s plans for her people. They had an uphill battle until things were the way the young brunette dreamed of, but she had hope and faith that she would get to make a lot of it happen, she just couldn’t silence the part of her that wished for Clarke to be by her side helping her accomplish that.


	10. Goodbyes and Gifts

Clarke joined Jackson in MedBay, which was short on staff with her mom being one of the patients. She had also been drilled upon during the short time she was held captive by Cage, more than that she was chosen simply because she was Clarke’s mother, as payback for killing Dante, and with not many of the other doctors surviving the landing. Clarke came inside and offered her services as Jackson smiled at her, thanking her for the help before directing her to a set of patients he had figured she would like the chance to treat. One of those patients was Raven so, after checking on the others, Clarke quickly decided to go check on her friend, who was still accompanied by Wick, sitting down on a chair by the side of her bed.

“Hey, Raven. Hi Wick. It’s good to see you guys are okay,” Clarke said, and the woman looked at her and gave her a small smile.

“Hey, Princess. Thanks.  But to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?” Raven said and the engineer nodded at her.

“Wick, I need to examine Raven so if you could leave us alone for just a moment.” Clarke said and he nodded before looking at Raven, standing up from the chair and walking away. Clarke then walked around the bed to the left side of it to check on her leg.

“Level of pain from 1 to 10. And don’t bullshit me, Raven. Tell me the truth, no matter how bad it is. Trust me?” Clarke asked as she examined and Raven winced.

“I would have to say it’s a solid 8 and that is because I’m on some heavy painkillers, according to Jackson at least,” Raven said sincerely. For some reason, she felt like she could talk to Clarke and she wouldn’t pity her like everyone else.

“The drilling did a lot of damage to your leg which only worsen the situation so it is possible that you will feel more pain in it for a while but, I think that some exercises could help alleviate something of the discomfort but I think that my mom would be able to help you better with that.” Clarke said and Raven nodded.

“How are you dealing with your pain? The one inside?” Raven asked her genuinely concerned and Clarke looked at the mechanic as she sighed before sitting down on the bed.

“I don’t know.” Clarke said shrugging, “A part of me knows that I did the right thing, the only thing I could have done to save our people. Cage was not going to stop, not until he had killed all of you and I couldn’t let that happen so I made a choice and saved all of you like I set out to do.” Clarke explained and Raven listened, “But there is another part of me that cannot accept that I murdered an entire civilization, just like that. I killed children, Raven. Innocents, our allies who helped us. I killed them all. How do I move past that?” Clarke said and Raven nodded.

“Well, I don’t know what is like to have to make those decisions and what it feels like to live with the consequences the way you have to. However, I do know that you are stronger than you think, than you are feeling right now. And yes, it will suck for a long while but I know you will forgive yourself for it, eventually. As I have forgiven you for killing Finn,” Raven said, and Clarke was surprised to hear that.

“What? You forgave me? How? When? Why?” Clarke asked the girl and Raven chuckled at her reaction and nodded.

“Let me tell you, it was not easy. I mean, if we are going to talk about that, we have to bring back to the beginning. You slept with my boyfriend,” Raven said smirking and Clarke sighed.

“I know and I am very sorry for that. If I had known he had a girlfriend, I would have never let anything happen between us,” She said, and Raven nodded.

“I know, it was his fault for not telling you and for doing that to me, but what I am talking about is, he chose you. He fell in love with you and although I didn’t want to admit it, Finn was broken and that love, you were the only thing he cared about,” Raven said, and Clarke nodded.

“War, what he had done, changed him into that person who massacred that village. I didn’t know who that person was. That was not the boy who traded his rations for me, who went to the Sky Box to protect me, who arranged that meeting with the grounders to have peace between us and them, who wanted us to do better than kill each other if there was another way. That boy was gone and neither you or I wanted to accept that. You know we didn’t,” Raven said shaking her head and Clarke sighed.

“When we went to talk to Lincoln and he told us to take the deal, I told him that Finn was not that person, that cruel person who killed those 18 innocent people. But then he told me that we all have a monster inside of us and we are all responsible for it does when we let it out,” Clarke said, and Raven nodded.

“Yeah, he changed after you and the others were taken, probably even before that, and I can see now that he was not meant for how hard life is on the ground, what we need to do to survive, who we are willing to kill. Finn was not as strong as we wanted him to be,” Raven explained, and Clarke nodded.

“You weren’t there, Raven but we saw him gun those people down. He just kept shooting, like it was nothing and when he saw me, it was clear to see in his eyes that I was the only thing he cared about at that moment. He just looked at me and said he found me while the bodies were lying on the floor and the people were crying over them. I was scared of him, Raven. I never thought I would be afraid that he would hurt me but, in that moment, I was,” Clarke said as she remembered that moment when she saw what had happened.

It seemed so long ago, as if it had been a lifetime before, but it had been less than three weeks. When Bellamy told her that Finn had just shot a guy in the head and didn’t even react to it, she said it didn’t sound like Finn and it really didn’t. When she brought the guns to camp and when she brought weapons to the meeting with the grounders, Finn had been against it. He had not even killed anyone until they were attacked by that reaper and it was like something broke inside of him the moment he cracked that guy’s skull, and he changed from one end of the spectrum to another. Suddenly, he was capable of committing an atrocity.

He went from a boy that wouldn’t pick up a gun and wouldn’t like anyone to do it either to a boy who would slaughter innocent people as if they were sitting ducks and Clarke couldn’t even understand how that happened or even the pace of how it happened. The last time she saw him before the battle, he was the sweet and cute boy she had come to have feelings for and who she chose to give her virginity to and three to four days later, he was this angry and instable guy who couldn’t be trusted, who scared her. When Clarke heard the gunshots, she took off in a run but was not fast enough to get there in time to avoid the disaster altogether

She had known that her absence and abduction had taken a toll on Finn and knew that he had been desperate to trying to find her, trying to save her and that he had been willing to do anything, kill anyone who was on his way, anyone he judged was between them. Clarke couldn’t help but wonder what would have been Finn’s reaction if he had been alive to witness her falling in love with the Commander? Would he have accepted it or would his reaction have been similar to that one? Go on a rampage or try to kill Lexa? No. Clarke shook her head, she couldn’t think about Lexa right now. She focused back on her talk with Raven.

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t know how to react to it either or even when the Commander demanded that we gave him up which led me to some bad decisions,” Raven said sincerely, and Clarke nodded before looking at her.

“Raven, you do know that trying to pin the blame on Murphy so he would die in Finn’s place was really shitty, even if it was Murphy and you had every reason to hate him, don’t you?” Clarke said trying to be gentle and Raven sighed closing her eyes.

“I know and I am not excusing it, but I was desperate, Finn was the only family I had left. Even if he loved you, he was still my person, you know?” Raven said to her and Clarke nodded, “Murphy was a jackass and he left me like this, with a screwed-up leg but I shouldn’t have done what I did. I just wanted to save Finn so badly,” She said, and Clarke nodded.

“Me too but I remember that he said to me that even if we could save him, he wouldn’t be the same. That the thing he had done would haunt him. And I believe it would be true. I mean, I don’t know if he would be able to deal with what he did, not like we are trying to do now,” Clarke said to the mechanic who nodded at her.

“I also shouldn’t have told you to try to kill the Commander. It was bad enough that Finn would be killed, you would have been too if you had tried,” Raven said, Clarke shook her head.

“I understood why you asked me to do it and I can’t say the thought didn’t cross my mind, but I knew that the only way I could save him was to spare him the punishment. I am so sorry for it but there was no other way. They would have tortured him, I couldn’t let that happen,” Clarke said sincerely, and Raven nodded at her.

“Seeing what happened to Gustus, I realized why you did what you did and I thank you for it. I don’t think I could have handled seeing him all cut and bloodied like that. You gave him a peaceful death which is why I have forgiven you. You did what you could to save him, I can’t keep faulting you for that,” Raven said to her and Clarke nodded as a tear fell down on her face and she wiped it with the back on her hand.

“Yeah, I think that now, the only thing we can do for him is remember him for the person he was and not the person he became. I will remember the guy who nicknamed me princess and was insufferably annoying and you will remember the guy who helped you spacewalk illegally and was there for you when you needed him the most,” Clarke said smiling and Raven nodded smiling too as tears fell from her eyes as well.

They were silent when suddenly, someone came to join them and when they looked to see who was interrupting their talk, it was no other than Bellamy. “Hey, you guys okay?” he asked Raven and Clarke and they nodded.

“More or less. It hurts like a bitch but nothing I can’t handle. You?” Raven answered and asked him as he gave her a small encouraging smile.

“I will be and I’m glad to hear you say that. But the reason I am here is because Kane, O and Lincoln have returned and they are requesting your presence in the council room,” Bellamy said talking to Clarke who nodded.

“They returned from where?” Raven asked as Clarke turned to look back at her.

“Earlier, Nyko came here to deliver a message from the Commander that she wanted to speak with the three of them so they left with him and apparently, I can finally know what the hell she wanted with them.” Clarke explained and Raven nodded.

“Well, then, go ahead. I think I will take a very good and deserved nap. See you guys later.” Raven said closing her eyes and within a couple of seconds was sleeping.

“Is she really okay?” Bellamy asked the blonde to make sure that they would lose one more friend and Clarke nodded her head at him, smoothing the mechanic’s hair out of her face.

“She will be with our help, but as for right now, she is just on painkillers, so there is nothing to worry about,” She explained to him before she stood up and walked out of medical along with Bellamy as they made their way to the council room.

Clarke opened the door and saw Kane, Octavia and Lincoln and since she didn’t know what to expect, she was quite anxious especially because they would be talking about Lexa and she can’t help what just the mention of the other girl makes her feel. The friends came to stop by the table and Clarke looked at them. “So, what did the Commander want?” She asked and Kane sighed before turning to her.

“Well, as we anticipated, she wanted to discuss what would be the relations between our people now that our alliance had been broken and we survived the Mountain as well as what would happen next,” He said and Clarke nodded at him.

“And?” Bellamy asked curious to know what else the Commander wanted with them. He wasn’t the biggest fan of the woman and one of the many reasons why was sitting in the room.

“And she proposed a truce between our people,” Kane answered the question.

“You mean another alliance? Because if it is, I don’t care what they will do. We will refuse them,” Bellamy spoke agitatedly at the thought and Kane shook his head.

“No, not an alliance. I asked her the same question and she explained to me what she wanted. A truce is more like a cease fire. We don’t attack them, they don’t attack us. If we honor that, we will be left alone.” He said and Clarke nodded understanding why Lexa would do that.

“Did you accept it?” She asked him but she already knew the answer to that.

“Yes, I did. Our people are still recovering from everything that happened in the Mountain. We can’t throw them into another war,” Kane answered her and Clarke knew it.

“And what guarantees do we have that they will honor it? After all, from what we have seen, they don’t tend to keep their end of a deal that well,” Bellamy asked him.

“The Commander gave us her word and apparently to her people, her word is law.” Kane answered and Bellamy shook his head.

 “She said the same thing last time and look at what happened. What she did to us,” Bellamy said but Clarke was the one who shook her head and spoke.

“She never gave us her word that she would fight with us until the end, Bellamy. We were in an alliance to get each of our people out of that place as safely as possible and she got hers,” Clarke said looking at him as he looked back at her.

“You trust her? After everything she did? After everything she made us do with her decision to be a coward?” He asked, irritated that Clarke would defend the woman and the blonde sighed.

“I trust she doesn’t want to go to war, I trust that she doesn’t want any more of her people to die. I trust that she wants her people safe so yes, despite everything, I think she will honor it,” Clarke said to him and he sighed.

“Well, I don’t trust her, I don’t know if I ever will but I trust you,” Bellamy said to her and she gave him a small smile before turning back to Kane.

“Was that all?” She asked him and he nodded.

“Of what she wanted to discuss with me, yes,” He said, and she gave Kane a small smile before Bellamy turned to his sister.

“What about you? What did she want with you?” He asked her and Lincoln and Octavia took on a deep breath before she answered.

“The Commander said that given our participation in the Mountain Men’s defeat, she would be willing to overlook the fact that Lincoln and I disobeyed her orders and would give us another chance.” She said and Clarke was shocked. She wasn’t expecting that.

“Really? She offered to pardon you from your treason?” She asked curious as to why would Lexa be so lenient with Octavia when they don’t even like each other and the younger Blake nodded her head.

“Yes, she did but that was not all,” Octavia said to the blonde before looking back at her brother and preparing herself for what was coming next.

“What else is there?” he asked her. Bellamy was already suspicious of what the Commander could possibly want with his sister and now, something tells him that he won’t like the answer.

“She said that we had a choice, either join the Trikru for good or stay with the Skaikru for good.” Octavia said and Bellamy and Clarke were shocked as the younger Blake continued, “And we chose to join the Trikru. We leave today for their camp,” Octavia said, Bellamy shook his head.

“No, you can’t do that. O…” He was saying but she interrupted him.

“I know what you’re going to say, Bell but it’s my life and I don’t belong here. I never did,” She said before she moved closer to him and held his hand in her, “If I stay here, I will always be either the girl under the floor or the girl trying to be a grounder. With the Trikru, I have a place I earned. I can be free. I have to go.” She said to him and he looked at her sadly and nodded.

“You will always belong with me,” He said to her with all his sincerity and all his love and she nodded before moving to hug him as he hugged her back tightly. Clarke just watched and knew that the distance would be difficult for Bellamy, he always had Octavia by his side and now she wouldn’t be anymore. She hoped he will be okay with it.

“When do you have to leave?” He asked her once they pulled back from the hug.

“Right now. I talked to Monty and Jasper and will go say goodbye to Raven and then we will leave,” Octavia said, and he nodded. She turned to Clarke and only offered her hand and Clarke took shaking it. She had hoped to fix her friendship with Octavia, but she also knew they had a long road ahead of that but in the mean time she would take it.

“Good luck. I hope you find everything that you searched for in your life. You deserve it. I hope you and Lincoln get to be really happy,” Clarke said genuinely, and Octavia nodded.

“Take care of him for me,” She said mentioning to her brother and Clarke nodded before they let go as Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln walked out of the room leaving her alone with Kane.

She was about to leave when Kane stopped her. “Wait, I have something for you,” He said to her, and she looked at him questioningly. He grabbed a book from the table and handed it to her. She looked at it and was shocked to see which one it was.

“2001: A space odyssey, Arthur C. Clarke. My Dad’s favorite. I was named after him,” She said with a surprised but happy smile on her face before she looked up at the man.

“How did you find this? I thought there were none left,” She asked him, she would really like to keep the book to remind her of her father. Kane shook his head and smiled at her.

“I didn’t find this and here in Camp Jaha, there really are no other copy. The book is not mine or ours,” He said to her and she frowned trying to understand how he got his hands on it then.

“Then, whose book is it? Who gave this to you?” She asked him, although something deep down in her heart already told her whose book it is, and he smiled at her.

“Lexa gave it to me to give it to you. She told me it was her favorite book and that when she learned you were named after the author, she had planned to give it to you but didn’t have the chance and didn’t know if you would accept if she was the one to do it now, so she asked me to deliver it,” He said to her and she was beyond shocked. This was Lexa’s favorite book.

“I...” She started but didn’t know what to say. What do you say to that?

“We should go see Octavia off,” He said squeezing her shoulder and passing by her. She didn’t know how to react to what just happened.

All she did was open the book and on the front page was a signature. Clarke passed her hands over it and she closed her eyes and tried to even her breath. Why must Lexa torture her like this? She shook her head and headed out of the room and Alpha Station and watched Bellamy say goodbye to Octavia before the girl got up on the horse along with Lincoln and followed the two grounders who came with them as she clenched the book against her chest.

**This book belongs to,**

**Alexandria of the Woods Clan.**


	11. Hold Me

_“Bellamy said that they are already starting to take my friends from the dorm, they probably started drilling them for their bone marrow and we are still here, doing nothing but waiting. I hate this! We should be able to do something more than just sit around,” Clarke said hitting her hand against the table as Lexa watched her from her table on the other side of the tent._

_The Commander had been eating and was just relaxing, leaning back on her chair as she watched the blonde fret over the plans once again. Lexa had been in this position so many times before that she has learned how to deal with her nervousness as well as her anxiety. She knew it was no good to work herself up before a battle, it would only make her tired and slower if it came to a fight. And as she remembered that just last night, Clarke had wondered about the doors and now it was her friends, Lexa shook her head at the blonde’s antics and gave a small chuckle taking a sip of her drink as Clarke turned to her._

_“What are you laughing about? Do you think my friends dying is something funny?” Clarke asked her quite angrily and Lexa thought the blonde looked adorable, especially when she was angry. Lexa, however, didn’t say any of that out loud, she just shook her head._

_“Of course not. I could never feel joy at whatever your friends are going through inside that place Clarke. In fact, I understand very well your worry. My people are in there being drained for their blood as well. What I found funny was that you are always worrying about something. Do you ever stop worrying? Like one second of a day?” Lexa said crossing one leg on top of the other and Clarke sighed and gave her a small smile._

_“I haven’t stopped worrying about everything since the council sentenced my father to death and me to solitary because we dared to go against them, much less stop worrying since the 100 landed here. I don’t know if at this point, I am even capable of doing anything else but that,” Clarke said in a matter of fact attitude and Lexa believed her._

_The commander moved forward and pushed the other chair and motioned with her hand for Clarke to take. “Come on, join me,” She said, and Clarke looked at her before sighing and moving towards her sitting down as Lexa poured the drink and offered the cup for Clarke, trying to not to react to when their fingers touched, and she noticed the nervous look Clarke gave her. Was the blonde nervous because of her? Lexa couldn’t forget the kiss they had shared just hours ago but she would respect the blonde’s wishes for time and space._

_“Tell me something about you,” Lexa said as Clarke took a sip and looked at her curiously. Why was the older woman asking her to do that?_

_“Something about me?” Clarke asked her and Lexa nodded her head, still with a friendly smile on her face, hoping she could make the blonde feel relaxed._

_“Anything, it could be something irrelevant, a memory. Maybe it will help you relax before you get yourself worked up again,” Lexa said, and Clarke nodded and seemed to think about what she could say before she smiled._

_“Well, I was named after an author, Arthur C. Clarke. He wrote a book called 2001: a space odyssey and it was my Dad’s favorite book so when I was born, he decided to name me after the guy,” She said, and Lexa felt her heart make a jump._

_She knew what book was that. It was her favorite book ever since she first learned how to read in gonasleng, she loved that book. How ironic it was that it was connected to Clarke like this? “That is very nice,” Lexa said to her and Clarke smiled._

_“What about you? Where does the name Lexa comes from? What’s the story behind it?” Clarke asked her and Lexa smirked back at her._

_“My grandfather named me after Alexander, The Great. He believed that I would do amazing things for my people when I grew up just as Alexander did, or so my father told me. He died when I was one year old. And my name is not Lexa, it’s Alexandria,” Lexa said to her and Clarke stared at her and smiled._

_“Alexandria?” She asked testing the name and Lexa had to stop her heart once again. Hearing her full name coming from Clarke’s mouth was like a beautiful melody and she wanted to hear the girl say it again for all eternity, but that would have to wait until after the battle tomorrow._

_“Yes, Lexa is just a nickname the other kids I grew up with gave to me when I was but a young child. It was easier to say,” Lexa answered her, and Clarke nodded._

_“It’s a beautiful name and with a very meaningful reason behind. Got say your grandpa was kind of right given everything you have done for your people,” Clarke said to her and Lexa nodded her head, with a slight blush on her face._

_“Thank you and Clarke is a very beautiful name. Fits you perfectly,” She said, and she swore the blonde blushed a little before she recovered and stared at Lexa with curiosity in her eyes._

_“Now you tell me something. A happy memory. Any happy memory you can think of,” Clarke asked, and Lexa smiled trying to think of one before she made her choice._

_“When I was 9 years old, I was Anya’s second and we were in a village called Penta, a little south of TonDC and we were staying there for a month under the orders of the Commander at the time. There was a lot of attacks happening between the borders of Trikru and Azgeda, so we were there as a unit to defend the village and to push the Azgeda warriors back to their territory,” Lexa said, and she noticed Clarke paying her attention and she continued,_

_“And well one day, Anya was in a meeting with the other generals from the other units and she sent me to train with the other seconds so I went and I was the youngest and the smallest one so one of them challenged me to climb a tree that was over 3 meters high and jump down from it to the ground and land on my feet.” Lexa said and Clarke smiled._

_“You didn’t,” Clarke said, and Lexa chuckled before seriously looking at the blonde girl._

_“Of course, I did. Who do you take me for?” Lexa said as if offended for the doubt and Clarke laughed. Lexa found the sound to be as beautiful as its owner._

_“What happened then?” Clarke asked her and Lexa smiled._

_“I climbed it and when I was high enough, I prayed to the Spirit to help me and made the leap. And as promised, I landed on my feet, only that I sprained both of my ankles,” Lexa said, and Clarke shook her head._

_“You’re crazy. You know that? How could you do that? It must have been really painful,” She smiled and Lexa chuckled._

_“Oh, it was but that was not the worst part of the story,” Lexa said, and Clarke was curious and surprised about what the Commander said._

_“Is there a worst part that spraining both of your ankles?” She asked her afraid to learn the answer to that question and Lexa nodded._

_“While I was climbing the tree, one of them went and told Anya about it so naturally she came to see it and when I landed was right in front of her,” Lexa said, and Clarke laughed hard. Lexa laughed as well._

_“Oh my God. I can’t even imagine it,” Clarke said clutching her stomach. “What did she do to you?” She asked and Lexa smiled._

_“She grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and dragged me through the muddy ground all the way back to the village before she berated me up for a good half an hour. Then, she threw me all around the mud calling me stupid in any possible way and language. After she was done and I went to the healer’s tent, she stayed with me the whole night, never leaving. Later, I found out that she did all of that because she had been worried about me so in the end, it brought us closer. It’s one of the fondest memories I have of her,” Lexa said to the blonde._

_“Thank you for sharing one of your memories of her with me and I am sorry you lost her. I wish she could have survived and been here to help us,” Clarke said honestly, and Lexa nodded._

_“I had her for far longer than I thought I would, and I will have her with me until my last breath so there is no need for you to be sorry. And as for sharing it with you, I was more than glad to do it,” Lexa said, and Clarke nodded at her._

_“It did help me to relax. Made me forget what is coming tomorrow so thank you for that and sorry for annoying you with my worry,” Clarke said to her and Lexa smiled._

_“People you care about are in danger, it is only natural for you to be worried, there is no need to apologize. I wasn’t in any way annoyed by it. It was actually amusing. But when worrying is the only thing you do, it can be a hindrance and be more dangerous to them, so it is good to always take the time to relax and not worry about it. Tomorrow, your mind will be relaxed and reenergized,” Lexa said, and Clarke nodded._

_“You’re right. Thank you. Do you mind if I go lie down for a bit?” Clarke said motioning to the bed and Lexa shook her head._

_“Of course not, go right ahead. Make yourself comfortable,” She said motioning to her bed in the tent and Clarke titled her head._

_“And you? Aren’t you going to lie down?” Clarke asked and Lexa was happy the blonde was concerned for her._

_“I will lay on the floor later when I am tired. You should go to bed, we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow and you’re not used to it,” She said, and Clarke shook her head._

_“No, I can’t take your bed from you. Besides, it’s not like we haven’t shared it for the last three days,” Clarke said, and Lexa looked at her._

_“The difference is that I kissed you today and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable with my presence so close around,” Lexa said, and Clarke took a deep breath and Lexa titled her head. “Did I say something wrong?” She asked and Clarke shook her head._

_“I’m just didn’t expect you to be so casual talking about it,” Clarke said, and Lexa smiled._

_“And that is why is better if I lay down on the floor instead of laying on the bed with you. You’re more tired than I am besides I have slept in worse places than this. I will be fine,” Lexa said, and Clarke looked at her as if pondering if she was telling the truth, so Lexa let her search for her answer, and it seemed she found it as Clarke nodded at her._

_“Okay,” Clarke said as she stood up and went to the bed, getting rid of her gloves and jacket._

_Lexa watched her lie down before she turned back to her cup. She wasn’t sure why Clarke had been so surprised about how Lexa talked about their kiss. Why wouldn’t she? If she had shared so much of her feelings for the girl today, why would she retreat now that they had definitely crossed that line? Clarke already had the power to see behind the walls she built, she accepted it and with what happened earlier, Lexa decided to just let the walls stay down. She took another sip of her drink and closed her eyes titling her head back as she pondered about everything that would or could happen comes the morning._

_A few minutes went by that way before Lexa decided to go rest as well. She got rid of her coat and grabbed some furs and put them on the ground, laying down on them besides the bed. She closed her eyes to go to sleep before she heard movement and Clarke’s voice. “Lexa.” She said and the brunette opened her eyes, looked up at her and saw Clarke scoot away as she understood what the gesture meant. Clarke was inviting her to sleep on the bed. Lexa titled her head and Clarke gave her a small nod._

_Lexa stood up and moved to lay down on her back facing the ceiling of the tent. She was feeling a lot of things being so close to Clarke and she was trying very hard to stay on her side of the makeshift bed. She didn’t want Clarke to think that she would try anything with her. She wouldn’t, not unless the blonde wanted her to. One of the many qualities she always had and was always proud of it was her chivalry and with Clarke, the feeling of wanting to be respectful was extremely amplified. However, it seemed Clarke didn’t share her resolve. “Lexa,” Clarke called, and Lexa turned her head to the side to look at the girl._

_“Yes Clarke? Is anything wrong?” She asked worried and Clarke shook her head negative to that question before she took a deep breath._

_“Can I ask you for a very, extremely selfish favor?” She spoke in one breath and Lexa nodded at her. There was almost nothing in this moment that the girl wouldn’t ask her that she wouldn’t do it for her. That was how much, how deep her feelings for the blonde were becoming._

_“Of course, you can ask me anything Clarke. What do you want from me?” Lexa asked her with a smile and Clarke seemed to debate with herself before she decided to go for it._

_“Can you hold me?” She asked the brunette and Lexa could see in her eyes how much she was feeling vulnerable and anxious to be asking such a personal thing from the very woman she had kissed earlier so the only answer Lexa could come up with and the one she gave the blonde was opening her arm. Clarke understood the permission and moved forward to rest her head on Lexa’s chest, right above her heart as Clarke listened to the racing heartbeat and sighed in relief as Lexa wrapped her arm around her body pulling her closer to her._

_“I know it must be confusing, given what I said earlier, and I don’t want to make this difficult on you, that is the last thing I want, but I’m scared and I…” Clarke started but Lexa cut her off._

_“Shh,” Lexa said as her right hand went to the blonde’s face and caressed her cheek. Lexa then kissed the top of the blonde’s head as Clarke closed her eyes at the amazing feeling that the whole experience was providing for her and she took the initiative to press herself closer to the girl feeling completely safe being in Lexa’s arms. Even when she had been with Finn, she hadn’t felt like this. It was like their bodies were made to complement each other and Clarke fit perfectly against Lexa’s side and inside her arms._

_“I became Anya’s second when I was 7 years old. The youngest novitiate to be chosen as a second in the history of my people. It had never happened before. She was 10 years older than me, but she was an already respected warrior and I admired her very much, so I was very happy. She didn’t want me, of course,” Lexa said as Clarke chuckled, “She argued with the Commander that she had no need for a second, even less one like me but I insisted and, in the end, for some reason, she decided to agree and took me in,” Lexa explained._

_“She would be extremely hard on me during training, and I spent many times wondering if she hated me that much. I wouldn’t quit even if she did, but I wanted her to at least acknowledge me. She wouldn’t. Not until one day, the village we were in was attacked by a group that had been cast out and that was when I killed for the first time. One warrior was going to attack Anya from behind so I shot an arrow on his chest. Perfect shot. Right in the heart. He turned to look at me and if I close my eyes, I can see his face clearly,” Lexa said as she did it._

_“Once they were dealt with and we returned to our quarters, Anya carried me to her bed, put me down on it and laid beside me and held me through the night as I cried. She kept rubbing my back,” Lexa said doing that to Clarke, “and told me stories one after the other until I fell asleep. The next day, she treated me just as hard as she did the day before,” Lexa said before kissing Clarke’s head again._

_“Just because you need my comfort tonight doesn’t mean that anything has to change in the way you treat me tomorrow Clarke. You need time and I will give that to you. Tonight, you’re in my arms because that is what you need but tomorrow, everything will be the same. You don’t need to worry hurting my feelings or confusing me. I know exactly where we stand and I am okay with it so please, stop worrying,” Lexa said sincerely, and Clarke pulled back at little to look up to her and their faces were extremely close._

_“Thank you for being so understanding. I don’t think I know many people in your position who would have been,” Clarke whispered as she gazed at the brunette with awe and admiration in her eyes as well as other things Lexa preferred not to delve in right now. Lexa smirked at her._

_“You know that looking at me like that you are testing my self-restraint, don’t you?” She said and Clarke smiled at her._

_“Maybe,” The blonde said, and Lexa chuckled as she brought their faces closer, their lips but a breath away as they both closed their eyes._

_“You’re lucky, I have enough restraint for both of us,” Lexa said and pulled back just enough to look at Clarke. She was so overwhelmed about the feelings the blonde were stirring inside of her that she couldn’t help herself._

_“Yu laik meizen. Ai hod yu in, Clarke kom Skaikru,” Lexa said and knew that she meant every word, especially the last ones and Clarke was confused using the foreign language._

_“What does that mean?” She asked her wanting to know what Lexa just confessed to her and Lexa smiled at the curiosity she could see in the blonde’s beautiful blue eyes._

_“If I am lucky, one day I will have the chance to tell you. However, now we must try to sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day,” Lexa said and Clarke nodded readjusting herself to her previous position as she let Lexa’s heartbeat lure her to sleep and as the Commander noticed the blonde’s breathing even out, she knew the blonde leader had fallen asleep so she closed her eyes and soon enough sleep claimed her as well._


	12. Glimpse of Reasons

After Indra left her tent, Lexa decided to take some time to rest after the sleepless night she had and shrugged off her armor before throwing herself on the bed and covering her face with one arm as she sighed. She couldn’t help but remember that night and sighed. Would there ever be a chance where she would be allowed to hold the blonde in her arms? She didn’t know and didn’t dare to hope. She took the deal knowing very well, that she may lose Clarke forever. She probably already has.

Lexa had warned her guards to only disturb her if it was something of an emergency or else, she was to be left alone so she knew she would have some time before the next crisis came up and she would be required to solve it. But, in the mean time before that happens, she decided to use the time to try to get her mind to think of other things besides Clarke, but she knew that it was a pointless fight. The blonde girl from the Sky has never left her mind from the moment Lexa first saw her until now and Lexa doubted she ever would.

Truth be told, ever since Clarke came inside her tent that day and Lexa looked into those pools of blue that were held in the blonde’s eyes, Lexa had fallen in love. She knew herself well enough to know that all it took was one look and the girl standing her ground against her and she was captivated. Nobody dared to talk to her like that, not even the other leaders, not even Costia, with the exception of Nia who always bordered on the boundaries of disrespect, but Clarke stood up for herself and her people without bowing to her or disrespecting her.

Those feelings the blonde girl awakened within her something Lexa had no control over, something she had thought she had buried deep inside of her never to see the light of day again but, boy was she wrong. She just knew that even if she tried to stop her heart from ever falling for someone else again, she had lost that fight the moment Clarke entered her tent, her heart, her mind, her soul, her life. Lexa sighed taking her arm off of her face and looked up to the ceiling. She knew she wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon so she decided to take a walk around the camp to clear her mind.

She got up and redressed herself before making her way out of her tent, dismissing her guard when he tried to follow her. Ryder was a nice guard, a loyal one which was far more important for her and her safety but she wanted to be alone with her thoughts. His presence felt like it was invading her moment of thinking about the Sky leader. Every moment they spent together, every decision they made together just made Lexa fall more in love with the girl. She tried to contain it. Tried to remind herself that love was weakness and that to be Commander is to be alone but one look at the girl and she couldn't remember any of it.

When she realized that she could not turn back, that her feelings were too strong and had a strong hold over her heart, Lexa tried to keep them to herself. She could love the girl but only she would know about it. Clarke would be none the wiser about what she made Lexa feel. She really tried it, with every bit of strength she had. But it was another lost fight. It became too much so when Clarke backed her up against the table and confronted her about her feelings and what happened at TonDC, she couldn't help but to blurt it all out.

‘Not everyone. Not you.’

Lexa had confessed her feelings, unplanned and unsure of the response she would receive. She just blurted them out loud and Clarke’s eyes widen before she schooled her features again and Lexa was thankful for that. She was able to get a hold of herself again but when they disagreed and Clarke left, she tried to calm herself down and when she called Clarke back to her tent trying to downplay it as if it didn't happen, the hopeful and optimistic way Clarke spoke of what they deserved was the last straw and Lexa couldn't help but leaning in to kiss the girl.

The kiss was beyond perfect and beyond anything Lexa could explain. It was like she had been drowning in sorrow and pain for all her life and in that moment, the moment their lips touched, everything disappeared. Even if she tried, she couldn’t describe what she felt, the fear, the excitement, the desire, all feelings were there, mixed up inside of her and Lexa knew that she had never felt that way kissing anyone before, not even Costia. Clarke's lips were so soft, and Lexa wanted to kiss her so much, but she wanted to show Clarke that they were not savages, that she could be gentle. She wanted to be gentle for her.

So, she did the right thing in the moment, she slowed down her desire and simply held their lips together for a few seconds, trying to not scare the girl. And wanting to be sure that she was not taking advantage of Clarke, Lexa pulled away a little to let the other girl decided what she wanted, if she would push her away, slap her, pull her closer. Lexa wanted Clarke to know that she had the control of the situation, that Lexa would follow her lead, respectfully whatever way she wanted it to go, so when Clarke leaned in and kissed her back, Lexa was more than happy to comply with her choice, trying to ignore the flare of hope and excitement that the return of the kiss erupted in her heart.

Clarke had kissed her back even pulling her closer and Lexa thought everything was going okay, more than okay between them, that they were in the same page, that they both wanted each other, even if not sexually yet, at least the kiss meant Clarke liked her as well, that she was okay with exploring this new facet to their relationship but suddenly Clarke pulled back from the kiss and as much as Lexa wanted to keep kissing her, she would never force the girl to do anything she didn’t want and if Clarke regretted kissing her back, then Lexa would respect it. Which is why she stepped back, she didn't want to make the blonde girl uncomfortable.

When Clarke said that she wasn't ready to be with anyone, Lexa felt her heart break inside her chest into pieces. Clarke didn't feel the same way she did. Clarke didn't want to be with her. In a matter of seconds, she even questioned if the blonde had wanted to kiss her at all or she had unintentionally forced her to do it, with Clarke fearing for her life if she were to dare to reject the oh so powerful Commander. To be honest, Lexa was crushed but she wouldn't let it show since she didn’t want to make Clarke feel bad for rejecting her. She was allowed to feel whatever she felt, and Lexa had no business in making her think that she had to like her back.

But then, in the few second all those thoughts and more raced through Lexa’s mind, Clarke added the ‘Not yet’ and Lexa could feel herself become hopeful that when the war was over, when the battle was won and their people were rescued and safe, that maybe she would still have a chance with Clarke and she was happy about it but she contained it so she only gave the blonde a nod and then they were interrupted by the flare that signaled that Bellamy had disabled the acid fog and they needed to concentrate on the war.

And now, after everything that went down at the Mountain, Lexa knew that she had lost any chance she could have had with Clarke for a relationship, for even a friendship, if the girl would ever even look at her face again with anything except hate in her eyes, and she couldn't blame the girl really. Being betrayed by someone you had possibly or could possibly come to care about was one of the worst kinds of betrayal, Lexa could understand that perfectly, but she had no choice, she had to take their offer and now she was left to deal with the consequences of that decision. But how she had hoped they could have had that something.

During her walk around the camp basically letting her feet take her where they wanted, Lexa stopped at the training pits. Her warriors were training, there was a lot of pent up tension because of the non-fight with the Mountain so they were letting it all out by fighting each other, which was good for moral, for bonding and Lexa stopped to watch as she did occasionally to find out who were the best fighters, still she drew the attention of the others warriors since her presence was always somewhat surprising to them, as if they never expected her to be around them which she blamed the past Commanders for.

Sensing movement coming from the side, Lexa turned her head to see who it was and was not surprised to see Indra moving towards her, so she just waited for the general to come and join her side as they continued to watch the fighting warriors. “ **Heda. Was it wise to let Lincoln and Octavia back when they have shown that they are not loyal to you? If that is so, how can we trust them not to repeat that mistake?** ” Indra asked her and Lexa gave her attention to the general. It was a very good question and one Lexa had thought about it already.

“ **You’re right, Indra. They have been showing signs that although they want to be part of Trikru, that they are not so keen in following me and have made their choices, disobeying me therefore committing treason. And while it is very risky to have them back with that lack of loyalty, I think that between you and I, we will be able to teach that to them and get them to learn. Besides I have warned them that were this to happen again and they die as did Gustus. I mean it. I just hope they don’t make me prove it** ,” Lexa answered the older woman as best as she could without revealing too much, for whatever prying ears were around them.

“ **You care about him, don’t you Commander? Lincoln, I mean. For some reason, he is special to you. It’s not the first time you have shown him such leniency that you would not have shown others. Is the past you have with him the biggest reason why you give him so many chances despite what he has done?** ” Indra asked her softly and Lexa swallowed before nodding.

“ **I owe him my life, Indra. And yes, I'm more lenient with him than I would be with any other warrior but it's because I know him. As twisted as this may sound, I know why he betrays me, and I can't be mad at him for it. I can't be mad at him for following his heart, can I? Besides, I have to pay him back somehow** ,” She explained, and Indra understood.

“ **I can understand it, as I find myself caring for the girl as well** ,” The warrior said and Lexa turned to look at her.

“ **Why, Indra? Why her? What do you see in Octavia? The last second you have that you have shown such care for was Anya and even then, she was your second for years, not days. What makes Octavia so special to you?** ” Lexa asked truly curious, she could see that the girl had potential as a warrior, but something more had to have drawn the general in to have her care for the girl so much already.

“ **I see a girl who struggled to find herself, a girl who is small and stubborn who doesn't know what giving up means, that keeps fighting even when all the odds are against her and doesn’t even care about said odds. I see a girl that despite what people think of her, what they expect of her, she does so much more than that. I see a girl with so much strength inside of her that she has yet to discover** ,” Indra started explaining and Lexa could agree that the girl was much more than what their people judged of the Sky People but then so was Clarke. Maybe they should reevaluate what they think they know of the Skaikru.

“ **Octavia is special because she is stronger than she thinks, and she desperately wants her first to help her find that strength. Her first was the first person to truly see her for who she is and not who everyone judged her to be or knew her to be. To me, she wasn’t a girl who was hidden under the floor for 16 years. To her First, she was a warrior that needed to learn and do whatever she said, not caring of how the girl was seen or treated by the rest of the people. Sounds familiar?** ” Indra said to her with a twinkle of amusement in her eyes and Lexa chuckled at the comparison Indra was making.

“ **You think we are similar. You think Octavia and you are like Anya and me. That the same way you see her as being more than just a girl under the floor was the way Anya saw me as more than just a nightblood, a novitiate to be Commander. Is that it?** ” Lexa asked and this time Indra chuckled a little, nodding.

“ **Yes. Anya didn’t want you as her second, remember? So, you attacked her, and she gave you a good beating, but you kept coming back the next day and the next day and the next, always saying you would make her take you as her second until when Bosco asked her if she would take you because he couldn’t handle you anymore and she said yes** ,” Indra explained, and Lexa smiled at the memory.

“ **Octavia did the same thing during my time in the Sky People’s camp. She fought Fio and even when he was beating her up, she didn’t quit. It reminded me to much of seeing you do the same to Anya. Why did you do it?** ” Indra said asking her and Lexa shook her head.

“ **Because I admired her, and I wanted her to be my First. Because I wanted her to see that I was just some scrawny kid who thought too highly of herself because of the color of her blood. I wanted her to think I was more than just a nightblood. I wanted her to show me that I could be more than that. And she did. I hope she knew that the Commander I am today, I owe it to her. She taught me more about how to be a good and effective leader than Bosco ever did** ,” Lexa said truthfully, and Indra nodded understanding her words.

“ **She knew how much you cared for her and she cared for your as one would care for their little sister, I guarantee you that. Octavia is the same, I truly see no difference. She wants me to see her as more than what she was taught she was her entire life. You two are much alike** ,” Indra said to her as Lexa pondered over what the woman was saying to her.

“ **There is one difference between the two of us. I never disobeyed an order Anya gave to me and I know you told her to retreat in the Mountain as I ordered our people to do. She didn’t** ,” Lexa said to the older woman and Indra looked at her before speaking.

“ **And how many times did you defy Bosco to stand up for what you believed was right?** ” Indra asked her and Lexa looked away from her, “ **He was always harder on you than the rest because he could see that you had an inspiring and strong spirit inside of you and he desperately wanted to crush it, but you never let him** ,” Indra answered for her.

“ **But I was right to defy him. He was a vicious, cruel man and an even worst ruler for our people and I would most certainly hope that I'm not in a place where people would think I am anything like him that they would feel the need to defy me as I did with him** ,” Lexa said to the general and Indra shook her head.

“ **Of course, you are nothing like him Lexa. You are a good leader, the best leader our people has seen in a really long time and perhaps they don’t always agree with your choices, but they know you have their best interest at heart. These warriors follow you because they believe in you, not because they are scared that if they don't, you will kill their families** ,” Indra said to her before continuing with her speech,

“ **But to Octavia who was raised by the Skaikru, who doesn’t know you, hasn’t seen you beyond the things you have done in this war and against the 100, you could be seen as Bosco was for our people, which is why she defies you as you defied him back then. She doesn't understand the things you have to do, why you do them and when she doesn't agree with it, she stands her ground. Maybe, you could try to change that view that she has of you. Maybe you two could even become friends,** ” Indra suggested to her and Lexa thought about it.

“ **Perhaps. I might go see for myself if she is worth all your compliments, after all they are hard to come by these days**.” Lexa said and Indra nodded, “ **Can I ask you a very personal question, Indra? You can always not answer it?** ” Lexa said and Indra looked at her and nodded her consent. “ **Do you see in Octavia the heir you wanted Gaia to be?** ” Lexa asked gently and Indra tensed before looking ahead.

“ **When Gaia chose to follow the Order, I was very much disappointed, yes. And not comparing the two of them would be impossible and a lie if I were to say I didn’t or haven’t done it. Gaia is my daughter and Octavia my second. However, I would have to say that it will be easier for me to make Octavia into a worthy heir of maybe one day taking my place than it will be for me to hope for Gaia to give up her faith to do that so, to answer your question, yes. I probably see in Octavia a part of who I wanted Gaia to be** ,” Indra said honestly, and Lexa nodded her head at the older woman.

“ **She misses you. You know that, right? She is as hurt as you though for different reasons. She fears that by not choosing to be a warrior like you wanted her to, that she has lost you. That she has driven you too far away and that you might not even consider her your daughter anymore, that you may not love or care for her because of her choices,** ” Lexa said to her, and Indra turned to her with a more vulnerable expression.

“ **You have been talking to her?** ” Indra asked her and Lexa nodded her head.

“ **Sometimes is easier to talk to her than to it is talk to Titus, besides we grew up together, thanks to you and Anya. Her faith and my title won’t erase that. She is the only friend I have in the Order** ,” Lexa explained, and Indra nodded.

“ **She hasn’t lost me, and I have certainly not stopped loving her or caring for her. She is my daughter, no matter what path she chooses for herself** ,” The older woman said.

“ **Maybe those words should be said to her** ,” Lexa said gently, and Indra nodded before a young child came to join them, bowing to the Commander before speaking to Indra who nodded and sent the boy away. “ **I suppose he came to say that they have arrived?** ” Lexa asked her and Indra nodded. “ **Then, let's get this over with. We have matters to discuss** ,” Lexa said firmly as she turned around and walked away as well as Indra who followed her Commander. As always.


	13. New Family

Lexa and Indra walked through the camp watching their people help each other, especially the ones who had been inside the Mountain, which made Lexa very happy to see the commodore and solidarity they were showing, some time ago before she had been able to form her Coalition and make it work, she would have never imagined it possible for the clans to be working together, to see a Trikru warrior help a Shallow Valley member to walk because of an injury to the leg, or Plain Rider horseman teach the Lake people how to tame a horse. It was a beautiful sight to see that reminded her of why she continued to fight for it, for that, for them.

Her mind had been filled with those thoughts until the moment that they found Octavia and Lincoln waiting for them in front of Lexa’s tent as they waited for their punishment, without knowing even what had the young leader come up with for them, already expecting it not to be an easy one, after all, they disrespected her and committed treason. The two women came up to them who bowed their heads, Octavia more reluctantly to do so than Lincoln but Lexa decided to ignore that reluctance from the girl after all she knew Octavia wasn't loyal to her.

Yes, she had chosen the Trikru over Skaikru but that didn't mean the girl wasn't angry at Lexa for what she did at TonDC or at the Mountain. Octavia chose to come back for Lincoln, for Indra, for the promise of a new life she could have away from the judgment of people who didn’t know her or didn’t care about her to the people that could see the girl beyond what skills with a sword she possessed, not because she was the leader's biggest fan. In fact, at this point Lexa questioning that if she ever found herself in a moment of need, if Octavia would help her or simply walk away.

Not that she blames the girl for that reaction. Talking to Indra just a few moments ago, helped her understand the young girl a little bit better than she did before as well as it helped remind her of times where she defied her own Commander for what she believed to be the right thing to be done as well, so who was she to judge Octavia in that regard if that was how she felt about Lexa and her choices? However, the girl would need to trade carefully, Lexa might be okay with her resistance in following her but there are other people, those who are completely loyal to her, who will not like it at all. Octavia should be careful with her words and her actions.

“ **Commander** ,” They both said in greeting and she gave a small nod in recognition of their return and of their greeting.

“Are you prepared for what will happen to you now? As I said, by coming back here, by choosing Trikru over Skaikru, you have decided to face the punishment I selected for you. Are you sure this is what you want?” Lexa asked seriously and the couple looked at each other and nodded, they had already discussed it in the way here.

“We are ready for anything you have seen fit to punish us with, Heda,” Lincoln said in his calm voice as usual and Lexa took a good look at them before shaking her head.

“Well, you may be ready Lincoln, but Octavia is not.” Lexa said before looking at the girl, “I gave you a choice but you haven’t thought this choice through,” Lexa said to the girl.

“What do you mean by that?” Octavia asked frowning, looking between the three grounders in front of her as if they were hiding something from her.

“By choosing to join Trikru, any loyalty that is not for Trikru must be left in the past,” Lexa said to the girl and Octavia nodded her head.

“You said that before, Commander and I already accepted it.” Octavia said and Lexa looked at her, knowing the girl hasn’t still made the connection of what she was implying so she would have to be more direct on her approach.

“What about your brother? Bellamy?” Lexa said to her and Octavia frowned at the mention of her older brother.

“What about him?” She asked, not knowing what the Commander could possibly want with him and starting to fear for his life.

“If we were to find ourselves in a war with the Sky People tomorrow and were you to face your brother in battle, or If I simply ordered you to kill him for reasons I will not share with you. Will you fight and kill him for Trikru? Will you kill him to obey your Commander?” Lexa said and Octavia’s eyes were wide open. “That is the choice I am asking you to make, Octavia. It’s not between Trikru or Skaikru. It’s between me and your brother. If you chose him, you will return to the Sky People but if you chose to stay, to obey me, then you are choosing it without return. For were you to betray me for him, I will have you both killed,” Lexa said to the girl.

“So, in respect for Lincoln’s love for you and Indra’s respect of your abilities, I will give you one last chance to think this choice through before you give me your answer. You have until the afternoon to give me your answer and your fate will be decided then. I advise you to think about it very well,” Lexa said before turning to Indra. “ **I will be in my tent, when they have reached a decision, come and get me** ,” She said and the general nodded before she turned from them and entered her tent.

“Is she serious? Does she really expect me to kill my own brother for her simply because she may ask me to?” Octavia asked the other two and they nodded their heads.

“Lincoln became a traitor when he chose you over his people. If you were to become Trikru and choose your brother over us, you would be one too and she will kill you both. You and Bellamy,” Indra said before turning to Lincoln. “ **You should have warned about it instead of simply letting her choose blindly,** ” She said to him and he shook his head.

“ **I thought she knew what choosing Trikru could mean for her relationship with Bellamy, I realize my mistake now** ,” He said to the older woman and Indra nodded before leaving them to talk this amongst each other before going to do her chores.

Meanwhile, inside her tent, after the small talk with Indra and the couple, Lexa had spent the morning sending messages to clan leaders to send a representative to escort their people rescued from the Mountain back to their clans. 11 messages and 11 messengers were sent, she was tired, and she knew that her work has barely begun. She knew she had many battles to fight for her people yet, be it with swords or be it with words. She was ready, she had to be. She had a vision for her people, for their future and she would not stop moving towards that vision until her last breath.

It was late in the afternoon and Lexa was just reading the latest report when Indra entered her tent. Lexa stopped what she was doing and looked at the woman. “ **They have made their choice, Heda. They are ready for you** ,” Indra said to her, and Lexa sighed rolling the scroll and closing it again before putting it down and standing up, putting back her shoulder pad and moving towards Indra.

“ **Let’s go** **see what they have decided. Shall we?** ” She said and the woman nodded following her out of her tent and the couple was waiting for her a few steps ahead.

She came to them. “So, what is your choice?” Lexa asked and they looked at each other and held hands before they faced her again.

“We will join Trikru,” Octavia said firmly, and Lexa was surprised. She had certainly not expected it but let none of it show on her face.

“You’re sure?” She asked and they nodded, “Very well. Follow me,” She said to them and moved past the couple, hearing their steps behind her. She came to the middle of the camp. She stopped and turned to face the people who had been gathered by Indra as the general led the couple forward to stand in the middle along with her.

“ **Warriors of the Coalition, we gather here to witness the delivery of the punishment of these two warriors. Lincoln of the Woods Clan and Octavia of the Sky People. They disobeyed a direct order from me, your Commander. Usually, we would be here to kill them for the crime of high treason as our tradition states. However, we will not be killing them today** ,” She said loud and clear in their language as she looked at her people as the complaints were heard but one raise of her hands and everyone silenced to listen to her.

“ **Many of you have heard that the Mountain has fallen by the Sky People’s hand and it is true. Their technology and leader exterminated the Mountain. They are no more. No survivors are left to hunt us anymore** ,” Lexa said, and the people were shocked before they started to cheer, the fear of the Mountain was gone, finally. “ **Lincoln and Octavia helped the Sky People achieve that when we could not. So, given their contribution to the fall of the Mountain, they will be only punished before being reintegrated to the Woods Clan,”** She explained and was relieved to see that the idea was being well received and that using their participation in the Mountain went well with the people, which was exactly what she was hoping for. Good, one less problem for her to deal with.

“Lincoln kom Trikru, given that this is not the first time that you have disobeyed me, you will receive 30 lashes administered by the Chief of your Clan, Indra kom Trikru. Only then can you be welcomed back and for the last time, to be clear,” Lexa said firmly as she looked at him and they had a silent conversation without any words being needed, just their eyes. He nodded accepting his punishment since he knew that she was being merciful with it because of their history and other times he had served her well.

Given the fact that the appropriate punishment for his crimes was way worse than that, he was thankful for her. Traitors don't get second chances, much less third chances. He knew he got lucky only because of his relation to the Commander or else, he would have been killed immediately. Octavia, on the other hand wanted to protest the number, but he quickly calmed her before she said anything. If she did, Heda would be forced to harden the punishment and might have rejected her. She nodded as well.

“ **Good. Then, we can begin. Indra, is everything ready?** ” Lexa asked and the general nodded.

“ **Yes, Commander. The tree is ready and so is the whip** ,” The woman answered firmly, and Lexa nodded before she ordered.

“ **Take him to the tree** ,” She spoke and two guards grabbed his arms and pulled him to the tree. The general nodded as Lexa made her way to the center to watch the punishment being carried. Nyko helped his friend take off his upper armor and tied him to the post as Indra readied the whip and looked to Lexa for the order and it came in the form of a nod. Indra raised the whip and started it.

One by one, he barely flinched after all, he was raised as Trikru so he was used to pain and this was nothing compared to other things he had to endure during his life as a second and as a warrior. He could handle this. He even thought that the number of lasses for him would be higher than just 30 but it was Lexa’s choice and he accepted it. He was more worried for Octavia since she has never gone through his before, but he had faith in her and believed she would be strong enough to pull through it as well.

It pained Lexa to be doing this to one of the few people that she ever considered her friend, that despite everything she knew she could still consider him as such, but he needed to learn that as much as he disagreed with her decisions as her friend, that she was still his Commander and that there were consequences to his actions. That no matter her wishes to spare him, he has to and will be punished accordingly to his crime. She hoped that this was the last time he did something like this. That he would put her in the position where she would have to hurt someone she cared about yet again.

Soon, Indra was finished with him and Nyko came forth to help his brother and friend off the post and to the side as Lexa motioned for Octavia to step forward and the girl did so, repeating her boyfriend's actions of removing her armor leaving her chest bare. The Trikru barely gave it a second thought, being used to nudity. The girl moved to the tree as Lexa did the same coming to stand in front of her. She looked at the girl and could see the determination in her eyes to do this. Maybe Indra was right, and they were more alike than she had previously thought. However now, she was back to business.

“Octavia, when you came through this punishment, no longer will anyone in the Coalition consider you Skaikru anymore. You will be known to everyone as Octavia Kom Trikru, you will abide by Trikru’s laws and swear fealty to your Commander. For your punishment, you will receive 15 lashes to be delivered by the Chief of your Clan and your First, Indra kom Trikru. You may start,” Lexa said and the girl was tied up to the post and Indra carried out the punishment with Octavia resisting the pain.

Once it was done, Octavia was helped by Nyko and Lincoln as she turned to now her head to Lexa as she kneeled before the woman and recited the words Lincoln had taught her earlier. “ **I, Octavia of the Woods Clan, swear fealty to you, Lexa of the Woods Clan as my Commander until my last dying breath** ,” She said as Lincoln had instructed her, and Lexa nodded.

“ **Welcome home, Octavia of the Tree People** ,” Lexa said, and the others cheered as well. Octavia nodded standing up as she really did feel like she was at home with them, in a way that she never felt with the Sky People. Finally, she had found her place in the world as well as someone who truly loved her for who she was, someone who really saw her. Everyone was dismissed as the couple was taken to Nyko’s hut to apply some medicine on the wounds.

As for the Commander, after the whole thing was done, Lexa went back to her tent. She was really tired and not only physically, but also emotionally given all that happened since yesterday and given everything that was still to come in these next couple of days. She was about to enter her private chambers to get some rest, finally, when a voice stopped her in her tracks. “ **Alexandria** ,” She felt her blood freeze and she held her breath as she recognized that voice immediately as she slowly turned around and was faced with the intruder.

“ **Mother?** ”


	14. Of Fights and Plans

“ **Why are you so surprised, dear? Can't a mother pay a visit to her own daughter?** ” The woman said the word daughter so sarcastically that it woke Lexa from her frozen state. She quickly schooled her face to show no emotion and hardened her features as she looked at the woman standing in front of her. This was most certainly not a friendly visit. It never was. Nor was the woman in anyway, a welcomed visitor. This would most certainly end badly, Lexa knew it. It always did whenever Tessa was involved.

“ **What are you doing here, Tessa?** ” Lexa asked her with a cold and annoyed tone as she crossed her arms behind her back, straightening her posture to make herself seem bigger which only made the woman smile viciously at her. She was a snake and she always seemed to think that Lexa was the perfect prey but of course, she wasn’t.

“ **So now I'm Tessa? Is that right Alexandria? You should show some respect for your mother or do those flamekeepers teach you nothing in the capitol?** ” Tessa said ironically to her and Lexa clenched her jaw.

“ **You haven't been my mother in a very, very long time, Tessa. Besides, I don’t see why you should be called my mother when you never were one to me, anyway. You don’t love me. You don’t even like me, remember?** ” Lexa said coldly and Tessa wouldn't miss her chance.

“ **We both know why that is, don't we Alexandria?** ” She said to her and Lexa swallowed as she knew what she was referring to. It was always what Tessa talked about in these visits.

“ **Why don't you go straight to the point? What are you doing here? Don't make me ask again. I have no patient to be repeating myself, especially if it is for you,** ” Lexa said firmly.

“ **Why are you in such a hurry? We have time talk, little girl** ,” Tessa said to her and Lexa clenched her jaw but stayed the same.

“ **First of all, show some respect to your Commander. Second of all, you and I have nothing to talk about and I don't want to spend another second in your presence so if you could just say what you came here to say. We can both get rid of each other, something you always dreamed of, didn't you? Getting rid of me? Just say what you want to say and let's get this over with, shall we?** ” Lexa said to her and Tessa had a cold gaze in her eyes directed at her.

“ **Well, I couldn’t agree more. I came here in name of the delegation of Trishanakru to escort our people that were rescued from the Mountain back to our clan but as soon as I got here, I heard about what really happened in that place, so I came here to your tent to ask you one question, just one simple and harmless question. Are you not ashamed of yourself for being such a treacherous coward?** ” Tessa said with her words full of venom and Lexa hardened her jaw, it was taking too long for it to come, now here it was.

“ **I'm not a coward. I did what was best for my people. You know nothing of what you are talking about. I suggest you think carefully of your words** ,” Lexa said to her coldly.

“ **Yes, you are a coward. You have always been a coward. Only I see things have not changed. And just like you did all those years ago, this time someone else also had to pay the price for your mistakes the same way he did** ,” Tessa said taunting her and she knew it but what she was talking about was an open wound that never closed in her heart.

“ **Don't bring him into this. What happened to Kristian was an accident. It was not my fault. Stop blaming me for that, Tessa. In fact, stop talking about it** **altogether** ,” Lexa said, trying to defend herself, even though she didn’t know why she still bothered.

“ **Yes, it was your fault. At least have some dignity and own up to what you did! You killed him! If it wasn't for you, he would still be alive!** ” Tessa screamed at her and Lexa closed her eyes as she felt tears forming.

“ **Shut up** ,” She said as the woman kept screaming at her.

“ **He loved you. He loved you more than anyone else and you got him killed because you were a reckless little girl who didn’t care about anyone else but herself and her own needs. He would still be alive if you had stayed in the village like you were told to. He would still be alive if you had never been born. If he is dead, it’s because you killed him!** ” Tessa kept yelling at her and she closed her eyes trying to calm herself but to no avail. The woman’s words and loud voice was getting to her, she couldn’t take it anymore so without even thinking, Lexa just exploded.

“ **SHUT UP!** ” Lexa screamed. “ **Shut up!** ” Lexa said forcefully and the woman silenced herself. “ **You have no right to came into my camp, into my tent and say those things to me. I'm not that little girl who was once scared of you, Tessa. So, stop trying to intimidate me, you’re going to fail. Besides, nothing you say or do to me could bring him back. What happened to him was an accident and you should just accept that** ,” Lexa said to her and Tessa looked at her before she said.

“ **Do you accept that you killed your own brother? That you are the reason Kristian is dead?** ” She said with venom dripping from her every words and Lexa lost it.

“ **Get. Out**.” When Tessa made no move to leave, she yelled as she almost moved against the woman to grab her throat and see the air leave her lungs without getting it back, but she didn’t. “ **GET OUT OF MY TENT!! NOW!!** ” Lexa yelled and both Ryder and Indra came inside with their weapons drown but as Indra saw who it was, she motioned for Ryder to let her handle. He nodded, not sure of what to do.

“ **Commander**.” Indra said and Lexa just pushed past the general and left, Ryder tried to follow her, but Lexa dismissed him. She had to be alone right now, she needed to go away so she took off running into the forest.

“ **You shouldn't have come here, Tessa** ,” Indra said dangerously to the other woman.

“ **I'm not scared of you, Indra. You are just one of her many pets. Don't elude yourself thinking that she cares about you, about your life because she doesn't. That monster only brings death to those that care for her. Want my advice? Get away from her before you're next** ,” The woman said and left the tent and Indra could only look at her retreating back and worry for her Commander, knowing that it was best to leave her alone for now. Indra exited the tent and went to back to her own duties, hoping that Lexa will be okay.

At the same time in Arkadia, a group was gathered together, and they were talking about the Mountain. Jasper was sitting in a corner, not participating in the conversation the group was having because, how could he? Maya was gone. Dead. And his supposed best friends were the ones who killed her. He couldn’t accept it. He could have saved them, he could have saved everyone if they had just given him some more time to kill Cage but no. They didn’t give him more time instead they destroyed an entire civilization. How can they live with themselves?

He was lost in his thoughts when he heard Monroe talk about the Mountain and his ears peeked up on that and he started to pay attention to what she was saying about it. “It was shitty, it really was,” She said, and he scoffed in his mind, ‘you think?’ but he kept quiet. “If only the Commander had stayed, maybe things would have been different,” She said and on that he was curious. What did the Grounder leader had to do with what happened?

“What does the Commander have to do with this?” Miller asked the girl and Jasper was grateful that he wouldn’t have to voice that question himself.

“Well, we were in an alliance with the Grounders but their leader, the Commander made a deal with the Mountain Men that they would let all of her people go if she turned around and left us behind, so she took the deal and left,” She explained, and Jasper’s blood was boiling.

So, she betrayed them? That was why things turned out the way they did, why Maya died. If the Commander had stayed, maybe she would still be alive. He pushed from where he was and walked up to the group and stood close to them as they turned to look at him. “What does the Commander look like?” He asked Monroe and she shrugged.

“I don’t know. Tall, brunette, green eyes, around our age, she uses this thing in her forehead which is like a wheel as well as this big thing on her shoulder with a red sash attached to it. Mean war paint. Why you ask?” She asked him and he shook her head.

“Nothing. Thanks,” He said to her and turned around as he left them, in the direction of his room inside the station. Once he was inside, he looked under his pillow and grabbed a gun he hid under it and looked at the clip, it was full. He locked the gun and put it on his belt before leaving his room. He didn’t know how to find the Commander, but Monroe had been talking briefly about the location of the grounder camp. It had been near the Mountain, so he decided to take a chance, the only problem was getting out of the camp unnoticed, but he had an idea on how to solve that problem.

His idea was to talk to Wick to lower the electricity on the fence so he could escape. It took some convincing and a begging to be out of the camp for a while, just to breathe, using his grieve to guilt trip the guy to believe him but Wick agreed to help him knowing he was grieving for his girlfriend. Jasper thanked him and along with his help, was able to get out of camp and in the direction of the Mountain. He would make the Commander pay for betraying them and for causing Maya’s death. If he got killed or not, he didn’t care about it anymore but she would die, that he knew for sure.

Meanwhile in another part of Camp Jaha, after Clarke put the book Lexa gave to her safely in her room, she went back to MedBay to continuing helping Jackson with all the other patients before they were both finished and decided to get a break from the work, which prompted her to take a moment to go to where her mother's bed was placed. The older woman smiled when she saw her coming and Clarke managed a small smile back before pulling out a chair to seat besides the bed as she took her mother's hand in hers and held it tightly.

“Hey Mom, how are you feeling?” Clarke asked her and Abby smiled at her.

“It hurts a little but I'm much better now, thank you sweetie. Jackson already gave me something for the pain so don't worry about me. I'll be good as new very soon. What about you? How are you feeling sweetheart?” Abby asked her and Clarke sighed before lowering her eyes to their joined hands and caressing her mom’s hands with her own trying to ground herself to this moment and not the one who keeps replaying inside her head.

“I'm not sure how I'm feeling about anything by this point, Mom,” Clarke said truthfully as emotions started to flood in. “A part of me knows that I did what I had to do to save our people, that I had no choice but there's another part of me that can't accept that I had to kill them all to do it. But how was I supposed to stop Cage? He was going to kill you because I killed his father. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't lose you too,” Clarke said as tears started falling down on her face.

“Oh sweetie.” Abby squeezed her hand, “Come here,” Abby, despite the pain, scooted over to make space for her daughter.

Clarke lifted her head and wasted no time before going into her mother's arms and silently cried as Abby caressed her hair in a soothing way that she hadn’t done in quite some time, since Clarke got too big to need it. “I know you are hurting and that's understandable. What you had to do… it shouldn't have had to be your decision but unfortunately it was and it's going to hurt for a while, hurt a lot but you are the strongest person I know. You will get through this,” Abby said to her.

“It doesn't feel like it. It feels like it is going to crush me under the weight of all those deaths,” Clarke said to her and Abby sighed.

“That's because you have such a huge heart and you always want to help everyone and take care of everyone, always at a price for yourself but there are some things you can't fix and that’s okay. I would love to be able to save all the patients that come to me for help but sometimes I have to admit to them and myself that I can't and that it is not my fault. It's just the way it is,” Abby explained to her daughter as she continued,

“I know you wanted to be able to save the innocents that were inside Mount Weather, but you couldn't. Not in the situation you were in. You did the best you could, Clarke. That's what you need to focus on.” Abby said as she planted a kiss on her daughter's head.

“Dad would be ashamed of me,” Clarke said as she finally broke into sobs. Abby’s heart broke seeing the pain her baby girl was going through.

“Of course not, honey. Of course not,” Abby tried to console her. “Your dad would be proud of the woman you’ve become,” Abby said and Clarke looked up.

“I've killed people.” Clarke said and Abby nodded wiping her tears.

“Yes, you had but you did it to save everyone. And you know what? We are not saints, honey, we make mistakes, we try to fix them, sometimes we can, other times we cannot. And sometimes we make bad choices but that doesn't necessarily mean we are bad people. It just means we're trying to survive. Your father would understand that you killed those people not because you wanted them dead but because you were a good leader and tried to keep your people safe from harm,” Abby explained, and Clarke could only let the tears fall down.

“Do you really think Dad wouldn't be disappointed in me?” Clarke asked a little unsure to believe it but also a little hopeful.

“Of course, he wouldn't. Neither am I. I'm very proud you are my daughter and I love you so much, no matter what and your Dad loved you just as much,” Abby said and planted a kiss on her forehead. “I know that I fought you for the leadership role, but it was only because I wanted to protect you from exactly these things. You're so young, you shouldn’t be put in a position so difficult like this, but I realized that I put you in that position the moment I send you and the 100 down here. I knew deep down that you would take care of them. I just didn't expect Earth to be so…” Abby trailed off.

“So ruthless?” Clarke asked trying to finish her sentence and the woman nodded.

“Yes. I thought there only thing we would have to worry was if Earth was survivable or not. If we would be able to adapt down here after so many years up in space. I never thought there were people down here and that we would have to fight so much just to keep ourselves alive.” Abby explained what her expectations had been for this place.

“Earth is really different from what we thought it would be but there is also beauty to it. We just didn't have the time to explore and see it. All we have seen is death and destruction that we are losing hope to see everything else. I'm losing hope,” Clarke said to her.

“You can't lose hope Clarke. You are the strongest person I know. You inspire me to keep fighting honey,” Abby said as they stayed quiet before Clarke looked up at her mother and decided to be honest.

“I was so mad at you because of what happened to Dad. I didn't want to believe that you had anything to do with it so I blamed Wells and he let me but then I found out the truth and took my wristband off so you could feel the pain I felt and that you would think I was dead. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me,” Clarke confessed, and Abby felt her own tears start to form.

“But then when I saw your ship fall and crash, I…I thought you were dead, and I had lost you forever and I had hurt you in on purpose and I'm so sorry for it.” Clarke barely got it out given the sobs that wanted to make their way out of her lips, but she settled into crying on her mother's neck as Abby held her tighter trying to console her as best as she could.

“I’m not dead, honey. I'm right here with you. It's okay, it will be okay,” Abby said squeezing her. “I’m so sorry about your father. I never wanted for him to get hurt. I just thought Jaha would convince him to stop. I loved your father so much, the last thing I wanted was to lose him or be the reason why you lost him. I trusted Thelonious to act as his best friend, not as the Chancellor. I shouldn’t have,” Abby also found it hard to speak.

“I know and I'm sorry too. For everything,” Clarke said and hugged her mother tighter. They stayed like that until the pain was too much and Abby had to rest. Clarke gave her mother a kiss on the forehead before she left. She went to see Raven, but she was still sedated so Clarke decided to come back to check on the mechanic some other time. Clarke walked out and took a good look at the people sitting around, catching up with their loved ones and friends they thought they had lost before Bellamy came to her side.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked concerned about her puffy red eyes.

“I think so. I was just talking to my mom about some things that we needed to talk about. I'm feeling a little bit better,” She said turning to look at him. “What about you? Everything okay with security?” She asked and he sighed.

“I explained to them the truce and they weren't exactly happy about it and to be honest I'm not either. We can't trust the grounders, Clarke,” Bellamy said worriedly.

“I know you are not happy Bellamy, but we need this truce. We can't be constantly fighting a war. The people can't take it and I can't either. I need a break from keeping everyone alive,” She admitted to him and he nodded understanding where she was coming from.

“Well, apart from that everything is okay. At least for now. Tomorrow is a brand-new day. Anything can happen,” He said to her as she nodded and they looked ahead, both lost in thought before they heard a yell.

“Guys!” Clarke jumped in fright as well as Bellamy did as they turned to see Monty running towards them.

“Monty, what happened?” Bellamy asked the panting boy.

“It's Jasper.” He said still trying to breathe properly.

“What's wrong with Jasper?” Clarke asked worriedly.

“He left camp and took a gun with him. I think he is planning to kill the Commander,” He said to them and Clarke could feel her entire body freeze.

“No.” She whispered to herself. Not Lexa. God, no.


	15. Memory, Memory

_Alexandria was 3 years old and she was walking and running through the forest that was around her village in the Woods Clan’s territory. The village was near TonDC but not quite as big, it was also not small, just the perfect size for the residents. Her father was the chief of the village so because of that they had the best house, but it also meant he didn’t have much time to spend with her since he had to work a lot, given how bad the Commander treated the people. It was her father that would find a way to feed everyone of their village and to protect everyone and she admired him a lot for that._

_Her mother, on the other hand, had just left to visit a friend who had just given birth in a village nearby and wouldn't be back till the next day so Alexandria could finally relax and play as much as she liked it without her mother telling her what to do all the time or yelling at her for no reason at all. The woman scared her a lot and she didn't like to be around her so every time she went out, Alexandria was happier than she was when her mother was around. She wished that her mother would just leave. She was not a good person, the little girl knew that already._

_Just thinking about the woman made her shiver. She wished her father would take them away from her. They could be happy together, just the three of them. She loved her father so much, he was always good to her and would make her laugh, he was the best dad in the world but whenever they were together, her mother would always interrupt to take him away, sending her to her room every time. The thought of her mother got her to trip down but before she fell to the ground, she was picked up. She looked up at who had saved her and smiled. “ **Kristian** ,” She said, and he smiled right back at her._

_“ **You have to be careful, Lexie. If you don’t pay attention where you are stepping, you could get really hurt”** Her older brother, Kristian said before he smiled and started to carry her. _

_“ **You never let me get hut, right Kris?** ” She asked him as she wrapped her arms around his neck, and he nodded smiling. _

_“ **That's right. You will always be safe with me. But you could help me do that, you know? Keep you safe? Besides, you said you wanted to be a warrior like me and Dad, didn't you?”** He asked her and she nodded eagerly. _

_“ **I will be the best warrior our clan sees it** ,” She said confidently, and he laughed._

_“ **I'm sure you will, little monkey but for that to be true, first you need to learn to walk through the woods in silence. A Trikru Gona must run true. The forest is our home, Lexie. Our kingdom. No other warrior can walk these woods like a Trikru can. We must know it by heart and become one with the forest. We can't be clumsy like you were back then,** ” He said to her as he poked her side making her giggle as she squirmed in his arms trying to get away from the tickling he was doing to her, he stopped before she could do something and get hurt._

_“ **I wike lunning** ,” She said to him and he nodded. _

_“ **I know, which is why you have to learn how to run without making a sound. Don't worry, I will teach you and you will be the best runner our village has,”** He said as he put her down and explained to her how to step without making a sound. She had trouble at the early tries, but she was a quick learner. She picked up on what he said, and she was making less sound by each step. “ **Good, Lexie. You're the best. The Mountain Men should watch out for you** ,” He said cheering on her._

_She smiled and ran to him making almost no sound at all before she jumped, and he caught her as he swirled her around and they laughed for a good while. “ **Let's go get some water. Dad said when we exercise, we must drink a lot of water to keep us healthy** ,” He said to her who nodded as they walked towards a little river to drink some water but as soon as she was finished, Lexie started to splash him. He looked at her. “ **You are so done, Lexie,** ” He said to her and they started playing around, Kristian always making sure that it was safe for her._

_He loved his little sister so much, she was the most important person in the world for him. He had always wanted to be a big brother, he was so happy when his Dad came home from a trip and had this small baby in his arms telling Kristian that she was his new sister. He was 9 years old and was so happy. He didn’t understand why his mother was so angry, the baby was so cute. He remembered that his Dad had given him the baby to hold while he pulled his mom away to their room to talk. Their voices were loud, and the baby was getting fussy because of it so Kristian didn’t think twice before he left their house with her in his arms and stayed outside._

_She was so beautiful and so small. When she opened her eyes and looked at him, he was done for. He loved her so much already, it was like he could feel that she was meant to be his sister. She looked as if she was analyzing him, judging to see if he was worthy of being her brother or at least that’s what it felt like for him, so he held his breath waiting for her to pass her judgment because he already considered her his sister. He waited and waited before she made her choice and gave him a big smile. His smile was even bigger after that._

_He played with her for a while and from that moment on, he promised himself that he would be the best big brother in the world and that he would protect her from anything or anyone that would try to hurt her, and he did. For some reason, his mom never quite took to the baby the way he and his father did. His Dad told him that her name was Alexandria a beautiful name he had thought. He called her Lexie. His mother would avoid holding her and every time she tried Lexie would start crying and she would put her away so he would take care of her._

_He was the one who would change her diapers, give her a bath, change her clothes, and give her food. He would do everything for her. That was the way it had been from day one. He wasn’t a fool. He knew that Lexie was not his mother’s daughter and he imagined that was why she didn’t like her so one day he asked his father if Lexie was his daughter with another woman. It wasn’t quite normal in their culture to have another kid out of your bond and his father simply shook his head at his question. He told him he never bedded another woman that was not his mother, but that Lexie was family and Kristian felt she was, so he never asked his father anything about her other family._

_To him, since the moment she was put in his arms, she was his sister through and through. No blood could ever change that. It was to come to his arms that she took her first steps, it was for him she called in her first words, it was his smile that she sought after when she would stumble to the ground. It was his approval that she wanted when she accomplished something. It was him who made her feel the safest during a storm. He was the one she went to for anything she needed. He was her person and she was everything to him._

_Then, after playing for a while, they got tired, so he picked her up from the water and walked up to their secret place. It was a cliff they found when walking around in the forest a few months ago. Kristian sat on a rock and pulled her to sit on his lap with his arms locked around her so she wouldn’t accidentally fall as they looked out at the beautiful horizon that was painting the sky right in front of them. Whenever they could, they would always come here. “ **I'm going to become a second to Gustus,** **Lexie** ,” He said to her and she turned to look at him. _

_“ **Leally? He so big and scawy** ,” She said to him and he laughed._

_“ **Yes, he is but he was looking for a second and Father told him that I wanted to become a warrior, so he asked me if I wanted to and I said yes. I start training tomorrow. And then I will become an amazing warrior and one day, I will move to Polis to become one of the Commander’s guards** ,” He said dreaming about his future. _

_“ **You leave Lexie**?” She asked him with her voice trembling, she couldn't imagine not having her brother around. He squeezed her closer to him, kissing her cheek and smiling at her. _

_“ **Of course not. I will take you with me and we are going to discover Polis together, just you and I. And when you are taken to train with the other nightbloods, I will be right there with you to help you become the amazing warrior I know you can be. Won't it be amazing? The two of us living in the capitol. With a house for ourselves in the big city. Playing around with the merchants, going to school, learning everything we can** ,” He said to her and she smiled at him._

_“ **You best big brother ever, Kris. I love you** ,” Lexa said to him and kissed his cheek, she really was very lucky to have him. He smiled at her, she was so cute. _

_“ **You're the best little sister too Lexa. I love you very much** ,” He said to her and kissed her cheek and tickled her as she laughed before he stopped, and she looked up to him with those big green eyes and he smiled. _

_“ **Kris, you never leave me, right**?” She asked and he looked at her._

_“ **Nothing will ever keep us apart. We will always be siblings. You and me together forever. I promise,** ” He said seriously and kissed the top of her head. “ **You and me together forever,** ” She repeated nesting herself in his arms before they returned their attention to the view in front of them, happy to just be together like that. _

_“ **Mom back tomorrow. Why she hate me Kris? What I do?** ” She asked him and he took a deep breath before speaking carefully, not to hurt her or tell her what he knew. She was still too young._

_“ **You have done nothing wrong, baby girl. Mom is just complicated. She is not a very happy woman** ,” He said to her and it was true. His mother was not an easy person but he did love her._

_“ **She is with you. Even Dad and I in the room, she only smiley for you** ,” She said to him and he silently reminded himself of how smart and observant she was for a 3-year-old child. _

_“ **That is because she knows I will be leaving to train, so she wants to treat me the best, it has nothing to do with you, okay?** ” He said trying to convince her and she nodded at him._

_“ **Have you ever met Uncle Michael?** ” She asked him and he looked at her in curiosity. _

_“ **How do you know about Uncle Michael?** ” He asked her surprised, it wasn’t like their dad talked about his brother in any way and she shrugged. _

_“ **I hear Dad talk to Grandma, but I not ask him** ,” She said and he nodded. _

_“ **You did good not asking him. Uncle Michael is a sore topic for Dad. He was, is, Dad’s younger brother. I believe he is 20 years old. He is part of our clan, but he travels around the clans a lot. He and Dad had a huge fight when I was about 7 years old and they haven’t spoken to each other ever since** ,” He explained to her and she nodded. _

_“ **I hope they be better soon, like me and you** ,” She said, and Kristian nodded._

_“ **Yeah but I would be so sure. Dad tried to contact him a few years ago but Uncle Michael told him never to speak to him again and now Dad doesn’t even know where Michael is or how to find him and he isn’t sure he even wants to. Maybe things are better the way they are**.” Kristian said and Lexa shook her head. _

_“ **I don’t know. I don’t wike not speaking to you again** ,” She said to him and he chuckled. _

_“ **That is not going to happen to us, Lexie. We will never be away from each other like that,** ” He said to her, he really meant it, and she nodded._

_“ **Dad really sad talking bout him. He misses his brother. Do you think Uncle Michael miss Dad too?** ” She asked and Kristian shrugged. _

_“ **I don’t know. Uncle Michael, from what I hear from Dad and Grandma, was a wild spirit. He is young and I think he was not ready to settle down to the responsibilities that Dad wanted him to take on which I can understand. He was only 16 at the time and I guess he wanted to explore the world we live in before doing that and Dad was angry that Uncle Michael was leaving everything for him to take care of even if he was just 16. I mean Dad was only 5 years older than him anyway. It was not like he was that much older** ,” Kristian explained as best as he could, and Lexa nodded._

_“ **Well, now enough about Dad and Uncle Michael. We need to get back home. Dad will be finishing his meeting soon and since Mom is gone for another day, dinner is on us so my tiny but hard working, helper, should we go and get started on some stew?** ” He asked her and Lexa nodded. _

_“ **Yes!!!** ” She said throwing her arms in the air and he chuckled. _

_“ **Okay, let’s go** ,” He said to her and she looked at him. _

_“ **Kris. Tower**. **Pwease,** ” She said, practically begging him and he smiled at her before nodding. _

_“ **Okay, Tower it is** ,” He said, never being able to deny her anything she asked of him and pulled her up and sat her down on his shoulder as she held onto him._

_“ **Ready now?** ” He said holding her legs and she laughed. _

_“ **Yes, let’s go,** ” She said, and he smiled, starting on their way back home, passing by the villagers who smiled at them. When they got home, they started cooking just before their father came home and went to help them. They kept joking around and laughing, having an amazing time together. Lexa hoped it would always be like this, but she knew in two days, this happiness would be gone with her presence so she enjoyed her family as much as she could._


	16. Kill or Save

After she had dismissed Ryder before he tried to follow her, she took off in a run. It's been such a long time since she was able to just run through the forest, feel the ground beneath her feet, the wind blowing on her face, the sound of the leaves as she passed it through. She used to love doing it, before and during the time when she was Anya’s second and had a little more freedom to do as she pleased when the warrior would give her a break from all the training she would put Lexa through. She needed so badly now that she couldn't care about anything else except getting as far away from that woman as humanly possible.

They didn't meet. Ever. Anya and Gustus would always make sure to stop the woman from getting close to her and when they couldn’t, they were always there for her after the encounter because they both knew exactly what Tessa’s intentions were when she said she wanted to see Lexa and what she would do and say if she got the chance. The same thing that happened a few moments ago. She would attack Lexa where she knew it would do the most damage. Not even Nia could get to Lexa the way Tessa did. But they weren't here anymore. There was no one to stop the accusations and guilty trips.

And in this moment, she missed them more than she dared to admit. They had been her family for longer than her real family and she had lost them both just like that, within two days, she found herself without two of the few people she could say she ever truly cared about and that in return cared about her, Lexa, not just the Commander. She missed Anya and Gustus, and she knew there was nothing she could do to bring them back and it killed her that they had been taken from her as well, both because of stupidity of others and of themselves.

Lexa wasn't lying when she said the woman had stopped being her mother a long time ago. She was actually downplaying the situation. Tessa was never a mother to her, she wasn't always as cruel as she is now, but she never loved or cared for Lexa at all, even when she was only a child. Tessa never even liked her. Tessa was always jealous because of how Lexa’s father and brother always preferred to stay with Lexa instead of her and she hated Lexa for it. She didn't deserve for Lexa to ever call her a mother. She was a monster.

She was heartless, she didn't care about anyone except for herself, she always wants to hurt people at any chance she can get, torture them with the lowest of weapons. She was one of the worst people Lexa had ever met in her life, which was saying a lot and no matter how much venom there were in the woman’s words, she tried not to care about the things the woman said, tried to raise herself above it and most times, she was able to do it but today was not one of those days. Today, she couldn't because Tessa knew how to hurt and destabilize her with just one word. One precious word. A name.

A name that had once meant everything to her and that still meant the same. A name that had represent everything good she had in her life. A name that represented her savior, her protector, her best friend, her partner in crime, her playmate, her teacher, her brother, her entire world, her person. A name that represented the one person she knew she could trust herself with, the one person who she was never afraid would hurt her. The one person who cared about her more than anything, who stood by her no matter what, the one person she had hoped she would never have to lose but the first person that she lost.

Lexa came into a little river there was near the camp site they had chosen, where she stopped to catch her breath. She was panting from the run, sweating and there were tears falling from her face. She usually had such a good grip on her emotions, she was always able to control herself and never felt as out of balance as she was feeling now. She was feeling a mess inside and out and she didn’t know who she really blamed for that. If it was for that evil woman and her poisonous word or for the guilt that Lexa carried deep in her heart and in her soul for something that had been out of her control which had horrible consequences.

She crunched down by the side of the river as she watched the water flowing and tried to calm herself down by focusing on the little waves that made the water tremble a little, and her heart tried to slow it down from the rapid beating pace it had taken, as she let her thoughts wander and she closed her eyes, trying to calm her breathing and steady her heart when the memory pulled her away from that place and time, taking her back to a time where she had been truly happy. A time when her brother, her hero was still alive and by her side as he had promised her he would always be.

“ **You broke your promise. You left me** ,” Lexa said with her eyes still closed and tears falling down on her face when suddenly she felt something press against her neck and she recognized what it was. A gun. She stilled not wanting to provoke whoever it was.

“ **Don't move or I'll shoot you** ,” Lexa tried to maintain her calm, although she mentally cursed herself for being so reckless as to let her guard down like this. Someone of her position with the enemies she has, lurking around at every corner waiting for one tiny chance to take her down, she can never let her guard down like this because if she does, it can mean her death. Judging by the choice of weapon, this was a Sky person seeking revenge for the deal she took. As she had expected, there would always be one who would try to do something like this.

However, by the shaking of the gun that she could feel against her neck, she knew that it was someone who was being ruled by his emotions or that didn’t have much contact with the weapons before and therefore, didn’t quite know how to manage it be it for one of those two reasons. Either way, it would be too risky to take action because they could shoot her before she could do anything so she came up with another idea, a crazy one but perhaps it would work. If this was a Sky person, then maybe he could be reasoned with, after all the Sky People were so fond of talking. She decided to try. She had no other choice at the moment.

“Can I at least know the name of the person who wishes to kill me?” She asked whoever it was and felt the gun pressed a little further into her neck, but the answer came anyway.

“Jasper,” He said in a low quivering voice and Lexa wrecked her brain trying to remember if she knew who he was and she did.

“Jasper. I know you. Clarke has told me about you and you other friend, Monty, isn't it?” She said trying to keep her tone gentle as to not spook him.

“I don't care about what Clarke told you. I will kill you and she will be next,” He said angrily at hearing the other two people he blamed for the pain he was feeling inside his heart.

Lexa felt her body freeze. He wanted them both dead and Lexa could not allow that to happen under any circumstance. She wouldn't allow any harm to come to Clarke for as long as she had a say in it and sky person or not, she would end his life before he could even try to harm a hair in Clarke’s head. The only problem was that she knew that he was someone Clarke cared about deeply, she had been worried for him and the others, telling Lexa about how she had saved him after he was speared and everything, so Lexa knew she needed to be careful.

Besides, something told her and she felt, deep down by the tone of his voice, that she could reach out to him so before taking more drastic measures, she decided to keep trying this way for now. “Okay, Jasper. Can I know the reason why you would want both of us dead? What have Clarke and I done to warrant your anger and desire for vengeance?” She asked him and felt the gun lose its pressure a little before being enforced against her neck one more time.

“You are the reason my girlfriend is dead,” He said to her and although Lexa was not familiar with this word he used, girlfriend, she believed she understood what it meant. The girl he was with romantically. That could be problematic.

“Okay, Jasper, tell me who was your girlfriend?” She asked him calmly, trying to maintain a civil conversation with him and for the fact that he has yet to shoot her means that her plan may be actually working, she could only hope it would.

“Maya. Maya Vie. She lived in Mount Weather but she wasn't like the rest. She was good. She was helping us. But Clarke killed her, like she meant nothing,” He said with his voice trembling and this was bad, but she tried to keep her calm.

“I am sorry for your loss, Jasper. Do you mind if I turn around? I won't try anything. I just think I owe it to you to look you in the eyes,” She said to him and waited for his answer, though it didn't come verbally, she understood his silence for an yes so she slowly turned around and faced him. He was a young skinny man, with eyes red and puffy, most likely from crying.

“I'm sure your girlfriend Maya was a good person and I know she will be missed by many, you most of all but I need you to understand that what happened to her wasn't my fault or Clarke’s,” She said slowly and as gently as she could, he shook his head angrily.

“Yes, it was! If you hadn't betrayed us, she could have been alive and Clarke didn't even give us a chance to try to save them, she just killed her, killed all of them. She is a heartless monster and you are a traitor,” He said angrily as tears fell down on his face.

“Jasper, you were one of the first hundreds of your people to come down on the ground weren't you?” She asked him and he nodded at her. “Then, you know Clarke for longer than I have,” She said and he also nodded to that, before she continued, “So let me ask you this, moving past all the pain and heartbreak you are feeling right now, do you really think, do you really believe that if there was any other solution that Clarke wouldn't have chosen it over killing everyone in that Mountain?” Lexa asked before continuing.

“Do you really believe that me and my people wanted to spare the people that for years have used us as blood bags and has turned us into monsters? No, we didn't. I didn't. But Clarke convinced me that there were innocent people inside that place, people that had refused to be a part of the cruelty others were inflicting on my people, that we had to spare them and so I agreed. So, do you really think that someone who tried so hard to save them, would have done what she did if there was any other way?” Lexa explained to him and she could see that he was thinking about what she was saying.

“But I was going to kill him and it would all be over and everyone would be safe. If she had just waited for me, I could have stopped it all. I know I could have. I could have saved Maya, without having to commit mass murder,” He said to her and she nodded at him.

“Perhaps, but as leaders, sometimes we are not allowed the luxury of waiting, Jasper. Sometimes we are faced with a situation that we must make a decision right at the moment and hope that it is the right one for our people and that's what happened. I guarantee you Jasper, if Clarke could have waited for you, if she could have saved everyone, have no doubts she would have done it,” She said to him and he took a moment to think about her words.

She was hoping that arguing these points she would be able to show him a different perspective of the problem and that it would help him give up this notion to kill her but, especially to kill Clarke. She had hope that she wouldn't have to kill someone that Clarke cared about. The blonde girl already hated her for everything Lexa has done to her over the time in which they have known each other already, for having a hand in killing the boy she loved, for almost torturing her friend for a crime she had no comitted, for letting the bomb drop in TonDC, for betraying her at the Mountain.

If she was to kill this boy, which she knew now that she was able to face him, that she could do it in a second, if that were to happen, Clarke might just be the one to come and try to kill her instead, and there would be no talking her way out of that one. Besides, Lexa didn't want to hurt her again. Not after the Mountain. She needed to get through to Jasper by talking him out of this madness or else things would go very bad for everyone involved in this mess and she didn’t want that. She hoped he could see reason. Hope was all she could cling to right now.

“Why are you defending her and not yourself? Why are you trying to explain her actions to me and not your own?” He asked her confusedly after some time and she sighed.

“Because I'm not your friend, Jasper. I didn't know you, what you looked like or anything until you put the gun against my head a couple of minutes ago. I don't mind your anger or your hate, they don’t bother me. I don’t care about it, but Clarke does. She does care because she cares about you and she needs you even if she can't admit it sometimes. Your words and your actions will hurt her more than any of these bullets ever could,” Lexa said to him honestly.

“You don't understand. Maya is dead because of her, because of both of you.” He said as he clenched his jaw in pain as he remembered his girlfriend’s death and she shook her head.

“No, Jasper. Maya is dead because of her leaders, because of what they did. I don't know Clarke for as long as you have but I bet she gave them a chance to do the right thing, didn't she?” Lexa asked him and he seemed surprised.

“How do you know that?” He asked her truly curious how she knew that if she had not been there to see it and she sighed at him giving him a small smile.

“Because that's who she is, Jasper. That’s Clarke. She is always trying to find a way to save everyone, to avoid as many deaths as possible so I know she must have given them a choice, a choice that they must have refused, which forced her into the situation that led to your Maya’s death so think about it for a second,” She said before she continued, “If they had taken the chance she offered, even with my betrayal, would your girlfriend have died?” She asked him and waited for him to think about it.

“No, I don’t think so.” He said lowly as he looked at her, as if he had never stopped to even think about that possibility, that if Cage had surrendered, everyone would have been alive, betrayal or no betrayal, lever or no lever.

“Exactly Jasper, even if I had betrayed your people, the fate of the people of Mount Weather laid on their leader's shoulders. If they had surrendered, everyone would be alive but they didn't and forced Clarke to do what she had to do to save every one of her people, just as I did when I took the deal they offered to save mine. What happened to your girlfriend and the innocents in that place are their leader's fault and not ours,” She said to him and continued,

“Unfortunately, in war, there are always casualties. And more times than it should, people that shouldn't have died are lost in between the fight. Sometimes, we can't understand why the ones that shouldn't die are exactly the ones that do. We can only feel their loss. It happens to so many of us and once it is over, whether we have won or lost, all there is left for us to do is to deal with the pain and the blank space that they leave behind,” Lexa said to him and he looked at her absorbing her words which was a good sign.

“Your Maya was one of those incomprehensible deaths of war, Jasper but Clarke is not responsible for it, neither am I. Who could guarantee that if I had stayed, she still wouldn't have died? We can't guarantee because she might had be gone, still.” Lexa said to him and slowly, deliberately, she lifted her hand and gently pushed the gun off of her face, Jasper letting her do it. “Clarke is hurting, Jasper. If you know her, you must know that what she has done has cost her a part of herself that she will never get back,” Lexa said to him.

“And to know that on top of that, she has hurt you, one of her friends that she fought so hard and sacrificed so much to get back, to save? It will destroy her, it is destroying her right now as we speak. Knowing she is the reason for your pain and for your broken heart will just make her own pain and her guilt ten thousand times worse than it is already. But I'm not saying you need to forgive her right now because you probably won't, not when the wound is still so fresh and you didn’t even have time to heal, to process it in your own way, in your own pace,” She said as she continued talking to him.

“However, even in your grieving process, you at least can acknowledge the fact that she isn't a monster and that you don't hate her. She is your friend and even if you are mad at her, it won't change that. The only thing facing your pain in a healthy way can do is help both of you start healing and rebuild some of those burnt bridges between you two,” Lexa said seriously and Jasper sighed as he looked at her in silence before he started walking past her and sitting down in front of the river and she was left standing alone in between him and her way back home.

What would she choose to do now?


	17. In Need of Help

“I don't want to forget her. I don’t want to let her go and the pain helps me keep her intact. I'm afraid if I let go of these feelings of hate, anger, hurt, I will lose her again. I can’t lose her again,” He said looking at the river much like she had been doing before he arrived, and Lexa sighed. She looked at the forest and knew that by giving her his back, he was letting her know he had no intention more to kill her and was letting her go unharmed. But something was compelling her to stay and that's why she turned around and sat down next to him.

“You won't ever forget her. She will always be a part of you but if you let go of the hate, you will be able to remember the good times you spent with her rather than her death. You will be able to remember her smile, her laugh, the away she looked at you and everything that ever made you love her and instead of these feelings of pain, when you remember her, you will feel the peace you felt when she was around,” Lexa said to him and he turned to look at her.

“How do you know all of that?” He asked and she sighed.

She didn’t think she would ever speak of this again after she talked to Clarke. Talking about Costia had never been an easy thing for her to do, the guilt and the pain consuming her every time she even thought about it. It came to a point that she couldn’t speak to anyone, not even those closest to her, the ones who had known the girl, that had known them as a couple but here she was and for some reason she could not yet understand, she felt the need to explain it to him, so she spoke. “Because like you Jasper, I also lost my girlfriend,” She said to him and he was completely shocked.

“You did?” He asked looking back at her. He would have never been able to think that someone like her would be able to understand him but apparently, she could do it because she had gone through the same thing he was going through right now.

“I did. I lost her and in a worst way than you lost yours, I can guarantee you that.” She said honestly, chuckling sadly as she looked down at her hands before looking up front.

“Can you tell me about her?” He asked shyly, wanting to know about her experience but not wanting to irritate her and she gave him a small smile, followed by a nod before turning to look at the scene in front of her, of the forest, so calm as she prepared herself to relive those memories. She took a deep breath before she started speaking,

“Her name was Costia. She was older than me by one summer,” She said, and he interrupted.

“You mean like she was a year older than you?” He asked her, trying to understand what she had said about the girl’s age.

“That’s how the Sky People measure time?” Lexa asked him curiously and he nodded.

“Each season can only happen once in a year. So, a year old is the same as one summer or one winter. Besides, we never had summer or winter so using that would have been tough,” He explained to her and she nodded her head absorbing this new information about this strange and new people she was dealing with.

“Sorry for interrupting you to ramble,” He said to her, looking really apologetically and she shook her head, dismissing his apologies.

“No, it's okay. I enjoyed learning something new about your people's view of the world,” Lexa said to him and he smiled at her.

“So, she was a year older than you?” He asked her and she nodded.

“Yes, she was the daughter of a healer of Polis, one of the bests we have in our capitol. She was beautiful. She had black hair, her skin was a little darker than mine and she had beautiful brown eyes,” Lexa described her ex-girlfriend, picturing her face in front of her.

“She sounds beautiful,” Jasper said to her truthfully, and she nodded at him.

“She was. One of the most beautiful women I had the pleasure of meeting in my life. Many desired her but she would turn them all down. Anyways, we met when I got hurt during training and her father was not there and she was the one who patched me up. We were inseparable after that, but it took a while for it to become more than just friendship but when it did, it was beautiful, it was perfect. She was my first love,” Lexa said remembering.

“She was the one thing that kept me grounded when things would get too hard. If I would ever think of giving up, she would tell me she would leave me if I did it, so I would keep going,” Lexa said chuckling as the memories started coming back to her of the many arguments they had when Costia would threaten to leave if Lexa quit her dreams for their people.

“She didn’t enjoy the fact that I was Commander and she always preferred that when we were together, I let the Commander out of the way but at the same time, she was my subject and sometimes had to treat me with the respect and submissiveness that my position may demand from my people. We were in love, but we were not equals, not in her eyes and not in mine but we ignored that. We were so young and inconsequential, we had no idea what our relationship could mean for both of us. We were not prepared for what was coming our way,” Lexa said as she tensed knowing what was coming next.

“What happened to her?” He asked her gently, knowing it was not easy to talk about and she was brought back from her memories before she answered him sadly.

“I did. Even though I was the Commander, I thought I could have it all. My people’s love and hers. That I could be happy and do my best to extend that happiness across the clans. I came up with the idea of the Coalition, to unite my people as one. And Costia was right there by my side through it all,” She said before continuing, “But the more clans I got on my side, the more I angered the Ice Nation's queen. She had always been a vicious and cruel and ambitious leader so when she saw that I was in control of 8 other clans, something she could never do, she decided that she needed to break me,” Lexa said, taking a deep breath.

“She sent her assassins during the time I went to visit one of the clans and they stole her from our room. She was taken to the Ice Nation. She was tortured for information about me, but she never gave them anything, even because she didn’t have it. She was then killed and when I finally returned to Polis and entered my room, her head was there, on a box laying on top of the bed,” Lexa said though her throat seemed to tighten as she remembered the scene as if she was seeing it happen again right at this moment.

“All because the queen wanted what the power that you had over the clans?” Jasper asked her shocked by the brutality of the story.

Lexa nodded. “I tell you now Jasper. The feeling you have of wanting to kill the ones responsible for it come to me twice as hard as it does to you because with your Maya, Clarke never intended for her to get hurt, in fact it was the contrary, all Clarke didn't want was to hurt her and the others. But Nia, she wanted to hurt me where she knew it would do the most damage, the person I loved, the only one I had loved by that point. I wanted to kill her so badly for taking Costia from me, you can’t begin to imagine,” Lexa said clenching her jaw.

“Did you kill her or make her pay for killing Costia?” He asked curious about it. Lexa shook her head and he was surprised. “You didn't? Why not? She deserved to pay,” He said angry at the woman without even knowing her and Lexa have him a small and tight smile.

“Yes, she deserved it. She deserved for me to inflict on her the same amount of pain she inflicted on me. To make her feel what I was feeling. To take from her what she took from me. But there was just one problem with that though,” Lexa said to him as he paid attention.

“How many lives would be lost in between that fight? How many people on both sides would die so I could claim her head simply for taking my girlfriend? As much as I wanted to wage war against her, I had to think about my people, and I couldn't let her win by losing control of my emotions and just go blind raging after her. I had to think about the best option for my people because that's my job, that is my duty, my destiny, so I did just that and instead of waging war, I stayed quiet about my pain and my anger and finalized my Coalition which was a dream Costia and I created together,” She continued the story,

“When I had 11 clans under my command, Nia knew she had lost. The clans that belong to the Coalition are not allowed to trade with others that are not. I may have made that rule just for her because I knew that she would be the last one to come to me given the history between both of our Clans. She had always been power-hungry and seeing me accomplish what no other commander or chief had ever been able to do triggered her and Costia was her way to get to me, to destabilizing me. Waging war against her in the name of one person was what she expected me to do but I didn’t,” Lexa said to him and they both smiled.

“Instead, I accepted her and her clan into my alliance, after all, there were many benefits that would bring to the people as the Azgeda army is impressive. Of course, the Trikru army is better and larger but their numbers would still be an asset among other things. So when I said yes, she had no choice but to join and like the other leaders, she had to bow down before me, and for a woman like her to fall on her knees before me, acknowledging in front of everyone that I was more powerful than her was a big humiliation and I took small pride and relief in knowing that I have done that,” Lexa said to him and he nodded.

“I can imagine it and that was a good payback. Not enough but it was a good enough start. She must have been very angry at you and at herself for failing to break you the way she had expected she would,” He said to her and she gave him a smirk.

“She wasn’t angry, she was furious, and anyone could see it, but she had to do it, she had no other option, it is part of the acceptance ceremony. After that, she pretty much kept to herself, provocations regarding Costia was always made by her ambassadors but after the 5th ambassador that I pushed from the top floor of my tower in less than a month, the remarks about it became less and less frequent and now only the most defiant ones say something about it while also being afraid of the consequences of it. I usually weight if I can tolerate then, otherwise, I simply kill them,” She said to him and he nodded smiling.

“You are one hell of a badass,” He said to her and she titled her head confused at why he was saying such a thing about her.

“Badas? You're calling me amazing but what that has to do with what we are talking about?” She asked him and he realized that it must be a word for the grounders but with a different meaning. He smiled at her

“No, badass in our culture, it means you are awesome, like you can kick some ass,” He explained and although she didn't fully understand, she got the general meaning of it and smiled at him a little.

“I guess you could say I am badass,” She said testing the word around and he laughed at how weird the word sounded coming from her and she was happy he could be smiling and laughing where minutes ago, he wanted to kill her.

“Jasper,” She called to him and he looked at her. “The pain will be excruciating a few days, most days. It will leave you breathless, it will consume you and you will feel like there is no way out, like it will never get better, but you have to remember that it will also feel lighter in other days. That's how life works. But when the pain feels as bad as it did today, remind yourself of the good things you lived with her and cry if you feel like it but don't do anything stupid like you did now pointing that gun at me,” She said seriously as he looked at her.

“I was forgiving with you because we were alone, and I could understand your pain and where you were coming from. That allowed me to show you mercy and sympathy but what you just did was threaten the Commander's life and that itself could have earned you a death by thousand cuts, the punishment for any crime performed against the Commander's life, as well as condemning your people to perish for the crime as well,” She explained to him as he gulped.

“Death by a thousand cuts? That doesn't sound like fun at all.” He said nervously, finally realizing just who he had threatened to kill and she nodded.

“It isn't. If any of my people had seen you pointing that gun to me, they would have demanded retribution even if you had not gone through with the threat and they would have been forced to demand your death for raising your weapons to me and your people would have refused, Clarke would have refused and war would have been waged between us because unlike Finn, I wouldn't have been able to be merciful. You would have suffered. And no one wants that to happen,” She said to him and he looked down, ashamed of his actions.

“You are a good kid, Jasper. Don't lose sight of that just because right now the pain is blinding you to everything else. As someone who has been where you are now and has survived it, I can safely tell you, it will get better,” She said touching his shoulder.

“I just wanted it to stop. The pain. I just wanted to stop,” He said, trying to explain even if he didn’t really understand what he had wanted coming in search of her and looked at her.

“You don't erase pain, Jasper. You overcome it, day by day. With the help of those who care about you, who are willing to share your burdens so they can be lighter for you to carry. You need to let your friends help you.” She said seriously at the same time gently and he nodded before he turned to look at the horizon and she did the same before she turned to him. “I have an idea,” She said and he looked at her curious.

“Look, your friends probably have already learned of your disappearance and even what your plans were, after all you Sky People are not subtle,” She said teasingly, and he chuckled knowing she was definitely right about that. “So, it is a good idea for you to go back to assure them that you are okay and that the truce is still in place, but I would like to offer you some help to chanel those emotions for something productive,” She said and he nodded.

“What kind of help?” He asked her, interested on what she would offer him to help him deal with his emotions and she looked at him.

“One of my villages was destroyed by a missile from the Mountain. Many would have decided to leave it like that but not me. I want to rebuild it,” She said to him.

“I want to make the village even better than it was before. And I wondered if you would be willing to help with that? That way you could do some healing and you could get to know my people and they could get to know you too. Maybe, we could help both of our people mend some bridges we burned. What do you think?” Lexa asked him and he looked at her shockingly and she waited for his answer.

“Would I be safe there? I mean, your people don’t like mine very much. So, they wouldn’t try to kill me, or would they?” He said, asking her and she chuckled.

“No, they don’t like your people, but you would be under my protection. You will be safe, I promise.” She said and he nodded, somehow trusting her.

“Okay, I don’t know why but I trust you. If you’re serious about the offer, I would like to help you and your people rebuild your village,” He said smiling at her, and she smiled standing up and helping him back on his feet.

“Very well. I will need at least two days before we will get started so in three days’ time, we will meet each other here in this same place and I will take you to the village. Deal?” She asked extending her hand to him and he grabbed it. “Deal,” He said and she nodded.

“Now, go before your people think you have been kidnapped by mine and come guns blazing demanding your return.” She said and he nodded. He picked up his guns and started on the same way he came from as she watched him.  She was glad she didn’t have to kill him. He was a good kid, he just needed some help and Lexa was actually glad she was able to offer some of it for him today. She actually felt better about her day and even her mother wouldn’t ruin her current mood so she knew it was time to get back to her people and start her work once again.


	18. Hard Lessons to Learn

“What the hell do you mean Jasper went to kill the Commander?” Bellamy asked as Clarke still tried to calm down her racing heart. She could not think of anything happening to either one of them, this has to be a nightmare.

“Well, I was sleeping but Jasper was with the others and well apparently, Monroe said something about the Commander, about how Emerson had made a deal with the Commander to get her people out if she retreated, leaving us behind. Harper told me that when Monroe said that if she had stayed maybe the outcome could have been different and everything, Jasper finally joined the conversation. According to Harper, he asked Monroe about what the Commander looked like and she gave him the description and he left them after that,” Monty explained it to them.

“And how did he get a gun in the first place, Monty?” Bellamy asked the young engineer and Monty sighed deeply as this was not looking good for any of them.

“He still had the one he was using in Mount Weather. He said that he would give it to the guards after we got home and got settled in, but he didn't. He kept it under his pillow.” Monty said to them.

“Why do you think he went after the Commander then?” Clarke asked finally finding her voice, making it loud enough for her two friends to hear her question.

“Because when I heard what Harper said, I went to his room to see if I could find him, but he wasn’t there and when I looked under his pillow, neither was the gun. On my way here, I passed by Wick who asked me if I would join Jasper and I asked him, join him where and he told me that Jasper had asked Wick to help him escape from the camp, claiming he needed some space from everyone inside. So I did the math, he asked what the Commander looked like, he grabbed his gun and he left camp which could only mean one dangerous thing,” He said as Clarke finished the thought for him.

“That he went to kill her,” Clarke said more to herself than to the boys and she felt as if her heart was about to burst from her chest. There was no way Lexa would survive a bullet and if she did, that meant that Jasper wouldn’t survive. One way or another, she would lose someone she cared about, and she was feeling desperate. However, she knew she needed to use her head or else the situation could become a lot worse for both people, but most of all for her people once the grounders find out about it, they will want retribution and this time, she doesn’t think they will let her be merciful. At least, using her head was a lesson Lexa gave her that night by the Mountain’s door that she would put to good use in this situation now.

“I had no idea that he would go after the Commander like this. If I had known, I would have tried to stop him. Especially now that we have a truce with the grounders,” Monty said to them and Clarke put a hand on his shoulders.

“It wasn't your fault, okay? And we will stop him and bring him home. Unharmed but first we need to warn Kane,” She said and looked at Bellamy who nodded so the three of them made their way through the station and to what was being used as the Chancellor’s office and they found Kane there.

He was shocked to see all of them coming to the office like this, all at once, but by the look on their faces, they didn’t have good news to give him, so he stood up from the couch to meet up with them. “What’s wrong now?” he asked them.

“Jasper learned of the deal Lexa made with the Mountain Men and took a gun to go find her. He went to kill her, Kane,” Clarke said and couldn’t stop the worry from sipping through her voice. Bellamy and Monty thought it was because of Jasper but Kane knew that she was also, if not more worried for Lexa. He was not blind, he could see that there was something more happening between the two girls but this, this was really bad.

“How long ago did he leave?” He asked them and they all looked at Monty.

“Well, Harper and Wick said it has been about two hours or something,” Monty said, and Clarke could feel herself become even more worried. It was enough time for the damage to be done already. But what damage was it? Were them too late?

“Do you think we will find him in time?” Bellamy asked them all after a few moments of silence between the four people in the room.

“We don't have another choice. He can't kill her,” Clarke answered firmly, and she meant every word. She may be hurt and angry, rightfully so but the simple thought of Jasper putting a bullet through Lexa’s head was enough to knock the air out of her lungs. Lexa couldn't die like this. She couldn't die. Period. Clarke wouldn't let it. Her spirit had to stay where it is.

“Clarke is right. We need to go and find him. I will select a group of guards to go with you to find him. Stay right here. I will be back in a second,” Kane said and left them in the room as he ran out the door.

“You’re right. We have to find him or else any chance of peace with the grounders will be gone forever. They won't stop until they wipe us out if Jasper kills the Commander like this. And with some of us down given what happened in the drilling room, I'm not sure we can win if we have to fight so we need to stop him for the sake of our people and him too. We can't let Jasper do the same thing that Finn did,” Bellamy said out loud and he regretted the moment those words came out of his mouth as he noticed when Clarke tensed up.

“I'm sorry, Clarke,” He apologized to her and she shook her head.

“Don't worry, it's okay,” She said trying to reassure him but the reminder of what happened with Finn and what she had to do was brought back and she tried to push it away to the back of her mind.

“No, it's not okay. I shouldn't have mentioned Finn. I didn't mean to make it out as it was your fault because it wasn't.” Bellamy said to her and he meant it. Clarke did what she had to do and she shouldn't be judged harshly for it.

“I said I’m okay. It may not seem like it but I'm stronger than you think,” Clarke snapped at him, the memories getting the best of her.

“I know. I’m not trying to say you are not.” Bellamy said to her and went quiet after it, not wanting to provoke her even more. Clarke sighed before turning back to him.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you.” She said to him and he looked at her.

“It's okay. I don't mind.” He said but she shook her head.

“I do. You're only trying to help me as usual and here I am biting your head off. I really am sorry.” She said and he smiled as she continued talking, “Besides, you are right. We can’t let him become like Finn. I can't let him get hurt, not when the reason he is even hurting so badly that he would go to kill the Commander is because I killed his girlfriend,” Clarke said to him and Bellamy looked at her.

“We did what we had to do to save our people, Clarke. Jasper needs to understand that,” Bellamy said to her and Clarke looked at him.

“But still if Maya hadn’t died, if I hadn’t killed her, then he…” Clarke trailed off, but Bellamy interrupted her before she could continue.

“Clarke, whatever it is that Jasper tries to do today, that's not on you. The same way those people Finn killed in that village was not your fault either. You couldn't have stopped it. He had made his choice. The same thing goes for Jasper. He is making his choice, anything that happens after that is on him. Not on us. Especially not on you, okay?” Bellamy said as she started pacing waiting for Kane to return.

Bellamy was right. Even if the reason behind Finn’s murder spree was because he was trying to find her, to make sure she was okay, it was not her fault that he massacred that village. She didn't ask for him to go around killing innocent people in cold blood in her name or in a misguided attempt to protect her. She would never condone that kind of action he took that day. Neither would the Finn that she knew before she was captured by the Mountain Men. That Finn was kind, that Finn tried to form a peace treaty with the Grounders, befriended Lincoln even after being stabbed by him. That Finn was a pacifist.

Which is why it was so hard for her to look at him and not see him pulling the trigger as body after body started falling at his feet. She couldn't believe what she saw that day. Like she said to Lincoln when she went to him for advice on how to best deal with the situation, the person that committed that horrible crime, it wasn't Finn, at least not the one she knew. His eyes were lost, like he wasn't seeing things clearly. He only stopped when he saw her but by then, there were too many dead. Too many innocent lives taken because he had lost control. She had been scared of him and she felt the pain of his eyes looking at her even now.

Of course, she wanted to save him from death. She cared for him, a lot. Though she said to him just before she killed him that she had loved him, but she wasn't in love with him. Surely, they had started something as he said it himself, but it wasn't this big feeling that shakes you up to the core and leaves you completely vulnerable. The kind of love that with one look you seem to know everything about the person, and they seem to know everything about you. Her saving him didn’t mean she had forgiven him for what he did but like he said, she couldn’t save him from the things he had done. She could only alleviate his pain and that’s what she did.

“I know it was his choice and I know it's not directly my fault, but I can't help feeling like it is. They are my friends, Bellamy. I should be able to help them. My people, my responsibility,” Clarke said quoting him, “Whatever they do, as the leader they see me as, responsibility for what they do falls down to me. Whatever problem they have, or cause is my problem too. It's just the way it is. And that's why I feel like this,” She said and kept pacing the room, but he grabbed her arm halting her steps, turning her to look at him.

“It's our problem, Clarke. I'm here with you like I said I would be. Always. You’re not alone, alright? You have me,” Bellamy said to her as he looked intensely into her eyes and she could only stare back. She has been noticing the way he looked at her and she was starting to see more than just friendship reflected on them. She didn't know how to feel about that, she hadn't thought of Bellamy that way ever, and now after Lexa, she wasn't sure she ever would look at anyone that way again. However, she was saved from dealing with that when Kane came inside and the other three looked at him.

“So where is the team?” Clarke asked him and he shook his head, still looking shocked and surprised which put Clarke on edge before he finally spoke.

“There is no team needed anymore. He has returned. Unharmed and with all of his bullets accounted for,” Kane said to them, and Clarke let a deep breath of relief as did the other three.

“Just like that? But how is that possible?” Bellamy asked him and Kane shrugged.

“He did not speak to me, only let me take his gun and check the clip. I’m afraid if you want more answers, you will have to ask him yourself.” He said to them and the three friends nodded as they moved to leave the room, Clarke giving him a subtle nod in a show of gratitude which was returned before she also left.

The three of them moved towards where Jasper’s room was located and once they got there, Monty knocked on the door a few times and they heard Jasper’s voice say to come in so looking at his two companions, the young engineer opened the door and went inside to find his friend laying down on his bed facing the ceiling as the three of them walked inside and closed the door behind them. “Jasper tell us that you didn’t leave to go kill the Commander,” Bellamy said breaking the silence between them.

“I did,” Jasper answered like it was nothing which worried them.

“And what happened?” Monty asked and Jasper shrugged.

“I didn’t find her.” He lied though they didn’t know. He didn’t want them to know of his talk to her, much less of her offer so he lied.

“What were you thinking, Jasper? If you had found her and killed her, do you have any idea what that would mean for your, for us?” Clarke said and he looked at her and nodded.

“Yeah, I know,” He said shrugging his shoulder and she was frustrated.

“Then, why did you go at all?” She asked and he shrugged.

“Because I needed to go for myself.” He said and she shook her head.

“So, you wouldn’t have cared if the grounders had killed you and wiped us out? Kill every one of us because of something you did?” She asked him and he looked at her.

“After everything we have done, do we even deserve to survive, Clarke?” He asked her and she was left speechless, “After more than 600 hundred people died by our hands, do we really deserve to live? To be happy? To laugh? To enjoy this when so many died for it?” He said looking directly at her, “I don’t know but Maya was right about one thing though. None of us are innocents,” He said to them as he continued speaking.

“All our hands are covered in blood of our enemies, of innocents people and we keep telling ourselves we had to do it. It was for our people. We had to do it. But until when are we going to keep using that as an excuse for all the monstrous things we have done and continue to do? When are we going to stop pretending to be the victims of circumstances or whatever and face the truth that we did those things because that is who we have become? What is so different about what Finn did to what we have done? He murdered innocents for his people. Didn’t you?” He said to them as they could only listen.

He stood up from his bed and walked around to stand in front of them. “I wonder, when all of this is over and we survive it, will we wish we hadn’t?” He said to them and they had no answer. This was definitely not the Jasper they were expecting to encounter. This level-headed person who was speaking without shivering or without crying but with a confidence and calm that it hadn’t been there before.

“I thought it would make me feel better to kill the Commander, but it wouldn’t have so I will not try it again, if that is what you are worried about. I don’t need babysitters. I can take care of myself. And don’t worry. I will not put our people at risk, after all, we know that there is nothing we are not capable of doing if it that happens, right?” He said before he moved past them and out of his room as they were left there without a reaction.


	19. Proving Strength

Lexa returned to her camp shortly after she said goodbye to Jasper in the woods and passed by everyone going straight for her tent. She could see Tessa from the corner of her eyes so as she passed Ryder, she ordered him to keep the woman away from her, he nodded his head and she went inside. Once she was safe behind the comfort of the metaphorical walls of her tent, Lexa finally let out a breath of relief. Today was a very emotional day and she was ready for it to be over. Luckily for her, the night was starting to fall so she had the perfect excuse to stay in her tent for the rest of the night without being bothered by anyone.

She shed her armor, leaving herself in her normal clothing before she went straight to bed. Last night, her emotions would not let her sleep but this time, her emotions only wanted for her to go to sleep so she listened to them and threw herself on the bed, falling asleep almost immediately with how tired she was emotionally. Tessa being there was a tense situation that she would need to tread carefully for, the woman was a snake and Lexa would not trust her at all. She would need to keep an eye on her excuse of a mother for as long as the woman would stay in her camp, amongst her people, near her.

Thankful by a night without nightmares, Lexa woke the next day, early as usual but this time she stayed in bed for a while longer than she normally did, thinking about the events of yesterday’s afternoon and her talk with Jasper. She didn’t know what drew her to him to make her show him such mercy and compassion but she supposed it was because she saw a lot of herself when she lost Costia in him and the same way Anya helped her at that time, she decided she wanted to help him, even because helping him would make sure he didn’t try with Clarke what he tried with her. Even if the blonde couldn’t stand to see her, Lexa would still do everything in her power to keep her safe from harm.

After that moment of indulgence, she decided that it was too much musing over things for one morning so Lexa stood up and went to where a bath would have been drawn for her already as usual and it was ready for her. She lowered herself on the tub and tried to relax, after all today would been a tiring day on her patience so she meditated and spent some time there before finishing her bath, drying herself off, changing her clothes, putting on her armor, her head piece, shoulder pad and walking to her throne before calling for Ryder to get Indra.

She waited a little bit before her general walked inside her tent bowing before her. “ **You sent for me, Commander?** ” She asked her and Lexa nodded. 

“ **Yes, Indra. I have two important matters to discuss with you that I do not want to be delayed any further,** ” She said, and the older woman nodded.

“ **Of course, Commander. What is it?** ” Indra asked and Lexa looked at her before starting.

“ **Well, first of all, Tessa** ,” Lexa saw Indra’s jaw clench at the mention of the woman, “ **She is here to represent Trishanakru but I don’t trust that the only reason why she is here if to escort the rescued people from her clan. She always has another motive, I want to know what,** ” Lexa said to her as Indra listened.

“ **I want you to assign someone trustworthy to keep an eye and an ear on Tessa. I want to know who she talks to, what she talks about, what she eats, what she does. I want to know everything. Something about this visit is not right and I want to know what it is. Can you do that?** ” Lexa asked her and Indra nodded her head, already with someone in mind for the task.

“ **Malik is very good at that and she doesn’t know him. it would be easy for him to spy on her and he is completely loyal to you, Commander. He would be the perfect choice,** ” Indra suggested, and Lexa nodded. Malik was a boy of 15 from a village near TonDC, who joined them recently finally being considered a warrior and not a second. And he was incredibly loyal to her, it would be the best choice.

“ **Very well, debrief him on his mission and the secrecy of it all** ,” Lexa approved her suggestion and Indra nodded relieved she could help her Commander.

“ **What was the other matter you wanted to discuss with me, Commander?** ” Indra asked her.

“ **I have decided that I, that we will rebuild TonDC to its former glory** ,” Lexa said as simple as that and Indra could not help but be shocked for what she just heard.

“ **Excuse me, Commander**. **I don’t think I understood what you just said** ,” Indra said surprised as Lexa gave her a small smile.

“ **We both know the truth of what happened that day, don’t we Indra?** ” Lexa said with a pointed look towards her general and Indra knew she was talking about the fact that Lexa and Clarke knew of the missile and let it hit the village. She nodded.

“ **Yes, we do, Commander** ,” She answered truthfully as Lexa nodded, pleased that her general decided not to try to lie to her about the matter.

“ **I made the choice I thought was best for all of us, for the success of our mission against the Mountain, as much as it pained me to have to let so many of our people die for it. However, I will not let that be the end of what has been the center village of the Trikru clan since the beginning of our story. I have sent word for the best builders in all of the Coalition, save from the Ice Nation as usual, and they will be coming here in the next couple of days to start rebuilding your village** ,” Lexa explained, and Indra was still shocked about it.

“ **Commander, I don’t know what to say** ,” Indra said, trying to find the words but being unsuccessful as Lexa shook her head dismissively at her.

“ **You don’t need to say anything. It’s my duty as your Commander and as part of Trikru to see the restoration of TonDC** ,” Lexa said and Indra nodded, overwhelmed.

“ **Thank you for your generosity** ,” The general expressed her gratitude, but Lexa waved her off.

“ **There is no need for that. I wanted to let you know now because once everything in this camp is settled, you and I will be going there to oversee the construction and after everything, it’s the least I could do** ,” Lexa said and Indra nodded, “ **Now, onto the matters of today, are the generals already gathered?** ” Lexa asked her and Indra nodded one more time.

“ **Yes, they are in the war tent waiting for you, Commander** ,” The general said as Lexa stood up from her throne and descended the few steps until she was eye level with Indra.

“ **Then, let’s go**.” Lexa said and moved past the general and out of her tent in the direction of the other one who was a few feet away from her own. Once she got inside, the noise the generals were making was silenced as she walked around the table and stood at the head of it with Indra and Ryder by her side. The generals made half bows as expected and she nodded at them. “ **Seeing as everyone is here, we will start this meeting** ,” The generals nodded.

“ **As you may have heard already, The Mountain has fallen** ,” She said as they looked at each other, “ **The Sky People has killed them all, not one Mountain Men remains to live the tale of their people** ,” Lexa said to them.

“ **How did they do that, Commander**?” Ami, the Podakru general, asked her directly.

“ **From what I know Ami, Clarke of the Sky People infiltrated their technology along with her friends and used it to destroy them by letting them breathe our air which was toxic for them** ,” She answered him who nodded at her.

“ **So, what you are saying is that all it took to destroy them was our air and you let the Sky People take our right for justice from us?** ” Leni, the Yuljedakru general said angrily and Lexa looked at him.

“ **I didn’t let them take our vengeance, Leni. The Sky people were fighting for their people and I had already saved mine,** ” Lexa said to him and he scoffed.

“ **You dishonored us all** ,” He said to her as she titled her head, not liking his tone or his words.

“ **Leni is right. This battle was ours. Their blood was ours to claim and you robbed us of that because you were too afraid to fight them. You have weakened us** ,” Daniel, the Ice Nation general said as others agreed.

“ **Is that what you all think I have done? Weakened and dishonored our people?** ” She asked them, staying perfectly calm as they just stared at her before Leni spoke again.

“ **You are not my Commander** ,” Leni said seriously, and the others looked at her waiting for a reaction. She said nothing to him, to any of them. She simply unclasped her shoulder pad and put it on top of the table before she removed her coat and put it beside the pad before she was left only in a sleeveless shirt as she unsheathed her ceremonial sword.

“ **All of you. Outside** ,” Lexa said to them before she moved passed all of the generals and out of the tent with Indra behind her and the generals following suit.

“ **Warriors of the 12 Clans**.” Lexa called out loudly and they all turned to look at her. She even could see Octavia and Lincoln along with Nyko on one side. Once she was sure she had their attention, she continued, “ **My generals think me unfit to command you. They think I am no longer worthy of being the Commander because I chose to save my people instead of letting you die for no reason at all. I think some of you may even think the same, so I am giving this chance. Along with my generals, those that think that, step forward and let the sword settle this once and for all** ,” She said challenging them.

“What is she doing?” Octavia asked Lincoln and Nyko.

“They are questioning her strength, so she needs to prove herself again. That is why she is challenging them to fight her,” Lincoln explained as she nodded not taking her eyes off of the Commander who looked nothing short of deadly.

“Will they?” She asked, not understanding why anyone would do such a thing.

“Some of them will,” He answered her.

“Then what?” She asked again and this time it was Nyko who answered.

“Then, she will kill them and the discussion will be put in the past. The Commander lets us have our opinions as long as we don’t disrespect her like they have by questioning her title,” the healer explained as Lincoln nodded.

Lexa stood in the middle of the circle and watched as a few warriors stepped forward in front of her. “ **Generals, if you would join them** ,” She said motioning forward and the generals did just that. Counting all of them, it was about 30-35 warriors that she would have to kill, she always hated to do this but there was no other way. She stood in front and opened her arms.

“ **Shall we?** ” She said and waited for the first one to attack. It was one of the warriors who joined, she blocked his advance before she kneeled down, and slid her sword through his stomach before standing up and doing the same to his back.

She looked back at the rest with her face, splashed of blood. The next two came together and she dodged both of their sword before she twisted one’s arms putting him in front of her as the other’s sword pierced his body and she pierced the other’s head with her own before throwing both of their bodies to the ground picking up a second sword for herself. The next three groups that attacked were easier to kill, a couple of swings and there were more bodies on the ground. She looked up and there were 15 warriors left, she took a deep breath before the next group moved forward.

This time it was 5 on one. They moved at the same time, thinking they would have the upper hand if they attacked in group but Lexa was even faster to deflect all of their blows before she took a step forward swinging her sword on the one in the middle, kicking the one on the left in the chest, twirling around and slashing the third before twirling back and fighting the forth before cutting his throat. The blood splashed in her face temporarily blinded her and she didn’t see the fifth one come from behind and only felt his sword running through her lower back all the front to her lower stomach as she grinded her teeth together in pain

“ **You’re done** ,” He said on her ear and all she did was twirl her sword in her hand and drive though his head as the blood fell on her shoulder before she pulled it back and removed his sword from her body. She knew that she needed to stop the bleeding, so she removed her dagger and drove it through the wound to contain the bleeding. Before the others moved forward, Lexa had been on defense but since time was not on her side, she moved to attack and despite the dagger and the wound, she was still faster than them so with movement after movement, she was leaving body after body behind. By this point, she was drenched from head to toe in red blood, some mixing with her own black one.

There was only Daniel, Leni and Declan so the three of them, of course, moved in unit, circling her. The first one to attack was Declan moving forward, however at the last minute she sidestepped him and swung her sword, piercing it through his heart before kicking his body forward and turning to Leni who attacked and managed to push her back before she used the momentum of the fight to crunch down and twirl her leg making him fall to the ground before driving the sword down on his neck and pulling up before she looked up at Daniel.

For him, she didn’t even pull her sword out of Leni’s body, she simply stood up and moved towards him. He swung his sword at her but she dodged all of them before waiting for the right moment where she grabbed his wrist and bent it taking the sword from his hand before signing and slashing his throat before kicking him on the leg causing him to fall on his knee and she swung her sword again, this time cutting off his head as it rolled down on the ground. Lexa took a deep breath since her body was in real pain from the wounds she received, some small cuts and the big one on her stomach.

“ **I am your Commander and I fight for my people. Always have. Always will. I swore to protect you and your families and that is what I have done and will continue to do so whether you like it or not. I don’t expect you to understand my decisions, but I do expect that you respect them and me. I chose to be your Commander because I care for every single one of you and if I made the decision I made in the Mountain, be sure that it was the best choice for all of us. Now, go back to your duties,** ” She said to them before she turned around and walked away from the scene and went back to her tent.

“I will go check on the Commander,” Nyko said leaving the couple with Octavia who was still shocked with what she just witnessed. That was not human. Lexa fought 10 people with a dagger on body covering a wound.

“Is she for real?” She asked Lincoln who looked worriedly towards the Commander’s tent.

“She is reckless but yes, she is for real,” He said wanting to go check on her but knowing it was not his place to do so.

“She is amazing, that was out of this world. Can I ever learn to fight like that?” She asked her boyfriend and he chuckled.

“Heda’s abilities are one of a kind plus she has been training ever since she was three years old. Not matter how good you are or become, she will always be better. But you can try to get close, that is what all of us do,” He said to her before he directed them back to Nyko’s tent to change their bandages. Inside Lexa’s tent, Nyko and Indra were there with her as he removed her shirt and took a look at all the damage the fighting has caused. He didn’t want to fail in healing his Commander, so he always did more than his best when treating her wounds.

“ **Just close the wound and be done with it, Nyko**. **I have other matters to overlook** ,” Lexa ordered him, irritated by the whole situation.

“ **Yes, Commander. I will do my best, but it will leave a scar** ,” He said and started treating it. She winced once in a while but suffered through it, she really didn’t care about scars, it wasn’t the first or the last she would receive anyway so why bother.

“ **What will you do now, Commander?** ” Indra asked and Lexa looked at her.

“ **We still have matters to discuss so gather the next in line for the fallen generals and send them to the tent. Once Nyko is done treating me like a child, I will go there** ,” She said to Indra who left to do as she ordered, and the healer gave a stronger pull of her stitches which made her wince in pain.

“ **Be patient, Commander. We are almost done** ,” He said to her and she sighed. It took him about 20 more minutes before she was all treated, bandaged and good to go, “ **Please, don’t force it to much, Commander otherwise, you could bleed to death** ,” He said pointedly at her and she nodded her head at him, showing she understood the warning before she walked out of her personal tent and towards the war tent where the replacements for her generals were already waiting for her.

Her armor was still there so Lexa started putting it back, starting by her coat, before putting on her shoulder pad and locking it in place as Indra gave her back her sword, clean of blood and she sheathed it before turning to them. “ **Now, what happened with your predecessors was most unfortunate and I hope none of you will make the same poor choices they made for doubting my commitment to my people now, will you?** ” She asked them and they shook their heads bowing to her.

“ **No, Commander. We will not** ,” They said in unison showing her respect and she was satisfied with it for the moment so she also nodded before she started speaking.

“ **Very, well, then let’s start this meeting once again. As I was saying…** ”


	20. Deserved Memorial

The next day from the whole Jasper incident, Clarke woke up quite early as well. The nightmares that would come to haunt her every night were not letting her sleep for too long either so getting up and making quick work on her clothes, Clarke walked out of her room. Coming down from the high of fearing for Lexa and Jasper was hard for Clarke. That night she had dreams about both of their deaths and was hard for her to sleep but now she was feeling calmer than she had been since Monty came to get her and Bellamy to tell them of Jasper’s ridiculous and extremely dangerous plan.

As she walked through the halls of Alpha Station, she could still feel the eyes and the looks of the people who stared at her. She tried to ignore them on a daily basis but she wasn’t always successful as she wanted to be. She didn’t know which one of them bothered her the most. The ones who looked at her in fear of what she had done and was capable of doing or those that look at her in awe for the same reason. One looked at her as if she was a monster and the other as if she was a hero. But in the end, surprisingly enough, both ways made her realize that she was neither one.

She wasn’t a monster and she wasn’t a hero. She was a leader. She was just a leader, trying to do what was best for her people, hoping that the decisions she makes are the right ones to keep them all safe and protected. She imagined that was what Cage and Dante told themselves to feel better about what they did, which is why she needed to keep a close eye on herself whenever she had to walk the thin line that they crossed with their cruelty or else, she would be just like them and she refused that with everything in her. She may not be the good guy she thought she was, but she was also not the big bad of this story, not like they were.

Clarke got to the dining hall and went to grab some food for herself when she noticed that Bellamy was sitting all alone in a table, so she decided to go and sit with him. She put her tray down across from him as he looked up at her.

“Good morning,” He greeted her, and she gave him a small smile.

“Good morning. How did you sleep?” She asked him and he shrugged.

“I slept something. You?” He threw the question back at her and she shrugged it too.

“Pretty much the same. Nightmares as usual,” She told him and he nodded as she noticed people watching their table and sighed, “Do people stare at you too?” She asked him as they started to eat again, and he nodded.

“Yeah, they do but I don’t think it is as much as they look at you. They don’t associate me with what happened as much as they do with you,” He said to her sincerely and she nodded.

“Well, I guess it’s just something I will have to learn how to deal with, won’t I?” She said to him and he nodded.

“Unfortunately, I think so, yeah,” He answered her and there was a bit of silence between them before Clarke broke it.

“Did you have any luck talking to Jasper again?” She asked him and he shook her head.

“Not since he returned.” Bellamy answered before he asked her, “Did you think about what he said to us?” She looked at him and sighed nodding.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about it and fearing that he was right. We do use the ‘I did it for my people’ for the most brutal things we have done as if it justifies it, as if it makes it okay but then, I remember that so did the Mountain when they drained people of their blood or bone marrow, so did Jaha when he floated people for petty crimes like having a second child. If you ask them how they could do what they did to the grounders or what Jaha did to your mother or my father, the answer will be that they were doing for their people. How are we any better than they were?” Clarke asked him and he nodded understanding where she was coming from.

“I don’t know. I guess that is the problem we have, isn’t it? We don’t know what makes us different than they were,” Bellamy said to her and she sighed nodding to him.

“Yes, it is and I am starting to realize that we really don’t. I really don’t,” She said to him honestly and looked around before she spoke again, “I was thinking something and I would like your help to do it,” She said to him and he looked at her.

“Whatever you need, you know that. Always,” He said to her genuinely and she nodded, giving him a small smile thankful for his constant presence in her life, especially at this time when she needs him and her friends the most to try and get better.

“I was thinking that we should burn the bodies. Given them peace in death even if they never had it in life,” Clarke said to him and he stopped eating to look at her.

“Going back to the Mountain? You sure about that?” He asked her and she nodded.

“We can’t just leave their bodies to rot. We did more than enough to them. We owe them this, Bellamy. You, me, Monty, more than anyone else,” Clarke said to him and he nodded.

“Okay, I agree. We owe them to put them to rest, but just the two of us? We can’t get it done ourselves,” He asked her, and she shook her head.

“No, of course not. Gather the rest of the 100 and meet me by the gates in half an hour. If anyone should do it, it’s all of us,” She said to him and he nodded. She finished her food and stood up, walking away. She knew she needed to talk to her mom and Kane and so that is why she went to find them at the chancellor’s room.

“Hey guys, do you have a minute to talk?” She said to them by the door as they both turned to look at her and Abby smiled at her daughter.

“Of course, sweetie. Come on in,” Abby said to her motioning for her to come inside and Clarke walked in, hugging her mom and Kane as well.

“What is it? Is there a problem? Something wrong with you?” Abby asked her a little worried and Clarke gave her a small smile at that.

“No, Mom, nothing like that. I just wanted to ask for permission to go to the Mountain to burn the bodies. I feel like they deserve a proper burial,” Clarke said to them and the two adults looked at each other.

“Won’t that cause a problem with the grounders?” Kane asked her and she shook her head. “No, because by their own laws, we conquered the Mountain, so, technically, it is ours. If we were to move inside, that is when it would become a problem. But doing this, or taking what we need from there, it is allowed. Trust me,” Clarke said to them and they nodded.

“Okay, if you say so, we will trust you. But, exactly how many of you are going? You can’t possibly do it alone,” Abby asked her, and Clarke nodded.

“No, I can’t so that is why I am taking the rest of the 100 with me. That place, it means something different for us than it does for the rest of our people so I think we should be the ones to do it,” Clarke explained to them.

“Should we send guards with you just in case a problem does occur with the grounders?” Kane asked her worriedly and the blonde seemed to think on it before shaking her head.

“No, we will be safe. There is no need to worry.” Clarke said to them and they nodded.

“Very well, as Chancellor, you have my permission.” Abby said and Clarke gave her a smile.

“Thanks Mom.” Clarke said and turned to leave.

“You will come back, won’t you?” Abby asked her and Clarke turned to look at her mother and saw the concern in her face and smiled.

“Yes, I will. I love you Mom,” She said sincerely, and Abby smiled.

“I love you too, sweetheart,” Abby replied and with that Clarke walked out of the room and in the direction of the gates where she would meet with Bellamy and the others and once she got out of Alpha Station, she could already see them gathered and she could also see Jasper, waiting as well, and she hoped there wouldn’t be too much of a problem with him. Bellamy came to meet with her and handled a backpack for her.

“So, can we go?” He asked her and she adjusted the pack and nodded.

“Yes, open the gates.” Clarke said turning to the guards and they did it.

Just like that, they started on their journey to the Mountain. It was a long journey, with the pace they were in, it would take roughly 6 hours to get there and surprisingly, Raven and Wick. At first Clarke was worried for her friend but Raven and Wick had an agreement that when she got tired or it hurt too much that he would carry her much like he did when they returned so it was all good. The trip was mostly made in silence or small conversations in certain groups but Clarke wasn’t feeling up to be talking much so she mostly listened to what the others said. And by midday, they finally arrived by the Mountain’s entrance and they all stopped.

“We will take an hour to rest and then we begin.” She said out loud for them to hear and they nodded everyone sat down on the grass in groups and Clarke, Raven, Bellamy and Wick sat down together to eat something and to rest, “How are you feeling, Raven?” Clarke asked her friend as they leaned against the metal door.

“I’m fine. I mean it hurts but that is my new normal now so there is that,” Raven said shrugging it off and Clarke nodded.

“Let’s do some work on that leg, okay?” She said and the mechanic sighed before she nodded begrudgingly as Clarke started doing a few PT movements. She had been studying how to best help her friend. They continued on for a few more minutes before Clarke stopped, “And now? How are you feeling?” She asked Raven and the girl smiled.

“Much better, thanks Clarke,” Raven said honestly, and the blonde shook her head.

“You’re welcome.” Clarke said as she stood up to speak with the others and form groups to organize it better through the remaining time they had before Clarke looked at her father’s watch and saw the time, “Okay, guys, let’s go,” She said to them and they all stood up as she took a deep breath, opened the door and before going in.

This would be the first time she would see again what she did, what she had to do to save her people from a terrible fate and she wasn’t sure how well prepared she was for it, emotionally but she also felt like it was something she needed to do in order to begin to heal. She needed to put them and what she did to them to rest, it would be the only way she could start to try to move forward with her life. The smell hit them right at the start and so they raised the cloths she had them prepare earlier and they all put it on as they came across the first bodies.

“Group A. Bring them out,” She called out and the group stepped forward before they kept on going, designating the groups to take care of the bodies as they saw it on the way, until they got to level 5, “The rest of us will take care of them,” She said to who was left, which included Jasper and moved forward to start working. From the corner of her eyes, she could see Jasper kneeling beside Maya’s body and the tears that fell down his face and she felt her own eyes moisturize with the scene she was seeing.

She looked away from him to give a moment of privacy if he needed and continued with her work. It was not easy to see what she had done, and the bodies of the kids definitely tore something inside of her to carry them outside, but she had to do it. They decided to make all the pyres before lighting them up, so they continued working, everyone in silence, only asking if there was a question about what to do or something work related, otherwise everyone stayed silent. Clarke had asked Raven to check on what the Mountain had to offer along with Wick so that when the teams came to gather it, they already knew what to look for.

And hour, after hour, passed on just like that, without Clarke even noticing it. Bellamy always stayed close to her, she suspected it was just in case she broke down and needed some comfort, but she felt confident that at least she wouldn’t do that here, when she was back in her room, most definitely. However, she didn’t mind his presence, it was a comfort to her, so she didn’t even mention anything to him and just kept working. It took them about 3 hours to get everyone outside and there were about 10 pyres lined up in the entrance of the Mountain.

Once they were done, everyone walked back outside and Clarke asked Bellamy to make a torch and within a couple of minutes he gave her one as they all stood in front of the bodies. “ **I guess if anyone wants to say something to them, now could be the time** ,” Clarke spoke with a strain in her voice and most of them stayed quiet when suddenly a noise appeared out of nowhere and they say a Rover came to their side. They all looked at it with confusion on their faces until the doors opened and Raven came out of it.

They all relaxed and then on the other side Jasper got out but didn’t get very far before he turned back and did something inside the vehicle and soon enough, music was being played out loud as Jasper walked forward and took the torch from Clarke’s hand, without much protest from her and walked forward as he started lighting up the pyres, one after the other before throwing the torch on the last one and walking back to his spot. Clarke understood. There were no words that could make this better, or easier so she guessed Jasper preferred ripping it quickly and she couldn’t fault him for that.

They stayed like that watching the bodies burn in the fire until the pyres all burnt out before without another word being said except for the sound of the music paying, they picked up their things and decided to make their way back home. Raven, Wick, Jasper and Monty went inside the Rover while the others did the track on foot. Raven had asked her to go with them, but Clarke had refused, she wanted to do some penitence by walking all the way back beside she needed sometime alone with her thoughts. Bellamy decided to stay with her and along with the rest of the hundred, they made their way back, arriving really late on camp as Clarke said goodbye to everyone and went straight to her room, where she broke down, with a promise to pick herself right back up tomorrow.


	21. Forming a friendship

Two whole days passed since the day she fought with her generals and some of her people and on the third day, Lexa woke up at the break of dawn to train a little. Luckily, that wicked woman decided to leave her alone for the moment but was still at the village and Lexa had no reason to kick her out yet, so Tessa stayed for these couple of days. Meanwhile, all Lexa did was met with her generals to discuss the next steps and take care of her people, and at the rare time she had to herself, she could only think of Clarke. Nothing she did could take her mind off of the sky girl completely and truly, she doubted something ever could.

So this morning, Lexa decided to do something different so she decided on going to train, after all as Commander, she needed to keep her fighting skills very sharp because she never knew when she would need to use all of them to defend herself and her people, the way she had to do not three days before so she got up put on a sleeveless shirt, her pants and laced up her boots before she made her way out of the tent, ordering her guards to stay behind. She wouldn’t be leaving the camp so there was no reason for them to follow her around, if anyone tried anything, she could take care of it. They all obeyed and stayed where they were.

Lexa decided to go check the training grounds first, as she could hear the warriors fighting and cheering along the way already. They were mostly early risers like herself but still it sparked her curiosity. It was nice to see everyone enjoying their time even though she had to betray the girl she cares about to guarantee that they could all have this. Looking over to them, she knows she did the right thing for her people and she hoped Clarke would realize that she did the right thing for hers even if they and herself don’t recognize it as such.

Lexa spotted Indra and Lincoln who were watching the training ground intensely and when she came closer to them, she could understand why. Octavia was fighting another warrior and they were watching her. As she returned to the Trikru, Lexa had said to Indra that she could continue to train the girl as her second if she wanted and given the talk they had it was obvious the older woman appreciated it and personally, Lexa thought it was a good idea. She really did. However, Octavia was still lacking in many ways that she would have to fix and fix it soon if she planned to fully integrate herself into the Trikru clan.

“ **Commander. What an honor for you to join us** ,” Indra said as she noticed the presence of her beloved Commander. Lincoln also noticed her and bowed his head giving her a small smile to which she returned as she came to stop beside her general to watch the fight. As it happened, it was clear Octavia was winning, she was small but like Lexa herself, she used that as an advantage to help her be faster than her opponents.

“ **She is very  good and has talent for someone that came from the Sky** ,” Lexa commented as she watched attentively the younger girl and Indra nodded her head, “ **She is much stronger and determinate than most of the Skaikru I have seen so far** ,” Lexa said as she watched Octavia finalize the guy and win the fight.

“ **But there is a lot for her to learn yet** ,” Indra said agreeing with her and Lexa nodded, Octavia was learning what most seconds already knew but she was good.

“ **Okay, who’s next?** ” Octavia said smirking and just before the man beside her stepped forward, Lexa stopped him and stepped forward herself, making everyone stop what they were doing and watch as the Commander came to the center of the ring. Even Octavia was shocked about this turn of event.

“ **I will fight you, Octavia kom Trikru** ,” Lexa said out loud and all the warriors cheered for her. It was not so common for a Commander to join them in fighting like this so when she did, it was deeply appreciated and very exciting for all of the warriors. Many of them had a more attentive look since they would also try to learn from her, after all Lexa was the best fighter among the army of the 12 clans. A fact proven, time and time again.

“ **Commander, I…** ” Octavia started but Lexa cut her off.

“ **Indra is a great teacher but there is something only I can teach you. Something incredibly valued so let’s start. Pick your weapon** ,” She said to the girl and Octavia did just that.

They had been training with wooden swords and staffs so Octavia picked two swords as she twirled them in her hands, despite her nerves, before returning to her fighting position, finally noticing the lack of weapon in the Commander’s hands as she crossed her hands behind her back in her signature pose which was something everyone seemed to notice as well and was surprised by it. What was their fearless commander playing at? Lexa just continued to watch Octavia approaching her with a questioning look in her eyes.

“ **You’re ready?** ” Lexa said looking directly at her and Octavia looked at her Commander surprised by the question.

“ **Commander, your weapons**. You still haven’t picked them up,” She said motioning to her empty hands, but Lexa just shook her head.

“Do not worry about that. If you are ready, then start this fight,” Lexa said in her calm, but powerful voice and Octavia could only nod her head before she got into fighting stance and prepared herself to fight the older, more experienced girl. On the other hand, Lexa maintained her calm posture, closed her eyes and breathed deeply before she let herself empty her mind.

Octavia was confused by the Commander’s actions but decided to take the opportunity to strike Lexa with the sword on her right hand, but the Commander ducked out of the way and it missed her as she twirled around, dodging it. Octavia stepped back as Lexa opened her eyes and everyone was in awe. She just dodged a move she didn’t even see coming without removing her arms from behind her. Lexa gave her a nod and Octavia got ready again, this time doing the same thing but from the left side and again Lexa dodged it like it was nothing.

“ **Again** ,” Lexa ordered the girl and Octavia now attacked her simultaneously and Lexa continued to dodge her movements and the excitement and tension in everyone was rising. They were in complete awe of their Commander, Indra included as she was already used to the girl’s unusual techniques. Lexa continued to dance away from the blows Octavia tried to deliver and the girl was getting impatient and her temper was rising and unbeknownst to her, that is exactly what Lexa wanted. She had a goal in mind, and she would achieve it.

They continued like that for a few more minutes until Lexa started to see that Octavia was acting purely based on anger and frustration from not getting even close to hitting her. Finally, she thought. With another angry cry, Octavia lunged forward with everything she had, and Lexa simply grabbed and twisted her arm, bringing Octavia’s back against her front while everyone else held their breaths to what was going to happen now that the Commander has decided to strike back. Octavia tried to get out of the grip Lexa had on her, but she found she couldn’t. No matter how much she tried, Lexa had her exactly where she wanted her.

Then, Lexa simply let her go with a push that sent her rolling on the ground. The commander then approached and kicked away the two swords. “ **Get up and fight me** ,” She ordered and Octavia did just that, lunging forward with a series of punches that Lexa easily dodged before she started to thrown punches back and although Octavia was a good warrior, it was obvious she was no match to the strength, the agility that Lexa showed as punch after punch landed on her face. She tried to defend herself, but Lexa was too fast for her.

Octavia tried punching the commander again, to fight back but the only thing she accomplished was to give Lexa the perfect chance to flip her over in the air and have her back landing heavily on the ground as the air left her lungs before Lexa pushed her knee on her chest, practically crunching down on top of the younger Blake as Lexa looked at her in the eye. “ **You are a good warrior, Octavia kom Trikru but as I showed you now, you are lacking in important ways** ,” Lexa said before she released Octavia.

“Get your wounds treated and then come find me. We have much to discuss,” Lexa said to her and motioned for Lincoln to come and help his lover out of the fighting pit before she turned to some other warrior and another second, she was judging by the look in his face and extended her arm. “ **You. Come and fight** ,” She point at a warrior who came in front of her, with fear and admiration in his eyes. She clasped his shoulders before pointing at another warrior and motioning for him to also step forward.

“Fight him.” She said and they both let a relieved breath that they wouldn’t be fighting her. She made her way out of there and came to stop in front of Indra while the warriors she selected started to fight each other and the others watched. Indra looked at her commander.

“ **Commander. What are you planning on doing with her?** ” Indra dared to ask.

“ **Do not worry, Indra. I will only teach her a few things that are necessary if she wants to stay here. I will not harm your second. Much** ,” Lexa said with a smirk on her face before she moved past her general going back to her own tent. She had some breakfast and thought about what she was going to do with Octavia and without realizing, some time had passed and Kia came to tell her that Octavia was waiting for her.

She buckled the belt of her coat and grabbed her sword, shoulder pad and walked out of the tent and both Lincoln and Octavia were waiting for her at the bottom of the hill. “ **Lincoln, go and help the hunting team and Octavia, follow me** ,” She gave them their orders and started walking away before she quickly heard footsteps getting closer until the girl was walking beside her. “You must be wondering why I have asked you to walk with me. Truth is we have much to talk about, you and I,” Lexa said as Octavia listened.

“You are angry with Clarke and me for what we let happen in TonDC. Are you not?” Lexa asked her directly and Octavia looked at the older girl not knowing what to answer. There were certainly things she wanted to say but there was also the respect she owed to the commander now that she was officially Trikru, a battle inside of her mind which Lexa must have sensed it. “Speak freely,” She said, and Octavia sighed.

“How could you have done it? How could you let innocent people, your people die just like that? How could you not protect them from that missile?” she said coldly.

“Very good. This is what I wished to discuss with you. You have never been a leader, have you Octavia?” Lexa asked her and Octavia shook her head.

“I haven’t really been around people until we fell down here so, no,” She said shrugging and Lexa nodded absorbing the information.

“And that is exactly the reason why you ask such questions because you are not a leader. You are strong yes, but mostly you follow someone else. Your brother, Clarke, Indra, even Lincoln. You follow and you don’t understand the orders you are given so you do the only thing you know, you rebel against it,” Lexa said to her and Octavia tightened her jaw.

“When you are a leader and hundreds, thousands of lives are dependent on you, and you alone, when they look up to you to tell them where to go, what to do, who to kill, look up to you to protect them and care for them, their families, their children. To win a war against a powerful enemy, you are forced to make hard decisions, decisions which you wish you never had to make, that you never thought yourself capable of making but as a leader, you do it anyway and you bear the responsibility and the consequences so your people don’t have to. So, they can sleep peacefully at night even if you are haunted by nightmares,” Lexa said gently, and Octavia really listened to what she was saying.

“So what? What you did is okay? Is right?” Octavia asked and Lexa shook her head.

“There is nothing right or okay about what I chose to do with the information I was given, but it was the best choice for all of us at the moment. The same way the choice of leaving your friends at the Mountain was the best choice for my people and Clarke irradiating the mountain was the best choice for hers. None of us feel good or are okay when we make those choices. But Clarke and I, we are leaders and believe me, the sacrifices we are forced to make are even greater than the ones you judge us for,” Lexa said to her and stopped walking.

“She betrayed me. She left me to die there,” Octavia said with pain and anger in her voice and they both knew she was talking about Clarke.

“I know, but you don’t know that she is also the only reason why you are still alive.” Lexa said and Octavia looked at her confusedly.

“What are you talking about?” She asked the Commander.

“During one of your watches, I ordered Ryder to kill you because I thought you couldn’t be trusted with the knowledge of the bomb but Clarke somehow figured it out, stopped him from killing you and she convinced me that you were trustworthy while she also threatened me to leave you alone,” Lexa told her honestly and Octavia was beyond shocked.

“I had no idea about that.” Octavia said and she really didn’t. She had no idea that Clarke had done that for her despite everything she had said to the girl after she learned of the bomb.

“If you think making the choice was easy for me or for her, then clearly you are denser than I believed the Sky People to be. I know you felt betrayed by Clarke, your friend, but you have to understand that the one who made the choice was Clarke the leader. You must learn to see the difference, Octavia,” Lexa said to her and touched her arm making the girl look at her.

“Indra thinks that you and I have a lot in common and I think I am starting to see that as well and I know you have no loyalty to me but maybe we can start to change that,” Lexa said to her as Octavia thought about it before she nodded her head.

“I think I can give you a chance, as long as you promise not to kill me,” The younger girl said to her and Lexa gave her a smirk in return.

“We will see about that, now come, there is much I would like to show you,” Lexa said to her and they continued walking and talking about many things and with Lexa teaching Octavia many things she needed to learn to make it in the Trikru clan.


	22. New Job

The two days that they had agreed on had passed and after the emotional roller coaster that burning the bodies of the Mountain Men had been for him, Jasper was more than ready to accept the Commander’s invitation and go help her and her people rebuild something that the Mountain Men had destroyed. However he knew that it would not be easy, ever since he came back, he felt like they were waiting for him to explode and if he had to stay here today, he would so he needed to find a way to leave and Wick was the only one who would help him.

So with that in mind, Jasper made his way through the station and into the engineer’s workshop to find him there working on something. Jasper closed the door behind him and went to the guy. “Hey Wick,” Jasper greeted as the guy looked up at him and smiled.

“Hey, Jasper. How are you?” He said extending his hand as the boy shook it.

“I am in desperate need of your help,” He said with a pleading look on his face and the engineer took a deep breath.

“Man, the last time you said that, you took a gun to go hunting the Commander. I can’t help you do that again,” Wick said to him firmly.

Jasper shook his head. “I know, it was stupid but I don’t want to kill the Commander at all. I swear,” He said but the guy didn’t seem much convinced so he tried another approach and hoped this one would do the trick, “Look, I know I can’t ask you to trust me but I think I have found a healthy way to help me with my grief. However, this healthy and safe way is on the other side of that electric fence, so I need you to help me. I left that day with one goal in mind and that was to kill the Commander and you know what I want now?”

“I want to honor Maya’s memory and sacrifice. I want to be the kind of person that she would have wanted me to be, to do what she would want me to do, to be better and for me to do all of that, I need to leave this place. It’s just for the day, I will be back by nightfall, unharmed and with no war following me. Please, Wick. You’re the only one I can trust to help me right now,” Jasper said with all the honesty he could muster, and he gathered that Wick must have seen it for the guy finally nodded his head.

“Okay, I will help you Jasper,” He said relenting and Jasper smiled, pleased that he managed to get Wick on his side for this.

“Thank you. It means a lot to me, dude. You have no idea,” Jasper thanked him and Wick nodded before he went up and picked the radio to give it to the younger guy.

“When you’re at the fence, radio me and I will disable it for you to get away,” He told Jasper who took the radio before giving the engineer a big hug.

“Thank you so much.” Jasper said before pulling back, “But I have another favor to ask, please don’t tell anyone that I left and if they find out, tell them that I am doing some healing and that I will be fine and back here by night, for them not to worry or do anything stupid, okay?” Jasper asked and Wick nodded. “I got you.” He said.

Jasper then grabbed his bag and made his way out of there and out of the station, he pulled up the hood of his jacket and made for the back of the fence, making sure no one noticed him before he radioed Wick who did his part and Jasper snuck out of the camp and in the direction of the river where he agreed to meet with Lexa who was already there waiting for him. She had thought about why she wanted to help him so much but the only answer she could come up with was a memory of when she was losing her way after Costia’s death and Anya picked her up and helped her through it. Somehow, she wanted to do the same for Jasper which is how they found themselves in this situation.

This time, since her senses were sharp and on alert, she was able to hear him coming from a mile away and waited for him to come to the clearing and he did with a smile on his face and she gave him another one in return. “Jasper of the Sky People, I was starting to think you wouldn’t come,” She said as she extended her arm for him to shake which he did.

“Sorry, I had some trouble trying to get out of camp, but I got it covered so we are good,” He explained to her and she nodded her head at him.

“Very well, shall we go then?” She said and he nodded before they started moving towards the forest with Lexa leading them, of course. “So, are you excited?” She asked him and he nodded.

“Very much. I almost couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it. I mean, I am glad to be going with you to help, but also kind of scared? I don’t exactly have a good track record with your people,” He said to her and she looked at him.

“Well, I know you were speared at the border and strung as live bait as soon as the 100 fell down. But I don’t know of anything else.” She said and he shifted on his feet nervously not knowing if he should say it, “Hey, no one will seek retaliation for what you did. It’s fine if you don’t want to say it but you don’t need to be afraid,” Lexa said to him and he looked at her.

“You know when a woman named Anya went to talk to Clarke about peace?” he asked and she nodded. She remembered the incident from what Anya told her, “Well, I was the one who started shooting at your people.” He said and she looked at him. “I know, I’m sorry but it’s just that I saw them, and they had arrows and spears aimed at Clarke and I didn’t want her to get hurt like I did so I started shooting but I shouldn’t have…” He was saying but she cut him before he could continue.

“Jasper, breathe.” She said and he did just that, “Well, you shouldn’t have shot my people just like that. If Anya did not give them a sign to shoot, they wouldn’t have so perhaps you did get ahead of yourself but you were trying to protect your friend and given what was your impression of us, I think many in your place would have done the same so there is no need for so many apologies. It’s in the past and we must move forward.” She said and he nodded.

“Thank you for understanding.” He said and she nodded.

“Now, how was your return home that day? Did they notice you were gone? Did they find out why?” She asked him and he nodded his head.

“Yeah, my friend Monty put it together that killing you was what I had in mind, but I got back before they gathered a search team to get me back,” He answered her, and she nodded.

“Very good. I’ll assume that they thought the worst of my people,” Lexa said more like a statement and he agreed. They had thought he had been kidnapped or worse, “That shows how much they care for you,” She said to him and he shrugged.

“I don’t know, sometimes I think they do and other times, I think they don’t,” He said to her sincerely and she frowned at him as they continued their track towards TonDC.

“Why do you think they don’t care about you?” She asked him and he sighed.

“It’s just, everyone has their thing, you know. Clarke and Bellamy are the leader team. Monty and Raven are the engineering team and so on and they all bring something to the group, they all contribute with something but I don’t. I don’t have any skills, like theirs or talent. Sometimes, I just think I’m a burden,” He said sadly, and she looked at him.

“That is because you are focusing your energy in trying to be like them and do what they do but not everyone is cut out to be like that,” Lexa said and he looked at her as she went to explain, “Take my people for example, we are mostly made of warriors but even our warriors, have other abilities that in times of peace are used for the good of the people. Some are blacksmiths, they forge beautiful weapons for us, that are used as gifts. We have farmers who plant our crops and grow our food, we have riders who find us horses, we have healers, teachers, merchants, singers, musicians, painters, even drunks,” She said and he smiled at that, “What matters is that they are happy doing what they do, they like it and even the smallest of contributions make up for the bigger picture we create by working together,”

“You may think that the role you play on your team of friends is small, that is less than what Raven or Monty or Bellamy or anyone else does and yes, perhaps is smaller but that does not means it’s less important or less necessary than all the rest. Each one of us have our special thing, our own special skill and it is important, even when we can’t see it for ourselves, only through the eyes of others,” She said to him and he nodded absorbing her words. His contribution may have been small, but he was the one who had finished changing the blasters from the dropship. He had played his part.

“We are close, come. We should be there in a few minutes,” Lexa said to him as she urged them to pick up the pace and Jasper tried his best to follow her and much like she had said, in about 10 minutes, they came out of the woods to see a very large space and he could see where part of the destruction happened.

“This is where the missile hit the village, wasn’t it?” He asked her and she nodded.

“Yes, they hit exactly the center of TonDC,” She answered his question and he nodded.

“How are you going to rebuild with all of these rubles?” He asked her and she smirked.

“Did you think that we know nothing of construction?” She asked him and he sheepishly nodded, “Well, then let me prove you wrong. We are good builders. Not every house we live in survived the first bombs, some had to be made from scratch and with time, the techniques were being perfected so know we can rebuild from the worst of rubles if we put our minds to it. Come on, let’s go. There is much work to be done,” She said as she led him.

“What about your people? How will they react to my presence here?” He asked her as he noticed the stares but he didn’t know if it was directed to him or to her.

“Don’t worry. Indra has debriefed them that you would be joining and that anyone who harms you will face severe punishment. You are perfectly safe. Trust me,” He nodded as they walked towards the center. “Master Ygor,” Lexa called the man who turned to look at her and bowed his head to her in respect.

“Heda,” He said greeting her respectfully and she nodded at him.

“Jasper, this is Master Ygor. He is the expert in construction in all of the 12 clans. Master Ygor, this is a friend of mine. Jasper of the Sky People,” Lexa introduced them, “Master Ygor is overseeing the project I made.” She said and Jasper looked at her.

“You made the project?” He asked her surprised and she nodded.

“Yes, come take a look. Give me your bag first,” She asked and he did just as she asked and she put it along with her own stuff before pulling him forward towards a table that was right in the middle with a sort of map on top of it but when Jasper got a close look, he could see it was the grounder version of a blueprint and he was fascinated by it.

“You made this?” He asked Lexa who nodded her head as she focused on looking over it.

“Spent the last two nights working on it but yes, it’s mine. The last village was good but it was small. This time, it will be bigger and stronger than it was before so Ygor is helping me with some of the details,” Lexa said to Jasper who simply watched her in awe.

“Like this one, Heda, look, here I believe it would be better done this way because…” The master said and soon Jasper joined their conversation and even gave some pointers as well before started the hard work. The rumbles. They were removing the stone and both Jasper and Lexa went to help. They worked hard on it.

Both of them had to take off their jacket and they were left with only their inner shirt as they worked under the hot sun and the warm weather. It didn’t take long for Jasper to start opening up to the helpers that were working with them and for them to give him a chance as well. They knew he was under the Commander’s protection and that he was Skaikru, but they didn’t know why he was there, and it was not their place to ask. However, as the times went on, he started making a few lame jokes and they started opening up too.

“So how are things going with your friends? Have you talked to them?” Lexa said to him as she passed him the rocks and he passed to another warrior.

“No, not yet. Sometimes I want to but then I remember what they did, and I just want distance from all of them, you know?” He said to her as they continued to work, and she nodded.

“I understand it and it’s better to take some distance from them than saying things you may regret later just to hurt them like how you are hurting. But even when you remember what they did, go to them and talk to them. Tell them how you feel, respectfully if possible. Explain your side of things and let them do the same,” Lexa advised him, and he nodded.

Lexa passed him a heavy rock and he was having a hard time holding it, his breath was becoming ragged from the strength he was using to turn around so he just walked sideways before the warrior beside him, Arryn took pity on him and moved to get it from him. Jasper fell to the ground as soon as the rock was out of his arms and the others started laughing. “ **He looked like a crab, Commander. Looking red, walking like that,** _”_ A warrior said laughing and she gave a small laugh of her own at that.

“What did he say?” Jasper asked her breathily.

“He said you look like a crab. It’s a red animal that walk sideways,” Lexa answered him honestly with a smile on her face and he chuckled at the joke.

“Well, thank you very much for the compliment,” He said to the guy who started chuckling. “How did you grab that thing like it was a feather?” He asked Lexa who shrugged.

“Heda might look fragile but she is stronger than many warriors I have seen,” Another warrior said out loud and Jasper nodded his head rapidly at that comment.

“Yeah, I think I just witnessed that first hand. Damn girl. You rocking them muscles,” Jasper joked and everyone around them started laughing.

They worked until late in the afternoon before Jasper had to say goodbye and Lexa brought him back all the way towards the clearing which they met earlier. “Thank you for everything you are doing for me, Commander. I appreciate it. Today was very good and I had fun. Thank you for helping me,” He said to him and she nodded.

“It was my pleasure, Jasper. How about we meet again, same time tomorrow morning?” She asked him and he nodded saluting.

“Ma’am, yes, ma’am,” He said to her before he left back to camp and so did she.

Once back in his camp, Jasper went straight to his bedroom and threw himself on the bed, sore and tired form a day’s work but feeling very satisfied and accomplished and as he closed his eyes, almost drifting off to sleep, he could see he saw Maya’s face smiling down at him as if she was acknowledging what he was doing and encouraging it. That is what it felt like and he hoped he was on the right path for that, to help others and to be better for Maya, for his people, for his friends, for his family and especially for himself.


	23. Maybe Friends

A week later, Lexa woke up very early in the morning as usual. In the time that has passed already, Lexa and Octavia have been spending a great amount of time together whenever Lexa was not busy with the construction or with her Commander duties. And when the young girl wasn’t training with Indra, she was following Lexa around the camp. It’s weird to think but somehow, they had come to an understanding about each other they didn’t have before this short period of time they had spent together. Lexa has also been helping Octavia understand more and more how things are done on the ground and why.

It wasn’t easy for Octavia to grasp the reasons for some of the choices that leaders are supposed to make or to open up a little to Lexa and trust her but after the first interaction between them she had decided to do it, to give her a chance, especially since she was to be her Commander and now she was learning to see things from a different point of view. As for Lexa, she has seen the potential Octavia has and decided to help the girl discover it and harness it as Lexa believed that she could be an even greater warrior than she already was.

They have also been training together early in the morning every day. Obviously, Octavia still hasn’t been able to hit Lexa even once, but she is trying, persisting, not letting that put her down. Something that Lexa admired in the younger girl was her perseverance, even when she fell down repeatedly, she would get back up ready to have another go. That was an important skill to have as a warrior. As for her people, they have been getting better and stronger by the day, something that made her heart and mind sigh in relief. They would be okay.

Of course, they have lost some of the people that were rescued from the Mountain, people whose situations were really critical and there was nothing Nyko could have done to help save them. Their bodies were burnt, and the families were notified, but in the end, the majority of the rescued has survived and therefore in Lexa’s eyes, that was to be considered a victory. And overseeing them and their recovery is exactly where Octavia found her Commander as she watched her people with a faraway look on her face as her thoughts ran all over the place.

She was lost in her thoughts when she noticed Octavia coming behind her even without turning around to look. She smirked. The girl didn’t give up in trying to catch her by surprise, no matter that all her attempts as well as this one has failed, she seemed to find it a challenge. And that persistence was more impressive as it was amusing. “You will need to do better than this to catch me off guard,” Lexa said just as the girl was about to attack and Octavia sighed.

“Really? You know what I am starting to believe?” The girl said coming to stand beside Lexa who had an amused smirk on her face.

“What is that?” Lexa asked her, curious to what the girl would say.

“You must have eyes on your back. No joking. I’m serious, there is no other explanation,” Octavia said seriously, and Lexa let out a small chuckle.

“I do not have eyes on my back. However, learning to always be aware of your surroundings is a skill that someone in a position of power like me must master it as soon as possible since it can be the difference between life or death.” She said and Octavia hummed.

“You had to use it a lot?” She asked the older girl and Lexa nodded her head.

“Especially at the beginning of the Coalition, when I didn’t know who was friend and who was foe. It came in handy when the assassins came to kill me in my sleep. Too many times,” Lexa explained, remembering a few of those times, and Octavia nodded.

“Impressive.” She admitted and Lexa smirked, at the awe in the girl’s voice.

“So, what brings you here?” Lexa asked as Octavia smirked.

“I was wondering if you would like to spar with me since we haven’t done so yet today,” She spoke, and Lexa looked at her shaking her head.

“You are something else, Octavia kom Trikru,” Lexa said chuckling out loud and Octavia nodded her head.

“Damn right, I am,” She said confidently, and Lexa turned to her.

“Very well. Lead the way,” Octavia nodded, and they started the familiar path to the clearing they have been using to train. It’s far away from the village and gives them privacy to train and talk as perhaps, friends? Something they have been doing a lot these past couple of days.

At first, Lexa felt some kind of resistance from Octavia to talk to her but slowly she was letting that go talking about her life on the Ark, how her brother took care of her, how she met Lincoln and Lexa was also talking to her about things that happened to her, her years as a second, stories about Indra and so on. As they trained, Lexa had the upper hand, obviously. She could see and she knew that Octavia was a smart warrior, but she was still too rash, and Lexa told her exactly that as she helped the girl to her feet.

“You are not thinking enough,” She said as the girl looked at her panting.

“What?” Octavia asked Lexa confusedly and the older girl just smirked.

“In a fight, when you let your emotions get the best of you, you die. You must learn to control them, so they are not a hindrance to you. Right now, you’re getting frustrated that you can’t win and your moves are letting me know that. You’re letting me know what you are going to do before you even make the move. To fight, you must use your emotions as fuel but you’re in charge of how high and in what direction the flames will burn,” Lexa said to the younger girl.

“Is that what you do when you fight?” Octavia wondered and Lexa nodded.

“I have to. I am smaller than my warriors, if I don’t use my intelligence, they will kill me. The same thing goes for you, you can’t let your emotions cloud your judgment and rule you or else, you’re dead in a second.” Lexa explained, Octavia nodded as she seemed to be wondering if she could say something, Lexa could see it in her face and so she sighed.

“Go ahead and ask me what you clearly seem to want to ask by the way you are fidgeting,” She said dismissively, and Octavia turned to look at her.

“Is that what you did in the Mountain? Ruled your emotions instead of following your heart?” She asked the Commander and Lexa tensed at her words but decided to answer.

“Yes, like I said to Clarke, I made that decision to leave the Sky People behind with my head and not my heart,” Lexa said, as she clenched her jaw a little.

“Because your heart would have chosen Clarke?” The younger girl asked, and Lexa looked at her trying to hide her shock.

“I have no idea what you are talking about, Octavia,” Lexa said dismissively, but Octavia only chuckled at the poor attempt to deny what was clear to see.

“Oh, come on. You’re in love with Clarke, I know. I have seen you two in the same room. A sword could cut the sexual tension between you two,” She said chuckling and Lexa sighed.

“Yes, my heart would have stayed with Clarke.” Lexa said, deciding that denial would not get her anywhere in this conversation, besides it wasn’t like Octavia would put either one of them in danger with the information.

“How the hell did that happen?” Octavia asked as she smiled trying to put the Commander more at ease and Lexa sighed.

“I don’t know. It just happened. The moment she entered my tent that day, I just felt there was something special about her. That we had a connection. I could see her, really see her as she could see me,” Lexa said as she remembered that moment. She would never forget that moment when she looked up to the most beautiful blue eyes, when she heard the most beautiful voice and saw the most beautiful woman she had ever seen, despite all the bruises.

“And through the days, the more time we spent together planning the attack, the more she started to see me too. The real me, not just the Commander but Lexa. She helped bring back to life a part of me that I had denied for so long and brought hope back into my life, and all of that and the person that she is, all of it made me admire her and most importantly, made me fall in love with her,” Lexa said as she thought about the girl with sunshine in her hair and the sky trapped in her eyes that have captured Lexa in a way no one has ever done before.

“Are you serious?” Octavia pondered in awe of the Commander’s choice of words to describe a bit of her feelings for her blonde friend.

“Yes, I am very serious,” Lexa answered her, nodding her head as Octavia frowned for a moment as she contemplated something, and Lexa could see that. “What is it?” Lexa asked and Octavia looked up in doubt if she should say it. “I’m here as your friend, not your Commander. Go ahead and say it,” Lexa said and Octavia nodded.

“If you are in love with her, why did you abandon her at Mount Weather?” Octavia asked her the question she had been thinking about for a while, ever since she put two and two together in relation to the Commander’s feelings for Clarke.

Lexa was not surprised that was the question but answered it anyway, “Because my duty to my people has to come before anything, even my own life which is why despite what I feel for her, I did what I did. Because it was the right thing for my people and that is a burden I will always carry. You see, Clarke and I are leaders and we understand each other, understand what it means to be a good leader, the decisions we must make and all of that but there is a difference between us that she does not understand yet,” Lexa came closer to Octavia.

“She has other people to count on, to depend on to make the choices with her. She has your people’s forgiveness if she makes a mistake. She could even leave them if that’s what she wanted because there are others that can do the job to lead them for her. There is no one that can do my job except me. I am only one person who has the lives of thousands others resting on my shoulders and mine alone,” Lexa explained as Octavia listened.

“I must rule with wisdom, strength and compassion because one decision from me and the lives of everyone can be altered, which is why what I want for myself is irrelevant in the face of what my people need. As a person, I am irrelevant. My wants, my needs, my wishes, it does not matter, not one bit. I am what my people needs me be. I give what my people needs me to give because if I don’t, chaos and death is what awaits them and I will not let that happen,”

“So that is why what I feel for Clarke did not change my decision in the Mountain and never would have. However, I did hesitate for a couple of seconds before I was able to give them my answer, something I had never done before. Especially not in crucial moments like that and I only did it because of my feelings for her, so believe me if I say that what I feel for Clarke is stronger than anything I have ever felt before for anyone, even if I betrayed her,” Lexa finished her explanation and Octavia was awestruck.

“Wow, that’s deep,” She whispered, and Lexa smiled a little.

“It is,” She said as she nodded her head in agreement.

“So, since your feelings for her are so strong, I am assuming you plan to tell her about it sometime soon?” Octavia asked and Lexa chuckled as she looked up.

“She already knows about my feelings. We kissed before we received Bellamy’s signal before the battle. She told me she was not ready to be with anyone, not yet. But now, after my betrayal at the mountain…” Lexa drifted off and Octavia picked up.

“The not yet might have turned into a not ever,” She understood the situation and Lexa nodded sighing a little dejected.

“Exactly, and I don’t blame her for that. I knew the second that deal was presented to me that taking it, which is what I knew I had to do, would cost me any chance with her in that way or in any way, really. On the positive side, at least I know where I stand with her at the moment. She can barely tolerate my presence,” Lexa said as she turned and walked towards the water canteen they had brought.

“But it is not too late.” Octavia said as she went to Lexa’s side as the older girl turned to her with an incredulous look on her face.

“What do you mean is not too late?” Lexa asked and Octavia took a deep breath.

“You can still win her back. If I know Clarke enough and despite everything, I think I do, she cares about you a lot, which is why the betrayal stung so deeply. It makes perfect sense now. Anyway, what I mean is Clarke is a forgiving person, it’s in her nature to give people second chances. It’s both endearing and infuriating but that’s just Clarke’s best definition,” Octavia said and Lexa nodded, agreeing with that statement.

“I know but it doesn’t matter right now. What I did in the Mountain ruined my chances and even if it didn’t, right now wouldn’t be a good time for me to even try and have a relationship with her, if it would ever be. I will be leaving for Polis soon enough, the distance is better, believe me. Things are the way they are supposed to be and will stay that way and you know what?” Lexa said and continued before Octavia could speak up, “I have to go to TonDC to help with the construction, do you want to join me?”

“I see what you did there, trying to change the subject. I’ll let it pass this time and yes, I would like to go. I still haven’t seen how it’s going,” Octavia said, admitting momentarily defeat on the subject but silently promising to bring it up again.

They grabbed their thing and made their way back to camp to get properly dressed before they went on their way to TonDC. As soon as they got there, an hour and a half later, Octavia was surprised by how much had been done in just one week of reconstruction. There used to be a huge crater and rubbles where the missile had hit the village, but now it wasn’t there anymore. The ground was being leveled, making it plain again and the rubbles were being used to start the building of the houses as the village was looking even bigger than before.

“So, what do you think?” Lexa asked the younger girl as she watched the whirlwind of emotions that were on display on Octavia’s face.

“It looks amazing,” The younger Blake said with awe in her voice.

“I did what I had to do to win the war, but I never planned on leaving my people without being properly taken care of. TonDC is the heart of Trikru and deserves to remain steady and standing, always. Which is why I am rebuilding it to be even better, stronger than it was before,” Lexa said with pride in her voice. Octavia nodded her head, agreeing with her and was about to say something when she noticed someone in the middle of the workers, and it took her no time at all to recognize who it was. Jasper.

Octavia looked at Lexa in surprise and shock and the Commander only gave her a small smile before she started speaking, “Jasper came to me in a moment of need and given how I can understand his situation, I offered him a chance to help us rebuild the village.”

“Do the Sky People know? Does Clarke know about this?” Octavia asked her, knowing that this could be a potentially bad situation for everyone involved.

“Why don’t you go and ask him? And take the moment to relax a little and spend some time with your friend. I am sure he will be pleased to speak with you. Go,” Lexa ushered her forward and Octavia wasted no time before she moved towards the place where Jasper was and Lexa watched as the two friends were reunited, hugging each other tightly with big smiles plastered on their faces and she was prod to see that indeed, work has been good to Jasper and maybe Octavia’s presence was exactly the last piece he needed to fully take advantage of this time to let himself heal. Lexa then turned around and moved to go help her people as well.


	24. Responsibilities Once Again

A week has passed in the newly named Arkadia. It had been Kane’s idea to change the name after all, Jaha was alive and on his way to this City of Light last he heard of. Clarke didn’t know very well about that, after all she had been too preoccupied with dealing with the grounders by the time he left along with Murphy and given the fact that they lived on the Ark, she thought it was a good name to reflect their past and their future. Besides, she didn’t exactly have the best track record with the man responsible for her father’s death, so she was definitely on board with the name changing decision.

As for everyone else on their small settlement, it had been a very busy week. Bellamy was officially made a guard, a high ranking official and even received his newly reformed jacket. Clarke could see that he was quite happy about it. Bellamy was a protector by nature and now that Octavia was gone to make a life for herself away from him, he needed something else to fulfill that place in his life and their people was the perfect choice for that and she was happy for him. After everything he did for them at the Mountain and even at the Battle on the Dropship, he deserved to be recognized for it and Clarke was glad Kane did that for him.

As for Raven, not long after being released from the MedBay, the mechanic delved into work with renewed disposition and would be seen working and joking around with Wick. Clarke made sure to stipulate that she could only do that if she attended PT with the blonde 3 times a week and of course, at first, the brunette protested and missed the first session but when Clarke gave her a fright when she threatened to have the brunette cut off from work, Raven readily started coming and they would use the time together to talk about everything and anything at all, actually enjoying the carefree time they spend together and despite her initial reluctance, Raven had to admit her leg was much less painful now than it was before.

Clarke wasn’t used to helping patients with physical therapy, she had truly never done it before but from the data Monty was able to get from Mount Weather and from what she already knew, the blonde was able to create a routine of exercise for her friend to do with her leg and hip to lessen the pain and discomfort. Clarke was trying to help her in any way she could which was something Raven appreciated a lot and told her so. Clarke was also studying her situation closely along with Abby to see if with the technology in Mount Weather, there is something that they could do for the girl to help reverse the damage to her leg.

For Monty and Jasper, things seemed to be going fine from what Clarke could gather during her talks with Monty. She would see the young engineer almost every day since he worked with Raven and Wick. He was always there when Clarke would go to get Raven for their session, so they talked to each other a lot too. But Jasper, Clarke hadn’t spoken to him much, in fact she barely saw him during the day. She would maybe catch a glimpse of him in the morning or at night but that was all. However, about three days before when he passed by her, he gave her a small smile and she considered that a victory.

For Clarke though, things were quiet. She was usually either helping her Mom in MedBay, working with Raven for her PT, with her friends talking or in her room drawing. She was taking some time away from the spotlight of leadership and now that there was peace with the grounders, she felt she could be more than just a leader and she was enjoying that very much. It had been good to help her deal with her own problems. She still had nightmares every night but there was some variation to them. Some would be bad, some would be better, some would be longer, some shorter and so on.

Another thing she would seem prone to do these days was to sit down against the metal structure of the station outside and just think about Lexa. She tried to get the woman out of her heart and out of her mind, but it seemed that the more she tried, the more the brunette engraved herself inside of Clarke’s mind, her heart, her soul. After some time, she simply gave up trying to fight it and would just let her mind wonder around the brunette. Clarke was losing count how many drawings would be started with her in mind and would end up taking her form or would be somehow related to her. Today was no different.

Clarke was drawing the back view of Lexa, her braids were particularly difficult to draw, and she was so absorbed by her drawings that she almost didn’t notice someone sitting down beside her before she looked up and saw that it was Kane with a soft smile on his face. His friendship was a pleasant surprise, he was taking the role of the cool Uncle who she could talk to when she thought she couldn’t talk to her mom or her friends and she was thankful for that, besides he was the only one who knew about the connection between her and Lexa.

“The Commander?” he asked motioning to the drawing and she nodded.

“Yeah, the more I draw her, the more shapes and forms I think of to draw her more. No matter how much I try, I can’t seem to stop it,” Clarke answered honestly.

“I can understand that. It must be the same reason why there is not one place you go that the book doesn’t go with you,” He said motioning to the book sitting on her lap, the one Lexa gave her. Clarke looked at it before shaking her head.

“I just can’t see to let go of it. Of her,” Clarke said more to herself than properly to him but he smiled at her words, nonetheless.

“Maybe there is a good reason for that and you are just not ready to admit it yet. Which is okay and completely understandable,” He said to her and she nodded her head.

“Probably, but you didn’t come here to talk about my conflicting feelings so what is going on? Is it something with my Mom?” She asked him and he sighed.

“Not exactly. Your Mother is a good Chancellor and she is doing a good job, but the council is proving the be difficult. They are not adapting so easily to the ground and the new rules so I am afraid something bad will come from that,” He said to her and she nodded at him.

“That is because they are old people who don’t like change. When they would think about coming to Earth, it would be empty and it would be just like in the Ark but that was not the case and they don’t know what to do so they do what they know best which is be a bunch of douchebags,” She told him honestly and he chuckled nodding his head at her words.

“Yes, more or less, I would say they really are douchebags, as you put it. So, what do you think we should do about it? I don’t have the first clue how to solve this issue. I was hoping you could shed some light on the subject for me,” He said looking at her and she sighed.

“The Young have inherited the Earth, Kane. Adapt the council to the young people as well. Bellamy, Raven, Monty should be a part of it, they know more about this place and how it works than those idiots and they could really help you and mom do things right for our people,” She said to him and he seemed to think over her words before he looked at her.

“You are probably right and I will talk to your mom about it, but if I put them in the council then I want you to be in charge of External Relations, meaning dealing with the grounders,” He said firmly to her and she was shocked.

“Me and Lexa working together again? You’re crazy, Kane. I can’t, I really can’t. Besides, I need some time away from leadership. The last time I took on the role, it took something from me I don’t think I will ever be able to get it back,” Clarke said to him sincerely.

“I know and I am not asking you to give that time up or to do something that you don’t want to do but between all of us, you are the only one the grounders have some sort of respect for.” He said and she shook her head.

“You were the one who brokered the truce with them. She asked for you, specifically remember? That has to count for something,” Clarke reminded him.

“Yes, she did but that choice was made only because she was afraid of what your reaction would be given what happened between the two of you and we both know she was right in thinking that asking for you to come and discuss the truce between our people could potentially be a bad idea,” He said pointedly as she looked away.

“Clarke, you know she trust you more than any of us and not just because she likes you in a romantic way but because she sees how strong and what a good leader you are for us. You are the perfect choice for the part. Can you imagine your Mom doing business with Lexa? How that would turn out?” He said and Clarke shook her head. It would be a disaster. Her mother was getting better at recognizing the younger people in authority, but she was not ready for the hurricane that was Lexa when she was in Commander mode.

She knew Kane was essentially right. If it was to deal with Lexa than she was the best one amongst their people even because she knew how to deal with her already. Even if their feelings for each other were messy and all kinds of complicated but, above all of that, they respected each other so it was a better outcome and Clarke found herself sighing and nodding her head at Kane and replied, “Okay, I accept the post.”

He smiled, very happy she said that, “I am glad and very thankful for that Clarke. However, I am afraid that I already have a mission for you, in regard to your new position on the Council.”

Clarke turned and looked at him in bewilderment, “What?!” She asked him.

“Well, during the meeting today, it was decided that we needed to map out the surrounding areas as well as search for any remaining of the other stations. We know for certain that 4 stations were destroyed during reentry but we were only able to reunite with 2 others so we need to check to see if there are more. For that, we need to have the Commander’s permission to roam her lands and I am sorry to ask you so soon but the faster we start, the faster we can get them back if they are still out there,” He explained and Clarke understood his reasons.

“You want me to go right now?” She asked him and he shrugged his shoulders.

“It would be best because we could start sooner but that is up to you,” He said and she nodded looking ahead and thinking of her decision before she looked back at him.

“I will choose who comes with me,” She demanded pointing a finger at him and he nodded.

“Of course, you’re the boss,” He joked raising his hands in surrender and she smiled at him before he stood up and offered his hand pulling her up too, “Thank you for being so understanding, Clarke.”

“You are right. I know how to deal with them, it’s better than my Mom or another council member trying it and ruining everything in just one meeting. Besides, honestly, it was taking too long before something like this happened, anyway,” She said shrugging her shoulders and he nodded before pulling her for a hug.

“There is a reason why we depend so much on you and it’s because you were born for this, Clarke. It may be hard but it is a part of who you are.” He said and she nodded chuckling.

“Lexa said the same thing to me once,” She told him as she tightened her arms around his waist, and he chuckled patting her back soothingly.

“I hope that is because great minds think alike,” He said pulling back and she nodded before she went back to her room to put her drawing  and the book in a safe place and once she grabbed her jacket and walked out, she passed by Raven’s workshop.

“Hey, Griff,” The girl called out and the blonde stopped on her tracks before going inside.

“Hey, Ray. Guys,” She said greeting them back and they nodded at her.

“Going somewhere?” Raven asked her and the blonde nodded.

“Kane asked me to go to the grounder camp and ask for the Commander’s permission so we can map out the areas around us and search for the other stations,” Clarke explained.

“Really? And you’re going? You sure about that, you know after everything that went down?” The mechanic asked, worried for her friend and Clarke nodded.

“I have to. If our people are out there, we need to find them without starting a war with the grounder, so yeah. I am sure,” Clarke simply replied to her and the other girl nodded.

“Okay, if you say so. Hey, can I go with you? I could really use a trip right about now, besides I’m the only one who knows how to drive the rover so you need me, ” Raven said to her like a kid and Clarke smiled, she had not thought of that. 

“Well, that would be good. Anyone else would like to volunteer for this trip?” She asked and the two boys raised their hands and she chuckled, “Then, let’s go. We still need to find Bellamy,” They all left the workshop, walking towards the exit of the station.

When they walked out, Bellamy was already there waiting. He approached them, “Kane told me about your little mission. He thought you would want me to go with you as your guard,” He said to them and Clarke nodded.

“We were actually going to look for you but since you’re already here, we can go immediately. Raven is driving the rover,” Clarke said and he nodded as they went to where the newest addition was and got inside. Raven was in the driver side and Clarke was beside her with the boys in the back. Raven turned on the engine as Clarke smiled, she had not been in it before.

“You guys ready?” Raven asked and they cheered before she started the car forward and out of the fence and into the wild. Clarke was having fun and so was everyone else, but she could not help and be nervous. It has been almost 2 weeks since the Mountain battle and since the last time she saw Lexa however that would change in just a few more moments. She wasn’t sure how she would feel seeing the brunette again, but she knew it was going to be an adventure, in and out of itself. She could hope they could still work together.


	25. Meeting Again

“How do you guys think they will treat us? We won’t be in any danger, will we?” Wick asked them as they continued driving towards the camp under Clarke’s directions.

“No, according to the truce, if we don’t attack first, they won’t either so we should be safe,” Clarke explained to the guy who nodded. She understood his nervousness, after all it was his first interaction with the grounders.

“Yeah, focused on the should,” Bellamy mumbled, and Clarke turned to look at him.

“Bell,” She said warningly as he turned his head and looked at her.

“What?” He asked the blonde playing innocent and she shook her head at him.

“Don’t make me regret bringing you with us. The reason I accepted doing this was to avoid someone from the council or my mom disrespecting the grounder and the Commander and ruining things for us so do not be that person.” Clarke said to him and he sighed.

“Clarke, they betrayed us. Left us to die in that Mountain, you are going to tell me I have no reason to mistrust them to keep their end of the deal? Again?” He asked her, waiting for her answer and she shook her head.

“You have reasons to feel that way, yes.” She said agreeing with him before she continued, “I just don’t want you to express that opinion when we are there asking for safe passage for our people or else, things can get really ugly real soon and none of us want that, do we? Do you?” She said and he shook his head as did the other two boys.

“Exactly, now I know they screwed us over but in the end, both sides survived and secured the return of their people so we need to let that stay in the past if we want to have any hope of coexisting with them in the foreseeable future so relax,” She said to him.

“I know. It’s just, we have been fighting them since the beginning and the one time we try to trust them, they betray us. I mean, it’s almost like a sign that maybe we shouldn’t trust them at all. That we should stick to our people and ignore them.” He said and Clarke sighed.

“Maybe but that is not a good way to deal with things. Yes, they did all of that, but we were no saints either. We took more than our share of lives on their side. More than they did on ours so we can’t judge them based on that. There were deaths on both sides. We can’t be hypocritical and forget our share of the blame,” Raven was the one who answered him.

“I mean, Clarke and I burnt 300 warriors alive. Jasper and I made the bomb that exploded the bridge with grounders on it, killing God knows how many. They have reasons to be distrusting of us too so the only thing left to do is to meet each other halfway so we can live in peace, right Princess?” Raven said and looked at Clarke who smiled at her and nodded.

“Perfectly said, Mechanic,” Clarke agreed and they chuckled.

“Maybe you guys are right, but I will still be on my guard if you don’t mind me,” Bellamy said begrudgingly, and they nodded.

“You’re our escort. You should be on your guard,” Raven said to him and he bumped the back on her seat and she chuckled before she called out, “We’re here guys,” Raven said and they could see the grounders on alert as they noticed the strange vehicle coming towards them. Raven stopped the car and they looked at Clarke.

“Look, they know me so I will get down first and then when I give a sign that is safe, the rest of you get out of the car. Got it?” She said to them and they nodded. Bellamy begrudgingly so.

Clarke opened the door and jumped out from the car, closing the door and raising her hands in the air, “It’s me, Clarke of the Sky People. We mean you no harm,” She called out as she appeared in front of the car and she saw the warriors whispering to themselves before they looked back at her and nodded. She turned to the car and motioned for them to come out and so they did, and her four companions joined her.

“Wanheda,” One of the warriors said but none of them knew what that meant.

“I’m here to talk to your leader. It’s urgent.” Clarke called out and the guys nodded, motioning for them to follow him and Clarke was the first one to do so.

“They didn’t ask for my gun,” Bellamy commented out loud and Clarke nodded.

“This is a war camp. They expect people to have their weapons so giving it up will not be required.” She said as they passed by the camp, not avoiding the stared and some cries of Wanheda directly at their blonde companion.

“What does that word mean?” Raven asked and Clarke shrugged her shoulders.

“I have no idea, whatsoever,” She said as she mostly ignored the stares, much like she would do with her own people and just focused on the task ahead. They stopped in front of a tent and the guys turned to them.

“Wait here,” He said before going inside.

“Wow, they are very scary up close,” Monty said in a small voice and Clarke smiled at him.

“Some are, others not so much but their looks are impressive really,” Clarke said looking around and noticing that some were still too skinny so it must have been one of the rescued.

He was working, smiling and she smiled in return seeing that happening here as well. It was a beautiful scene before her mind was brought back to the moment by the appearance of no other than Indra who came to stand in front of them.

“What are you all doing here, Sky Girl?” She said as politely as she could manage.

“Hello Indra. We would like to speak with the Commander, it’s a matter of urgency for us,” Clarke answered her question and waited.

Indra looked at her for a while before answering, “The Commander is not here right now.”

That sparked Clarke’s curiosity. Where would Lexa be at this time of the day if not with her people? She was about to ask if the Commander was okay when they heard a familiar voice.

“Bellamy,” They turned in the direction of the voice and saw Octavia coming towards them with Lincoln behind her. She went straight to her brother and hugged him.

“O,” Bellamy said against her shoulder and she held him tightly.

“I missed you, big brother,” She said to him and he chuckled staying like that for a few more moments before pulling back from the hug to finally look at her. Her outfit was completely grounder now and he could see how she was proud of it.

“Are you okay? Have they been treating you nicely?” He bombarded her with those questions and Octavia answered all of them before they finally got to the reason why they were there.

“The Commander isn’t here so we can’t speak with her,” Bellamy told her and Octavia looked at Indra and they seemed to talk with their eyes before there was a sigh from the older woman and a nod from her. Octavia turned to them.

“I know where the Commander is. I was going there with Lincoln just now. If you want to come with us, I could show you?” Octavia explained and offered to them.

“That would be amazing, Pocahontas. If you could lead the way.” Raven said and Octavia smiled before turning to Indra.

“ **I will keep an eye on them and Lincoln will keep his eyes and ears on the others, don’t worry** _,”_ Octavia offered her and the woman nodded in agreement.

“Very well, now go. The Commander should not be kept waiting,” Indra replied. Once she turned around and walked away from the small group, Octavia motioned for them to turn back towards the way they came from. 

“So, you’re full grounder now?” Monty asked her and Octavia nodded at him giving him a small smile.

“Yes, I am part of the Woods Clan now,” She answered the boy who nodded.

“Have they hurt you in any way?” Bellamy asked her.

“Only in training but anything past that the answer is no,” She said to him as they came to where their truck was and where there were now two horse waiting for them, “That is your ride?” Octavia whistled in awe and asked.

“Yeah, you like it? Pretty cool and most importantly, pretty fast,” Raven answered, bragging about it and the younger girl nodded.

“I liked it, but I still prefer Helios so how about I make you eat some dust?” Octavia said in a challenging tone as Raven looked at her, determination burning in her eyes.

“It’s on, Pocahontas,” Raven said and moved towards the driver side.

“Follow me and I will take you where the Commander is. Raven, try to keep up,” Octavia said mounting her horse as the others nodded and went back to the Rover, same arrangement. Raven turned on the engine and Octavia kicked her horse forward and soon enough they were in high speed racing through the fields.

“Show off,” Raven whispered to her before she said it again out loud for them to hear and Octavia chuckled before she motioned them to follow her towards the right for a few more minutes before Octavia pulled the horse to a stop.

Raven did the same and turned the engine off as they saw Octavia and Lincoln to get down from their horse and passed the reigns to the warriors who were there. The Sky people decided to do the same, so everyone got out of the rover and walked towards them.

“Are you guys hearing this?” Bellamy asked as they could hear some type of sound coming and the others nodded while the two grounders just smiled before Clarke noticed something. A plate on the entrance as it read TonDC. She was surprised and turned towards Octavia.

“What is this?” Clarke asked her and Octavia shook her head.

“Any questions ask the Commander. Now, let’s go inside,” She said motioning towards the forest and Clarke rejoined her friends before she agreed, as they started walking through the path that had been made in between the trees. The sound was becoming louder.

“Is that music?” Raven asked as they looked at each other before they looked ahead and were shocked with what they were seeing specially Clarke. It was TonDC, or at least where it had been once, but it was looking completely different. She could see that they were rebuilding it as they were already some building being raised from the ground and there were people walking around with rock and what not.

“Welcome to the new TonDC,” Octavia announced watching their faces.

“What is this, Octavia? What is going on?” Clarke asked her.

“TonDC. Hey. Isn’t this the village that was hit by the missile?” Raven asked also shocked by what she was seeing as the new grounder girl nodded.

“Yes, but now that the Mountain is gone, Heda decided to rebuild it from the scratch so the builders from all over the Coalition has come to help,” Octavia explained to them.

Clarke was feeling a lot of things at this sudden and shocking turn of events. She had felt so bad for letting the missile drop on all of those people, destroying the viallge and killing 250 of their occupants but at the time, she knew that they didn’t have a better choice to make in that particular situation. It was either that or the Mountain would have found out about Bellamy sooner and everything they accomplished would never have happened and who knew how worse it would have been? But still, this was all a lot for her to take in.

“Where is the Commander?” Bellamy said bringing all of their attention back to the task they came here to do, including Clarke’s.

“This way, come on,” Octavia said knowing that this was not the only surprise they would have in this visit. As they walked further into the village, the music got louder.

“O, how is this music being played so loud?” Bellamy asked his sister.

“There is a speaker playing the songs,” She explained as they arrived near the destination and she pointed towards the big speaker which was blasting the music.

“Wait, I recognize that,” Wick said stopping on his track as they all looked at him.

“How?” Raven asked her friend who looked nervous.

“Jasper asked me to help him build it about four days ago,” He answered her.

“Jasper? What does Jasper have to do with this?” Monty asked but before Wick could answer, they heard his familiar voice as they looked in front of them and saw Jasper come out of one of the buildings and sing very loudly to the song that was playing as the grounders around him were either chuckling, laughing or singing along with him.

“What is he doing here?” Bellamy asked and Clarke was beyond shocked. She had no idea Jasper was with the grounder, she was feeling very confused.

“O, what is going on?” Monty asked seeing his friend, singing and dancing.

“Remember when Jasper left your camp to go and find the Commander to…” She avoided saying the word, but they nodded understanding what she was hinting at.

“How do you know that? You were not in camp.” Raven said and the girl nodded.

“He told me. Well, it turns out, he did find her and did try to you know but apparently, the Commander recognized who he was and started talking to him and was able to convince him to not do it. During their talk, she offered him a chance to come and help with rebuilding the village as some sort of healing therapy and he accepted. He has been coming here for the past week,” She explained to them who were beyond shocked.

“So, he has been sneaking in and out of camp to come here to help the grounder at Lexa’s own invitation?” Clarke asked, trying to make sense of everything she heard, and Octavia nodded.

“Yes, he has been using this as a way to heal and to let go of the pain. And as you can see, it has been helping him do that,” She said as they looked back at him while he continued to sing and started playing with the other warriors. Octavia motioned for them to walk closer and they did just when the song ended and in time to hear the others talking to him.

“The Sky Crab thinks he knows how to sing,” One warrior said jokingly.

“Hey, I know how to sing, ugly face. But I bet you don’t.” Jasper said indignantly to the warrior who chuckled at him.

“I’ll have you know I am the best singer of my village in Trishanakru.” He said and Jasper crossed his arms over his chest, puffing it.

 “I doubt it.” He said defiantly and the guy turned towards the building they had been working together.

“Heda, tell the Sky Crab. You have heard me singing before. Am I good or not?” The guys said and Clarke’s heart started beating faster when she heard the guy call for Lexa.

“Jeremy speaks true, Jasper. He is the best singer of his village,” Lexa’s voice carried out and it did things to Clarke’s body that it shouldn’t, but the blonde couldn’t ignore. Meanwhile, the guy, Jeremy seemed to be in the clouds with her compliments before she continued, “But that’s because everyone else is just too bad to even count,” She said and finally walked out of the building and all the air was knocked out of Clarke’s lungs once she saw the girl. It was too much for her. This was a very bad idea.

Damn you, Kane.


	26. Discussions and Demands

It was a terrible idea and why that was? Because Lexa was wearing was black pants and boots, she seemed to have a belt around her hips that was full of tools and she was only wearing her bra. No shirt, whatsoever. With her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. She was looking too sexy, all sweaty and dirty and Clarke’s mind went straight to the gutter and how could it not when Lexa was looking like a sexy goddess? Clarke’s heart and pulse were working faster than she even though it to be healthy or even possible but there was nothing she could do. Not to mention the pool that seemed to be forming in between her legs at that heavenly sight.

“Heda,” Octavia called out and when the brunette turned towards the sound of the voice calling for her, her eyes immediately got locked to Clarke’s. To say that Lexa was surprised to see Clarke there was an understatement, but the girl was looking so beautiful. Even more beautiful than she remembered, and Lexa’s own heart started beating faster in reaction to the girl. They were many feet away from each other, but Lexa could feel herself getting lost in a pair of beautiful blue eyes and she had to remind herself that she had a duty to overlook.

“What are they doing here?” Jasper asked lowly as he came closer to her without her even noticing it, thanks to the blonde’s presence.

“I don’t know. But I think I am about to find out,” She said as she saw the group coming towards where the two of them was and Clarke and Lexa finally came to be face to face. They were both trying so hard not to check the other one out but neither could help letting their eyes roam the other’s bodies before they settled on each other again.

“Welcome. This is most certainly a surprise to receive your visit,” She said politely.

“This visit has been full of surprises for us too,” Clarke greeted her back just as politely and looked at Jasper who was still by Lexa’s side. The brunette noticed it as well as his discomfort, so she decided to help him out.

“Jasper, can you do me a favor and get me my shirt? I believe I left it inside there somewhere,” She asked him a seemingly innocent request, but he looked at her gratefully and nodded before he disappeared inside the building before Lexa turned to the group.

“So, to what do I owe the honor of your presence here?” Lexa asked them as she crossed her arms and Clarke could not help but notice two things about the brunette girl.

One was the tattoo she had on her right arm that Clarke had never seen it before, it was beautiful, just like everything else about Lexa was. And the other thing she noticed and for the sake of her sanity she wished she hadn’t was Lexa’s abs. She knew the girl had an amazing body, but this was too much for her. She wanted so badly to run her hands on it and just to feel the other girl’s hands and lips all over her and so the same to her to a point where Clarke would consider locking them in a room, forever, away from everyone else and their demands.

“We came here to discuss an important matter for our people,” Bellamy said abruptly and Clarke focused away from those thoughts before she didn’t something she should regret.

“What is it?” Lexa asked interest to know what they could possibly want to discuss with her, and this time, Clarke was the one to answer.

“We would like to start mapping the areas surrounding our camp and also search for the other stations containing our people that were thrown in different territories, see if we can find survivors and for that we need your permission so there won’t be a problem between our people, ” Clarke explained the situation and Lexa nodded.

“Well, as long as your people abide by the terms of the cease fire Kane and I came up with, then there is no problem. You have my permission,” Lexa said to her and Clarke nodded.

“Thank you,” The blonde said.

“You are most welcome,” Lexa gave her a small nod in return.

She was trying very hard to control her urges. Seeing Clarke like this after so many weeks wishing for nothing else was almost like torture for her, so close yet so far apart. However, she knew that the blonde wanted nothing to do with her and was only here to discuss business arrangements for her people so Lexa knew she needed to keep this conversation professional so she used all her self-restraint she could muster to do just that and luckily it seemed to be working. At that moment, Jasper came out of the building and handed her shirt back as she had asked of him and she thanked him before putting it on.

And in that moment, Clarke noticed something else she hadn’t paid attention until now. There was a wide gash in the brunette’s lower stomach, as well as another wound near her hip that was forming a scar and Clarke could see that it was a recent wound. Did Lexa get hurt during the battle against Mountain Men or did this happen afterwards? Was she okay? Clarke wanted to ask her more than anything, but she thought better than to do that. She couldn’t show that she cared about the older girl’s well-being. She needed to appear like she didn’t care at all.

“So, you have been sneaking around and coming here, you little shit?” Raven broke the silence as she talked jokingly to Jasper who nodded.

“The Commander invited me to help so yeah,” He said shrugging and the girl nodded.

“Why did you invite him?” Bellamy asked Lexa who looked at him seriously.

“I thought it would be a good outlet for his anger and that it would help him get better. I believe I have been right so far, right Jasper?” Lexa said to the boy who nodded and smiled at her before turning back to his friends.

“The Commander and her people have been helping me a lot. I like working here with them.” He said and Lexa squeezed his shoulder before looking at the group.

“I am sure you have many questions, but I believe you can ask them in a later time.” Lexa said before she continued, “For your request, my permission simply will not be much since the rest of my people doesn’t know of our agreement so I am afraid we will have to go back to camp to get you a written agreement so that you may search for your people without fear of misunderstanding,” Lexa called for a warrior. She warned him that she would have to leave and would probably only be back the next day, but that the construction should continue on the same pace and he nodded before he left.

“Jasper, will you be coming with us? Or will you stay here and go directly to Arkadia?” Lexa asked him and he seemed to look at her for direction, but she simply smiled at him letting him know either way worked for her.

“I think I will come with you,” He answered and she nodded before she turned to the others.

“You can follow us to camp,” She said and walked forward passing through them, in particular Clarke. When Lexa was passing her, it was like time seemed to slow down as the brunette looked at her before she continued moving forward as Jasper followed her and Clarke was left with her heart beating fast. She wondered if Lexa was feeling the same way and she most certainly was. She didn’t do it on purpose, she simply moved to walk past them but when she realized Clarke was the one she would need to pass by, she didn’t back down.

Jasper came to her side, “How are things going to be now for me? Do you think they will let me come here?” he asked her, and she looked at him and smiled encouragingly.

“If they don’t, you come anyway. People here they like you, Jasper. Sky Crab,” She said and they both chuckled at the nicknamed that seemed to be stuck with him now.

“Yeah you’re right. They can’t stop me,” He said but she warned him.

“Yes. But be careful and don’t do anything that could hurt you or others. Fight with your mind, not with your fists. Be smarter,” She said to him and he nodded as he looked behind them and could see the group of Sky People following and talking among themselves.

“You helped him again, Wick? For real?” Raven was saying and the guy nodded.

“He told me that he found a way to heal that didn’t hurt him or anyone else and he asked my help to escape camp and when he came back, he was actually smiling and seemed to be happy so I thought why not keep on helping him? I didn’t know he was coming here but if he is feeling better, why should I stop him?” He said defending his ass and Raven shook her head.

“Because it’s dangerous to be around these people. They could hurt him and make it look like an accident or something,” Bellamy said.

“Look at him,” Wick said pointing at the guy in front laughing along with the Commander and greeting some of the warriors, “He is friends with the Commander and your sister seems to be here too. I think it’s more dangerous to keep him in camp than to let him come here.” Wick said and Monty agreed.

“He is right. Jasper is happier, we should just let him be. I don’t want to lose my best friend to his pain and if help the grounders helps him deal with it in a healthy way, who are we to try and stop him?” Monty said and high fived with Wick.

“We will talk about Jasper later, for now we focus on what we came here for,” Clarke said ending the conversation as they came out of the village and saw Lexa get up on her horse and Jasper do the same on another before they both took off and once her friends and herself were in the Rover, they just followed them much like they had done with Octavia. And soon enough, they were back in camp.

Lexa and Jasper got off of their horses and they got out of the rover and entered the camp going towards her tent, getting inside. Clarke looked around and it looked the same as when they were sharing it together, memories started flooding into her mind, but she pushed them back, she needed to focus. Lexa sat down on the table and pulled out a piece of paper and started writing on it. “I didn’t know your people knew how to write,” Bellamy said quite sarcastically, and Raven elbowed him as did Clarke.

Lexa didn’t even raise her head before she replied, “I didn’t think you believed my people were better than savages and animals so that doesn’t surprise me.” She said to him and Jasper chuckled as he moved forward to grab a cup of water for himself.

“But answering your questions, yes, we do know how to write both in your language and on our own but in times of war, we don’t use it much.” Lexa said as she continued to write.

“So, you have books and stuff like that?” Monty asked her curiously and Jasper answered him.

“Of course, they do Monty. The Commander has a full ass library in the capitol, right?” He asked Lexa who nodded her head at him.

“Over the years, many scouts scavenged old buildings, houses, any place and brought to Polis, our capital, whatever they could find. Including old maps, books of all kinds and similar things,” She answered still writing.

“I though your people would have found another use for it. I don’t know like burning them to make fire or something like that since I didn’t think they could understand what was written anyway,” Bellamy said ironically again as Clarke looked at him and whispered to him.

“Bellamy, what the hell are you doing? Stop it right now,” She said to him and he was about to reply to her when Lexa spoke out loud and they turned to her.

“‘It _was the mark of a barbarian to destroy something one could not understand_ **’** ” She said, and Clarke swallowed down because she knew that quote and from what book was from. Lexa looked up from the paper and straight at her as if daring her to deny the connection the brunette was making with the gift she had given her.

“That’s a quote from Arthur C. Clarke, isn’t it?” Raven asked the Commander and broke the spell that Lexa seemed to have cast on her.

“It is indeed,” Lexa said still looking at the blonde who refused to look at her again before she went back to writing and soon enough, she finished it. She used as sigil and closed the document before she stood up and extended the document to Clarke who took it.

“If you have any problems with my people, just given them this, it should help you dissolve any misunderstanding,” Lexa told them and Clarke nodded pulling it back. And this time, she was the one who dared Lexa to beak their eye contact.

“We should be going back now. Thank you, Commander,” Raven said receiving a nod from the woman and the others nodded and moved to walk out but Clarke stayed rooted in place.

“Clarke, let’s go,” Bellamy said but she shook her head.

“I will be with you in a minute. Go on,” She said frowning her eyebrows and Lexa titled her head as he looked at her before nodding and walking out of the tent leaving them alone.

“Are you going to tell me what do you wish to speak with me about?” Lexa asked as she fully turned to Clarke who got a better look at those muscles before she remembered why she was there.

“I want to help rebuild TonDC.” She said surely and caught Lexa by surprise.

“You want to help rebuild TonDC. Why?” Lexa asked and Clarke nodded.

“Well, we both know we are responsible for what happened so I would like to give it back what we took from them. Why? Is it so hard to believe that I feel bad for what happened?” Clarke said as she crossed her arms and Lexa managed a small smile.

“No, it is not hard at all to believe that, Clarke. I just didn’t think that you would want anything to do with me and my people after what happened,” Lexa said to her as Clarke shook her head.

“I don’t want anything to do with you, Lexa. As for your people, I have nothing against them,” Clarke said sarcastically.

“Very well, you must want something in return for the help. What would it be?” Lexa asked her and Clarke shook her head in denial.

“I don’t want anything except the chance to right a wrong.” Clarke said and Lexa sighed.

“Clarke, you know we did the right thing. If the Mountain Men had known about the spy…” Lexa was saying but Clarke interrupted her.

“You are the lasts person I want to talk about Mount Weather with. And frankly, I don’t want to talk to you about nothing except what I said. So the only thing I want to know is if you will allow me to help rebuild TonDC? Yes or no?” Clarke said and lexa sighed she knew that Clarke was too hurt to even be ready to listen to her and she would have to respect that. But maybe this could be their opportunity. With Clarke coming to help her people, they could get closer again and Clarke could forgive her or at least not hate her as much and with time they could even mend what could have been.

So with that in mind, Lexa nodded her head, “Yes, you can help my people,” She said and Clarke nodded, relieved she would be able to atone to some of her sins.

“Well, good then. When can I start coming?” Clarke asked as she had noticed that people were still weak o it was likely that nothing had been sorted out in regards of that.

“Well, nothing will start being rebuilt at least until another week has passed though I can’t guarantee it. So, when we do start building things, I will send a message for you and you can come the next day. Does that work for you?” Lexa asked and Clarke nodded.

“It works fine for me, so I guess my friends and I should get going. I don’t want to take any more of your time,” Clarke turned around but once again Lexa reached out and grabbed her arm and turned her back towards her and looked her in the eyes.

“You don’t have to go yet,” She said as she stepped closer, “Stay, please.” Lexa said and even without knowing, Clarke found herself leaning in without breaking the eye contact.

It was like every time she looked into those green eyes, she forgot everything else and all she could focus on was those eyes and those lips and things she shouldn’t be thinking about, but she couldn’t help it. The pull she felt towards Lexa was stronger than anything she has ever felt before towards anyone and she couldn’t resist it. But unfortunately, the moment was interrupted by Kio warning that a sky person was asking for Clarke which completely broke the spell. Clarke regained her senses and pulled away from Lexa before turning around and quickly exiting the tent without looking where she was going causing her to bump against a chest that belonged to Bellamy.

“Princess, you okay? She did something to you?” He asked but she shook her head.

“No, I just need to get out of here.” She said breathless. What was about to happen in there?

“Well, that’s exactly why I came to get you so we could leave. Kane should be worried about us by now,” He said to her and she nodded.

“Yeah, let’s go,” She said as she let him lead her to where Jasper and Monty were waiting. But as much as she tried to she couldn’t help herself and turned her head to look once again at the tent at the exact moment Lexa came out of it and she quickly turned around and shook her head as the 4 of them exited the grounder village and started on their path back to Camp Jaha.


	27. Walk back

The ride back to camp was taking too long for Clarke’s taste. The last minutes of her encounter with Lexa left her world reeling around it axis, as it was the usual feeling she had whenever she was around Lexa only that it was ten times worse now, and she didn’t know how to ground herself again back on Earth, back on reality. It was pathetic the way the brunette still messes with her head and her heart despite everything that has happened, what she has done to Clarke. For Christ’s sake, she betrayed Clarke and left her and her people to die, except that regardless of all of that, her heart still called out for the brunette.

It was like it was inevitable for her to feel drawn and to feel the need to be close to the older girl and she had hoped that wasn’t the case anymore, that she had outgrown those feelings, but if today was anything to go by, she didn’t obviously. She couldn’t want Lexa, not after everything that happened in the Mountain, not after being betrayed by her. The real problem was the fact that she did, in fact, want Lexa. She wanted Lexa in a way she has never wanted anybody else in her entire life. Why couldn’t she let go of the green-eyed girl? Why did she still hold onto her? Why does her heart want her?

The answer was simple and resumed itself in one that Clarke wasn’t ready to deal with yet, even if something inside of her told her it was true and she was simply ignoring it. She couldn’t even go there in thoughts. The mere idea of it scared her to death. To think of a four-letter word that seemed to want to come out of her heart and fill her completely because of the brunette, but so far, she has been able to push it down and would continue to do so. She had to forget Lexa, there was no other way for her to do this. She needed to forget all the moments they had while planning for the war and focus on her people.

But exactly how could se now after the vision she had of Lexa when they arrived in camp? Looking that good should be a sin. Clarke had never been one to succumb to her hormones or be controlled by them in a situation. The only exception to that was her one-night stand with Finn but that was more fueled by frustration and fear than it was by lust or desire or need. She had been honest when she said it hadn’t been just about needing someone, but she also couldn’t say that had the wristbands worked that they would have ended up in bed together.

But with Lexa, it was different. Wanting her wasn’t conditioned to a certain situation. The fact that Lexa existed was more than enough reason for Clarke to want her. She did so in a pure, basic and instinctive level. And that along with the view of the goddess-like body Lexa had, Clarke wasn’t sure how she was still breathing, still functioning. She could imagine what it would feel like to run her hands over the brunette’s beautiful figure and almost had the thought to tell Raven to turn the Rover around so she could go back to the grounder camp and do just that, but she couldn’t. She needed to find a way to block Lexa from her mind. She had to or she wouldn’t survive like this much longer.

“Why didn’t you tell us that you were coming here, Jasper? If anything happened to you, we would have no idea where to even start searching,” Raven spoke up breaking the silence and Clarke focused on that conversation to get her mind away from unwanted thoughts.

“Since when do I need to give any you reports on what I do with my life and where I go?” Jasper said frowning at the mechanic’s words.

“It’s not about that, Jasper. It’s about your safety though,” Wick said gently to him, trying to smooth things over with the young boy.

“It’s still my life and my decision, I don’t have to tell anyone anything. Do you go around telling people everything that you are doing?” Jasper said to the engineer and Bellamy spoke up.

“We would have to if we went to the grounder camp by ourselves without letting anyone know.” He spoke sarcastically and a little annoyed. Jasper scoffed at that.

“Please. Abby is Chancellor and Clarke’s mother and she doesn’t know half of the things her daughter is up to, even when all of them are dangerous for her and for the people and you are telling me that I need to tell you what I do? Unbelievable.” Jasper said shaking his head.

Clarke shook her head as she regarded him before speaking softly, trying not to irk him too much, “It’s not the same thing, Jasper.”

“Of course, it’s not because it’s you. To you, the rules don’t apply, we know that already.” He said though not with the amount of venom he had expected of himself and he was glad.

“We were just worried about you, Jas. We just want to know that you’re safe. There’s nothing wrong with that,” Monty tried to appeal to his best friend who simply shook his head at him.

“Thanks, but no thanks. I can take care of myself just fine and being with the grounders have helped me more than being around any of you, which means I don’t plan on stop going so you should worry about yourself. Have you healed at all for killing an entire civilization?” Jasper said to Monty who stayed quiet.

“What about you, Bellamy? Have you felt better about what you did in there? And you, Clarke? Have you forgiven yourself for committing genocide?” And the two of them also stayed quiet, “Didn’t think so. Want my advice? Use the worry you have for me on yourselves. You need it more than I do,” Jasper said to them.

“What about you Jasper? Are you feeling better about everything that happened on that damned mountain?” Bellamy asked him as Jasper looked at him and nodded.

“Thanks to Lexa and her people, yes.  Thanks to them, I don’t feel like drowning myself in a bottle of booze if I think about Maya or don’t feel like dying when I speak her name. Thanks to Lexa, I am able to remember my girlfriend the way she deserves to be remembered. Thanks to her people, I am able to feel useful, to feel like I can help. So yes, Bellamy, I am feeling a lot better and I owe it all to them,” Jasper said firmly as he looked at the older guy.

“We are your friends, Jasper. We want to help you. We can help you too.” Clarke dared to say, and she honestly expected for him to explode on her but remarkably he didn’t.

“Maybe but I don’t want any of your help because although Lexa is helping me forgive what you three have done, I still can’t and it’s thanks to her that I don’t feel like putting a bullet in any of your heads for killing my girlfriend,” Jasper said looking at the back of her head.

“She was the one that convinced that you were all as much a victim of the circumstance and Cage as Maya and the others were and I’m trying to see it that way so if one day I manage to forgive you, it’s thanks to her. If you’re all my friends, then instead of trying to dictate how I am supposed to live my life and who I should allow in it or not, just let me be. It’s really the best way you can help me,” Jasper said honestly just as they came in front of the camp and passed through the gates in silence.

As soon as the car stopped, he was the first one to open the door and leave as the others just watched him. Monty and Wick followed him, Raven looked at Clarke and Bellamy. “At least, there is still hope he can forgive you,” She said to them and Clarke nodded.

“It’s more than I thought I would have from him,” She said before looking at Raven. “See you later, Ray,” The mechanic nodded as the blonde opened her door and got off with Bellamy following after her as Raven took the rover to the garage.

Bellamy went after Clarke inside the station. “Clarke can I talk to you?” He said and she nodded before they went to her room.

“Octavia talked to me about the bomb,” He said to her seriously and her blood went cold. She looked at him and he was looking ahead, not directly at her anymore.

“Bell, I …” She tried to say but suddenly, she couldn’t speak properly.

“You told me my sister was safe and then let a bomb drop on her,” He said to her and she sighed before dropping her head.

“I had to,” She said trying to explain herself and her actions that day to him, but he turned to her with a sudden fierceness in his eyes.

“You lied to me. You straight up lied to my face,” He said her as she stopped him before he could continue walking. He looked at her.

“Do you really think I would have let that bomb drop on the village and kill all those people if I didn’t have to?” She asked him and he took a few seconds but eventually shook his head. Deep down, he knew that she wouldn’t have done it if it could be avoided.

“I’m sorry that I lied to you, Bellamy, really I am. But if I had told you the truth, you would have put yourself in danger and the mission in jeopardy and I couldn’t afford that. None of us, sky people or grounders in and out of that damn Mountain could afford that. You, more than anyone else, needed to be completely focused on the task and on staying alive. I’m sorry I put your sister in danger, but you have to believe me it was the only way, just like the drop ship door. I had to do it,” She tried to explain to him as best as she could, hoping he would be able to understand it just as he did when she closed the dropship door on him.

“But you and Lexa escaped it though,” He said, trying to see her point. She nodded her head.

“We were the targets and if they saw us alive, they would have sent another missile, so we left,” She explained to him, not going into the fact that Lexa wanted to keep both of them safe.

“Why didn’t you warn the people about it? I gave you the information so that you could do that. Why didn’t you act on it?” He asked her and she sighed. It was the same question she had made to Lexa that very day.

“Because if we had done that, then the Mountain Men would have known there was a spy inside and would have found you much sooner. So, to protect you and your cover, we had to let them think they had succeeded. I know you’re angry with me and I can understand. I am angry with myself for that, but I need you to know that I am sorry it had to be that way. I hope you can forgive me,” She said genuinely, and he could see the tears in her eyes.

His heart clenched and yes, he was still angry with her, but he thinks he can understand her decision. Like she said, it was most like what she had done in the drop ship, she had chosen to possibly sacrifice one of their own for the greater good of the others. To keep them safe, she had almost killed him and to keep him safe, she had indirectly killed a lot of people. It was messed up in too many different levels and was in no way okay, but he got it. And with that understanding in mind, he did the only thing he could think of and pulled her into a hug.

“It had to be done,” He said to her and she wrapped her arms around him sighing in relief. As they hugged for a few more seconds, Clarke felt more at ease that at least he had understood her reasons for doing what she did. That’s more than she hoped for when this conversation started. Still she pulled back and wiped the tears that had fallen down on her face.

“Thank you for understanding it,” She told him, and he nodded before they continued to walk following their friends who were quite ahead of them now but still in their line of vision.

“So, what was the matter that you talked to the Commander about?” He asked her and she took a deep breath, she knew he wouldn’t be happy about it.

“I asked her for permission to help rebuilt TonDC and she agreed to let me,” And like she had expected, he stopped walking for a moment before he caught up with her.

“You have got to be kidding me. Clarke, that is insane. You want to go to a village full of them by yourself?” She shook her head, shrugging her shoulders a bit.

“I have to go, Bell. I can’t undo what I have done to those people that died because of me, but I can help the survivors now. I need to help them,” She said to him and he stared at her. “I know it sounds crazy, but I think Jasper may be right. Maybe helping people rebuild will help me relearn that I am not only capable of destroying. And right now Bell, I really, really need to believe that the same way helping heal people makes me believe that I am not only made for taking lives but for saving them as well,”

He kept staring at her and seeing the pain in her eyes, he decided that he would show support if this was what she needed to do, “Okay. I do think is crazy, but you have had worst ideas,”

She smiled at him, grateful for his joke to lessen up a bit of her tension before she said goodbye to him with a ‘thank you’ hug before she walked the rest of the way towards her quarters, needing to be alone for a moment to recharge before facing the outside world again. Entering the code, she opened the door and closed it before leaning against it, finally letting out a deep sigh at the thought of what happened to her this day. Clarke finally took notice of how tired she was, so she wasted no time before going straight to her room.

She opened the door and walked inside. She moved towards the chair she had, sat down on it and started to remove her boots, then removed her jacket, before she finally stood up and went to lay down in her bed, closing her eyes and as soon as she did that, a pair of green orbits came into view and her breath hitched. She knew very well whose eyes were those and she willed her mind to go somewhere else and it obliged, only this time it took her back to the moment in the tent and the feel of soft and tender lips who touched hers like she was a precious thing that could break if pressed too hard.

She could try to tell herself that all those memories were a lie, that Lexa had used her, that she didn’t care for her the way she had made Clarke think she did but deep down, or even not that deep, Clarke knew. She knew the truth. Lexa did care about her. The touches, the looks, the kiss couldn’t be fake. Clarke knew they weren’t for either one of them, which made everything that much worse. Her mind kept replaying their moments and without noticing Clarke ended up falling asleep lured by thought of a certain Commander.


	28. Moment to Talk

Meanwhile back in the grounder camp, the said Commander was also lying down on her own bed with her thoughts also turned to a certain blonde sky girl who fell down on earth and completely changed her life and herself in the process. The girl who shook her world upside down and left her bare of the walls she had tried so hard to build around her heart to protect it from pain. Clarke had definitely been an unexpected surprise, though certainly not an unwelcomed one, however it seemed she wasn’t one surprise Lexa would get to have.

It’s true that Lexa had decided to harden her heart and keep herself away from any kind of feeling that related to the four letter word as best as she could, and given her history with it and what happened to the few people she had dared utter those words to, who could blame her? But having Clarke come into her life and turn her world upside down was something she couldn’t help but thank whatever force of nature, gods or fate that has made that happen, that has brought the girl from space and into her arms, even if figuratively.

The thing was Lexa only wished she could, one day, be able to feel Clarke in her arms again, that the blonde girl would look at her with love in her eyes instead of the hate she shows towards her right now. That they can mend their broken hearts together and start living instead of just surviving. That they could enjoy the happiness Lexa knew they could bring to each other. But that was just wishful thinking on her part. And Lexa was past hoping on pointless dreams that would not come true any time soon, if ever.

She had to accept that she destroyed her only chance at that happening once again. Seems like a pattern was starting to appear to her and maybe Clarke will be better off without her, without Lexa being a part of her life. After all, Costia chose her, chose to stay with her despite all the dangers it posed to herself and she suffered for it. There was no chance in hell that Lexa would let Clarke go on the same path only to suffer the same fate or worse and maybe protecting the blonde means staying away from her. But she can’t help but ask, ‘Why must she always lose the one she loves one way or the other?’

When she had been with Costia, she had felt like she was the happiest and that they would be together in a better world that she would build for them. She was her first love and besides the loss of her brother and of her friends, Lexa had not known what was to lose someone so close to her like that so she was still filled with teenage dreams, but that dream eventually was crushed by reality when she opened the box and saw the head of the girl she loved inside of it. She knew that those dreams had to die in order for her to survive the pain and so that she could only focus on her people from now on which was what she did until Clarke came along.

The blonde girl changed everything for her, everything, from start to finish and Lexa didn’t know how to go back. She didn’t even know if she wanted to go back to the way things were, to the way she was before at all. Clarke ignited a fire in her heart that she thought she had extinguished a long time ago but it was now burning inside of her and she only wanted the blonde here with her in her arms, to kiss her lips, to make love to her, to share the rest of her life with her, where she knew she could make the blonde happy, make both of them happy. At least that was what her heart wanted more than anything.

Her heart was the part of her that had recognized herself in the blonde girl from the moment they met. The part of her who opened up to the sky princess from the moment they met and who sore high every time the girl looked at her. The part of her that had seen in Clarke’s eyes that the girl felt the same connection between them as she did. The part of her that called out to and for Clarke. The part of her that urged her to protect Clarke from the bomb. The part of her that pushed her to confess her feelings. That had the courage to kiss the blonde and felt everything inside of her came to life with that kiss.

She knew that Clarke had made her home inside of her heart, her mind, her soul. The girl had settled in beneath her skin in a way that Lexa knew was impossible to kick her out even if she wanted to, which she didn’t. She wanted the girl to go in deeper and deeper. And she had hoped that she had done the same to the blonde girl and that this connection could help Clarke forgive her. And maybe even one day, give her another chance like she had talked about with Octavia. But that seemed to not be the case if their encounter was anything to go by.

And who knows? Maybe it was for the best. For as long as one of them lives, Nia and her will always be on the brink of war. They are destined to fight and Lexa is not naïve to believe that the two of them will ever truly be at peace with each other. They had only done it the first time around because of the threat of the Mountain and because she had forced Nia’s hand but that will not happen again. No. Now, it’s only a matter of time before they finally settle their differences and enact their revenges on each other and that will only be done on the battlefield. Lexa knows this as well as she knows that the sun will rise tomorrow.

Which means that she also knows that until that very moment where their armies collide and their own sword clash with one another, Nia will try to hurt her and break her in any way she can which means that everyone she still cares about will be in the danger, like Costia was and might even have an end worst that the one the girl had suffered and she could not let that happen. Clarke, Indra, Lincoln, her father, her nightbloods were the people she truly cared about, and she dreaded to think of anything happening to them because of her. She already lost Gustus, Anya and Costia. She can’t lose anyone else.

And if Nia ever came to learn that she loves Clarke more than she could ever had hoped to love Costia than she would not hesitate to use Clarke against Lexa, torturing her in more nefarious and brutal ways. She couldn’t let that happen again so maybe this was the right thing for Clarke, the distance between them might just be what saves her life but how Lexa had hoped that she could know what it felt like to hold the girl in her arms, how it felt to wake up with the other girl tucked in her side and her face to be the first thing she would see in the morning. Lexa was taken from her thoughts when Indra entered her tent and stood in front of her.

Immediately, she straightened up her posture and pushed those thoughts away from her mind. She needed to be the Commander now, Lexa would have to wait. “ **What is it, Indra?** ” Lexa asked and Indra also straightened up to answer her Commander.

“ **Is it true that more Sky People will be coming to help us, Commander?** ” The older woman asked her. Lexa nodded sighing a little.

“ **Yes, Clarke has asked me to let her help and I saw no reason to deny her. Why? Do you have a problem with that? Speak true, Indra** ,” Lexa ordered her, and the woman shook her head.

“ **I don’t have problem with the girl, Commander. But we both know that she is more important to you than just another leader** ,” Indra implied and Lexa sighed.

“ **So, what if she is Indra? What does that have to do with your feelings about Clarke’s presence here?** ” There was no point in trying to deny it to Indra, she knew Lexa very well.

“ **I just worry about how her presence here can affect you. Especially if she comes with her boy, Bellamy** ,” Indra said. Lexa simply shook her head.

“ **It’s not going to be a problem, I guarantee you. She is barely speaking to me and is only coming here because she feels as guilty as I do because of the missile we let hit the village in the first place. Don’t worry about anything else other than that** ,” Lexa spoke those words wishing they were untrue, wishing that there was something between them but there wasn’t.

“ **And what are you going to do about the new title the girl has earned**?” Indra asked her.

Apparently, now her warriors referred to Clarke as Wanheda, the Commander of Death. The title is one of admiration and she was happy for that. However, she knew that that information in the hands of her enemies could be a risk for her. They could try to portray Clarke as being more powerful than her and that could put her strength as Commander in check and to summarize, that would be extremely bad for both of them. But she was glad she knew because that way she could at least prepare herself to deal with it in the best way possible.

“ **Yes, I have heard about it and it’s not a problem we need to worry about just yet, Indra. Clarke is not even aware of it and much less of what it means. And I sincerely doubt she will weigh that power as you seem to be afraid she will, but I promise that I will find a way around it. Trust me** ,” Lexa spoke to her reassuringly and Indra nodded.

“ **Of course, Commander. But with her coming here to help, she may become aware of it and try to use it against us, against you** ,” Indra warned her.

“ **I know but the last thing Clarke wants is war between us, so we are safe for now. Let me worry about that if the need for me to worry arises, Indra. Until then, we keep going as we have so far. Nothing has to change,** ” Lexa instructed the older warrior.

The points Indra were bringing to her she had already thought about it before. She had studied every possible outcome for the Coalition now and kept thinking of the best way in which she could make sure that it held together even with the fact that the main reason why it was formed in the first place is now gone. And learning the respect her people bestowed upon Clarke by giving her that name had been one of those outcomes and Lexa were fairly certain she had a very viable plan of action should she need to act.

 

“ **I know, Commander. And I trust your judgement, but it is my job to watch over you, especially now that Anya and Gustus cannot do it anymore. And speaking freely, I worry about you Lexa. What happened with the other generals may happen again and with the threat of war with Nia looming over our heads, I will start worrying even more** ,” Indra spoke sincerely to her and Lexa was thankful for it and for her words.

“ **I know, old friend. And I am extremely grateful for the fact that I still have you by my side to help me, but I don’t want you to make the same mistake Gustus did. He didn’t trust me to know what I was doing and he paid for it with his life. So, I ask that you do. Trust me. I don’t make a choice without thinking a few steps ahead, without weighing the benefits and the losses. My feelings for Clarke will not cloud my judgement on what is best for our people** ,” Lexa explained as Indra seemed to think about her words and give her a nod of agreement.

“ **Very well, I will trust the Commander’s judgement in regard to the Sky Girl. But now, asking Lexa, how do you feel about her being around?** ” Indra inquired. Lexa let out a chuckle.

“ **That is something I admit I do not know. She makes me feel things that not even Costia did and the most physical contact we had was an innocent kiss shared in this tent before the battle. She challenges me, she pushes me, she questions me, she shows no obedience or deference to my position and all of this should make me despise her, but it only makes me feel for her even more. It makes me intrigued. She intrigues me** ,” Lexa spoke.

“ **I am sorry to say Lexa but that sounds a lot like love** ,” Indra offered. Lexa shook her head.

“ **I know and the more I try to stop it from growing, the more it grows. I need her, Indra. Having her away from me is driving me crazy and I want her here with me, in my arms, forever. But because I am Commander first, I can’t have her** ,” Lexa complaints, lowering her head and looking at the ground.

“ **I don’t know. Maybe this time you two will spend together can help you both grow closer and she might find it in her to forgive you and give you a chance** ,” Indra tried to comfort her. Lexa looked up at the general with a slimmer of hope in her eyes brought on by her words of encouragement. ‘Oh yes, love indeed.’ Indra thought.

“ **You really think so Indra? You really think Clarke will one day forgive me and give me a chance to be together like a couple?** ” Lexa asked with a hint of childish eagerness that reminded the hardened warrior of when her Commander was not but a small child herself.

“ **Yes, I believe that. From what I have seen of her when you are around or is even mentioned and when the two of you are together in the same room, whatever you feel for her, she feels the same for you too. So yes, once the anger over your betrayal is gone, I believe she will find her way back to you as long as you are there waiting for her** ,” Indra spoke truthfully.

“ **I would wait an eternity for her if that was what it took, Indra** ,” Lexa said firmly, leaving no trace of doubt in Indra’s mind of how much these two girls seem to love one another.

“ **Then, don’t give up on her. You are not a quitter, Lexa. You don’t give up just because things got hard. You keep on fighting. If you could get 12 clans to work together, you can get one Sky Girl to forgive you. You just need to be ready to work for it** ,” Indra said.

Lexa got thinking about Indra’s words and she could see that the older woman was right. Even if her head reminded her of the dangers she could pose to Clarke, Lexa could hear Costia telling her that she was worth the risk and that if she felt that way, then Clarke would feel it ten times more. She had to believe she could protect Clarke better than she did with Costia and not let anything get in the way of being with the one person she knows deep in her heart she was always destined to be with. She was meant for Clarke and Clarke was meant for her.

And Indra was right. She didn’t quit because some obstacles appeared on her path. She kept on going, kept on fighting for what she wanted and by the Spirits, she wanted Clarke. She just needed to prove to the girl that she wasn’t wrong in loving her, if she was lucky that love was what Clarke felt for her. She would have to do better, be better and hope that it will show through her actions how sorry she is for hurting the blonde and that she will try her damn best to never hurt her in any way again, personal or political.

“ **You’re right. I will not give up on Clarke. She is worth the effort. I let Costia slip away from me. I will not repeat that same mistake again, not with Clarke. I will give her the time she needs and once she is ready, I will court her the way she deserves and hopefully make her fall in love with me and convince her to take this chance** ,” Lexa said determinate.

“ **There is just one problem though. Nia** ,” Indra offered.

“ **If she even looks at Clarke the wrong way, I will cut off her head faster than she can say snow ball. She will not harm Clarke in any way. If she tries it, I will make her regret the day she was born** ,” Lexa said with some much hardness and venom in her voice that Indra was afraid for Nia. It would not do her any good, making the same mistake again.

With that in mind, Indra bid Lexa goodnight before excusing herself from the tent, leaving the young brunette alone with her thoughts. And for once, the future was suddenly looking good for her. She would not give up on Clarke, on them. She knew it was no coincidence Clarke fell on her lands, in the middle of her clan and during her time as Commander. They were meant to be and Lexa would work for Clarke’s forgiveness. Hopefully, it will be enough. Finally feeling good for a change, Lexa went to bed and let sleep claim her, with a smile on her face.


	29. Tough Revelations

Back in Arkadia, Clarke had retired to her room quite early after they arrived, she seemed quite shaken up by whatever happened inside the tent with the Commander and the emotional conversation she had with Bellamy over bombs and sacrificing friends so she decided to go to sleep, but Bellamy and Raven went to the dining hall, just the two of them to talk among themselves. They were sitting down across from each other, drinking whatever beverage was it called, they had just asked for a drink and this was what was given to them.

“This is good stuff. At least, they had good taste in booze,” Raven said as she dawned her drink in one go, Bellamy doing the same and nodding.

“Yeah, it’s good.” He said putting his glass down and looking around as Raven looked at him.

“Okay, Bell, spit it out. What is going on with you?” She asked him although she already had an idea on what the answer to that was and she was sure it had something to do with a certified blonde. He sighed before looking at her.

“I’m worried about Clarke,” He told her, worriedly. Bingo. She knew that one already.

“Clarke is strong,” She spoke to him. He nodded his head as he knew that fact.

“Yeah, but she is not invincible. Did you see how she was when she came out of the Commander’s tent? Something went in inside that place. Something bad, for her to be like that,” He said being pretty convinced of it while Raven had other thoughts in her head about what could possibly have happened between those two.

“If it was that bad, she would have told us. But I don’t think it was. I think it was just a hard conversation, I mean. Lexa betrayed her and they were, uhm, friends. So maybe it was just hard dealing with her again so soon,” Raven tried to reason but he shook his head.

“I don’t know. I didn’t feel like it was just that. Clarke wasn’t that shaken up even the day after we did what we did. How could one meeting with the Commander be so bad that she would look like she had seen a ghost? She was shaking, Raven. Literally shaking. What could that girl have done to her that would leave her like that? If she said anything to Clarke, I swear to God, I’ll…” He was saying, or threatening in this case, but Raven interrupted him.

“You’re not going to do anything, Bellamy. Especially not against the Commander and especially not on Clarke’s name,” She said firmly as he looked at her, “Clarke is doing everything she can to keep this cease fire between both of our people, you will not put that on jeopardy because you want to play the part of her knight in shining armor. Even because she doesn’t need one. She may not be invincible, but she is stronger than we give her credit for,” Raven said to him firmly. Reckless Bellamy was a danger for everyone.

“I’m not trying to do that. I am just worried about her. I want what is best for her,” He said, trying to explain his behavior. Raven only shook her head.

“The only one who knows what is best for Clarke is Clarke, Bellamy,” She said before she continued. “You and Finn are the same. You both think you know what is best for her and you act on it without stopping to ask her what the hell does she want for herself. That is how Finn ended up in that village, massacring those innocent people. That is how he ended up dead, forcing her to drive a knife through his heart, Bellamy. He was trying to make decisions that are hers and hers alone to make. Don’t do the same.”

“I am just worried about my friend, Raven. I don’t want to see her suffer in the hands of the Commander. Besides, I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t do what Finn did,” He said to her dismissively, but she only scoffed at those words.

“No, you are right. You wouldn’t do what he did because you would do a lot worse. You’re talking about the freaking Commander of the grounders, Bell. Do you have any idea what they would do to us if one of us did something like that to her? They would wipe us out, no questions asked, no arguments and pleads to be made, nothing. Just plain and simple war. Do you think Clarke wants to be the reason for that, huh? She already blames herself for what Finn did. She doesn’t need more stupidity or hero complexes to deal with,” Raven warned him.

“I just want to protect her, to keep her safe Raven. She has been through so much in just a month and she keeps on giving when she is asked, you know she doesn’t take care of herself. Someone has to do it. You know how she felt about closing the drop ship door on me and Finn. You know how she felt about having to kill him, letting the missile drop and having to kill everyone inside the mountain. It was too much in a short amount of time. I just afraid she will break and we won’t get her back if that happens,” He opened up to her and she nodded.

“Yeah, I know. I worry about that same thing too but Bellamy, Clarke is a grown ass woman. She can make decisions for herself even if they are the wrong ones. It’s her life, she gets to make her own mistakes, to bang her own head against the wall, to regret what she has done and what she hasn’t done too. That, all of that is up to her and all you can do, all you should do is offer support through those decisions and to be there for her if they don’t work out how she wants it too. That is what I am trying to do for her now.

You know how bad our relationship got after she had to kill Finn. It was bad, we would just lose out temper with each other because of the smallest of things. We would snap on each other for petty reasons, more like me snapping and her apologizing, and it was destroying our friendship even if that was not what I wanted at all. So being in that mountain and knowing what she had to do to save us, it made me realize that we can never understand the burdens she has to bear on her own and that what I was doing was only hurting her more so I decided to stop my toxic behavior towards her and change it.

So now, now I am being a friend to her. I am letting her move at her own pace and I am supporting her the way a friend is supposed to support another. That is what you need to do for her. Be there for her when she needs you to be and be away from her when she needs you to be as well. Respect her wishes, even if you don’t like them,” Raven finished her speech to him and decided to broach the subject she was dying to ask him about.

“Bellamy, tell me the truth. Do you have feelings for Clarke? Romantic type of feelings.” She asked him and he seemed shocked by it.

“Why do you say that?” He asked her and she shrugged.

“Because the way you are talking about her is the same way Finn used to talk about her. Like someone who is in love with her. That is why I am asking and you can tell me. It will not leave this conversation,” She said to him and he shook his head before looking at her and sighing.

“The truth is I don’t know,” He said to her. She frowned.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” She asked him and he sighed again.

“I think I do, you know, have feelings for her but at the Mountain, I met this grounder and we had a connection so I don’t know what the hell I am feeling but all I do know is that I want to protect Clarke at all costs,” Bellamy tried to explain and Raven sighed. This love square thing between her friends and the grounders was getting complicated.

“Who is this grounder you’re talking about?” Raven asked him.

“Her name is Echo. She saved my life in there. Twice actually.” He answered her honestly.

“And you think there was a connection between you two?” She asked him and he nodded.

“I felt something, I don’t know about her, but then there is Clarke. I have felt something, feelings for her growing inside of me since we were on the dropship and there is something there, I think but I don’t know if it’s the right time for me to even try anything yet. I mean, she is still healing. I don’t want to force anything on her,” He explained to the mechanic.

“Yeah, I get it,” Something told Raven that there was something on the romantic side going on between Clarke and Lexa which would be the reason why Clarke always seem so shaken up whenever the brunette Commander is mentioned or near her and she would talk to the blonde girl on that matter. In another note, Raven wasn’t sure that there wasn’t also something romantic on Clarke’s side when it came to Bellamy either. Like she was thinking previously, complicated is the word to describe this situation going on between both of her friends.

“Do you think she feels something for me as well? Like something more than just friendship?” Bellamy asked her and Raven didn’t know how to get out of that situation, so she decided to be as diplomatic as possible while also trying not to lie to her friend about her other friend.

“I don’t know Bellamy, we haven’t talked about it and I hadn’t been paying much attention to her. With you, it was just obvious. But one thing I know is that she is not ready for anything right now. Most likely, she doesn’t think she is entitled to happiness after what she has done. Bullshit but if I know Clarke, that is exactly what she is thinking. So, you need to give her time and space to sort out her feelings by herself before you can tell her of your own and in the meantime, try to understand your feelings for both Clarke and Echo. Really find out what you feel for them,” Raven advised him. He nodded pondering over her words.

“You think I may be projecting my feelings for Clarke? That I don’t really feel that way about her?” He asked her, not understanding what she was saying exactly.

“The only person who can honestly answer those questions is you Bellamy. I can’t tell you what it is that you feel for Clarke. I have no right and I have no clue. I don’t know how strong and or nature those feelings are. All I know is that I noticed you treat her differently than you treat anyone else so that was why I asked but beyond that, I cannot help you buddy. You are going to have to figure it out by yourself,” She explained to him and he nodded.

“Yeah, you’re right. I need to figure it out before I ever think about bringing it up to her,” Bellamy said before he smiled at Raven, “Thank you for listening to me and for helping me. I am really glad we are friends, Raven. You are awesome.”

Raven looked at him and chuckled. “Please, Blake. Tell me something I don’t know. and for the record, you are a good friend too. Very reckless, but you got a good heart.”

“Thanks. I think I am going to try and get some rest. Something tells me that the next weeks will be pretty ruthless,” He said and she nodded agreeing with him and with that, they both got up from their table and went on their way to their respective rooms to try and get some sleep. Tomorrow would be a brand-new day and brand-new problems to solve would surely be waiting for them so why not take advantage of the nice period of calm before the storm?

Meanwhile back in the camp near TonDC, Octavia and Lincoln were in their tent after rounds and rounds of love making. Octavia had her head laid on her boyfriend’s broad chest as she curled into his side and he wrapped a protective arm around her. They had gotten back to their camp along with Indra who had been notified that the Commander had retired to her tent and asked to not be bothered for the rest of the day. They had figured that whatever went on inside the tent between Lexa and Clarke was tough given the state the blonde was in when she finally walked out with Bellamy having to escort her away.

Octavia was deep in thoughts that had been wondering around in her head for a while now and she decided to broach the subject with her boyfriend, “Lincoln?” She called and he hummed in acknowledgement before she asked, “What exactly is the relationship you have with the Commander? You seem to know her better than the normal warrior.”

He took a deep breath in before he let it all out finally answering her, “That is because I do. I met Lexa long before she ever thought about being Commander. We were friends growing up, in a way, we still are, but her position makes it a bit difficult at times.”

“How did you meet her?” She asked him, finally voicing all the curious question she had about his past with their Commander and he tensed a little.

“That I cannot answer because it involves revealing some of her private secrets and I can’t do that but I can tell you I met her when she was only three years old. She was so smart and independent for a girl her age, it scared me at first but she was also so innocent you couldn’t help but love her,” He told her as he remembered his first meeting with Lexa.

Octavia then looked up at him before he caught her gaze and looked down at her, “Were you two really close before she became Commander?”

He nodded at her before he looked back up at the ceiling of their tent, “As close as it was possible to be with a possible future Commander. It drove her teacher crazy when she would sneak out along with Luna and her brother Lamar so the four of us could play around in the capitol, terrorizing the vendors and all. We had great times together.”

“What happened then? Why did you stop being friends?” She asked him. He shook his head.

“We didn’t stop being friends but things changed in a way none of us were prepared too. The conclave happened to choose the next Commander. Lexa won the conclave and ascended as the new Commander of our people at the age of 12. I suddenly became a warrior bound to obey Lexa’s orders, Luna retreated into the Boat Clan, finding solace within their people. And Lamar died, hence why Luna ran away from everything that could remind her of him. We are all still friends, but it’s different than it was before,” He explained to her and Octavia prompted herself on her elbow before looking at him.

“I am sorry you lost your friend. It must have been hard,” She said trying to offer some sort of comfort and Lincoln was grateful for it. No one but Lexa and Luna ever felt sorry for his loss.

“It was. It still is, especially to Luna but it has gotten better with time,” He told her but of course he didn’t reveal that it was harder for Luna not only because it was her brother who died but because she was also the one who had killed him.

“I’m sorry it brought it up,” She apologized to him but he just shook his head.

“There is no need to apologize. I don’t have a problem with talking about him. I don’t want to forget him so it is okay that you asked,” He told her before he moved forward and captured her lips on his and sweetly kissed her.

They stayed like that for a while, simply kissing and savoring the taste of each other’s lips before Octavia pulled back, “I think we should go to sleep. Something tells me tomorrow Lexa won’t be singing about rainbows in the sky given her talk with Clarke today.” Lincoln nodded his head in agreement and the couple finally settled down for the night, falling asleep tangled in each other’s arms, happy to have one another.


	30. Good Help

The next day, Clarke woke up after another terrifying nightmare, only this time, instead of seeing the Mountain Men dying, she saw Lexa’s body filled with blisters, she could see the brunette’s ragged breath as she looked up at Clarke with those big and beautiful green eyes of hers and begged Clarke to help her. The blonde tried to move, to go to her to help, but her body wouldn’t listen to her command, so she just stayed there watching as the girl died in front of her. She woke up with a start, sitting up on the bed and noticing that she was drenched in sweat as well as shaking.

That had been one of the most intense and horrible nightmares that she has had since the defeat of the Mountain and she hated every single minute of it. She hated the image of Lexa dying, either by a sword, arrow, spear, missile, gun, whatever the weapon was. She hated the thought of Lexa dying, period. The thought of a world where Lexa doesn’t exist in, even with the distance, physical and emotional, that they were in at the moment, was beyond horrifying. Clarke couldn’t help but feel calmer knowing that Lexa was alive somewhere not too far from here, and that was the way it is supposed to be.

As she thought about the older girl, Clarke remembered that today she was supposed to go with Jasper to the reconstruction of TonDC to help the grounders, so she quickly got rid of the blanket and went to her bathroom, deciding that there was no point in trying to go to sleep and that it was best to start her day since she knew it would be a busy one, not just physically but emotionally as well. She had her sponge bath, got dressed and went out of her room towards the food hall to get something to eat before she went searching for the skinny boy. She grabbed herself a plate and sat down on the table and started eating.

Not too long after that, two people joined her, one sitting beside her while the other was sitting across from her and when she looked up from her plate, she could see that it was Raven and Bellamy, respectively. “Good morning, Clarke,” Bellamy said, greeting her with a smile.

She looked at him and gave him a small smile in return. “Morning, Bell,” She greeted him back.

“What’s up, Griff?” Raven said, in her own way, making Clarke chuckle at her.

“Good morning to you too Raven. What are you guys doing up so early?” She asked them and she meant it. It was a little after 6 in the morning according to the clock.

“Well, you said that you would be going to TonDC to help rebuild it, so we talked and decided we are going with you. I knew you would be getting up early so I put in the alarm clock and when I got up, I went for Bellamy, we went to your room but you were already gone so we came and found you here,” Raven said as she started eating and Clarke was a little surprised.

“Well, I appreciate it guys, really, I do, but you don’t have to do that. I’ll be safe besides I’m the one who owes it to them to help them rebuild what it’s partially my fault that got destroyed in the first place, not you,” She said to them, but they simply shook their head.

“You’re right. We don’t have to do it, but the thing is we want to do it. We want to help, besides, I would be much more relaxed if we came with you. We can’t exactly tr…” Bellamy was saying but Raven interrupted him.

“What Bell is trying to say is that we would love to help you help those people. Besides, we were all involved in the missile thing, in one way or another, so it’s only fair we contribute as well. And we could earn some points with the grounders, as a bonus factor in this so really. We’re helping you. End of story,” Ravens aid to the blonde who only smiled at her and nodded.

“Very well but I don’t want you guys getting into trouble with them. The peace is fragile. Anything can lead to something much bigger and we really don’t want that. So, it doesn’t matter how angry you are at them or how angry you get, please, don’t do anything to jeopardize this truce we have with them. We don’t need another war. I don’t need another war,” She pleaded with them, thankfully they both nodded, understanding her request.

They were silent for a little while, simply enjoying their food when Bellamy broke the silence and spoke, looking at Clarke, asking her a question he had been waiting to ask since yesterday after they got back, “Are you okay? You were kind of quiet yesterday after you talked with the Commander and then, when we got here, you went straight into your room. I was worried,”

“Yeah, I’m okay. I was just tired when we got back and was feeling really sleepy so that is why I retired earlier to my room. I promise I’m fine,” She answered him.

“I’m only saying that because you seemed really distressed once you came out of her tent and I couldn’t, I can’t help but wonder why. Clarke, please tell me. Did the Commander do something to you?” He asked her, letting his concern and worry shine through in his voice and on his face. And the truthful answer would be yes. Lexa did something to her, she kept doing something to her whenever she saw the girl. She did something to her heart, that’s for sure, but she couldn’t say that to him, so she shook her head.

“No, Bell. She didn’t hurt me, okay? I promise. And I was a little shaken up because it was a difficult conversation to have but that’s all. I swear she didn’t hurt me,” Clarke tried to reassure him that she was indeed okay and hoped he would leave it at that.

“Are you sure?” He asked, and it seemed he believed her words. She couldn’t help but let out a silent sigh of relief before she nodded her head, smiling at him, trying to be believable.

“I’m completely sure. Lexa will not hurt me. That is one thing I know for sure,” She answered him and they both nodded, and agreement having been made on the subject.

Meanwhile, as she watched the dynamic between two of her friends as well as she paid attention on their conversation, Raven wasn’t stupid enough or blind enough, like Bellamy, not to notice the way Clarke chose to answer Bellamy’s second question. He hadn’t asked her if the Commander hurt her or not. But, that was how she answered and the mechanic couldn’t help, but wonder if that answer meant that something did happen between those two inside the tent. Raven would put her curiosity aside for when she got to talk to Clarke one on one.

They were still talking about different subject when Monty and Wick joined the small group at their table, Monty sitting beside Bellamy and Wick sitting beside Raven. “So, guys, when are we leaving for the grounder village?” Monty asked them and Clarke looked at him in shock.

“Don’t tell me you’re coming with me to the village as well?” She asked him. This was taking a turn that she did not expect, like at all.

Monty looked at her as if she was asking the most stupid question, “My best friend spend all day there and the rest of my friends are going to be spending their days there as well. There is no way I am not going, Clarke,” Monty answered her, firmly.

“And before you ask, I am going because one, I helped Jasper escape a few times and I want to know for sure that I didn’t make a bad decision and two because I am very curious and very much interested to see how things are built here on the ground. Which methods or tools they use, you know?” Wick said nudging Raven who just scoffed at him.

“Look you guys. I understand you want to come, but you have to promise you will behave. I don’t want trouble with the grounders, okay? And as I already warned these two here, we don’t need more war, so please, don’t do anything stupid,” Clarke warned them seriously.

They nodded their heads in agreement at her words, “Don’t worry. We got it. We won’t do anything stupid or that can cause a war between our people,” Monty said to her as Wick agreed with him and Clarke nodded her head as they finished eating and stood up.

“I am going to warn Kane about our plans so that he knows where we are and so there won’t be any trouble finding us, just in case. I will be right back. Take the time to get the Rover ready. As soon as I get back, I want to be on the road,” Clarke said to them and they nodded as she left the hall and went in search of the man. She found him inside the new Chancellor’s office.

He seemed to be working on a map. She knocked on the open door, calling for his attention but getting no response. “Kane,” She called out as he finally registered the noise before he looked at her and gave her a warm smile.

“I’m sorry, Clarke. I was distracted. Please, come in,” He said urging her to enter the room and she stepped inside, coming to stand by his side.

“This is looking nice,” She said looking at the board. They were mapping out the clans around them, the roads, and all of that. It was good information to have.

“Yeah, I’m doing my best to make it readable. But as you can see drawing is kind of your strength, not mine. I mean you would do a much better job at this than me, so I’m not sure if I have managed to achieve readable or not,” He joked around and she chuckled at that before he continued, “Jokes aside, this is still very crude. Since we only got the permission from the Commander yesterday to map out the rest, we still haven’t gone out so it’s still incomplete, but once we do, it will be more accurate than this.”

“Don’t worry. I can safely say you achieved readable and it’s even better than that so don’t be discouraged. And as for the permission, given the truce we have with them, we have time,” She encouraged him as he nodded at her.

“Well, enough about me. Why are you here? Is something wrong? Did anything bad happened?” He asked her, worriedly and she shook her head.

“No, nothing bad happened. It’s just when we went to talk to the Commander, she told me Jasper was helping her people rebuild TonDC, so I decided to help do that as well, especially given how I am partially responsible for what happened and since Jasper is going there, the others have decided to go and to help as well. I just came to let you know so you won’t be worried about us and so that you know where to find us if you need us,” She explained to him and he nodded.

“To be honest, I wasn’t expecting something like that to happen, but I applaud you for it, Clarke. It’s a beautiful attitude of you and the others to go and help the grounders. Perhaps after I have finished helping your Mom reformulate the Council and deal with this mapping thing, I might even join you going there,” He told her while she smiled.

“Whenever you want, you will be more than welcomed to join us,” She told him.

“Well, if that was all, you’re more than free to go,” He said to her.

Clarke nodded and turned around to leave before something came up to her, so she turned back to look at the man, “Kane? My mom, do you know where she is?” She asked him and he looked at her before he nodded his head with a small smile on his face.

“She is in her quarters. I finally managed to convince her that things were going smoothly enough that it was okay for her to go to sleep,” He answered the young girl.

“Can you do me a favor and explain everything to her when she wakes up? I don’t want her to be worrying about me more than she normally does,” Clarke asked him.

“Of course. No problem,” He agreed with her request.

She gave him a smile. “Thanks, Kane. For everything,” She said to him and he shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it. Just have a nice day,” He said smiling at her and Clarke finally left the room, walking back towards the garage where her friends were waiting for her.

“So, all good?” Raven asked her when she got close and the blonde nodded her head.

“Yep, it is. Kane was actually very pleased with the news and wished us good luck,” She said to her best friend before she turned to look at the older engineer. “Wick, has Jasper left already?” Clarke asked the guy as they entered the rover.

“A long time ago, actually. Jasper leaves camp as soon as he wakes up. He has breakfast there with the grounders, I think,” He answered her question.

The boys got in the back of the car while the girl took up the front seats. Raven was driving and Clarke was on the passenger seat. Soon enough, the gates of Arkadia opened for them and they started their journey directly towards the village. Luckily, raven had paid attention and already knew her way. Besides, there was no point in going to the grounder camp first. There was nothing there for them so to TonDc, it was. It took them about 1 hour to get there, but soon enough, they came to stop in the entrance of the village.

“Leave your weapons here. We are not allowed to enter the village armed,” Clarke instructed the boys who silently nodded and did as she told them to, getting rid of their weapons, leaving inside the car, locked away, before they left the vehicle and moved towards the entrance. Clarke was about to speak and explain what they were doing there, but surprisingly so, the guards already nodded their heads at her and simply stepped aside to let them in.

“The Commander must have warned them we were coming,” Clarke tried to explain to her group before she walked inside the village with her friends following behind her. They could feel some of the looks they were receiving, especially Clarke but she decided to ignore it.

“Hey you,” They heard a voice calling for them and they looked to see that it was Octavia approaching them from the side. The younger Blake came and hugged them all even Clarke, who was a little taken aback, before the girl went and tucked herself into her brother’s side.

“You’re all here early than we were expecting,” She told them, and they simply nodded at her, acknowledging her words.

“Where can we begin?” Monty asked the girl.

“That I don’t know, Monty. The Commander and the Master are over there discussing the project. You are going to have to ask them where you can work first. They are the ones in charge of this whole thing so it’s really up to them to decide,” Octavia said pointing towards two people who were hunched over a small table.

“And, what do we do exactly? Do we just go up to them and ask? Call them to come over here? Wait for them to notice us?” Wick asked not having a clue on how to act around these people and Octavia shrugged her shoulders.

“You could do all of that or I can take you there, if you feel more comfortable,” She offered.

“I think it’s best for everyone if you help us this time, Pocahontas. We don’t need Wick here to unintentionally offend the Commander,” Raven said pointing at the guy standing beside her and Octavia chuckled at the nickname the mechanic seemed to have given her. She liked it.

“Okay, then follow me.” She said and started walking towards the Commander and Clarke took a deep breath before following and it didn’t take long before they got to their destination. “ _Heda_ ,” Octavia called for the brunette.

Lexa turned around to look at the second when she finally noticed that the girl wasn’t alone. There were others with her and Lexa’s eyes couldn’t help but find their way to lock on Clarke’s but as usual since what happened at the Mountain, the blonde looked away.

“The Sky People honors us with their presence. Welcome. I hope your trip was uneventful and without trouble,” Lexa said politely and as the leader, Clarke knew it was up to her to answer.

“It was, Commander. Thank you for asking and thank you for letting us help today,” She greeted the brunette back as politely as she could muster while Lexa simply gave her a small nod in acknowledgment.

“You’re welcome. I guess introductions are required. This is Master Yaegar, he is in charge of the construction. Master Yaegar, these are Wick, Monty, Raven, Bellamy and Clarke. They’re Skaikru,” Lexa introduced them to the bearded man.

“ _Wanheda_?” He asked Lexa while looking at Clarke.

 _“_ **Do not call her that, Master** _,_ ” Lexa warned him in a dangerously low tone of voice and he immediately understood the warning, nodding his head.

“ **My apologies, Commander. Sky Princess is better?** ” He said and the Commander nodded.

“ _Skai Prisa_ , it’s an honor to meet you,” He said looking at Clarke who didn’t understand what was going on between those two.

“What does Skai Prisa means?” Clarke asked while looking at Lexa, but it was Octavia the one who answered her question.

“It means Sky Princess,” She told them.

Raven chuckled at that. “Of course, it is,” She said, laughing a little.

“Commander, we came here to know where we can start working,” Bellamy said bursting the bubble Clarke and Lexa seemed to be in, making the two of them break the eye contact they had. Lexa tensed immediately, straightening her posture while dealing with him.

“Well, Octavia told me that she suspected this group would come. However, I think it’s best if you yourself decide where you want to help, where your skill will be better used so you can check the project and choose,” Lexa said motioning to the paper on the table. They moved towards it to check and Raven, Monty and Wick gasped at what they saw.

“Oh my freaking God,” Raven said checking it as Clarke and Bellamy looked at their friends.

“Yeah, what she said,” Wick replied, in awe.

“This is one hell of a project,” Monty offered, still surprised by what he was seeing.

Clarke and Bellamy then looked at it and even they could see, it really was a very good project. The drawings were very well done, the same with the calculations of what would be needed, the distance, all of it. “Did you do this? Master Yaegar, right?” Monty asked as they all looked at the man in question who gave them a small chuckle.

“No, I only build. The project was done by _Heda_ herself,” He said nodding towards the Commander leaving the Sky People shocked, Clarke included.

“You did this?” The blonde asked and Lexa looked at her and nodded.

“Yes. Thank you for the compliments. I don’t think is very good. I only had two days to make it, so they are a few modifications to be made until it’s good enough but I am glad you liked it,” Lexa explained and the engineers’ and the mechanic’s jaws were on the floor.

“Two days? You did this in two days? Wow. You’re awesome.” Wick said.

“Thank you but please go ahead and choose.” Lexa said.

Everyone made their choices, Monty choosing to be near Jasper, the last ones where Clarke and Bellamy. He motioned for her to come forward and choose first, so she did and looked around before pointing at someplace, “And there? What is that place?” Clarke asked and Lexa looked at her briefly before turning her gaze to the house the blonde was pointing at and smiled at little before turning back to her.

“That is the house of the eldest couple in the village. I’m helping rebuild it. Why?” She answered the blonde’s question, making one of her own, but Clarke simply nodded.

“I will help them, see if they need anything. If they are so old, their health must need to be checked. I can do that,” She replied, and Lexa was still unsure of what to do but nodded anyway, happy about the fact that the blonde would be working close to her. Bellamy though, knew better than to let Clarke stay by herself in the same place as the Commander.

“I’ll stay here and help as well,” He quickly offered, but Clarke could see right through him, she could see his reasons wot want and stay close to her. But, if there was one thing she knew for sure, without a doubt, it was that Bellamy, Lexa and herself in the same place was a incredibly gigantic bad idea and it seemed like Octavia agreed with her because she quickly intervened.

“If you don’t mind, _Heda_ , I would actually prefer my brother to stay with me. After all, we haven’t seen each other properly in quite some time. It would be good to catch up a little more with him,” The warrior said to her Commander and Bellamy looked at her confusedly as he felt troubled because what she said was true and he wanted to spend time with his sister as well but leaving Clarke with The Commander alone? He wasn’t so sure about that.

“Don’t worry, Octavia. We got more than enough hands helping rebuild the houses over there. Your brother is more than free to join you. And if no one has any more questions, we should get to work.” Lexa said. When everyone shook their heads, saying they had no more questions, Lexa turned to Master Yaegar and spoke to him.

“ **Do you understand the instructions?** ” She asked him.

“ **Perfectly so, Commander,** ” He answered her question.

“ **Very well** ,” Lexa said to him and gave a small nod to the others  before she started walking away from where they were and in the direction of the house she was working on, with Clarke following right behind her after she bid goodbye to her friends.

“Okay, guys. Let’s get started,” Octavia said to the rest of them and quickly pulled her brother away as their friends started to spread out along the village.


	31. Trikru & Azgeda

After seeing Lexa go up on top of the house to work on the ceiling, which bothered Clarke for all the right reasons yet reasons she ignored, the blonde leader went to help the owners of the house who were on the other side, sitting down and looking towards their house that was being rebuilt by their Commander and like Lexa had said, they were very old people so Clarke tried to be as nice, warm and welcoming as she possibly could to make sure they were comfortable to let her check on them. “Hi, my name is Clarke Griffin. I’m a healer of the Sky People, do you mind if I check on you?” She asked them gently and they nodded smiling at her.

“We don’t mind at all, child. Go right ahead. Maybe this one here will finally let a healer make sure he is okay,” The woman said pointing at the man beside her who only shook his head and Clarke smiled at them. They seemed like a very cute couple. So, without further ado, she grabbed her medical kit and went to the woman to check on her blood pressure first.

“You told us your name and we forgot to tell you ours. Must be the age catching up to us. My name is Cat and this is my husband, Anibal,” The elder woman said introducing them, extending her arm for Clarke to grip

Clarke smiled at what Cat said before she took the elder’s arm, shaking it as she nodded at them, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Cat and Anibal.”

“How old are you, child?” Anibal asked Clarke as he watched her take care of his wife.

“I turned 18 years old two weeks ago,” She answered as she continued with the examination on Cat, everything so far being more than okay with the older woman.

“By the Spirit of the Commander, you are so young,” Cat said chuckling a little and Clarke smiled right back at her.

“You look young too Cat. How old are you? 55? 50?” Clarke said to her, sweetly and Cat could only laugh at what the blonde had said.

“Child, I wish I was that young. No, I’m not 50. I’m 82 years old and that grumpy man over there, he is 86 years old. We’re really old people, you see,” Cat told Clarke.

The blonde smiled at the couple as she finished checking on Cat, “Well, you look very young and are very healthy for an 82-year-old woman,” before moving towards Anibal and begun checking on him too. “How long have you two been married?”

“65 years and counting. Thank you very much,” He said jokingly as his wife slightly punched him in the arm making everyone chuckle, including Clarke.

“Wow, that is a lot of years to spend with someone. I got to tell you both something. I hardly know people who are 65 years old, much less couples who have actually spent that amount of time together,” She told them and the couple smiled.

“I can imagine,” Anibal said to her as she checked on his lungs, “I will tell you one thing. It was not easy for us to get to this point. You are aware of how life is down here by now, are you not?” He asked her and Clarke could only nod her head, she was more than aware of how it was, so he continued, “We have seen many wars over the course of those years. This is not the first time we had to rebuild our house because of an attack but we always knew one thing. That no matter what we had to face, we would always do it together. Be it a war, be it a marriage, be it death. I tell you I don’t go anywhere without my Cat being right there with me and that is how you spend 65 years together.”

“That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard in my life. And I could only wish I could find someone like you found Cat to love me like that and be with me for that long,” Clarke told them and without thinking about it, her mind conjured up the image of a pair of beautiful green eyes, as if showing her she had already found that person, but she pushed it far away from her mind. It would not do well for her to go there.

“You know, you are very pretty, with hair the color of the sun. I am sure you will find someone to appreciate you and love you in the way you deserve,” Cat said to her while Clarke took Anibal’s blood pressure. Everything was okay with him as well.

“Thank you and I want that too. However, I got to say, I have nothing on you Cat. You are one very beautiful woman yourself,” Clarke said smiling at the older woman who chuckled at her.

“That’s what I keep telling her for the last 65 years and now, she refuses to believe me saying she is too old, with too many wrinkles on her face even though I think they are beautiful. Maybe now, she will believe you,” Anibal said pouting and both Clarke and Cat laughed at him.

“So how is like to be married for so long?” Clarke asked them as she pulled a chair and sat in front of them. She was really enjoying spending time talking to them. They seemed like great people and she really liked them as they have seemed to like her as well.

“People don’t stay married for a long time where you come from?” Cat asked her curious about how it was done in the Sky and Clarke shook her head.

“Most of them do, but it is not for more than 25 years. A lot of the couples end up splitting up, separating. Why? Is it different here? All couples stay together until death do them apart?” She explained a bit before asking them and Anibal nodded his head.

“Life here is the most precious thing we have. Time is a luxury. Love is a dream. So, if you get those things, you don’t waste them. You hold onto them for as long as you possibly can. Here if you pledge to spend the rest of your life with a person, only death can separate you. We take our vows very seriously,” He explained as Clarke nodded in understanding.

“Many people get married down here?” Clarke asked them and they both nodded their heads.

“They do, yes. And being the eldest in the village, it means we got to see many couples pledge themselves to each other and it’s all very beautiful. It always gives us hope for the future. It is very appreciated by all of us, in every clan,” Cat replied to the question.

“However, there is one marriage that I wished to see it happen before I died. One very special marriage we haven’t witnessed in all the years we have been together,” Anibal said as he looked to his wife, and she nodded already knowing which one he was speaking about

Clarke saw the exchange and couldn’t help but be extremely curious about is so she didn’t contain her curiosity and asked Anibal, “Which marriage would that be?”

“It’s said that the most beautiful wedding in all of the 12 clans. And that would be, of course, the Commander’s wedding,” He answered her, and Clarke’s breath hitched at the mention of Lexa’s title and marriage in the same phrase.

“Really?” She asked trying to hide the tremble in her voice and managed to do it. How? She had no idea, especially given how the subject was messing with her feelings, feelings she had been fighting to keep hidden far away from her reach but that seemed to only grow bigger and stronger, that only made her think about a certain brunette leader more and more.

“Yes, it is however it has been a long time since a Commander has gotten married. I think I was 12 years old during the reign of Commander Joel of the Woods Clan. It happened in Polis since it is our capitol and it was very beautiful. My father took me there to trade, trying to teach me the ropes of the job and we had to stay the whole week. We witnessed everything. It was one of the most beautiful events I had ever seen. For the first time, the leaders of the clans had gotten together without killing each other in respect to Joel. It was a beautiful ceremony and he was the last Commander to ever get married,” He told her the story.

Clarke was in awe of how much knowledge the couple has, and she was even more impressed with the story Anibal was telling her. She could only make the images in her head of what she thought the wedding of a Commander would be like. But as she imagined it, suddenly she saw herself and Lexa in the position of the couple getting married and that made her recoil, trying to completely ignore the fluttering and the butterflies she felt in her stomach at the mere thought of finding herself in that situation with Lexa so with that in mind, she tried to focus back on her conversation with the delightful couple in front of her.

“It’s a shame that now they teach the novitiates that being Commander is to be alone and that they shouldn’t expect to ever get married or even to find love,” Anibal said to his wife and she nodded grimly, however Clarke was stuck with what she has just heard.

“Wait a second, are you telling me that the Commander was taught that to be a good Commander she has to be alone?” She asked them shocked by what Anibal had said.

“Our son once worked as a teacher for the novitiates and he told us that the first thing they are taught as kids is that they can’t have families, they can’t have wives or husbands, they can’t have kids, all because love is weakness and that they live to serve the people and only the people,” Cat said to the blonde girl.

“That is completely ridiculous and an absurd, also a bold lie. Love is never weakness. Love is always strength. It is what keeps us going,” Clarke said firmly. She couldn’t even imagine a little version of Lexa hearing that she couldn’t love anyone or be loved by anyone because it is not meant for her to have that kind of happiness. That her feelings are unimportant in the face of her duties as Commander, that must always come first.

“That is exactly what our granddaughter said when she first heard about it. She said it was ridiculous notion made it her personal and self-appointed mission to prove that the teachers of the novitiates were wrong about that. That love was strength, that to be Commander was not to be alone. She almost did prove them wrong before she was killed as a way to get to the Commander,” Cat said sadly, and Clarke felt her blood freeze inside her veins.

She had an idea on who they were talking about, but she wanted to make sure she was right on her assumption, so she took a deep breath before she asked, “Who was your granddaughter?”

“She was the Commander’s previous lover. Her name was Costia. Costia kom Trikru,” Anibal answered her, and Clarke couldn’t believe what she was hearing. These two people she had been talking with for the last half an hour were none other than the grandparents of Lexa’s deceased girlfriend she had heard about. What are the chances in that actually happening?

“I’m so sorry about what happened to her. The Commander told me what was done to her by the Ice Queen. I didn’t know her, but I know she didn’t deserve it, any of it. I’m so sorry for your loss Cat and Anibal,” Clarke said to them sincerely and they were both surprised.

“Wait a secaond. Did Lexa actually tell you about Costia? About who she was to her and about what happened to our granddaughter?” Anibal asked Clarke as he was just as surprised by this piece of information as his wife was.

“I hope you don’t mind, but she told me a while ago. I was in pain for losing my…, uh, someone I cared about a lot and she told me about her loss as well. I think she was trying to comfort me. She said to me that love was weakness and that she stopped caring about everyone because of what happened, because it was the only way for her to get over the pain, but I could see that it was a lie and now I think can understand why she said that. If she was drilled that lie since she was a kid, of course that she would think that it was true, especially after what happened with Costia,” She explained, and they were still looking at her in surprise and awe. “What?”

“Costia died 6 years ago and I have never heard Lexa talk about her to anyone, not one single soul. Not the people that knew about them and cared about her, absolutely no one. It’s even hard to get her to speak to us and Costia was our granddaughter. She must trust you very much if she opened up to you about one of the hardest losses she has ever suffered in her life,” Cat explained their surprise to her, and Clarke swallowed it down. She couldn’t go there. She couldn’t think that because Lexa left her on the Mountain to die, so she was not that special to the brunette. She was just another girl to her.

“Do you remember how things were down here in the beginning, right after the bombs?” She asked them, changing the subject. The couple noticed her tactic, but decided to oblige and they started telling her about what they remembered. How things were chaotic, how people tried so hard to survive, to rebuild everything that had been lost to them, how the clans slowly emerged and how their people’s culture was created little by little.

“Wow, that is a lot,” Clarke said to them and the couple  nodded in acknowledgment.

“Yeah, it was. We witnessed a lot of war and participated in quite a few as well. They used to happen for the pettiest of things as well, especially with _Azgeda_ being involved,” Cat told her and that got Clarke curious.

“Where did the rivalry between the Ice Nation and your clan started? I mean, why do these two clans hate each other so much? There has to be a reason for it, right?” She asked them.

“Well, that is an interesting question,” Cat started and looked at her husband to explain it.

“If you ask people of _Trikru_ or _Azgeda_ , they will both have a different story to tell you, more like a different version of it. If you ask a _Trikru_ , they will tell you that the King of _Azgeda_ at the time, a man named Arthur, wanted our territory and attacked us first to try to get it. If you ask an _Azgeda_ , they will tell you that our chief at the time, Samantha attacked them for no reason at all. That is the story that was told to the kids and their kids and so on, but that is not the truth,” Anibal said to her lowly, as if he was revealing a huge secret and Clarke was curious.

“The real reason of the hate between the two clans was love,” Cat replied.

Clarke was confused. “What do you mean?” Clarke asked them.

“Arthur and Samantha were best friends, but they ended up loving the same woman, the princess from the Broadleaf Clan, Diane. Arthur decided to wait until he was King to propose marriage to her but when he asked her, she refused him and chose to marry Samantha instead. So, in retaliation to the rejection, he started attacking _Trikru_ and killing us. Samantha tried to reconcile with her friend, to make him understand that just because Diane chose her, it didn’t mean she wanted to lose his friendship, but he didn’t want to hear it,” Anibal said.

“Instead, he sent an assassin to brutally murder Diane in front of Samantha with the message that if Diane wouldn’t be his, she wouldn’t be anyone else’s either. Samantha was furious, filled with pure rage and hate towards him, so she declared war against him and his entire clan. They fought in battle and she won, killing him as painfully as she knew how to, but even after the war was over and she gotten her revenge, Samantha never recovered from losing her wife. So, she resigned from the post of chief and left _Trikru_ , word goes that she lives in the outskirts of Polis, recluse, waiting for the day where she can be reunited with the love of her life,” Cat finished the story and Clarke was in shock.

“And what happened after that?” She asked them.

“Arthur had a brother, Peter, who took the _Azgeda_ throne once he died and given how close the two of them were, he didn’t take well his brother’s death even if he recognized that Samantha had bested in battle with honor. Even with that knowledge, Peter just continued his brother’s work, filling his clan with hate against _Trikru_ and the same happened with our clan. Our chief, Malik was Samantha’s younger brother so, it became personal for him and he started filling out people with hate against _Azgeda_. Then, Peter got married and had three children of his own and when he died, after 30 years of reign, the eldest of his children was old enough, so she took the throne and it’s the current Ice Queen, Nia,” Anibal explained.

“So, Nia is Arthur’s niece?” Clarke asked them to be sure she understood the connection.

“Yes. Peter had three kids, Nia was the eldest and his heir. Then, there was Boone and the youngest one is Selene,” Cat answered.

“So, Nia fuels the hate between the two clans because it started with her family. Is that why she hates Lexa so much? Because she is a Commander from Trikru?” Clarke asked them and they were about to answer when a voice said behind her.

“It’s partially the reason why,” Clarke immediately knew who the voice belonged to, given the tingle and goosebumps she could feel take over her body and as she looked over her shoulder, she could see Lexa standing there.

“She hates me for a number of reasons. That is one of them. She also hates me for the fact that Samantha is my grandmother and the fact that I killed her youngest son during the Conclave to become Commander,” Lexa answered her, and Clarke was shocked.

“You killed her son?” Clarke asked the brunette and Lexa nodded.

“In the end, it came to the both of us, whoever won would be Commander and I was a better fighter than him, so I won. But three years later, she found a way to pay me back for what I did by taking Costia from me,” Lexa said to the blonde before she turned to the couple. “Anibal, Cat, the house should be ready by tomorrow,” She said to them and they smiled.

“Thank you very much, Lexa,” Cat said sweetly, and the brunette shook her head.

“You don’t have to thank me. It’s my pleasure to be able to help you. Are they okay Clarke?” Lexa said to them before she directed her question to the blonde girl who nodded.

“Yes, they are okay. They are some of the healthiest people over 60 that I have seen. As far as I can tell, they are good to go more 60 years,” Clarke said looking at the old couple while trying to avoid eye contact with the grounder leader.

“Very well. That is very good to hear. Now, I need to go back. Anything you need, you only have to ask,” She said to them before looking at the girl and spoke, “You too, Clarke.”

“Thanks, but I’m good. I don’t need anything,” She said politely, and Lexa nodded before she turned around and left them going back to work.

“She has been through a lot, that girl.” Anibal said and his wife nodded.

“I wish she could be happy again. She deserves it,” Cat said wistfully, and Clarke looked over her shoulder to find the girl in question directing the workers on where they should go and what they should be doing. Clarke watched her and she found that despite everything that happened, she wanted that as well. She wanted Lexa to be happy, but the one thought that clouded her mind and that scared the hell out of her was that more than anything, she wanted to be the cause of her happiness. But she shook her head and pushed those thoughts away.


	32. Best Friend Talk

After Lexa called it a day on the work they had already done, the Sky People gathered together  and left in the Rover back to their Camp, Jasper included, with the knowledge that they would come back tomorrow to continue on with what they started today, building not only a village but a relationship with the grounders, a relationship that they would accept and more than that, respect. Clarke had to admit that she finally understood what Jasper had talked about when he said that helping the grounders helped him heal as well. She was feeling a little lighter, a little better with herself. She was nowhere near close to forgiving herself for what she has done but the road that would lead her there wasn’t as hard as she thought it would be.

And that made her very happy because the pain of everything she did that night, what she did on the dropship, it all still weigh heavily on her shoulder and on her conscience. And sometimes, it even shakes her confidence in herself and on her decisions about her own life, about what concerns her people and the thought of failing to care for them still scared her. What happened inside Mount Weather, left some wounds inside that Clarke could only hope wouldn’t take too long to heal, even if it left a few scars to remember those moments by.

But one thing was for sure, of this new development of theirs, being around Lexa was definitely not an easy situation for Clarke. Like, at all. Because no matter how much she tried, and try she did, she couldn’t deny the strong pull she still felt towards the grounder commander, even after the betrayal. There was something magnetic about Lexa to Clarke, that made it almost impossible for them to be too far apart from each other for too long and even when they are, it almost comes through as if life will always find a way to bring them back together and Clarke dreaded to even think on why that would be the case.

She was not at all ready to dwell on everything Lexa made her fell, with just her presence alone. It’s crazy how much Clarke’s body tingles with anticipation when Lexa is close to her, how much it craves for the brunette’s gentle touch. No one has ever made Clarke feel so much just by existing the way Lexa did. And what was more important was that Clarke knew without a doubt, no one else would ever affect her the same way or with the same intensity that Lexa did, ever again. She knew that whatever she felt for Lexa was the kind of feelings she would never have for anyone else. She was simply terrified to give those feelings a name, but she knew they were there, never letting her forget them, much less the object of those feelings.

“So, what did you think of the grounders, Wick? You hadn’t had any contact with them before. What were your first impressions on our lovely neighbors?” Raven asked the engineer.

“I thought they were nice, actually. I mean, there were sometimes when they would start speaking in their language and I would have absolutely no idea what they were talking about, though I suspect it was about me, but they are not as bad as I thought they would be,” He answered honestly shrugging his shoulders and she nodded.

“Maybe not bad, but definitely untrustworthy,” Bellamy said, not managing to reign in his feelings regarding their former allies.

Jasper sighed as he shook his head at the comment before he spoke to the guy in question, “Until when are you going to keep bringing that up, Bellamy?”

“Am I lying thought Jasper? They betrayed us when we needed them the most and left us to die in that place. So, no, I don’t trust them,” Bellamy said firmly while Jasper shook his head.

“Okay. Then, answer one question. If the deal had been offered to you, get all our people back if you left the grounders behind in those cages, would you have taken it or not? Would you have risked our lives to fight by their side or would you have guaranteed our safety even if it meant you would have to betray them? Would you have risked Octavia’s safety for them?” Jasper asked him. Bellamy kept quiet not wanting to actually answer it, thought he knew there was no need for him to say anything. They all knew what his answer would be anyway.

“Would any of you have not taken the deal if it had been offered to you?” Jasper asked the others and they also stayed quiet, “That’s what I thought so maybe now, you will stop using that against them as an excuse for your dislike. You don’t like them not because they took the deal to save themselves. You don’t like them simply because we got the rough end of that deal,” Jasper said and stayed quiet after that, having finished saying what he needed to.

“Whether Jasper is right or not, it doesn’t matter anymore. What is done is done and we can only move forward, so I believe it’s best if we just let this matter go once and for all. They took the deal, great for them. We’re still alive, great for us. End of story. Period,” Clarke said shutting them all up because she knew that Jasper was right. None of them would have made a different choice than the one Lexa did, but still hurt her to think about the brunette walking away from her, even with Clarke seeing the tear that fell down her face.

The rest of the drive was done in silence and Clarke was thankful for that. Her thoughts were cloudy enough without a fight going on between Jasper and Bellamy or anyone else, especially if it was about the grounders and their exceptionally beautiful Commander. Clarke needed some time to think clearly about what just happened today, about things she learned about Lexa and Costia, about the brunette’s upbringing. And she couldn’t wait to get back home, get to her room to rest and try to organize what was going on inside her mind, more importantly, what was going on in her heart where Lexa was concerned.

Soon enough, they arrived back in Arkadia and as soon as Raven parked the rover, Clarke was one of the first one to get out, not wanting to stick around for longer than she had to, the desire to be alone with her thoughts and feelings overwhelming her. Jasper quickly passed by her and she noticed that he had the music player and the headphones on before she looked over her shoulder to see him leaving. She would like to get to talk to him, but also knew it was still too early. Both of them needed to do some more healing before they were ready for such an emotionally charged conversation as the one they would sure have one day.

“Are you okay?” Bellamy came to her side asking her and she looked back at him, knowing that the answer would be no, but not wanting to get into it with him, so she simply nodded.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just tired and need to rest. Would you mind debriefing Kane on how today went? I’m kind of beat so I’ll go straight to bed,” She asked him. She really was not in the mood for debriefing the older guy on how the day went. She had no idea what to say about that.

“Sure, I’ll do it. Try to get some rest,” He said wrapping his arms around her and she wrapped her around his waist, burying her face on his chest, hugging him tightly.  

She was glad that her friendship with Bellamy had come so far from where they started. He had been such a jerk when they first met, only caring about himself and Octavia but he came around. And once he started helping her, he quickly became a rock to her, someone she could count on to have her back and protect her blind side if she needed. He had quickly along with Raven become one of her best friends, someone she could trust, and although he was still a hothead sometimes, she knew he would always be there for her, just like he was when they pulled the lever together. He was a great friend and she was glad that’s what they were.

But for Bellamy, his thoughts were not so pure as they hugged each other. He liked having the feel of the blonde girl in his arms. The first time they hugged one another was when he returned to camp and Clarke threw her arms around him having returned from captivity in the Mountain, almost making him lose balance. Luckily, he caught himself and her before he wrapped his arms around her tightly, so incredibly happy that she was okay. And now, here they were again, she was hugging him not out relief but contempt. She was coming to him for comfort, for safety and whatever his feelings were for her and Echo, one thing he knew was that they were not simply those of friendship for either one of them.

He took some time before he pulled away from it as Clarke gave him small smile before she left and started walking towards her room. He had felt good about having hope that maybe his feelings weren’t completely one-sided, that maybe he only needed to be patient, give her some room to heal and be there for her whenever she needed. Maybe then, she would finally be ready to hear what he had to say and give them a chance. And maybe in a short while, he would be able to always have her in his arms and never have to let go. With that in mind and with a smile on his face, he walked away, greeting people as he went.

Meanwhile, as for Clarke, she massaged her neck as she deeply sighed walking through the halls of Alpha Station until she arrived at her destination, her room, putting in the password, opening the door to her quarters and going inside, closing it behind her, leaning against it for a while before she walked forward and just threw herself on the bed. She stayed like that for a while before she turned her head to the side and looked at her desk. And in doing that, she saw the drawing she made of Lexa sitting down on her throne the first time they met.

“What are you doing to me? Why can’t I get you out of my mind? Out of my heart?” Clarke said looking at it before sitting up on her bed, putting her head on her hands and sighing.

She took some more time staring at the drawing before she stood up from the bed and started to remove her clothes before she went to the bathroom and took a bath. She needed to be clean and was hoping it would help her calm down. Once she was done, she went back to her room and got dressed with an oversized shirt and a short before she just grabbed more papers and started drawing an image of TonDC and the people that were working there helping rebuild the village into a much better version of it than it had been before.

She was so concentrated on her drawing that Clarke barely noticed time passing, it was like that whenever she was drawing. Her father used to tease her about it that if she could she would spend every moment of her life immersed in paint and charcoal. He wasn’t exactly wrong. She loved it. However, down here, she hadn’t had much time to just breathe and enjoy doing something she loved because she could, not because she had to for survival so she really didn’t care about time, she just focused on her drawings and bringing thins to life on the paper. It wasn’t until there was a knock on her door that she came back to reality.

“Come in,” She said as the door opened and Raven came in view, carrying a tray of food.

“You missed dinner Griff, so like the awesome friend I am, I brought it here for you,” The mechanic told her as she brought the tray and put it on the table the blonde had in her room.

“Sorry. I was drawing and I usually lose track of time when I do that. Thanks Raven. I really appreciate it,” Clarke said putting the drawing away before standing up to go toward the table. She sat down, inviting Raven to sit down on the other chair.

“You didn’t just come here to bring me the food though, did you?” Clarke said after she observed her friend and she started eating. Raven shook her head smiling.

“You know me too well Griff and you are right. That was not the only reason why I came here. There were two things I wanted to talk to you about, I mean, two things I thought you might need someone to talk with about them,” Raven explained, and Clarke frowned.

“What two things are those that I need to talk about?” She asked confused before Raven sighed as she dropped the bomb on the blonde girl.

“Bellamy and Lexa,” Raven replied as Clarke froze on the spot. She looked at the mechanic and was about to say something, but Raven didn’t let her, “Don’t even try to deny it because I am actually a genius and quite perceptive, you know. I can see as clear as day that there is something going on between you and Lexa. And you can try but I know you know that Bellamy has feelings for you. You may be blonde, however you’re anything but stupid.”

“What do you want to talk about them?” She said silently confirming what the mechanic said and it was true. She could see in the way Bellamy looked at her ever since the dropship and she ignored it, but it seemed that Raven picked up on it and wanted to talk to her.

“Okay, first I want to know something, what do you feel for Bellamy? And be completely honest. This is a safe space and whatever you say will stay just between the two of us,” Raven asked her, and Clarke took a deep breath before she answered.

“Bellamy is my friend Raven. One of my best friends, save you. He is someone I trust, who is always there for me. But you already know that so I can only assume you are asking me if I have romantic feelings for him. If that is the case, then the answer would be no. I don’t like Bellamy like that. Never have,” Clarke said sincerely as she continued eating.

Raven nodded her head. She already expected that answer. She came to know the blonde quite well the past almost two months and she could see that Clarke didn’t think of Bellamy like that as something more than friends. Because the mechanic was pretty sure that if she did, those two would have already gotten together. The fact that Clarke ignores his feelings and doesn’t address them is because she wants to avoid having to reject him since she doesn’t feel the same way and probably because she is scared of losing him when that happens.

“Yeah, I kind of figured that already. You don’t look at him like you looked at Finn,” Raven said and Clarke nodded her head confirming the silent question. “It was how I first started to think that there was something between the two of you, it was in the way you looked at each other, like it was painful to look away. When you showed me the deer, it was just the confirmation I needed,” Raven explained.

“It was painful but not just because of that. I think I was more hurt by what he did to me and definitely guilty by what he did to you with me, without me knowing he had a girlfriend of course,” Clarke told her and Raven knew that. She knew Clarke wouldn’t have been with Finn if she had known about their relationship. She was not that kind of person.

“It was obvious in his eyes what he felt for you and Bell is doing the same. The way he looks at you really give his feelings away.” Raven said and Clarke nodded finishing her food, “What about Lexa? What is going on there?”

Clarke pulled her feet up on the chair and sighed before speaking, “I don’t know, Raven.”

“You don’t know or you don’t want to admit?” Raven said as she looked pointedly at her and Clarke closed her eyes before shaking her head.

“Both, I guess. I mean, I know what I feel already but I don’t want to admit it, not even to myself and I also don’t know because it feels like it’s even more than that, deeper than that,” Clarke said truthfully, “But with everything that has happened, the Mountain, there is no place on her life or in mine for feelings like that, especially not for each other.”

“You do know that is a bold lie, don’t you? Of course, there is place on your lives for that. I’ll admit being two leaders of opposing people might make things more difficult for both of you than for Octavia and Lincoln for example, but if you really want it to happen, I’m sure you could find a way to make it work Clarke. The real question is, do you want to face all the thousand obstacles you will have in front of you if you choose to follow your heart to her or do you want to run and make both of you unhappy for the rest of your lives?” Raven asked her.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I should, if I want, if I can, I just don’t know anything when it comes to her,” Clarke said and Raven could see the anguish on her friend’s face so she decided not to push her and instead to just listen to her.

“And how was it today? I saw the two of you talking with that old couple. How was that?” Raven asked and Clarke sighed.

“Amazing and difficult at the same time. Anibal and Cat are the most wonderful people I’ve met and they taught me so much about the history of their clan, of their people and I learned a few new things about Lexa too. Things I had no idea,” Clarke explained.

“And why was it difficult?” Raven asked her and Clarke sighed.

“Because just being around her is so difficult, Raven. Because my body wants things that my mind reminds me that I shouldn’t want anymore. Because she is like a magnet that pulls me in even if I try to fight it and the worst is that she doesn’t need to do anything of me to feel that way. All she needs is to breathe and I just want to be near her. Because not being close to her like that, not touching her, not feeling her near me is painful and I don’t know what to do with those feelings,” Clarke said leaning back against the chair as she sighed.

“Clarke?” Raven called for her attention before the blonde looked at her.

“What is it?” Clarke replied.

Raven looked back at her with a small smile on her face and spoke, “You realize that you’re madly in love with the Commander, don’t you?”

Clarke closed her eyes hearing those words and shook her head, but she could not get the words out to deny it. She couldn’t open her mouth and say that it was a lie, that she wasn’t because Raven was absolutely right. Ever since the moment Clarke entered her tent that day seeking an alliance, since she heard the brunette’s voice for the first time, since she saw those beautiful jade eyes for the first time, she had felt it. The connection. The desire. The feelings coming to the surface as if they had always been there but dormant. And now talking to Raven, Clarke, for the first time, said the words out loud.

“I am in love with Lexa,” She confirmed and it was freeing to finally admit to herself and to someone else about the nature of her complex feelings for a certain Commander of the grounders. Raven smiled at that, she could see the emotions and the thoughts that were going around the blonde’s head almost as if she could read her mind. “I’m in love with Lexa.”

“You are,” The mechanic said, nodding her head, smiling at her friend.

“And one of my best friends has romantic feelings for me,” Clarke said and Raven nodded.

“He does,” The mechanic agreed with the blonde.

“What am I supposed to do now?” Clarke asked her, thinking about all the revelations and confessions this conversation brought out of her and brought to her and she looked at Raven who just looked back at her. Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t tell Clarke what to do, she needed to figure that out on her own, but she knew she would be there for her friend. But, at the moment, she needed to give Clarke her opinion and that was what she did.

“That is a question that only you have the answer for, Clarke. Only you. What are you going to do now?” Raven asked her and Clarke sighed.

“I don’t know, Raven. I really, really don’t know.”


	33. Starting Something

After that talk with Raven, Clarke went to sleep in hopes that by the next day, things would look clearer to her and she would have a better idea on what she should do about her newly admitted feelings for a certain Commander. But when she opened her eyes, looked at the clock by her bed and saw that it was morning already, she knew that she was no closer to finding a solution for her dilemma that she was yesterday and that meant she could only sigh as she knew this day would be just as tiring as the previous one had been.

How could she be, though? How could she find a solution for her problem when every time she closed her eyes and thought of the brunette girl, she would get butterflies in her stomach, feel her heart racing, her breath turning frantic? How could she when avoiding the brunette was all she could do to stop herself from giving in to her desire to be with Lexa? When all she wanted was to throw herself in the older girl’s arms and know that Lexa won’t ever let her go? When she spent every good moment thinking of bright, beautiful green eyes, plump and delicious lips, soft yet strong hands, comforting arms and a kind, caring heart?

She couldn’t deny it that she had fallen deep in love with Lexa. Her presence was intoxicating to Clarke, the more she was around the brunette, the less she wanted to be away from her. Which was why this new arrangement was going to be very difficult for her, especially if she got the chance to be around the girl when she was working, getting to admire her beautiful and toned body, as well as watch her interactions with her people. Oh, her self-control would be tested to the max and Clarke had no confidence whatsoever that she could restrain herself forever. Not when it came to Lexa, she could not. It would be only a matter of time.

With those thoughts in mind, Clarke decided to get up and sat down on her bed as she looked at her table across from her and saw the book Lexa had given her through Kane. That gift was so special to Clarke, because in one strike, the brunette managed to create a beautiful connection between herself, Clarke and her father. The brunette, in a small gesture, gave the blonde more joy than she had felt in a very, very long while. And that made Clarke wonder how it would be like to truly be with Lexa like that? Was she a romantic person? More tough and badass? Would she surprise Clarke with gifts like this whenever she could?

Clarke didn’t know but she couldn’t help herself to close her eyes and start to imagine having a picnic with Lexa in a beautiful clearing in the forest. She even knew which one it would be. The clearing where the stayed after running away from the _Pauna_. Even if Clarke had been terrified of the best escaping and coming for them, being with Lexa gave her such a feeling of safety that she was able to sleep for far longer than she had for days by that point. And Clarke knew that was the moment she realized her feelings for Lexa were more than simply an attraction.

And it was somewhere it could be just the two of them, not the Commander and not the Sky Leader. But rather Lexa and Clarke, two girls in love enjoying a little date. Just picturing it brought such a huge smile to her face that Clarke was afraid it was going to split her face but like always her mind wouldn’t let her be happy for too long before it reminded her of those 300 bodies, of pulling the lever, of seeing Jasper crying over Maya’s body, of the children she had killed and Clarke quickly shook her head, trying to shake them off.

She put the book back on the table and went to get ready for the day. She took a sponge bath again, which reminded her to talk to Kane about fixing the shower situation, now that they were here there was no need for such economy anymore and when she done and dry, she came back into her room and got dressed for the day. Once Clarke was finished getting ready for another day of work in TonDC, she walked out of her room and in the direction of the dining hall. Soon enough, she got there and quickly spotted her friends, Bellamy, Wick, Raven and Monty, all together sitting down in one table as she grabbed her food and joined them.

“Good morning, guys,” She said greeting them sitting down besides Raven and across from the boys before they all greeted her back.

“Did you sleep well?” Raven asked her, hinting on asking if she was okay after her revelation and admission of love for a certain Commander last night.

“I did, actually,” Clarke said letting her know that she was really okay with her newly admitted feelings for Lexa, even if they drove her crazy in need of the other girl. The mechanic got the message and went back to her food as Clarke started on hers.

“So, I spoke with Kane, yesterday, like you asked to debrief him on what had happened in the village while we were there,” Bellamy said looking at the blonde.

“Thank you for that Bell. I was really tired last night and wasn’t in any mood for that so thank you. I owe you one. So, tell me, what did he say?” Clarke asked the boy.

“It was no problem Clarke and he said that he was proud of us for what we were doing and that we should use this opportunity to help create a better relationship between us and the grounders so that later we could try and talk with them about opening up trade for what we might need and can’t get ourselves,” Bellamy said though he didn’t sound too happy about it.

“He really thinks we can do that? By simply working with them rebuilding their village? Make sure we can have that option later on?” Monty asked the older guy, but Raven was the one who answered his question readily.

“Of course, we can Monty. Just think about it. We are helping them rebuild a village, we are working closely with them, getting to know them and they are getting to know us. We realize that they are not savages like we thought they were and they realize we are not as weak as they thought we were. We could even strike something more than just a cease fire between our people if we do this right. Am I right or am I super right, Clarke?” Raven explained before she turned to the blonde who smiled at her before nodding her head.

“Raven is super right. This could be a good opportunity for us which is why I don’t want any of you causing unnecessary trouble with them. Especially you, Bell.” Clarke said and looked at him, “From all of us here, you’re the most like to do something stupid against them but I am asking you not to. If they do or say something that you don’t like, you come to me, you tell me and I will deal with it directly with their Commander and we will fix it. But please, refrain from talking about the Mountain and how they betrayed us, it’s not going to help us at all. Please.”

He knew that she was right, he was the one quickest to have a temper and the most likely to go off on the grounders and he also knew that this was a great opportunity to further ensure the survival of their people so he understood her request and agreed to it, “Okay, I promise I will be in my best behavior with them so that I don’t mess this up for us.”

“Thank you,” She said smiling at him and he gave a small smile in return.

“Okay, now that Captain Temper agreed to play nice can we change the subject to more interesting topics to something like, did you guy see the project?” Raven said and they nodded but only Monty and Wick seemed to be on the same hype she was while talking about it.

“I still don’t understand why you are so impressed by it. Why was so special about it? It’s just a project,” Bellamy said dismissively, and Raven looked at him.

“Of course, you wouldn’t understand, you troll. Appreciating that kind of work would require a level of intelligence and understanding of science that is billion years beyond your mental capacity. I would be scared of you were impressed by it,” Raven replied, and he scoffed at her.

“I think what Raven means to say is that from our perspective, as engineers and mechanics, the project the Commander created is like perfection. She has not only covered the construction part of it, but also the whole engineering part as well. She has built a power village from literal scraps in two days. Do you have any idea how hard it is to do something like that in that amount of time with the limited resources in technology that they have? That girl is a pure genius and her work is better than many of the works I have seen from our own engineers,” Wick explained and both Raven and Monty had to agree with him.

“Wick is right. I knew she was smart, but I didn’t think it was that much. How did she even get the knowledge on how to do it that kind of stuff? I had no idea they knew anything about it,” Raven asked her fellow geek friends while Bellamy and Clarke just listened.

She wasn’t an appreciator of science, but she could see why the three of them had been impressed and surprised by Lexa’s knowledge on the matter. She, however, was not. One of the first things she was able to see in Lexa was her intelligence and her ability to learn things fast, more than that, her open-minded desire to learn what she doesn’t know. Lexa had created a Coalition with clans that hated each other but now were working together. She would have never been able to accomplish that if she wasn’t as smart as she is, and Clarke couldn’t help the swell of pride in her chest at the thought of her people recognizing that.

Once they were done eating and talking about many different subjects all revolving around the grounders, they went to the rover to their usual seats, the girls up front and the boys on the back, and got started on their trip towards the recovering village to start another day of hard work. Thanks to their new way of transportation, it didn’t take very long before they got there. Raven parked the car outside as she did the day before. They all disarmed, leaving the weapons in the Rover and entered the place to see the people already working diligently on it.

“There he is. Jasper,” Monty pointed somewhere to their right side and when they looked, they saw their friend joking around with a group of grounders while working with them.

“He seems to be having fun,” Wick said as he noticed along with everyone the smile, the genuine smile Jasper seemed to have on his face as he talked to those people.

“That is very good. After everything he’s been through, he deserves it,” Clarke said and smiled.

It was nice seeing Jasper on road to recovery, working to heal himself from the anger and pain he must feel. She had been afraid what would be of him after Maya’s death and their return to Arkadia. She had been worried that they would lose him to his pain, he had always been more sensitive to things than the rest of them but it was nice seeing that he was choosing a different path than that, that he was choosing to let people help him and even if it wasn’t them that he came to for that, Clarke was just happy he was letting someone in. He needed it. Another thing she had Lexa to thank for since this was the older girl’s work and miracle.

Speaking of which, Clarke started searching for the girl’s presence everywhere. As much as her mind liked the idea of not having Lexa around, her heart absolutely despised it and had an overwhelming need to go searching for her so that, at least, Clarke could have the brunette in her line of sight but she couldn’t see to find her. Clarke wondered where she was, why wasn’t she there with the rest of her people like she had been the day before but the answer to that question came faster than she expected when Octavia appeared and ran in their direction.

“You guys are here already. I wasn’t sure you were coming back after yesterday,” She said to them all the while hugging her brother and waving at the rest of them.

“We said we would be, O so here we are,” Bellamy said to her and she nodded, pleased to see them there. Things had gone well between this group of Sky People and the Trikru that were working on the village and she had hoped it could continue and now, it can.

“Very well, you can go and start working at the same place as yesterday or anywhere you want really. What matters is that you contribute in some way,” Octavia said to them.

“Where is the Commander? I was hoping I could talk to her about some ideas I had about how to better her project and make somethings easier,” Raven asked the younger Blake and Clarke mentally thanked her friend for asking the question that she wanted the answer to as well.

“The Commander had things to deal with back in our camp so she will be coming here later today. I will tell her that you want to talk to her as soon as she arrives. Meanwhile feel free to help.” Octavia said as a warrior called for her in trigedasleng and she answered him as such and turned back to her friends. “Sorry, I have to go but have fun,” She said to them and left.

“Okay then. Let’s get to work,” Raven said and walked away as did the others.

Clarke decided to go help Anibal and Cat along with their house, when she got there she was greeted with such warmth from them that she knew she made the right decision in coming to help them, having the chance to spend more time with this lovely couple. They continued talking as Clarke helped them with the decoration of their new house. She learned a few more things about how the clan was in the past and more about the history of the clans and she loved every minute of it since she was kind if a history geek.

Meanwhile with Bellamy, he went to his work, the same one he had been to yesterday, continuing where he left off. He was helping build a really big house situated in the center of the village, it is supposed to be the chief house, which in this case was Indra and Octavia was helping as well since she was the woman’s second as the grounder liked to call an apprentice so it was nice having his sister around to talk to. Now that she no longer lived with him but in a different place, belonged to a different people, they had so much to catch up on each other’s lives that talk was all they did while still working.

But after a while he decided to go look for Clarke. He didn’t want to leave her alone in this place. He wished she had chosen a closer work spot so that he could know where she was and could keep an eye on her. With how important she seemed to be to the grounders, he wasn’t sure how much in danger she was from them and it was his job to watch her back and keep her safe and alive. However, he couldn’t do that properly because they were so far away. He didn’t know if he truly loved her but he knew he had deep feelings for her and the thought of something happening to her right under his nose with him not doing anything to stop it, to protect her was really painful so he was determined to find her and make sure she was okay.

And while looking, he couldn’t help but asking himself what if one of these grounders tried something with her? What if she got hurt and he wasn’t there for her? What if she was taken from him? What if he lost her? He started walking around the camp faster while looking for her but wasn’t seeing her anywhere and because he was looking the other way from where he was actually going trying to get a glimpse of a blonde hair, he ended up bumping into someone almost knocking them both to the ground. Luckily, he reacted fast enough and held the person’s waist to stop them from falling down.

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I…” He was saying before pulling back and he was shocked when he got to see who he had bumped into. “Echo?”

The woman seemed surprised by his presence there as well. “Bellamy. Didn’t expect to see you here,” She said as he smiled at her before pulling her for a hug, which caught her off guard a little but then she wrapped her arms around his waist and sighed in relief.

“I hadn’t seen you since I freed you from the cage and left. I was worried about you since I wasn’t sure you had survived,” He confessed to her as he pulled back from the hug

“I did, thanks to the Commander and I had been worried for you too. I wasn’t sure you had survived as well. I’m glad you’re okay,” She said to him.

“Don’t mind me asking but are you from here? Are you _Trikru_? Because I’m sure I hadn’t seen you before we met in those cages inside the Mountain and I was curious,” He asked her, and she smirked shaking her head at him.

“No, I’m not from here and I am not _Trikru_. I’m actually _Azgeda_ , Ice Nation,” Echo told him, and he frowned his brows, looking confused by that information.

“But as far as I know and I admit it is not much, the two clans hate each other, don’t they? So how come you are here and not back in your own clan?” He asked her and she chuckled.

“I was a general in the Queen’s army as well as a spy. And while she thought I was a spy loyal to her, I was actually a spy for the Commander inside _Azgeda_ territory and inside the palace, supplying her with information on the Ice Queen and her plans. When I was discovered, I had no choice but to flee from my clan or else she would have tortured me and then killed me. The Commander always said I would have a place in her clan if I ever needed, given how loyal to her I had always been so when I ran, I came here but ended up being captured by the Mountain Men along the way and the next thing I know I am in those cages,” She explained.

“That sounds like a nice experience,” He said jokingly, and she chuckled at him.

“Not so much as one would think. I was there for a month until you people came along and helped free us from that horrible place,” She told him, and he smiled.

“I’m very glad we did and more than that, I’m very glad you’re free and safe from that place, Echo,” He said to her sincerely and she couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Me too, Bellamy. Me too,” She said to him.

“I don’t think I properly thanked you for helping me. If you hadn’t held onto that guard’s arm, he would have killed me and the whole plan would have been compromised, so thank you,” He said to her sincerely. He had hoped he would get the chance to say that to her and now that he gotten it, he wasn’t going to waste it.

She shook her head at him as she spoke to him, “There is no need to thank me. I knew, somehow that I should trust you and it was actually quite pleasing to kill that man. You don’t know but he was not a good person. Sometimes he would mess with one of the girls for his pleasure right before he strung them up to take their blood so I was glad I could help get rid of that pitiful excuse of a human being.”

“Well, if that was the case, I am glad we both got rid of him. After all, it was a team effort,” He replied, smirking and she nodded her head smiling at him.

“So, tell me, Sky Boy, how are things going for you?” She asked him and he answered her as they continued on with their conversation, without Bellamy noticing that no longer were he filled with thoughts of Clarke but rather with thoughts revolving the interesting woman standing right in front of him, confusing him on what the hell he was feeling for both of them.


	34. Generals Meeting

Back in the camp, Lexa had woken up even before the sun had started to rise in the Sky. She was normally an early riser but her mind would usually be plagued with nightmares, either they came from the past Commanders that spoke to her through the Flame or based on her won experience during her lifetime. However, this time, her inability to sleep for a while longer had nothing to do with either of those things but rather, it was thanks to the fact that she couldn’t keep her mind away from thinking about Clarke. It was alarming how much she came to care for the blonde in such a short amount of time.

Nothing like it had been with Costia. Lexa first met her when she came to be Anya’s second and had to follow the woman to her village TonDC when she was around 9 years old. The two girls became fast friends along with Lexa’s own friendship with Lincoln who was a little older than the girls. And it wasn’t until Lexa was 13 that she even began to see Costia differently as something more than just her friend and it took them another year before they finally admitted their feelings for each other and got together. They were a couple from when they were 15 until a while before Lexa’s 17th birthday when she received Costia’s head on a box.

She had loved the girl very much. Costia was an amazing, caring and loving girl and she was the first one of them to fall in love. According to her own words, she realized she was in love with Lexa a little after she became Commander but she knew that Lexa hadn’t felt the same way about her back then so she kept quiet but never gave up. She started to slowly try to get Lexa to lower the walls that from a young age she had built around her heart so Costia could have a chance at getting the brunette Commander to fall in love with her as well and it was not easy. Lexa was always so reserved when it came to her emotions that it took years before she fully allowed Costia into her heart and until they became a couple.

Lexa’s romantic love for Costia grew as they started on their relationship and she did come to love her very much. So much that when Costia was taken from her and only her severed head was returned to Lexa, the Commander felt herself break from the heartache of having someone she loved and cared so much for be taken from her in such a cruel way. She was heartbroken and in so much pain she wasn’t sure how to handle it except from lifting stronger and higher walls around her heart and her emotions and trying to follow the teachings of her Flamekeeper and teacher in regards to love being a weakness and for six long years, it worked.

Lexa didn’t remain celibate. For a while, she used sex with other women as a way to escape the pain from losing Costia, though she never took them to her own bed, not wanting to sully the beautiful memories she made with her lover in her room. But no one ever made a lasting impression on her. No one came close to shaking just a little bit her resolve of preserving herself from feeling love for someone again so she, naively, believed she would be safe from that temptation. That was until she met Clarke.

What it took her years to feel for Costia in terms of love, it took her only seconds to feel for Clarke, infinite times stronger. It scared the hell out of her. Costia worked hard to get Lexa to slowly, brick by brick, lower her walls to let her in, to let her see what was inside of her, yet with Clarke, it was as if those walls never existed in the first place. It was as if with just one look, Clarke could see in a way no one has ever been able to. Clarke could see her in her entirety. She knew Lexa as no one had known her before or after, she assumed more than she knew herself and what was worse, or rather scarier was the fact that no matter how much she tried to raise her walls back up, she never could where the blonde was concerned.

Within a few moments of meeting her, the blonde had fixated herself in Lexa’s heart as if the bloody thing had belonged to her all this while and Lexa was simply holding onto it until she was ready to have it handled back to its rightful owner. And as the days in the blonde’s company passed by, Lexa could feel herself falling deeper and deeper in love with the girl, to the point where she knew she would never be able to feel love or be with anyone else except for her nor would she be happy unless she had the blonde with her.

However, the Mountain made sure that whatever chance she might have had was destroyed. It didn’t matter anymore if her decision had been right or wrong, the only thing that mattered was that it had put Clarke and the Sky people in a difficult position that night and the blonde was forced to do something Lexa completely understood if she needed to blame her for it. She didn’t know if the blonde would ever be able to forgive her for it, thought she knew she would never forgive herself for the pain she caused to her Sky Princess.

And now, to add to Lexa’s suffering, she was forced to work with Clarke, see her every day and know that she could never have her. That the blonde would never come to feel for her what she had come to feel for the blonde. That her punishment would be to have Clarke so close yet so far away from her reach and it was excruciating. However, Lexa knew that beyond all of that she still had her duties to her people and needed to take care of them as best as she could or else, the sacrifices she made for them would lose their meanings and she couldn’t have that.

So, once she had finished thinking about the blonde, the sun was already up in the sky and she decided to start her day. She had been called in a meeting with the new generals of her Army and she thought it would be better not to dismiss them on their second official meeting with her after the way she had dealt with their predecessors. She didn’t know some of them, but she thought it would be a good opportunity for her to do so and to check them out, see where their allegiances were placed at. Indra thought it to be a good idea as well so now, she waited for them in her tent sitting in her throne. Appearances.

“ **What do you think of them, Indra? As head of my Army, you will have knowledge of them prior to their appointment as my new generals,** ” Lexa asked the older woman and Indra nodded at her Commander.

“ **I do have knowledge of them, Commander. Not of all but most of them. As you know, Daniel of the Ice Nation, Leni of Broadleaf Clan and Declan of the Desert Clan were the three generals who defied you in the last meeting**.” Indra said to her and Lexa nodded, “ **Their seconds are Ike of the ice Nation, Trini of Broadleaf Clan and Mason of the Desert Clan. I can attest that Mason is fiercely loyal to you, Commander.** ”

“ **That is very good to hear, Indra. Desert Clan is a good clan to have as ally. What else can you tell me about them?** ” Lexa asked and so her general continued her explanation.

“ **Mason often clashed with his predecessor when the man seemed to desire to go against your orders or disrespect you so there is no love lost between the two of them. I would say he is quite glad the man is done with. I doubt he will defy you as Declan did, Commander, which means you can count with the Sangedakru’s allegiance for as long as Mason is their general and Allegra is their Chief** ,” Indra relayed the information she had about the guy and

Lexa sighed in relief. She was glad she had one less clan to worry about trying to stab her in the back as she continued to question her advisor, “ **Very good, Indra. Very good, indeed. And what about the others? What can I expect from them?** ”

“ **Trini of the Broadleaf Clan is a powerful warrior. She is only 25 years old, not much older than yourself Commander, but has a very strong mind, so I hear. I couldn’t say that she is loyal or disloyal to you as she doesn’t speak her mind or her opinions on something unless she feels the need to. However, I can attest that I did pay attention to her when you were fighting Leni and she seemed to be on your side of the discussion, Commander. So perhaps she wouldn’t be defiant but more reluctant on trusting and following you, I think would be the appropriate word** **to describe her** ,” Indra said and Lexa nodded. She knew a few of those.

“ **She wants to see if I deserve to have her loyalty. I must prove myself to be an acceptable to her standard before she will proclaim on which side of the spectrum between those who are loyal or disloyal to me** ,” Lexa said, understanding the situation she was facing with that particular general. It is not a good situation to found herself in but also not the worst one she has ever found herself into. She was pretty sure the girl would have an answer soon enough and when she did, Lexa would know exactly how to deal with her.

“ **That is indeed what I believe Commander. But she doesn’t seem like a threat, she appears to be reasonable and the others speak highly of her. From what I could see, Leni’s opinions of your actions and of you were his own and were not shared by his clans. Entirely. They may think that the Skaikru did have our vengeance at the Mountain but it appears that they can also see that you did what you proposed yourself to do and that was to save our people with the minimal casualty** **on our side** ,” Indra explained to her and Lexa nodded understanding.

“ **Very well, and this Ike of the Ice Nation, what of him?** ” Lexa asked her and Indra scowled.

“ **He is Ice Nation** ,” Indra simply said and Lexa smiled a little. It was clear the distaste her general had for that particular clan, not that Lexa blamed her for it. Lexa hated their leader, that was obvious and for a great number of reasons, not just Costia but the people of the Ice Nation were her people as well. True, she hadn’t formally visited the center village of the clan too many times but she did consider them her people, she was simply distrusting of them given how they didn’t seem to like her very much. She was never sure if they hated her being Trikru or they hated her for not killing their monstrous Queen, leaving them still at her mercy.

“ **And? Anything else? Or is the fact he is ice Nation supposed to be explanation enough on his status on the matter at hand?** ” Lexa asked her and Indra sighed.

“ **Not much will be new about this one than the previous one, Commander. You know Nia doesn’t care about what you do with her ambassadors or generals if they disrespect you or not. She will always send another until the day she decides to come for you herself** ,” Indra aid to her and Lexa nodded. The general was completely right.

Nia didn’t care about them and never would, she didn’t even care about her own people, all she wanted was the power Lexa had.

“ **Well, that, Indra, will be the day she breathed her last breath. I assure you. If she comes for me, it will be to great her death as I will make sure she doesn’t leave that battle alive,** ” Lexa said and it was a promise she made to herself. She would not go looking for war with the woman, but if Nia stepped a foot out of line and gave her reason Lexa needed to call for her head, she would make sure to kill the woman and finally avenge Costia.

“ **I hope that day comes soon, Commander. Now with the Mountain Men gone and destroyed by the hands of the Sky People, the Ice Nation will use that to push your hand and your boundaries. Test your limits, your strength** ,” Indra spoke to her and Lexa nodded. She already knew that and was waiting for it. Nia’s eagerness to destroy her would be her own downfall. Lexa wasn’t one to brag but she wasn’t the longest running Commander for nothing.

“ **I understand and I already expect such a position from Nia. In her place and with her wishes, it would be exactly what I would do and relax, Indra, once again, I am three steps ahead of her. I have a plan to solve that problem not only with them but for our people’s future as well. I just need time to put it into motion** ,” Lexa said and the general frowned.

“ **A plan, Commander?** ” She asked and Lexa nodded.

“ **More of an idea that came to me a while ago and for now I will keep it to myself. But I promise you Indra, when I can speak about it, you will be the first one to know all about it** ,” Lexa told her general and the older woman nodded but before they could continue on with their talk, they were interrupted by Ryder telling that the generals were waiting outside.

“ **Let them in**.” Lexa said to him and he went outside meanwhile Indra stood on the side of the throne as usual. The generals walked in one after the other until 12 of them kneeled down in front of her. Lexa noticed that one of them took longer to do it than the rest and she knew instantly that he was Ice Nation, they always did that. At this point, it was simply amusing to her to see them so eager to irritate her, as if such a display would achieve their goal. Amateurs. She simply looked at Indra who seemed to understand what she was thinking about and the woman nodded confirming her suspicions that he indeed was the general from the Ice Nation.

“ **Rise**.” Lexa gave the order and they all stood up. “ **My generals, you have asked for this meeting. What is that you wish to discuss with me?** ” She asked them.

“ **The Mountain has been destroyed and the Mountain Men exterminated. Our people have been freed from that place and the horror those people inflicted on ours for generations and we have peace with the Sky People as the Commander has told us about the deal of cease fire. So, we were wondering, Commander if you still had any use for the Army of the Coalition or if our warriors could be returned to each of their clans**.” Digo of the Delphi Clan spoke in the name of the others as well.

“ **Well, Digo, as you pointed out, the threats we faced are gone, either by blood or by an agreement to leave each other alone so there seems to be no need for the Army to stay here anymore. For now, the Trikru section can handle things if need arises, right Jona, Indra?** ” Lexa asked them.

Indra and Jona were the Trikru generals and they were the only clan to have two like this because Indra was not only the Trikru chief and general but she was also Lexa’s personal general as well as head and general of her Army, which was the Army of the Coalition. So, many times her participation needs to be different than just that of a general which is why Jona was called to the job as well, to deal with the basic duties of the position while Indra dealt directly with the Commander and the twelve clans as a whole. The general used to be Quint but after the stunt he pulled with Clarke and after being eaten by the Pauna, Jona took over his place and Lexa felt much better having the experienced and level headed woman in charge of her clan’s warriors than she ever felt with the grumpy man that came before her.

“ **Yes, Commander. The Woods Clan’s Army will be staying here for however long you will stay to guarantee your safety and as a first battalion just in case retaliation from the Sky People does come**.” Jona explained to her and Lexa nodded.

“ **While I don’t think that will happen given my agreement with their leader, it is always prudent to be cautious. Thank you, Jona.”** Lexa said as the woman gave a small nod before the Commander turned back to her other general and spoke, **“So, it seems Digo, generals that it is time for you and your warriors to return home. You have my permission to start preparations for the departure**.”

They nodded their heads in respect to her as Digo spoke, “ **Thank you, Commander. We all appreciate the chance to return to our families and let them know we are safe**.”

“ **I am glad. Now, is there anything else you needed to discuss with me?** ” Lexa asked them and the general from the Shallow Valley raised his hand and one by one, the generals started to speak with her about doubts on what to do next, about certain things going on with their people and their warriors and that wat, Lexa spent her morning in the tent dealing with all the problems presented to her with the wisdom and intelligence they all recognized her to have.


	35. Shovel Talk

After spending the morning working with her new generals, discussing problems with them and how to best solve each and every single one and resting a little bit, Lexa was ready to go to TonDC, not only to continue helping her people but also to see Clarke as she hoped the girl would be there once again. However, as she was in her tent and finally ready to walk out, her mother entered her tent and Lexa immediately stiffened, before straightening up her posture as she met with the woman, face to face, looking her right in the eyes.

“What are you still doing here mother? I thought you would be gone by now. I hoped so, at least,” Lexa asked the woman who only smirked at her.

“Well, the plan was to leave but I am having so much fun staying here and watching you that I decided to stay a little longer. Your father can handle himself and Hana is a big girl,” Tessa said and Lexa softened a bit at the mention of her little sister.

She wished she could have gotten the chance to get to know her but her work and Tessa were big obstacles on that and the less people that knew about her, the less of her enemies could try to hurt the girl to get to Lexa. And although she did it for the girl’s protection, she wished she could be around her sister, could protect her from the horrible woman Tessa is but at least from what Lexa knew, Tess didn’t treat Hana badly. She wasn’t an affectionate mother as she had been with Kristian but she never treated the girl as she treated Lexa which made the brunette girl feel some sort of comfort that her sister was safe from this side of their mother.

“I told you could stay as long as you didn’t come to me so why are you here in my tent?” Lexa asked the woman again.

“I heard you are rebuilding TonDC. Is that the village you let burn to the ground for nothing? Killing 250 people along the way? Don’t tell me you are feeling guilty for condemning so many of your people to such a pointless death?” Tessa started and Lexa already knew where this was going and she could feel her temper rising.

“I have more important things to deal with than listening to you, mother. Ryder.” Lexa called out and the warrior came in immediately.

“Yes, Commander,” he said bowing to her.

“escort this woman out and never let her inside my tent without my permission ever again or you will suffer the proper punishment for it,” She said to him in a dangerously low voice and he shook a little. Lexa was much smaller than him but she commanded respect and fear if she wanted to just by lowering her voice like she had just done. He had witnessed grown men three times her size almost wet themselves in fear of her and now he understood why.

“My apologies, Commander. It will never happen again,” He said bowing to her before he grabbed Tessa’s arms and dragged her out of the tent.

Lexa took some time to clear her thoughts before she also walked out of the tent, going towards where her horse was ready, waiting for her. She got up on him and started on her way to TonDC where she knew she would be able to calm down and blow off some steam left from yet another confrontation with a woman who dares to call herself her mother. Her bodyguards followed her as it was their duty to ensure her safety at all times and all the way there, she couldn’t help but think about what her life would have been like if her brother had never disappeared. What if Kristian had survived? Would Tessa still be the same hateful person?

Probably. Kristian loved his mom but he never tolerated the way she treated Lexa. He was always defending her from anything bad their mother would say or try to do to her and Lexa knew that Kristian would have left with her once it was time for her to be taken to the capitol. He would have left Tessa to follow her in an instant and she knew the woman would never have forgiven her for it and that in the end they would be right where they are now, hating each other and having terrible fights every time they see one another.

There was no way Lexa could imagine a reality in which she and her mother would get along, much less having a loving relationship. That woman didn’t know the meaning of that word, love. She was obsessed with Kristian, she isn’t particularly maternal towards Hana, she outright hates Lexa and she doesn’t care about her husband. She tolerates him barely. Maybe not even that, maybe she simply is too lazy and too accommodated in their life to try and get out, after all who the hell would put up with her if not Lexa’s Dad? Would she find someone else that would tolerate her constant bitter and angry moods?

Lexa doubted. However, she couldn’t help but keep on hoping that one of these days her Dad will finally decide to leave that horrible woman and try to find happiness for himself, a happiness he never knew by Tessa’s side and never would. He is a handsome man as well as a good hearted one, he could be with anyone, men and women would be lucky to have him so until this day she questioned herself on why he never left? Was it because he loved Tessa? Or was it because he felt he had a debt to stay with her after Kristian died?

Either way, she felt sorry for him. No one deserves to live their lives with someone like Tessa and Lexa was glad that she made the decision to run away when she did, no matter how difficult it had been. She would not have survived two more years in that woman’s constant company, she would have gone crazy, absolutely lost her mind. Her only regret about the whole thing, besides Kristian’s death which it’s obvious, is that she wished she didn’t have to be away from her Dad and from the sister. She knew that Tessa made sure to keep Hana away as much as she could, though her Dad had shown her to Lexa a long time ago.

The trip to TonDC passed by the blink of an eye and when she focused back on the world around her again, coming back into her own reality, Lexa realized she was already at the entrance of the village so she stopped her horse and a warrior already stepped forward to grab the reigns as she stepped down from it. They all greeted her bowing down to her as she nodded at them and entered the village looking around. It was already taking shape of what it used to be but better than it was before. That was exactly what she wanted to see and achieve as silent and unspoken apology for the missile she let hit them.

Lexa looked ahead and as if a metal that is drawn to a magnet, Lexa’s eyes found Clarke among the crowd of people going around the village and saw that she was with Anibal and Cat. They were all laughing and that brought a smile to her face as she thought to the last time she had seen a familiar scene and it was when Costia would come to visit them and Lexa would come with her. They needed this moment of happiness, all three of them so Lexa would not interrupt them with her presence. Instead, she walked away in the direction where Master Yager was working and he seemed to be talking with Raven and Wick, if she was not mistaken.

“Master,” She called to the elder man and all three of them turned their heads towards her as the Master was the only one to bow to her.

“Heda. It is good to see you here. We missed you,” He said greeting her as she nodded at him.

“It’s is good to be back here as well, Master and I have certainly missed this place and the work. Raven, Wick,” She said before she greeted the Sky People and they greeted her back.

“Commander,” Raven said and Wick followed her lead, greeting Lexa the same way.

“May I know what you were discussing so fervently? It seemed very interesting,” Lexa spoke to them as she removed her shoulder pad and her coat putting it aside in a chair as she approached them and the table where they were looking at her project.

“We were discussing some improvements that could be done to this project. The Sky People here were giving some suggestions about certain things we could do. Very good suggestions if I might add, Heda,” Master Yager explained to her.

“I see. I am glad we can do something to make this project even better. So, what suggestions are these? Tell me about the,” She asked looking at the two of them and Raven started to explain as well as point out on the paper where her suggestions could be implemented with Wick offering engineering tips here and there as well and Lexa was able to follow what they were saying perfectly which surprised them.

“Do you work as engineer in your spare time or something? I had no idea you would know what we were talking about, not many people do,” Wick asked her making a small joke and Raven elbowed him in the stomach making him grunt in pain.

“Shut up, you idiot. You remember that you are talking with the Commander of the 12 clans and that she could kill you with one finger, don’t you?” The mechanic said to him who got a worried expression on his face as he turned to look at Lexa.

“I’m so sorry, Commander. I didn’t mean to disrespect you saying you weren’t smart enough to get it because you are certainly and I didn’t mean to offend your people either. Please don’t kill me!” Wick said to her but Lexa just smiled at him.

“Relax Wick. I am not going to kill you or hurt you. Besides, you don’t have to apologize, I was not offended by what you said. In fact, I found your question extremely funny.” Lexa said to him and he relaxed smiling too, “And to answer it, sometimes I do. I read many books on the subject of engineering and when there is a problem in my home, I usually fix it myself. It’s good to keep myself up to date with knowledge on such subjects and I quite enjoy it,” Lexa explained to them and they nodded.

“So, when Clarke was explaining the mechanic of the Mountain, you understood it all?” Raven asked her and Lexa shrugged.

“Not everything. For an example, with the acid fog they used, there were some chemicals involved in its production and in its destruction that I had no idea about. I don’t know about chemistry as much as I would like to, so I had to trust her when she said that you could handle it,” Lexa explaining and the two nerds nodded.

“Do you have many books at your disposal? I mean, you must have if you got to learn about some many things,” Wick asked her and Lexa nodded her head at him.

“Yes, I take pride in my library. Every book my people has ever scavenged throughout the lands is there. I would say I have about 3 thousand books at my disposal in my home back in our capitol,” Lexa told them and they were shocked by it.

“You’re joking, right? You have your own personal library?” Raven said shocked at the news.

“It actually started as a joke. I learned through a history book that the one of the most renewed libraries in the world was that of Alexandria, I thought why not replicate it? So, I had everyone bring whatever books they could find and begun to create the library but then I saw that it was a great opportunity to give the people a chance at having some knowledge. Three thousand is the number of books that are currently in the library but there are more books since some go to the clans every month for them to read,” Lexa said as she made some notes on the project as Raven and Wick looked at each other.

“What do you mean?” Wick asked her and Lexa looked up at both Sky People.

“Well, every month, the Ambassador of each clan selects from 50 books from the library and sends to their clan for them to read and then they are returned to the library before they select another 50 and so on,” Lexa explained and they were in shock.

“Wow, that is amazing,” Wick complimented her and she nodded.

“It wasn’t done before Heda. She was the one who started it,” Master Yeager said to them.

“I didn’t want to have all that knowledge and interesting books only to have dust cover them so why not? There are still scavengers that roam the land searching for things remaining from the old world,” Lexa continued, “Then, whatever they find is brought to Polis and I redistribute where it will be best used and in the case of books, they are all brought to Polis.”

Raven and Wick were beyond amazed by how different the grounders were turning out to be from what they had previously thought them to be. They were not savages as they had judged them to be. Their ways were different from the Sky People but  in more ways than one, they were similar to them as well and had a better outlook on things the Sky people had yet to grasp and the two of them realized that they had so much to learn from each other that they knew they needed to make sure they could achieve what Kane had instructed them to do. They decided to continue on working and wait until they were back in Arkadia to speak with everyone else about what they had learned and what they thought about it. And once it was done, master Yager and Wick walked away talking animatedly as Raven and Lexa were left alone and the mechanic decided to have the talk with her now. “Commander, can I speak with you about a private matter?” Raven said and Lexa looked at her.

She knew that with that tone of voice there was only two topics that Raven would want to talk to her about. One was Lexa’s role in Finn’s death and two would be anything related to Clarke. She wasn’t looking forward to speak about either of those subjects but she found herself nodding her head in agreement anyway and motioned for them to go to a more private area of the camp so that they could have privacy and Raven followed. Once they were there, Lexa crossed her arms and waited for Raven to broach the subject she wanted to talk to her about.

“Well, I have one question for you and we can start from there. My question is what are your intentions towards Clarke in a romantic level? And yes, I know about it. I’m her best friend so we’ve talked about you,” Raven said going straight to the point and Lexa was impressed.

She was not surprised that Clarke had told someone about what happened between them and she was even less surprised that she told Raven since she had noticed how the two girls were close to each other and it was clear to see the sister relationship they had developed, something she was happy for. Clarke needed people on her side, to help her deal with things, to talk and to just be there for her. However, Lexa was impressed that the mechanic came to confront her about it. It takes courage and Lexa had to admire her loyalty towards her friend.

“Well, my intentions were always and will always be the best and most respectful ones, though after the Mountain, I can’t see why they matter anymore. As I am sure you know, Clarke doesn’t like talking to me even the minimal, she can barely look to me and avoids being alone at all costs.” Lexa said sincerely to Raven, “So, whatever could have been between us was destroyed when I had to take the deal so you are a little too late for the questioning, I’m afraid. Though I appreciate it. She needs people like you to have her back, no matter what is about so thank you for that.”

“You don’t need to thank me for that. Clarke does deserve it and I am glad she chose to trust me to be that person for her. Now, humor me. If you thought you still had a chance with her, what would be your intentions be towards her?” Raven asked her.

Lexa didn’t seem the harm in telling the girl since she knew she would have Clarke’s best interest at heart so she obliged and told her. “I would like to have a relationship with her.”

“A serious one or a purely sexual one?” Raven asked her just to be sure and although Lexa knew the girl to be bold, she didn’t think she would go so far.

“I am in love with Clarke, Raven. Although I won’t deny that I find Clarke to be the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and I would love to show her my love in a more private and intimate setting, the thing I want to have the most I her heart, not her body. So, I would love to have a serious relationship with her, the kind that end with us spending the rest of our lives together, facing each and every single obstacles ahead of us together, from now until the day we die and even beyond that. Does that answer your question about my intentions towards her?” Lexa explained with the utmost sincerity she could master and Raven smiled at her.

“Yes, it answers my question perfectly,” the mechanic replied and Lexa sighed in defeat.

“But as I had said to you before, it does not matter anymore. When I took the deal to save my people at the expense of yours, I knew that if I didn’t lose her to death, then I would have lost her to anger, hate, betrayal and that is what have happened. She doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore and I don’t blame her for that,” Lexa said as Raven simply smirked.

“Well, Commander, I have to go back to work and thank you for answering my question.” Raven said as she started to walk away but before she got too far, she turned around and looked at the older girl with a smile on her face and spoke to her as Lexa looked at her expectantly, “I only have one thing to say to you, Lexa.”

“And what is that?” Lexa asked her, not knowing what the girl wanted to say to her.

“The battle for her heart is not lost yet. Keep fighting and you might win,” Raven said before she turned around and promptly walked away, leaving Lexa behind with a shocked look on her face as she processed the words the mechanic said to her. Could it really be? Could it be that she might still have a chance to be with Clarke? It had to be, otherwise Raven would never have said that and as Clarke’s best friend, she would know something like that.

Whether it was her intention or not, though now Lexa firmly believed it was, Raven reignited the hope in her heart of being with the blonde and even if Clarke still didn’t like her or wanted nothing to do with her, well, Lexa had faced worst odds than that and she still come out victorious and according to Raven’s own words, she could still win as long as she kept fighting. Lexa thrived when the odds were stacked against her and if there was one fight worth fighting for, that would be the fight for Clarke’s heart. And fight for the blonde, she would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, leave your comments on this chapter as well as the story. I love reading them, as long as they are respectful. Thank you for checking my story out and I hope you are having fun with it.  
> KIsses, KIsses,  
> Your Author.


	36. Soul Recognition

Clarke had an amazing time, spending it with Anibal and Cat, they were such amazing people and so funny as well that she had laughed so much with their antics which was something that after the Mountain she wasn’t sure she ever would but with them, it was so effortlessly done that she didn’t even notice and her mind didn’t even conjure bad images to make her feel bad about it. They told her so many more stories about their clan, of their lives together as married couple and even some of their granddaughter. One of those stories was of Costia and Lexa chasing after a Pauna thinking they could kill it, which only made her stomach hurt from so much laughing that she did when they were finished.

Others came to where she was with injuries for her to take care of, which ended up making the space she was staying at a sort of medical place so whenever there was an accident, like a cut, a bump or anything of sorts, they would come to her. Which worked just fine since of the many skills she had, building things was not one of them. And her skills as a healer were much needed so she stuck to it and the couple stayed with her through the whole day talking and introducing her to the warriors that would come to check with her and she was grateful for their help, especially with those that didn’t speak very good English.

Many people could think that she was unaware of the Commander’s presence in the village but Clarke had known right away when Lexa had arrived in camp. Even without looking at the girl or having someone confirm her presence out loud, Clarke could feel she was there and later she could feel a pair of emerald eyes on her and her heart started beating faster almost immediately. And when she turned to look at the girl, she did see her back as Lexa walked away. It was shocking to Clarke the effect Lexa could have on her with just one look. One look was all it took, all Lexa needed to do to shake Clarke down to her core.

However, she tried to keep on with her work and focus on what she was doing, trying her damn best to ignore the brunette girl and with so much hard work, she was able to avoid meeting with Lexa. That was for most of the day true, but when Clarke was finishing organizing her stuff back and she turned around to walk away, she bumped into a relatively small but muscled body and even before her eyes recognized the person, her body seemed to know who it was and immediately reacted to the contact with the older girl. Clarke looked up and was met with the emerald eyes considerably close to her face.

When she regained her consciousness of the situation they were and who was holding her, Clarke immediately pulled back from the embrace, disregarding the protest from her body and her heart, focusing on the instructions given to her by her head on her distance to the girl and it seemed the spell was broken for Lexa too who then coughed, a little bit awkward over what had happened. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Lexa said and Clarke shook her head.

“It’s okay. I wasn’t exactly looking where I was going.” She said and the brunette nodded, “Do you need something form me, Commander?” Clarke asked her and Lexa tried not to let the title bother her but she did missed Clarke calling her by her name, so few people had the right to do that these days and she loved hearing it come out of the blonde’s mouth.

“Well, there will be a small celebration in camp for another week of work finalized here and I have invited your friends to join and they have agreed so I am here to extend the invitation to you as well. Would you like to come?” Lexa asked her trying to mask her nervousness but by the look in Clarke’s eyes, the blonde had figured it out.

Of course, she did. No matter how much she tried, Lexa could never hid her feelings from the piercing blue eyes of the blonde in front of her, who seemed to be pondering the invitation.

Would be a good idea to be around Lexa and alcohol?

Definitely not but her friends were going, what could she do about it at this point? She nodded at the brunette. “Okay, I’ll go.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

“Do you mind if I walk with you?” Lexa asked her politely and the blonde took a deep breath before she shook her head.

“No, I don’t. We are going the same way so it makes sense,” Clarke said trying to sound dismissive and unbothered by it as Lexa nodded her head, counting it as a small win, before stepping aside and motioning for the blonde to move past her and Clarke did just that as Lexa joined her by her side and Clarke expected the girl to try to break the silence.

But then, she realized that unlike her people, the grounders were not bothered by the silence, not finding it awkward nor having the need to fill it with mindless conversations. So, she enjoyed just being around the brunette girl as they both stole some looks at each other with both looking away whenever their eyes would meet and it was that way until they came out of the village and Clarke saw her friends by the Rover waiting for her. She turned to Lexa who looked at her. “See you in a few minutes,” Clarke said and the girl gave her a small smile.

“I hope so,” She said before Clarke nodded and walked past her in the direction of the Rover getting on inside it and once everyone was inside it, they drove it away.

“You got it bad, Heda,” Lexa heard Octavia say as she approached her with both of their horses ready for the trip and the older girl chuckled shaking her head.

“It seems I do, Octavia. I got it as bad as they come,” Lexa said before she took the reins of her horse, got up on it and started on her way back to their camp with the young second and her bodyguards following right behind her as their horses couldn’t keep up with hers, since Skaikeryon was that much faster than the normal horse.

Inside the Rover, Clarke’s mind seemed to be replaying the feel of having Lexa so close to her again as she was when the brunette caught her in her arms. It was something so addicting that with just a little taste of it, she already wished for it to happen again and that this time, she didn’t pull away and Lexa didn’t let her go but then she would remember why it couldn’t be that way and a battle would be waged inside of her between her head and her heart and she could only close her eyes and sigh, not sure which one would be the final winner.

“What were you talking about with the Commander?” Bellamy asked her from the back part of the Rover where he was sitting with Monty, Wick and Jasper who had Maya’s headphone on his ear, probably listening to music and completely avoiding participating in the conversation.

“Nothing, actually. She just came to where I was to invite me to this celebration and since we were going the same way, we walked out together but we didn’t talk,” Clarke answered him and he seemed pleased with the answer while Raven was not. If her talk with the Commander served a purpose was to show her that whatever was going on between Lexa and Clarke was even stronger and deeper than even they both realized and what was also bluntly clear was that Bellamy didn’t stand a chance against the Commander. She had claimed Clarke’s heart, now it was just a matter of their love driving them together again.

It was the middle of the afternoon and Clarke turned to the window to look outside for a while when she was surprised to see Lexa in her white horse right by her side of the rover. It seemed that Lexa was searching for her too when she looked towards her window and stared at it. In that moment, all Clarke’s heart wished for was for her to open the door and jump on the back of Lexa’s horse and go with her wherever she wanted to take her, but her mind once again prevented her from it and she looked back ahead, trying to ignore the girl outside and it was like Lexa understood what had just gone through her head.

Without thinking twice, Lexa kicked her horse and loosened her hold on the reins which was the sign he needed to know that he was allowed to run as fast as his heart desired and it was everything he wanted to do since they started on this path so he picked up the pace and suddenly they were both ahead of the car. Lexa could understand that she needed to respect Clarke and not overwhelm her so that was what she was doing besides she enjoyed the feeling of Skaikeryon running as fast as he did, anyway. So why not?

“Is that the Commander?” Raven asked shocked to see the woman riding her horse a good mile ahead of them and everyone including Jasper looked in front to see only her back.

“Did you slow down the car Raven?” Monty asked the mechanic who shook her head.

“Nope. I certainly did not,” She answered him and Wick whistled.

“Damn, that horse is fast,” He said out loud.

Clarke wanted to call Lexa back but soon enough the girl disappeared from view and she knew she had lost a chance to have a nice moment with her, even if through the window of the rover and with all of her friends there but how could she have done that? And for how long would the Mountain haunt her and prevent her from doing something she wanted to? Clarke didn’t know but she hoped it wouldn’t be too long. She needed to live her life, she fought so hard for the chance to do so, she couldn’t waste it. Soon enough, they came to a stop at the entrance of the camp and saw Lexa with her horse petting it. Raven parked the car and they all walked out towards the Commander.

“That horse is really fast.” Wick was the first one to speak.

Lexa looked at him and the others while she avoided staring at Clarke, just briefly looking at her and smiled as she turned towards Wick. “Yes, he is one of, if not the fastest horse in all of the 12 clans,” Lexa answered him with a smile on her face.

“Does he have a name?” Monty asked her and she nodded.

“Skaikeryon,” She answered him.

“What does that mean?” Raven asked and

Lexa looked at her before looking at Clarke and answering, “It means Soul of the Sky.” The horse hearing his name made some noise and she smiled at him.

“Does he bite if you try to pet him?” Jasper asked and she shook her head.

“If I’m around, no. But if I’m not and he doesn’t know you, it is dangerous to come close to him. So, you can ahead and pet him,” She said to him and he moved slowly towards the horse while Lexa whispered some words to Skaikeryon. Jasper then reached out and put his hand on the horse and started petting him and a smile formed on his face.

“Wow, that is amazing.” He said before he pulled back and went to his place beside Monty.

“Can anyone ride him?” Monty asked her and she shook her head.

“No, he has never allowed anyone but me to ride him. He is a wild horse. Wild horses choose their riders and as soon as we met, a few years ago, he chose me so he doesn’t allow anyone else to get on his back unless I am with them. Few tried and suffered more than one injury so they never tried it again. But it is said that once they choose a blood rider, only the soul mate of their owner could ride them as well,” Lexa explained and they were intrigued by it.

“So, by that logic, only your soul mate could ride him?” Raven asked her and she nodded.

“Yeah, there is a lot of mystical things related to wild horses which is why they are so rare,” Lexa replied as she was about to start explaining a few more things to the group.

But then, they were interrupted by a warrior calling for her, “I have to go. Something needs my attention. I usually leave him here since he doesn’t leave me without me, but I wouldn’t advise you to try and pet him, he could bite you,” Lexa said to them and they nodded before she turned to her horse and hugged him by the neck as he leaned his head against her back, clearly hugging her as well before she pulled back.

“ **Be a good boy Soul of the Sky** ,” She said to him as she kissed his face. He buffed at her pushing her away a little, clearly joking as she smiled at him before walking away from them.

“Does anyone have the courage to pet him without her around?” Wick asked his friends with a smile on his face and they shook their head, none wanting to get bitten by it.

“Well, I think we should be going inside, shouldn’t we?” Bellamy said to his friends and the horse turned his head at him and huffed angrily.

“It seems like he doesn’t like you, Bell,” Raven said joking and it was okay until the horse started moving and they all tensed expecting it to attack them or something and suddenly, it was moving straight towards Clarke before it stopped a few feet away from her. Bellamy moved his hand slowly towards the weapon but Clarke stopped him with a raise of her hand.

“No, Bellamy,” She instructed her friend as she looked at the horse’s eyes. They were blue like her own and it seemed like he was judging her soul so she let him. She moved forward towards him and the horse started kicking on the ground.

“Clarke.” Bellamy called her, warningly and she shook her head at him.

“Don’t you dare raise that weapon to him, Bellamy or you will have to deal with me.” Clarke said to him firmly and the horse seemed to get even more spooked as he looked at Bellamy and started to raise himself and huffed angrily. Surprisingly, Clarke wasn’t scared or worried about his behavior, but everyone else was and Raven screamed at Clarke to get out of the way but the blonde ignored it. However, before the horse could do anything else, Bellamy moved to stand in front of her, trying to protect her and keep her safe in case the horse came for her.

The horse seemed to hate that so he raised himself even higher and was prepared to strike Bellamy when warriors came to try and take the horse away from them, but it only seemed to worsen the situation and it only angered him even more. The horse kicked and ran them away before it ran back towards the Sky People, who despite their fear couldn’t seem to move away from the beast and everyone was scared that the horse was out of control. “Go get Heda.” One warrior said to another as a crowd started gathering to see what would be the end of it.

“ _Calm down._ ” Even Lincoln who was used to the horse tried to calm it down, but it didn’t seem to work, the horse came at him as well.

No one was daring to come near the horse but something inside Clarke told her to calm the horse down. He raised himself on his back paws and extended the front ones. So, she decided to trust what she was feeling and called out. “Calm down, boy. Calm down.” She said to him one more time as everyone around them watched and the horse put himself back on the ground and just looked at her as she moved past Bellamy, who tried to stop her but she just shrugged him off, and towards the horse and patted him in the face.

“You’re scaring everyone. You need to calm down.” She said to him and he seemed to calm down and enjoy her ministrations.

“Clarke, come back.” Bellamy tried to take a step forward but the horse moved away from her and scared Bellamy who moved several steps back. Once he was away, the horse turned back to Clarke and put his head over her shoulder like he had done with Lexa earlier on and Raven chuckled understanding the situation, especially after what Lexa had said about blood rider’s soulmate and all. She was sure Clarke was Lexa’s and it seemed the horse knew that as well and as such was trying to protect her from what he thought was danger, Bellamy himself.

“Bellamy, I think the horse is angry that you’re near Clarke. It wants you away from her,” Raven said loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Jealous of him like your owner, huh?” Clarke said lowly on the horse’s ear and it seemed to understand her and nodded his head. She chuckled when they heard Lexa’s voice.

“Skaikeryon.” She called and the horse looked up at his owner, “ **What are you doing?** ” Lexa said to him crossing her arms at her horse who nudged Clarke before he trotted to his owner and stood in front of her tall and head held high as if proud of what he had just done. “ **We will have a talk later about your behavior** ,” Lexa said and he titled his head to the side before looking back and motioning to Clarke with his head then nudging Lexa as well.

“ **Time out**.” Was all she said as she understood what her horse was saying even if he couldn’t talk. He huffed and stared at her but she won the stare contest and he shook his head before he went and ran away from camp and Lexa just shook her head before moving forward.

“I’m sorry. He can be temperamental every once in a while. The celebration is about to start. You should go inside,” She said to the Sky people before speaking to her people, “ **Everything is okay. Party awaits us inside**.”

They all nodded and went inside while still talking about what they had witnessed. No one had ever gotten so close to their Commander’s horse like that before. Not even those that took care of him, yet the Sky Girl had done it, they wondered why that was. Meanwhile, Raven pushed her friends to move past the two leaders, needing Wick’s help to push Bellamy forward and away from both girls. “Are you okay?” Lexa asked Clarke who nodded.

“Yes, I am perfectly fine. Where has he gone to?” She asked looking at the direction the horse ran to and Lexa chuckled.

“Somewhere he can sulk and pout while thinking about what he did wrong,” Lexa said smiling and Clarke smiled as well. “We should go inside.” Clarke nodded as the two of them started walking back towards the camp. Lexa knew what had happened and deep down, so did Clarke though both refused to speak it out loud.


	37. Bitter Encounter

After the girls walked inside the camp, they stopped once they got close to where everyone was. As much as their interaction a few minutes ago had been fun and both girls have enjoyed it, there was still the ghost of the reason why Lexa’s horse obeyed Clarke and acted territorial when it came to Bellamy that left things a bit awkward with them. Besides, neither was sure about what could happen if they spent too much time together and alone so Clarke turned to look at Lexa who stared back at her and spoke, “I should go check on my friends.”

Lexa nodded silently moving away from the blonde, giving her the acknowledgement that she would not try to hold the blonde back, that she was free to go and Clarke sighed a little before she finally walked away from the brunette. She went in search of her friends who were grabbing cups for themselves and drinking it as Jasper had moved away to talk with some of his own grounder friends and Clarke joined them grabbing the second cup that was on Raven’s hand, the mechanic had already picked it up while waiting for her. Clarke drunk it in one gulp.

“What the hell was that with the Commander’s horse, guys? Why was he acting that way Clarke?” Wick asked them, the last question was directed at her however, Clarke shrugged.

“I don’t know. I had only seen the horse once before, but I never knew he was like that,” She said to all of them but she obviously noticed Raven’s ‘Yes, you do know why bitch’ look and ignored it. She couldn’t go there. She wouldn’t. She wasn’t sure her heart could take it if she went there and her suspicions turned out to be true.

“Why would someone have such a crazy horse? It could have killed us all. It could have hurt Clarke. He is a risk.” Bellamy said to them.

“I think Clarke was never in any danger from him whatsoever. I think he only wanted to kill you Bellamy. Not the rest of us, just you,” Raven said to the boy and Clarke just covertly pinched her side making her wince in pain.

“Look, why don’t we just enjoy the rest of the time we have here before we go home, okay? No one got hurt, we’re all okay and we should actually try to enjoy ourselves, for once,” Clarke said trying to distract her friends from the topic. They nodded and started talking while she participated on the conversations. They made jokes and told her about what they were helping with in the construction and they were having fun when Jasper came to their side.

“Hey Raven, can you pull the Rover inside so that I can connect the Maya’s iPod into it and blast the music?” Jasper asked the mechanic who nodded her head at him.

“Yeah, I can but shouldn’t we ask permission of the Commander first before we did it? I really don’t want to piss them off,” Raven said to him.

“Yes, I am glad you thought of that but don’t worry. I already got the green light from her so let’s go. It’s not a party without music.” He smiled at her and she smirked before giving her cup to Clarke who held it, while the two of them walked away leaving her alone with the boys.

“He seems better, doesn’t he?” Monty said to them and they watched Jasper and Raven walk away, talking animatedly. “He even made our secret handshake today.”

“I’m glad. That means he is coming around, Monty. Pretty soon, he is going to forgive you and you guys will be best friends again. I know it,” She said to the boy who smiled.

“I can only hope but I don’t know how. It sounds weird but being around these people was what he needed to start healing. I’m so glad he found a healthy way to do that,” The young engineer spoke and the others nodded, even Bellamy, who had also been worried about what would be of Jasper after Maya’s death, was happy to see the younger boy smile again.

“Well, I have to admit I have been enjoying spending time with the grounders as well. They are so much more interesting and complex than we imagined. And intelligent too,” Wick spoke out loud as they looked at him. “I mean, did you know the Commander has a library in their capitol with around 3 thousand books in it?” He said to them and even Clarke was shocked by that.

“Seriously? Three thousand books in a library?” She asked him and he nodded.

“Yes, very serious and she is also very good with engineering. Raven and I pride ourselves in being genius but in comparison to her, we are beginners. I mean, with just a few books on the subject and she came up with the project on her own in two days. She told us that she fixes any engineering or mechanic problem in her home herself besides study other subject, ready novels from the old world while also taking care of thousands of her people. She is superhuman, that’s what she is.” Wick said to them, with pride in his voice.

Clarke had to agree with him, Lexa was definitely one of a kind. She was smarter than people gave her credit for and she did so much more for those under her care than what her people were allowed to know, she was amazing and Clarke guessed that was one of the reasons why she shouldn’t have expected Lexa to protect the Sky people over her own in the Mountain. And deep down, Clarke could understand that but leaving her, _her_ Clarke, that was the part that still got stuck on her mind and wouldn’t let her reach out to the girl even if she wanted to.

The part that was controlled by her head and that won on the way here when she was given a chance to choose how to act. The part that reminded her to keep away from the brunette or she will only get even more hurt and the part she so desperately wanted to ignore. Clarke took a deep breath and sighed before she drank another huge sip from her drink and looked around. Immediately, she could see from a distance Lexa talking to Indra, Lincoln and Octavia and for a moment their eyes met as they always did. It was impossible to be anywhere near Lexa and avoid it so Clarke decided this time not to and stared at the girl intensely.

Lexa had been talking to her friends about what had happened with her horse as well. “Why did he act like that? He doesn’t like new people, that much I am aware by the bite he tried to give it to me the first time around, but I had never seen Skaikeryon so unhinged before,” Octavia said asking her for an explanation and Lexa had one. Given the fact that all three of them already knew what went on between her and Clarke, she decided to go with the truth.

“Well, it seemed that he decided or rather, he believes that Clarke is my soul mate and when your brother got too close to her, he didn’t like it one bit. He only wanted Bellamy away from Clarke, that was why he was so unhinged as you say,” Lexa explained to them as she drank water since she avoided drinking ale in public.

“How can he tell though if she is your soulmate or not? He could make a mistake,” Octavia asked her but Lincoln was the one who answered the question.

“Wild horses like Skaikeryon are rare and they are smarter and mystical than other horses. Wild horses choose their riders, not the other way around. A wild horse can’t be broken or trained. They don’t have to. Once they choose a blood rider, they are loyal to him or her until one of them dies so when Heda gives a command, he obeys her not because he was trained to but because he allows her to command him in any way she wants without offering resistance. Wild horses and blood riders have a connection, almost like they can feel each other. Right, Heda?” Lincoln asked her and she nodded as he continued,

“Only the soul mate of their blood riders can command the wild horses or ride them as well and it is not always the person the blood riders believe it to be or the one they choose for themselves either. It is the one the horse feels is their soul mate and my guess is Skaikeryon felt Heda and Clarke’s connection and judged that the Sky girl was Heda’s soul mate and when your brother got too close to her, he was for better or for worse, helping mark Heda’s claim on Clarke,” Lincoln explained to his lover who seemed fascinated by it.

“Like, he claimed Clarke for you so that Bellamy wouldn’t get close to her? As if to say she is yours and he would protect her from anyone, especially my brother?” Octavia asked, trying to see if she understood correctly and Lexa nodded.

“Great. The people might come to the same conclusion and start to really think that about you and the Sky Girl too,” Indra said a little too firmly and Lexa sighed. She knew that the story of how Clarke calmed down her horse will run through all clans and she was only worried about words reaching one person. Nia. However, Lexa and Clarke had been sharing the same tent for days during the time they were planning the attack on the Mountain Men, her people would already have thought that something was happening between them and words would have gotten out anyway so she was trying to relax about it.

“Yes, Indra. I know, but there is nothing I can do about such rumors. Nothing I can do to stop it,” Lexa said and drank and suddenly, she felt eyes on her. _Her_ eyes.

Lexa turned her head around to search for them and when she found it, she was locked her eyes on them, with no intention of looking away. She was waiting for Clarke to do it like she did earlier when their eyes crossed path on the trip here, but she saw the blonde took a deep breath and held her stare. And Lexa would happily have passed the rest of her time in this party like this, simply looking at the girl who had stolen her heart and who she loved more than she had ever loved anything in her entire life. However, as Commander, her attention was needed everywhere and soon enough she was called by a general and had to follow him around camp and away from Clarke.

Clarke was bummed out when a guy came and took Lexa away, but she understood how everyone wanted a bit of their Commander’s attention. She could see how much Lexa’s people cared about her, not just as their Commander but as someone they looked up to so she understood and just looked around as she watched the Rover get inside the camp and the music started blasting around and Jasper jumped down from it and ran back towards his grounder friends as Raven walked towards her. Clarke held out her drink and the girl took it. “Thanks.” Raven thanked her and Clarke smiled.

“Guys, I will get some more drink for me, okay?” Clarke said to them and they all nodded as she walked away. She walked to where the drinks were and started pouring some for herself when she was interrupted by the arrival of someone at her side.

“You are Wanheda, aren’t you?” A woman said coming to stand beside her and Clarke raised her head to look at the woman. She was pretty, brownish blonde hair, green eyes, a strong voice but there was something about this woman that didn’t settle right with Clarke. It was her eyes, she guessed. They were cold and sarcastic, as if she was on a prowl and Clarke was her defenseless prey. The blonde straightened up and faced the woman.

“I don’t know what you are talking about or who this Wanheda is,” She said sincerely, having no idea about it and the woman smirked.

“You are the Mountain slayer, aren’t you?” The woman said and Clarke gulped, she hated being reminded of what she had to do for her people that day, no matter if it was by herself or by anyone. She just wanted to spend some time without being reminded of it.

“So, what if I am? What does that have to do with anything?” Clarke said. She didn’t know why but she did not like this woman at all. The feeling Clarke got being around her was the same one she got when she had been in Cage’s presence.

“Well, it has to do with the fact that Wanheda is what my people are calling you now for what you did in the Mountain. It means Commander of Death,” The woman said innocently (but, no) as she took a sip of her drink and Clarke felt herself gulp. She did not like this title. At all.

“I think it’s best if I leave. My friends would be missing me right now, so if you’ll excuse me,” Clarke said trying to walk away, but the woman shook her head, standing in her way.

“Why? We were having such a nice conversation besides if you want to be mad at someone for having that title, be mad at the one who betrayed you and forced you to kill all those people. The coward these fools call Heda. She is the reason for all pain that you must feel because of those actions she forced you to take.” The woman said icily, and Clarke wasn’t liking the direction this conversation was going. “You know, for my people when someone wrongs them like this, we take the traitor’s life. Just a tip.”

“Are you suggesting for me to kill your Commander?” Clarke asked this woman lowly.

“No, I’m asking if you want justice done for what you and your people suffered because of her. Do you have what it takes to seek for it? Are you ready to darken your hands with her bloods as she darkened yours with innocent bloods when she cowardly walked away from you? Do you want justice or not? Because if you do there is only one way to get it. I could help you if you wanted it,” The woman said and Clarke was shocked by what she was hearing.

She imagined it. She couldn’t help but picture herself looking down at her having her hands dripping with Lexa’s blood, seeing her body in front of her and Lexa’s beautiful green eyes void of life because of her and the disgust she felt as well as the despair and anguish were too much for her to handle and as she looked at this woman, Clarke was afraid she would try it herself to kill Lexa. Clarke couldn’t let that happen, she needed to keep Lexa safe, for her people but most of all for herself. Lexa cannot die. She can’t imagine Lexa not being around, not being alive. If this was this woman’s plan, she had no idea what would be coming her way from the blonde. So, Clarke steeled herself and came closer to the woman.

“Try anything against the Commander and we will see if your people is right to think that I command death because I will kill you faster than you can say Trikru,” Clarke said threateningly to the woman. She was about to come closer to Clarke when a hand grabbed her roughly by the arm and pulled her several steps back and away from the blonde. Lexa stood in between them with Indra beside her, positioned in front of Clarke to protect her if need be.

“Walk away, Tessa. Now.” Lexa said dangerously calm.

“Why? Wanheda and I were having a nice conversation about the many ways we would like to see you die,” The woman said to Lexa’s face and to Clarke’s compete shock. Who was this woman and how could she dare say something like that and imply Clarke agreed to it?

Clarke was about to deny what she had said when Lexa spoke up. “You can do that away from each other, I’m sure creativity will not be the problem. Now, move away Tessa or I will move you forcefully and permanently,” Lexa said firmly and the woman raised her hands.

“Okay, okay. I’m going,” She said and turned around but just before she left she looked over her shoulder at Clarke. “It was nice talking to you, Wanheda. You gave me many ideas on how to picture her death. Thank you.” And then she simply walked away.

“Indra.” Was all Lexa said before the woman nodded and followed Tessa leaving the two of them alone. Lexa sighed and turned to look at Clarke.

“She was lying. I never said anything about picturing your death. She was the one going on about it,” Clarke said, needing Lexa to know she hadn’t done such a thing, but Lexa simply smiled at her, shrugging her shoulders dismissively.

“Don’t worry about it Clarke. I am not angry. Even if you had pictured it, you are not the first and certainly won’t be the last one to do so, I’m afraid. I just hope that it was at least a warrior’s death with dignity and honor, preferably in battle. At least that is how I like to picture it when I think about my own death,” Lexa said and Clarke frowned at the uncaring notion in which Lexa talked about her own death. It was like she didn’t care about it and Clarke hated it.

“Would you like to come with me somewhere? There is something I would like to show you,” Lexa said asking Clarke to follow her which she was sure would be followed by a big ‘No, thank you’ or something ironic and rude coming from the blonde, but for Lexa’s surprise, there was nothing of what she was expecting, instead it was the opposite that came her way.

“Okay,” Clarke said surprising them both and Lexa quickly recovered before she started walking away and Clarke followed her until they were hiking through the forest and at some point, Lexa had to help Clarke offering her hand to her and the blonde took it.

The effect holding hands had on both of them was too much to be denied. Lexa felt as if her world finally made sense and Clarke never wanted to let go of her hand again, so they didn’t. They just stayed with their hands clasped tightly together until Lexa with the other arm opened the branches of a tree and let Clarke see the view ahead. The blonde was mesmerized by what she was seeing and just by the look on her face, Lexa knew she made the right choice in bringing her here. She only hoped this conversation would turn out to be a wise choice as well.


	38. Beating Hearts

The two girls just stood by the cliff watching the sunrise. For Clarke, it was an experience like no other, sure she had stayed that moment with Finn watching the night sky when all of a sudden they saw what was Raven’s pod came down to the ground, right after they had sex and she lost her virginity to him, but being here watching the sun start hiding on the horizon as another day comes to an end, standing close to Lexa with their hands intertwined like this, it was heaven and she didn’t want this moment to end. She would happily live in it forever. She couldn’t help herself and put her right hand around Lexa’s arm squeezing it.

She wondered if Lexa was feeling the same way she was, as if she was about to burst with peace, happiness, joy and one more feeling that she was still trying to deal with, which was love. But, as she looked at the girl’s side profile, she saw that Lexa had her eyes closed, a small content smile, her head titled up in the direction of the sky and all Clarke wanted in this exact second was paper and charcoal or pencil, so she could draw this perfect view of the girl standing by her side, bathing in sunlight, but once she got back to Arkadia, that was exactly what she would do. Clarke turned back to look ahead and felt Lexa squeeze the hand she was holding. She closed her eyes at the feeling of how well their hands fitted together.

“Dante knew that my army had been freed by Bellamy,” Lexa spoke out of nowhere and Clarke opened her eyes at the topic of conversation Lexa was bringing up and looked at the girl, only to see her looking ahead as in a trance. “He knew it would be strategic to have the army inside attack as well, so he ordered his son to catch them and with how weak some of them were, it was not that hard. They had soldiers hold them at gun point and when I was up there to kill the shooters and I did kill a few, Emerson appeared out of nowhere,” Lexa kept talking and Clarke didn’t dare to interrupt her even if she didn’t think she was ready to talk about the Mountain.

“He showed me my people on their knees and with guns pointing at the back of their heads as he offered the deal to save them as long as I retreated and said I had ten seconds to decide before they started shooting them all. And in any other situation, I wouldn’t have needed ten seconds to make that decision at all, I would have made the choice immediately. But in that situation, I used all ten seconds he gave me, thinking about how I was going to leave you and how that would hurt you and for those ten seconds, I doubted making the choice to save my people because I wanted to stay and fight with you, to keep you safe. To keep you protected.”

“But when those ten seconds were up, I knew there was no other choice I could make, no matter how much I wanted to and saying yes to that deal was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in all my years as Commander. But I had to do it Clarke,” Lexa said and finally turned to look at Clarke and whispered, “I had to.”

Lexa noticed the tears that were Clarke’s eyes, threatening to fall down her beautiful face and knew the blonde would notice the tears on hers as well, given how close they were and how well Clarke seemed to know her. “And although I can’t regret saving my people from a terrible fate and I won’t ever, I am sorry and I do regret the fact that I had to sacrifice you to do it. And if you can believe nothing else, believe that it broke me as much as it broke you.”

“I would have wanted nothing more than to have the freedom Lincoln did to follow my heart back to you as it begged me to do it,” Lexa said sincerely and Clarke’s breath hitched as Lexa continued, “I would have wanted nothing more than to have fought for your people by your side, to have shouldered the burden of the decision and the killing for you, to spare you the pain of having to kill innocent people to save your own. I wanted nothing more to be the arms that comforted you after it was over, but I hope one day you can understand why I couldn’t.”

Clarke looked at the older girl and sighed knowing that they were not kids or pretending to be ignorant to what they feel for each other. There was no point trying to pretend otherwise. They were in love with each other, whether they wanted to or not was irrelevant. The fact is that the feelings were there and now they needed to talk about the things that are going on between them and those feelings are underlining it every word. As Clarke though about it, it seemed they were baring their souls out or at least Lexa was and so would Clarke. They needed this conversation and what better place to have it than a beautiful place such as this.

“That is the worst part for me, Lexa. I do understand.” Clarke said letting go of Lexa’s hand and putting some distance between them before she turned back to look at the brunette and spoke, “I do understand that your priority was your own people as it was my priority mine. I understand that as leaders, no matter how much we both wanted to have chosen something else that night, we possibly couldn’t. We did what was demanded and expected of us. I can say that the Sky Princess in me understand and forgives the Commander for it.”

“But knowing you willingly made a deal that would essentially force me to lose my friends, seeing you walk away from me as if what we shared throughout every moment we have been together since we met had meant nothing to you, not being there for me when I needed you most and I needed you so badly Lexa, that is what’s hurting me. The girl is the one that is heartbroken. Clarke is having a hard time forgiving you, Lexa,” Clarke said honestly as she stared ahead, shivering until she felt a pair of arms wrap around her waist pulling her closer.

“I know. You have every right to be mad at me and if there was anything else I could have done, if it wasn’t my people’s life on the line that night, nothing would have kept me from staying with you through all of it,” Lexa said gently by her ear.

“You left me, Lexa. **_Me_**.” Clarke said and although her head told her to push the girl away, neither her, or her heart wanted to, so she didn’t. Instead she let her own arms rest on top of Lexa’s as she played with the brunette’s fingers making her only tighten her hold.

“I know and I hate myself for it, but what else could I have done, Clarke? What else could I have done that would avoid me having to carry dozens of my people’s bodies home in the amount of time I was given to make the choice? I couldn’t think of any other way out for me and my people and I am so sorry for that. I wish you didn’t have to get hurt by it, but I don’t know what else I could have done,” Lexa explained, and Clarke knew she was being sincere.

“I know, Lexa. Knowing you had no choice but to abandon me is one thing. Like I said before, as a leader, I can only praise you for saving everyone you sought out to save without losing anyone else. That was exactly what you said you would do from the beginning and I am glad you managed to keep that promise. But as me, it’s a whole different situation,” Clarke said to her before she turned around in Lexa’s arms as she looked deeply into those green eyes and spoke, “You kissed me the day before. **_You_** kissed **_me_**. You said you cared about me, you made me believe we were in this together. In the end, we weren’t together. In the end, I was alone with only my friends to help me save my people from a horrible fate that awaited them, in which the only way to do it was by killing an entire civilization to do it.”

“What would you have done in my place Clarke?” Lexa asked her seriously, “If it was your friends being held at gun point and they offered you the deal, leave me and my people behind and you friends get to live or stay and watch all of them die. What would you have chosen?”

Clarke knew the answer to that and she knew that Lexa also knew that the answer to that question was that Clarke would have taken the same deal, would have made the same choice Lexa had done, but it wasn’t easy to come to terms with it. “What does it say about us that we would betray each other if it came down to it? What kind of future could we have together with that threat of betrayal looming over our heads?” Clarke said avoiding answering the question directly even because Lexa already knew what her answer would be.

“It means that we are leaders of two different people that demand we always think about them before thinking about ourselves. It means it will be difficult, very, very difficult but not impossible to make this works between us, if only we both want it. If we are up for the challenge, I know we can find a way to change that and be together without worrying about who is going to betray who next,” Lexa replied as Clarke looked at her in a bit of shock.

“You want us to be together?” Clarke asked her and Lexa gave her a small smile.

“Why do you sound so surprised by that? Why did you think I wanted for us?” Lexa asked her before she pulled Clarke closer caressing her blonde hair. “I know you said you were not ready yet, back when we kissed and I know I made things even more complicated between us after the Mountain but I want you Clarke. I want to be with you and have the chance to say everything you have made me feel since I met you and have you say them back,” Lexa said to her and Clarke knew exactly what that was, what words Lexa wanted them to say and although could admit she felt it, saying it out loud to the girl was a different story.

“But I know that we are not there yet. Trust needs to be rebuilt between us. I need to prove to you that you can trust me, so I suggest that we take this time in which you are helping with the constructions for us to get to know each other better. I know close to nothing about you and you know almost nothing about me, so I thought we could spend some time together until you feel that you can take a step further. Only if that is what you want as well, of course. I would never force you to be with me,” Lexa told her just to make sure Clarke knew she had a choice and the blonde knew that she had the only choice to make.

She knew what she wanted to do but she needed to know. “What if we do get together and find ourselves in the same situation of the Mountain, where we are forced to choose between each other and our people? We both know what we will choose. I can’t go through that again Lexa, and trust me, neither do you,” Clarke said to her and Lexa nodded, that was a valid point.

“I know but like I said, we can change that if we want to, which is why I have been coming up with a plan to make sure we never have to be in that situation again, but I can make it happen. I have to get to Polis before I can put it into motion but I know of a way out for that situation,” Lexa told her and Clarke was confused, but more than that, she was incredibly curious.

“What plan are you talking about?” She asked her and Lexa pondered if she should speak, but she didn’t want to start this, whatever this is between them with a lie.

“What you did in the Mountain changed things Clarke. Not just for your people and you, but for everyone. My people included,” Lexa said to her.

“They call me _Wanheda_ , right? That woman told me what it means. Commander of Death.” Clarke said to her and Lexa nodded. “Great, now even your people think I only bring death,” Clarke tried to turn away, but Lexa cupped her face.

“That is not what it means, Clarke. _Wanheda_ means that you can give life or death, if you deem the person or people worthy of mercy or punishment. It’s a title of great respect from my people, but that is not the point. The point is that, perhaps now with what you did in Mount Weather and the respect you have earned, even if at the price of such a horrible thing, I may have a good chance to get the Skaikru to become part of my Coalition,” Lexa said to her with a small smile on her face while Clarke was shocked.

“What? My people join your Coalition?” She asked just to be sure that she had heard it correctly and Lexa nodded, confirming she did.

“Yes. Don’t you see Clarke? At the Mountain I was forced to choose between you and my people, and in that situation, I could only choose them. But if your people become the 13th clan of my Coalition, then they will be my people too, you will be my people and I will never have to choose again. I will be bound to you as I am bound to them,” Lexa told her with a smile.

“Lexa, your people hate us and my people are not exactly fond of yours either or you, right now in particular,” Clarke warned her although she thought it was a very good idea.

If they did manage to get the Sky People to enter the Coalition, then her people would be protected from attacks from the clans, would get to be a part of the trading between the clans, would be able to count with the Army of the Coalition should they be attacked by other enemies, and most importantly, Lexa and Clarke would be freer to be together that way. They really wouldn’t need to choose between each other again. It would help them if they were to take their feelings to the next step and be in a relationship.

“I know, but that can be worked out later. Besides, what better chance to rectify that then by working together in rebuilding TonDC and getting to know one another? And once the construction is done, I will be going to Polis to update the Ambassadors on the situation of the Mountain and TonDC and once I get there, I will call for a summit to have your people join the Coalition and we can start working on building back the trust between the two people when that happens,” Lexa told her as Clarke couldn’t help but smile.

“You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?” She asked Lexa who nodded smiling at her.

“I am. Very serious. There are more reasons why this is a good idea, reasons that goes beyond my selfishness around the subject of not having to give you up ever again, but we can talk about them later. Now, I want you to answer me if trying this is what you want or not. I’ll accept it either way,” Lexa said to her sincerely as she waited with bated breath for an answer.

Clarke seemed to think about it and the battle between head and heart went on inside of her as one told her to say no and the other screamed for her to say yes. This battle had been going on ever since they had met and only intensified when they kissed. It was by far the best kiss Clarke has ever had, along with being the most intimate she had ever shared with someone and counting with the fact that she lost her virginity to Finn, that was saying something. However, when she looked deeply into those beautiful green eyes, that were so hopeful and so enticing, she knew there was only one answer she could truly give the older girl.

“I don’t know if I have lost my mind or not, but I know that I want this with you. I want to know you. I want to be with you,” Clarke answered her, and Lexa smiled brightly at her.

“Are you serious? Do you really want this?” She asked not believing it.

“Yes, I am serious. I want us to try and be together,” Clarke said before Lexa wrapped her arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug.

Clarke wasted no time in hugging the brunette back with all her might. They were hugging each other so tight, almost as if the other would vanish if they didn’t and there was a feeling of belonging rising to the surface with each passing second, enveloping both of them. It just felt so right being like this with Lexa, as if everything around them disappeared or became unimportant. The world didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was each other and being together, but unfortunately, Clarke had to pull back after a while. There were still things they needed to talk about before they truly started this crazy ass adventure.

“As much as I want this, want you, there are some ground rules we need to establish before we continue though,” Clarke said and Lexa nodded staring at her waiting for her to speak.

“What are they?” She asked the blonde as she put some distance between them, to make Clarke more comfortable and to not overwhelm her. Lexa didn’t want to mess this up.

“First, no kisses on the mouth,” Clarke said with a pain on her heart because she wanted nothing more than to do that, to taste Lexa’s lips again, but she couldn’t right now. “I will not be a liar and say I don’t have feelings for you because we both know I do, very strong feelings at that. But I think, given everything that happened between us the last couple of weeks, I would prefer if we took things slow and didn’t blur them so soon by jumping into a relationship and the physical aspect that comes with that. I would rather that happened when we were sure and were on the same page, ready to take that step,” Clarke explained as Lexa nodded understanding her reasons.

“It’s okay. It will be hard for me since I have wanted to kiss you again since we ended our first kiss, but I will do it. I will wait forever for you to be ready if that is what I have to do, Clarke,” Lexa said to her and Clarke knew that the girl would not break that rule. Lexa was too much chivalrous for that and what she said about waiting for Clarke made the blonde’s heart melt because with as little as she knew of Lexa, she knew she had meant it.

“Second, we try not to stab each other in the back until you get us to join your Coalition. I know that in this world we live in, anything can happen. You can be in that situation again or I can be in it for the first time, but even if we do have to leave each other behind, at least we can warn each other about it,” Clarke explained seriously and once again Lexa nodded agreeing. She could only imagine how important this rule must be for Clarke.

“I will be sure to remember that. Is there a third rule I need to know about before we continue?” Lexa asked her and Clarke smiled sweetly, shaking her head.

“No, but when it comes up, I will be sure to let you know,” Clarke said as they chuckled.

“Okay, I have a question. You said that no kisses on the mouth but kisses somewhere else are allowed? Can I hug you or hold you like I was doing before when we are alone? Or nothing like that? Just pure friends who know they have feelings for each other?” Lexa asked. She didn’t want to have to restrain herself from being around Clarke, from holding her. She would if that was what Clarke wanted but she hoped it wouldn’t be like that.

“Yes, kisses are allowed but somewhere respectable. Like cheek or forehead. Not places like my neck,” She said pointedly and Lexa nodded, already happy for this small victory, “And as for acting that way when we are alone, I suppose we can but nothing more than that,” Clarke agreed and Lexa nodded her head smiling before Clarke turned serious again.

“I still haven’t forgiven you for the Mountain, Lexa. Not the Commander. The Commander I forgave a long time ago but you, I am still having trouble moving past the pain your betrayal left me. I will forgive you. I know I will, but it will take more time than this for that to happen. I’m sorry but that is just how I feel,” Clarke said a little apologetically.

She didn’t want to seem as if she was continuing to punish Lexa for what happened. That was not what she wanted at all. She wanted to forgive her and move past those events so they could fully be together and only look forward, not backwards. And although, she was dealing with it as best as she could, she wasn’t there yet. She just needed Lexa to wait for her a little bit longer and she was relieved when the brunette smiled sincerely at her and nodded.

“I know and I can wait. We should be heading back. It’s time for you to go back to Arkadia.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded. She started walking away when Lexa stopped her making the blonde look at her. “Oh, one more thing. Don’t tell anyone of your people about my plans yet. It could do more damage than good if word got out before I could have a chance to talk with my Ambassadors about it first.”

“How about Raven? She is my best friend. I tell her everything and I promise she won’t tell anyone. She knows how to keep a secret,” Clarke said to her and Lexa chuckled as they started on their way back, holding hands again, they were not in public so why the hell not?

“Raven yes, but only Raven. The more people that knows, the more the risk of people finding out about it before the time is right,” Lexa said, agreeing and Clarke nodded.

“What about Bellamy? Can I tell him? He is my friend and I trust him too,” Clarke said just as a test and by the squeeze on her hand and the clenching of her jaw, Clarke knew Lexa hated it.

“Perhaps, later when you receive the word on the summit, you can tell him but for now, perhaps it would be more appropriate to keep it between us and Raven only,” Lexa answered very politely and that was how Clarke knew she was containing herself.

“You know, you can admit you’re jealous of him,” Clarke said to her and Lexa shook her head.

“I’m not saying this because of jealousy. I’ll admit I am not particularly fond of him as you are and I may feel threatened at times by his proximity with you, but I trust you. I would never stop you from being his friend or being close to him because of it. This matter is just too important to be handled without the utmost care. Our possible future together lies on the success of my endeavor. I don’t want Bellamy jeopardizing it because of his own jealousy,” Lexa explained to her while Clarke simply smiled.

“If it makes you feel any better, the only person I could possibly want to be in relationship with is you, so you have nothing to worry about. No matter how close I am to Bellamy, it will never be in the same way I am close to you. It wouldn’t be possible,” Clarke said, kissing Lexa’s cheek and squeezing her hand to let her know she meant what she was saying.

Lexa smiled and relaxed a little before squeezing Clarke’s hand as they continued on their way back to the camp. And as they got closer, they let go of each other’s hands and they both missed the contact. The more they were together, the more addicted they became with each other. However, once they rejoined the party, Clarke went to find her friends and told them that she went to walk around a little to look around the camp and all of that. They nodded taking her word for it, although Raven knew better than that, before they greeted some of the grounders goodbye and thank you for inviting them, grabbed their rover and went back home.


End file.
